What to expect of nanny? My way or her way?

[revellish]

We have recently employed a nanny (only been 4 weeks or so) for our baby (6mo and toddler nearly 3yo) and I am still trying to get to grips with the whole employer/employee relationship. I would really appreciate some advice.

How much is reasonable for you to expect your nanny to do things as you do them or do you let her do things her way? (e.g. I usually put baby down for nap in his sleeping bag but she says he doesn't need it... do I insist or let it go?)

How much do you expect that she will account for what she has been doing and where she has taken the children of a day? e.g. Nanny took kids out on Friday afternoon, I work from home and she just said she was going 'out' with them at 2pm. She was only just back at 4pm (which is when she finishes) she ran in, dropped the kids off and left, although I did manage to get out of her that she had been much further away than I expected (30 min bus journey when I thought she had been at the park..!) She didn't actually say where though. :( My daughter is quite good at talking and said that they had gone to see one of 'nanny's friends'... which is OK in theory but why didn't she mention this to me?! I am concerned that it was because I wouldn't have been happy with her taking the children out in the afternoon for so long but she didn't want me to say 'no'. :(

And how much of a routine is it right to expect a nanny to follow? Is it unreasonable to expect that she stay at home in the afternoon after naptime and do things around the home if they were out in the morning? I want her to do things like painting and messy play etc... how do I suggest these things? It seems that she is brilliant at wanting to get out to things but I don't know how good she is at being creative at home.

But she came really highly recommended so I don't want to mess the relationship up but I don't know how (or whether) to ask her/ tell her to do things my way!

Argh! (Pulling hair out)
Any advice gladly accepted from nannies and mums with nannies.

I think your nanny should fit in with you and do things your way and say what she has been doing.

However if you work from home she is probably going out to avoid you as it is really difficult nannying with mum around unless she is prepared to stay completely out of the way.

I think at first a nanny should follow your thoughts / ideas but as she get to have "more of a say" ie changing naps slightly to fit with plans, putting baby down without growbag if she thinks its too hot etc.

RE going out.

My boss is sometimes about during the day ie lunch times and I have gotten used to doing chores so my charge and her can spend time together or distracting him so that she can get stuff done - he is 4 though(!) however I would dread it if she was to work from home. A nanny friends, boss works from home once a week and she is loud enough that the kids hear her, or is always in and out of the room, bangs about upstairs, takes loud phone calls that the children know she is there and want to spend time with her. So my friend spends all day out of the house from 9-6!!

Sit down and chat to her - communication is the key thing here!!

The nanny in me says you need to give her some flexibility and trust, although this must build up over time. Did she work in a different area before? Maybe she's just more familiar with the activities and nanny circle there. Also caring for the children must be a partnership. One could argue that if she wasn't happy she shouldn't have taken the job but grobag/not for example is a seemingly minor issue.

The parent in me says that if you want to associate grobag with sleep you do that, if you want a balance of home and outings that's your call and you get a certain amount of control over how much creative stuff they do. And I'd be pissed at the underhandedness.

But as a nanny I know what my strengths are and art ain't one of 'em! I'm very open about that though so if it were that important a parent probably wouldn't hire me. I make an effort but I'd rather be at the park or in the garden pretending to be a fairy or superhero etc than cutting and sticking.

There isn't a right way or a wrong way for any of this - there is just a way that works for her as a Nanny & a way that works for you as a Mum - then hopefully you find a way that works for you together as a Team.

You will get a lot of posts saying 'You can have it exactly how you want it, you are the employer & you are the Mum' etc (for a start there are a lot more Mums than Nannies on here so it's bound to be skewed) and to a certain extent they're right. You can demand whatever you like, you can stipulate the baby is always put in its sleepbag, you can insist she writes a daily journal or calls you before she goes out, you can insist she stays home and does sticking... or, you can let her get on with her job, while you get on with your job.

Things like sleepbags - if you can't trust her to use her judgement over that you should be looking at who you have chosen to look after your chlldren.

If you want them to do more 'art' then ask her if she would do that, ask her if there's anything she would like you to get in - if it's not her thing can she at least put the stuff out for the 3 year old... or take them to messy play somewhere.

If you want her to ask your permission to do things then tell her that.

If you don't want her to visit her friends/do playdates/go to meetups then tell her.

As for being out a long time - 2 hours is nothing.

How often do you work from home? I wouldn't be surprised if your nanny is out as much as possible when you are working from home - it's a nightmare for a nanny .

