ds said today that our nanny punched and hit him...

[headfairy]

He's 4, and I'm not entirely sure whether I believe him. I tried to explain to him that was he was saying was very very serious and if it was true our nanny would lose her job which was not good but likewise I don't want to automatically say "don't tell lies" without discussing it further. There isn't a mark on him, I really don't think the nanny is hitting him. She's been with us for nearly a year now and he's never said anything like this before.

I'm fairly sure ds is saying it so that I'll stay home with him, I did explain to him that I have to work and even if what he said was true someone else would have to look after him as I'd have to go to work.

Has anyone who's either working as a nanny or employed a nanny encountered this sort of thing? How should I handle it if it comes up again?

I'd be questioning him closely around the details. Where on his body does he say she hit him, once, twice, three times. Did he cry? Did she shout? What did she say?

Does he seem upset when discussing it?

My 4 year old charge told another nanny today that I leave him at home on his own to go to the gym - he also told this to MB it's not true and thankfully MB knows its rubbish as are some of the other tales he tells!!!

If it is a lie, and it probably is, do you think it could be about this specific nanny rather than wanting you home with him? Do they seem to get on well? Just as some adults will just never click, some children/adults never will. Anything else worrying him?

Does he understand why you have to work? He understands that work = money = nice stuff for him (it's easier for him to get if you make it about toys and outings)?

beryl I did ask him, he says she bit him on the eye too, there's no mark there. Or anywhere else he says she hit him. He says she punched him in the stomach. When I asked why he says it's because he was naughty. I said to him that our nanny always tells me how lovely he is and how helpful he is. He doesn't seem distressed when he's telling me. Not crying or upset, and he doesn't persist when I change the subject.

Mogandme do you know how does your charges MB reacts when he tells her that? Does she just say "oh ds you know that's not true" or something else? I'm very wary of making ds think he can't tell me something if one day he has something really serious to tell me. I don't want him to get it in to his head he can't tell me things, but at the same time I'm almost certain he's making this up (I can't be 100% because I'm not actually there all day with him to make sure, but that's the only reason I can't say with 100% conviction that it's not true)

Hassled for the past 10 months he's seemed very happy with her. I've often left them in the morning cuddled up on the sofa watching cartoons, and he's quite often excited to tell her things when she arrives in the morning.

I have explained to him that we need me to work so we can live in our house and buy food etc. I'm fairly sure he understands the link but I suppose at that age you can never be sure if they get it completely. When he's begging for a new toy for example he doesn't always understand that he can't have everything he wants because we haven't got enough money to buy him toys every day.

It's a tough one for you - wish I could think of a solution. It seems safe to assume he's lying through his teeth, though, and I suppose you have to treat that as you do with any behaviour that's attention-seeking/unwanted - i.e. ignore, distract, etc. Has he just started school? Is that an issue?

Has he ever lied to you before? And if he has seemed happy with her until now why would he lie to you now?

I fear there will be long term negative ramifications if he has confided in you and you don't believe him.

I have a 4 year old, and although he has a vivid imagination, I doubt he would lie to me about something like this.

4 year olds do lie about random things - at about that age DD was adamant the dog had pinched her, rofl, even when I was pointing out that he didn't actually have fingers and that even if he did he was in a different room, she wouldn't have it.

I think you need to sit him down and tell him what will happen if she did do that, that he wouldn't see her again and that she'd be in trouble with the police - which is all exactly what should happen if she did, but if there's any chance that he's playing a game, then he needs to let you know...

timetoask that's what I worry about, I could unwittingly set up a precedent so that when he genuinely has a problem he won't tell me. :( But the problem is I'm almost certain he's telling fibs. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Hassled he hasn't just started school, he's been at the same pre school for just over a year, he starts reception next September. This morning I did what you said, distracted, changed the subject after initially explaining to him that if he was telling the truth our nanny would have to leave us. He did ask me (without prompting) what the police would do with her, and I said that if it was true they'd probably make her go to prison and she wouldn't see her dd any more (her dd is the same age as my dd and she brings her to work with her). As he didn't persue the line of conversation I changed the subject and moved on. I just hope I've done the right thing.

If you decide to raise it with your nanny, I would be careful. About 20 years ago a boy I looked after for his Mum from time to time (not a nanny role, more a mother's help) told her I had smacked him (not true) and the mum told me she would kill anyone who raised a hand to her son.

I never felt the same about her or her son after that.

Very, very difficult and I really don't know what I would do in your situation.
What I would say is that I am not at all sure that you can get a 4-year old to understand the consequences of what he is saying - i.e. nanny getting in trouble with the police, possibly going to jail (I think you have to do a lot worse to go to jail anyway), not seeing her DD again (ditto) but you see what I mean. I think that to kids of that age everything is a game and you can't make them understand adult consequences, so I wouldn't even try.

