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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

ds said today that our nanny punched and hit him...

44 replies

headfairy · 18/11/2011 16:44

He's 4, and I'm not entirely sure whether I believe him. I tried to explain to him that was he was saying was very very serious and if it was true our nanny would lose her job which was not good but likewise I don't want to automatically say "don't tell lies" without discussing it further. There isn't a mark on him, I really don't think the nanny is hitting him. She's been with us for nearly a year now and he's never said anything like this before.

I'm fairly sure ds is saying it so that I'll stay home with him, I did explain to him that I have to work and even if what he said was true someone else would have to look after him as I'd have to go to work.

Has anyone who's either working as a nanny or employed a nanny encountered this sort of thing? How should I handle it if it comes up again?

OP posts:

Original poster

headfairy · 18/11/2011 21:17

EssentialFattyAcid I'm totally torn as to how to deal with this. On the one hand I do appreciate I can't dismiss things he says in case they are true, but on the other hand when I'm confident he isn't telling the truth I do need to explain to him the importance of telling the truth.

Thanks for all your input everyone, I think I'm going to see how he is on Monday. To be honest most mornings he asks me who's looking after him that day, if I say our nanny he whinges a bit (but nothing more) if I say me he gives a big grin. I know he'd prefer me to be there every day so he's always a bit down when I say I'm going to work. He's been like that since I went back to work after having dd. It's hard to judge if he's genuinely distressed or he's just being a toddler

OP posts:

Original poster

headfairy · 18/11/2011 21:22

catsmamma I dread to think :o

OP posts:

wasabipeanut · 18/11/2011 21:31

Hi Head, sorry to see you're having to deal with this very difficult situation. I think you have to trust your instincts here. I haven't got any constructive advice sadly but I just wanted to show a bit of solidarity

Ineedacleaneriamalazyslattern · 18/11/2011 21:47

DS1 started doing this last year at 4 when I took on more hours at work for a short time and I was home later in the day.
It wasn't our nanny though it was dh he was saying had hit him. I knew for sure he was telling me fibs especially as he said it once when I could actually see them.

I'm not sure what the best tactic was but I actually gave dh a telling off in front of ds1 and threatened him with the naughty step. DH obviously knew I as joking and ds1 suspected I was joking and had a wee giggle at the thought of dad on the naughty step but did actually confess to the fibs when he physically seen someone else getting into trouble for something they hadn't done.

Karoleann · 19/11/2011 15:15

Since we're near Christmas could you use the Father Chistmas thing? Something along the lines of........ are you sure the nanny hit you? You know its Christmas time and Father Christmas doesn't bring presents to little boys that tell fibs?
Otherwise you could ask again where she hit him. If it is a fib he'll probably say somewhere different to last time.
If he is adament and consisitant you don't have much choice but to believe him and you'll have to ask the nanny about it.

StealthPolarBear · 19/11/2011 15:20

wjhat a nightmare headfairy. We have similar with DS, not about this but he often says he feels sick and we struggle to understand whether he is "playing doctors" or genuinely ill (usually sorted out by offering a chocolate button 10 mins later).

You're right not to dismiss him, definitely. However you also do feel he is making up stories. Are there any books that deal with this issue that can help you work through it with him? Definitely tell the nanny and see her reaction. In the absence of other evidence though, I would be inclined to trust her. Difficulty is though, what do you then say to DS?

kumquatsarethelonelyfruit · 19/11/2011 17:04

Four is about the age when they do start to tell fibs. I am not sure that they really can tell the difference between reality and fantasy at that age. I think it is unlikely the nanny did anything, especially as he said she bit him on the eye which is 1) weird and unlikely and 2) would definitely leave a mark.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 19/11/2011 17:24

Oh they are just soooo convincing at that age!!

Anyone who thinks their DC wouldn't or couldn't do this is deluding themselves unfortunately! :)

It's lovely he'd rather have you than anyone else look after him :) & it's hard for them, at that age, to understand the whole money/house/toys thing. My friends 3 year old has a nanny, she loves her nanny - absolutely adores her (she's live in) and cries for her if she goes away for the weekend etc - but she still sometimes asks if 'nanny' can go to do mummy's work some days so mummy can stay home and look after her. Nice idea, well thought out, just not sure Mummy's work would see it quite the same!

If it was me I'd ask him what he was doing to make 'nanny' so cross with him... see what he says, that's generally where they 'out' themselves

DoorStop · 19/11/2011 17:42

I had almost the exact same thing last week. It was bloody awful as I couldn't bear the consequences if what DD had said was true, but on the other hand didn't think our nanny would do what DD said. Though who knows where someone else's breaking point lies.