However, you have to realise that these things should have been discussed prior to employing her and whilst you can lay down any rules you like, she doesn't have to like them and can hand in her notice. You can't force someone to work in a way that doesn't suit them. I'm not saying she has you over a barrel - I'm just saying think about the things that really matter to you before steaming in :)

I think it depends on how qualified/experienced a nanny she is.

If she is very young/inexperienced/unqualified then it would reasonable/necessary for you to give a lot of guidance.

If she comes very qualified/experienced then it would be reasonable for you to listen to her views/let her structure her day as chances are she'll have more experience in caring for kids than you!

With regards to the grobag I think it depends on her reason. If she thinks it's too hot then you need to look into it. If it is too hot; no grobag. If it isn't; he goes in the grobag. If she just doesn't like the grobag and you do then she should do as you ask.

In terms of accounting for her day, get a nanny diary where she can jot down what they've done/where they've been/expenses/what they've eaten/how much they've slept etc.

She should tell you what she has done with them. but I don't think she should need to ask you before she does anything. TBH 'I wouldn't have been happy with her taking the children out in the afternoon for so long' rings alarm bells for me. They were out for 2 hrs not 10! You may find if you lighten up a bit and trust her she'll be happier to stay in the house and do messy play etc.

I think you need to give her a chance and then have a review in say 3 months (does it have a review mentioned in her contract?) and raise any issues you have then rather than picking up on things every day/as you go along.

It is about having a good working relationship.

Some nannies are happy to be told exactly what to do, down the last tiny detail. Other nannies are not.

Some parents want to know where the nanny is going/had been. Other parents do not .

Just because one parent thinks something - it does not make it the only way to do something.

How would you feel if your boss kept insisting that every single little thing you did should be done in exactly the same way they would do it? No reason for it, it's just the way they do it, so you have to too - even if your way works better, even if you way is just another way of doing it...?

The only way to have 100% control over the way your children are looked after is to do it yourself. If you hand the care over to someone else you have to realise that it's not longer totally under your control and you have to let them get on with it. Discuss the big issues, let the small ones go. Accept that different does not equal bad/worse/inadequate/worrying.

Could you assk her to write a diary so you know where they go?

Do you work from home? - maybe easier for her to be out especially in early days. Think it is definetly easier at start to get kids out and about - especially 3ish yr olds.

I went for an interveiw and the mum wanted me to text each time we left the house even to go to the post shop which was literally doors away she did not want me to take to the park swimming only one prearranged group. This was 12 hour day five day week job.
While i understand the need to be in the know which i will write down in the nanny book plus say something at breakfast i would have gone crazy being stuck in all day.
I do stay in we do messy play free play play dates parks museums swimming soft play walks train rides if mum and dad are at home then both child and i will say good bye. Also make sure that my phone is on at all times while working. We do go to other nannies houses to play as they come here to play or we might meet in the park also go to parents houses. My charges have made some really good friends locally hello is our favourite word when we leave the house. Still find the time to do all of those chores especially if charges were sleeping.
If my employer asks me to do something in certain way ie the grow bag then i will one of my previous employers lost some one in the london bombings so asked us to stay locally for for several months

I think that now she's been with you for a month or so its a really good time to have a "how do you feel things are going" chat. Find a quiet time, block it off your work diary and sit down and have a chat. I've done it with all three of my nannies and with all the other staff I employed in my previous job.

Ask her first of all how she feels things are going and if she has any concern, or things she's unsure of.

Then you can mention the sleeping bag (That's a reasonable request). I wouldn't be too concerened about the going out in the afternoon as long as you're not coming down to a messy house. You could ask her if she's like you to get particular crafty stuff in for her to do with your daughter and re- -itterate that enjoys doing that sort of thing.

My current nanny isn't so hot on the craft/painting thing as the previous two so she's better if I buy her kits - ELC or baker ross have some good ones.

Did you discuss with her the type of activities/outing you would like the nanny/or the nanny would like to do with your children at the interview stage? As a nanny I have no problem with giving parents a brief explaination to where we are going/have been, but I don't want to feel like I am going to be cross examined every time we leave the house or come in. I do think that if the nanny is taking the children somewhere out of the ordinary then I would have a quick chat, ask permission from the parents - as I think that is only respectful.

Re the grobag I did have an employer who asked me always put baby in grobag and I just thought their baby their call, but did discuss with them when the weather got hotter - Mum had learned to trust my judgement by that time.