When my daughter was four she told a massive fib about a babysitter who was looking after her once a week. She told me one evening as I was putting her to bed that the babysitter had hit her. I was doubtful but going on the fact that she had never liked the babysitter and my own experiences as a young child (being burnt by a ciggerette on one occaisio, accidently and not being taken to my nursery school by the nanny on more than one occaision) I had to believe my dd and we didn't use her again. Lo and behold six months later she told me that she had made it up (sigh!).

beryl I did toy with the idea of mentioning it to our nanny in a "just in case he says anything to the teachers at nursery he's told me you hit him, but I know it's not true" kind of way and seeing her reaction. I just don't know...

I would tell the nanny what he said. Make it clear that you feel he is lying and you're not accusing her of anything. Keep an eye on her reaction. I'd then talk to the nanny about it in front of DS. Keep an eye on DS's reaction when she denies it.

You may find when asked infront of someone who knows the truth about what happened (i.e. the nanny) he'll be more honest!

My 4 year old has just discovered fibbing too. Brother punched her, kicked her, hit her etc. It wasn't me that tore open a Lemsip sachet was the latest one a couple of days ago and I have no idea whether it was her or my 13yo . Difficult situation for you, but I do think their imagination grows at their age.

I think I'm going to see if he mentions it again... I won't prompt him or ask him about it this weekend. I don't know how children react when they're telling the truth about this sort of thing, I imagine he'd be a bit more persistent if he really was telling the truth. I've got the weekend to mull it over I guess.

I think you should encourage him to talk to you and not accuse him of telling lies, even if this is not the truth.
Telling him it is a serious accusation and the nanny could lose her job is a bad idea as he is unable to understand that concept and it merely muddies the waters and makes it even harder for you to find out the truth.

I suspect this is made up but obviously it may be true. Why not have a game with him where he role plays the nanny and you role play being your ds.

My ds is 4 and he has started telling all sorts of tales recently. I don't think he understands the difference between a lie and a make believe game. I have tried to explain it to him but he just becomes even more adament that what he is saying is true

Apparently at school they give him dirty water to drink, his teacher called him on his mobile (he doesn't have one), he ate a whole train ...

Sorry, I don't actually have any advice to give!

What a night mare! I hope he is telling porkies in a weird way!

My DS was 2 in August, 2 weeks ago whilst my DH was away for 6 weeks for work he told my mother that "Daddys hits mummy, mummy cries, Daddy shouts, Daddy leave Daddy no come back"

Now, I was with them at the same time and even though none of it is true I felt so strange trying to tell my mother (who also knows it is not true) that he was joking! I had to go into nursery and ask if he had said anything to them, I was so worried and then felt it look like I was prostesting a bit too much!

This week he has told his keyworker Mummy is sleeping at Tim's house, Tim is one of my best friends and I did stay there a few weeks back after a big night out - Thankfully his keyworker found it hilarious that my 2 y/o is basically telling everyone my DH is beating me up and I'm sleeping around! If you knew me or DH you'd know this is totally laughable now if he was telling them I was beating up DH ...

Maybe he is just testing the boundaries or has seen something on TV about it? Maybe one way to talk it through, once you have made sure it isn't true, would be to speak with the Nanny and then both talk to him?

I also work with a young lad who is 22 but has a lot of learning difficulties and special needs, he once told his mother I had smacked him, she quite simply said "You probably deserved it" - She then asked me about it, I said, obviously, that I hadn't and wasn't sure where it had come from, she said they had been watching some soap where the mum had slapped the son and he had taken it quite badly so perhaps he had picked it up from there - Thankfully we laughed it off and 5 years on I'm still working with him

Hi Headfairy, see how he is Monday morning, if she has done these things then he wouldn;t want to see her and would be upset at the thought of her coming to look after him.
Hope its all ok.

Headfairy.

I told MB when we got in and she laughed. She then questioned him with me there asking so what does he do when I'm out, play/watch tv etc. Again he has said other things and we know it's not true but we "treat it as true" and say oh that must be hard having to do all the house jobs whilst Mog has a cup of tea on the laptop and ask him gentle questions ie did you dust the tv, did you put the hoover back etc :)

At that age ds told his teacher that I beat his grandma. Completely made up but it caused all sorts of mayhem at school.

I wonder what he tells the nanny about you!

Catsmama I am usually told many a story about mb and occassionally I get a text or Mb will mention in conversation "Dc says you ...." sometimes it can be a very embarrassing omission and sometimes it's just "I know what you say to him because of the vocab he uses around the house at the weekend!"