I called our nanny (it was her day off while DD was at preschool) and she came over straight away and we talked about it. She came up with a believable explanation to DDs complaints but I still couldn't rest easy. I spoke to DD again when she came home and she confirmed what our nanny had said. I asked her if she liked our nanny, and she told me she did. I asked her if she wanted our nanny to still come and look after her, and she said yes, then no. Then "because I want you to look after me".

I think the crux of the problem is that she doesn't want me to work and she is looking for ways to make that happen. She didn't directly lie, but she did embellish and twist things.

We're all on a firm footing again now, and I think I did the right thing as I know it would have been festering under the surface if I hadn't talked to her.

I hope you get it sorted and get some peace of mind.

eastmidlandsnightnanny · 19/11/2011 20:34

I would always air on the side of caution and believe a child so many times we hear of children not being listened to.

Perhaps he is lying so you will stay home with him equally it could be true.

Ask him to draw a picture of his body and colour the areas red where she hit him - then you can address it with nanny from here.

Original poster

headfairy · 20/11/2011 20:32

Thanks for all the messages everyone. He hasn't mentioned anything about the "hitting" all weekend and he was really disappointed we didn't bump in to our nanny at a local Christmas fair. In fact he begged me to go so we could meet up with her. To me that doesn't sound like a child in fear of a nanny who punches and bites him. I'll mention it to her but really just to flag it up for her.

OP posts:

nbee84 · 20/11/2011 21:12

The little boy I look after will cry "ow ow ow" and tell me to stop hurting him, when all I'm doing is holding his hand when he doesn't want me to (like crossing the road) or lifting him onto his chair at the dinner table when he'd rather be playing with his cars. After the 1st couple of times I made a point of holding him and lifting him very carefully so that there was no chance I was hurting him accidently - and he still cries "ow!"

MogandMe · 20/11/2011 21:36

I have also heard DC say to MB "You pushed me down the stairs/you just hurt me/Ow" when I can see/hear/know that she isn't

Saltire · 21/11/2011 11:01

This is difficult. I used to CM for a couple (that couple) and the older child was 3 and used to for example throw toys across the room, and when i aksed him not to do it, he would start crying and say "DS2 (my ds2) hit me". This was at 10am when DS2 was at school.
He also used to tell me that his dad locked him in a cupboard, or tell nursery that "Saltire hits me on the face with a stick" etc etc

Bugsy2 · 21/11/2011 11:12

headfairy, your last post says it all for me. No child who had been punched & bitten - which are significant & shocking events in a small child's life if they don't normally receive such treatment - would beg to go & meet up with the alleged perpetrator at a Christmas Fair!
Obviously, you can never be 100% certain - but I think you can rest easy. The fact you haven't made a really big deal about it, may well stand you in good stead for the future too.

funnypeculiar · 21/11/2011 11:20

One thing I've found useful with dd (who enjoys a bit of embellishment in the recounting of her day) is to say it's fine to make stuff up BUT we need to know when she's telling a pretend story & when she's telling a real story. We use a signal (winking) or a whispered "is this a real or a pretending story?"

Means she can still get to tell us her joyful fabrications, but I can usually get her to distinguish between stuff that's real and stuff she wishes was real....

realhousewife · 22/11/2011 12:48

OK let's assume he's telling the truth. He has been told his nanny will go to prison and she won't see her dd again. Is that going to make him continue to tell the truth or will it make him minimise what (he says) has happened?

And now let's assume he's not telling the truth. He may or may not care or be interested in whether his nanny goes to prison. It's an abstract concept for a 4 year old. Wanting to have Mummy back at home will be a more pertinent issue for him.

So what you need to get to is the truth. When I come across that all I do is keep asking questions. Where were you? Which arm? What did you say? What did she say? And particularly - was it an accident or was it on purpose? Keep going until, somewhere, because he is four and you are an adult, he will trip up and you will know the answer. If he doesn't trip up, he is telling the truth. There are a lot of twisted people out there, so don't dismiss it straight away.

MogandMe · 22/11/2011 14:36

I disagree with the badgering of the child in relation to abuse - this is one of the things they ask you not to do ie ask lots of questions as your questions can be leading ie a child falling off a sofa because their parent moved on the sofa may say Mummy did it which although Mummy was there is incorrect as they fell because they weren't sat on the chair properly.

To find out more play small world with him and let him show you with the people but don't try to badger a response out of him by asking lots of questions as he may try and please you with "the right" answer which may not actually be the truth.

realhousewife · 22/11/2011 14:51

Sorry I didn't mean badgering him with leading questions, but looking for factual detail such as where were you standing, what did you say to her, was it before teatime, also backing it up with trick questions like 'were you watching ...?' etc. I understand what you say about leading questions, and I feel loading the guilt on has the same effect which is what may have happened here. Of course we are hoping that nothing happened at all, but you just never know.

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