My way or her way? - I think it should be a bit of both really. You are the parent and ultimately things are up to you but your nanny is experienced so will have lots of ideas of her own and nobody will exactly replicate you.

I think routine should be roughly what you would expect - you want the routine in place for your own days when nanny is not there, not to have to follow her routine when it doesn't suit what you do with your time off. Though I do think a routine should have a bit of flexibility.

Thinks like discipline and diet should always be what the parents decide but small things like the gro bag or going to the park instead of doing arts & crafts should be more the nannies remit.

Some parents like to know were the nanny is going before they go, some are quite happy to hear about it afterwards. I prefer the latter type as I often do things last minute or have a change of plans if the weather is sunny/raining or the child has requested an outing/activity. I would always tell the parents about where we have been and who we have seen and don't think it is right that your nanny has been vague about it - though maybe she had to be somewhere after work and needed to rush away.

How would you feel if someone micro-managed you in your job and questioned your methods when you were perfectly competent? You need to remember when you employ a nanny that it is a job like any other and yes, it does involve looking after your kids but if you employ someone to do that rather than doing it yourself then you have to accept that to a certain extent you've delegated things like deciding whether they wear sleeping bags for naps, exactly what they do every minute of the day.

I'd echo what others have said about teamwork, the best approach for all concerned, and especially the kids, is for parents and nanny to work together. You will never be identical on all things, no one is, but you need to be consistent on the important stuff so the kids know where they are.

You say your nanny comes highly recommended but what works brilliantly for one family may not work at all for another - we are all different. I'm sure there are families who would be really unhappy with my nanny whereas I love her and think she's fab. Ultimately you need the right person for your family and in my experience if you have that stuff like what they wear to sleep and where they go on the bus become unimportant.

PS I work from home occasionally and my nanny always goes out almost all day. It is a nightmare trying to distract a child who knows that mummy is at home and doesn't understand why they can't spend time with her. Equally a nightmare being mummy and trying to hold conference calls with a toddler banging on the door so I appreciate her going out!

I don't think a grobag is such a small thing really. If it's a designated sleep cue then the nanny should respect that, just as I'd expect them to respect a loved soft toy. Of it is too hot then she should talk to you and maybe use a lighter one. Aden + Anaïs do 1 layer muslin ones.

When I had a nanny, we always had about 10 minutes at the end of the day talking about what they'd done and where they'd been.

The same in the morning, we had a short hand-over, where I explained if one of them wasn't well, or had been up all night. Perhaps you should insist on this?

Try to focus on what the core issue actually is... is it that you don't trust your nanny yet? Is it that you want to have a lot of control over things?

What childcare did you use before this nanny? Did you use any childcare at all? It may help for us to know some background as this may be your first time of having your children cared for by someone else.

Big house, small house? Is working from home really practical to do at your home if your children are at home at the same time? Sound travels and it can be distracting if you are trying to work. So nanny going out I see as being a good thing if that then means you can get on with work in relative peace.

What tracking of nannies day do you currently do? For example, do you get sent photos on say a weekly/monthly basis? Do you get any travel log - if a nanny uses their car you get a mileage log. As your nanny uses public transport, do you get any kind of log?

As others have said, whilst a nanny is your employee and you can tell them what to do, it works best if it's teamwork... a partnership. You don't want to micromanage a nanny, you want them to use their initiative and not constantly ask you things, permission to do things. You want your children to be happy. You want to be able to work in peace not with a baby crying in the next room.

How long is Probation? You are past the honeymoon period (8 to 10 days) and now into probation. So it's a good time to have a chat with your nanny about how things are going, what they like and dislike about the job. Raise the things you like and dislike about what the nanny does.

Thank you all for your comments so far... there were a few questions of clarification that maybe will help explain...

Nanny maybe I don't trust her yet... I guess that just takes time, maybe that's why I want her to do things more my way in the beginning til I can be sure that I trust her and that she can work with our family well?! I used a nursery for my older child before this and its such a difference. (In some ways easier, I could just drop her off and didn't have any idea of what she was doing until I got a report and random paintings at the end of the day!)

Erm, probably by most people's standards, small house... (3 bedrooms but they're not big, ex-council, I work at a desk in my bedroom, the baby and toddler each have a room cause cot wouldn't fit in my room) There is some space locally I could use for work but I am still bf once or twice a day (11am and or 2:30/3pm) so I thought it would be easier if I was at home but I beginning to think that I wasn't at home then she wouldn't feel like she had to get out the house all the time!

No tracking at the moment as I've mostly been around for her to tell me what she's going to do. She doesn't drive mostly walks to local things.

I really want it to work because actually we seem to get on really well (she is roughly the same age as me) and she clearly loves the kids and they her. There are just a couple of things that need ironed out but I don't know if I'm being controlling/ micro-managing!

fraktious I agree... a sleeping bag is a sleep cue... which is why I want that to be consistent. Is it unreasonable to ask her to put the baby in lighter clothes or sleeping clothes so that he is OK to have a sleeping bag also? It is cooler now anyway, so he might not even need a change of clothes as well as a sleeping bag? Also, I agree, I don't want her to be doing arty-farty stuff if she doesn't want to, it is more a desire that she stay closer to home in the couple of hours following nap time. (So playing at home, games, baking, being a fairy :), going to the local park... not taking them on an hour-long round trip on the bus for an hour of playing wherever they actually went... I still don't actually know because I'm trying to figure out how to address the issue...)

Onehang I think that I might do this, which was why I was annoyed that she rushed in, dropped the kids and ran off on Friday (although I suspect actually its because she didn't want to tell me where she'd gone; my daughter had a little bag of sweets in her pocket and a dummy in her mouth which I've made clear is for naps only...and a dummy in the baby's mouth too which we discussed would be use for naps time only in situations that he really really really wouldn't settle) :(

(Also, I thought that they were at the outside at park for 2 hours... in the cold, and dusk, which did feel like quite a long time!! OK for a toddler running around but not a baby in a pram.)

In the first week I printed out the kids routine (which I don't believe have to be rigidly stuck to, but just followed more or less) and she has not consulted it once. (I know this cause I found it down the back of the sofa at the end of the first day and she's not asked for it.) It is only a part-time job and her hours are 8am - 4pm, so really not a long day with no cooking really involved (only lunch which is usually sandwiches or leftovers of whatever, baby's food already prepared). So I guess maybe that's why I want her to follow what I would like for the kids. I really don't want her to feel like she can't do things, or has to get out the house all the time but the younger one is only 6 months old and I don't really want him dragged off all over the place. :( He's only small. (I feel she used the contraband dummy with him on Friday because he hates spending long times in the buggy and he would have been screaming the place down... to me that means don't take him out in the buggy for a long time, but I'm worried that for her it means 'give him the dummy'.)

TBH I probably mostly work from home so that I can see how she is with the kids, especially the baby. I know this is awful really. I think ohnoshedittant might be right, I need to lighten up... (gulp) any tips for how I can let go but still feel that my kids are OK?!

I am a nanny ,I have to say that if I am taking the children out I do not always tell mum first unless we are out for a long time ,a long time to me is three or four hours usually I do leave a note in the diary that we went to the park ,library ,friends etc I also occasionally take photos as do most of my nanny friends I do not generally take the children to my friends unless there are children of a roughly similar age. I am very ,very experienced twenty years or so but I do think that with every job Ive had what the parents ask me to do I would do, you have a sleeping bag for your baby so I would think your nanny should use it unless warm.This goes for the dummy also,if you have asked her to use it as little as possible. I have worked for people who s child would had a dummy in their mouth all day and for things like that I think it is a nannies job to sometimes advise and help parents be brave enough to get rid of dummies and also bottles when it is time .I agree with someone above that as your nanny has been with you for a little while now you could ask her in for chat one evening to chat over how things are going ,whether she has any thing she d` like to discuss with you maybe there is something she would like you to get in for her to eat .then you could ask if there are any art,sticking supplies she needs,I generally go out and buy paints,glues and collage materials.At the interview did you tell her that you work from home ? or do you work from home to keep an eye on her.I can understand that it is difficult to leave your children with a new person but yor nanny is experienced and recommended to you so I would have the chat ,[a glass of wine helps]and just ask her how she feels things are and how she feels about you being at home.Sorry for the long waffle!

Your nanny should do things exactly how you want her to. Very unsettling for your dc to do things one way with you at the weekend and another way during the week.

Our nanny always pre approves playdates though once I have ok'd a child/nanny/mother then she is just checking it is ok to go - more just as I like to know what they are doing during the day.

Nanny should have dc home when you want them, and if running late should text you.

Yes account for kitty money by leaving receipts for you.

Should keep diary so you know what has been done/ if child has had medicine etc....

As a mother, I have always used 2 things with my nannies that I found helpful. First, we have a nanny diary where she writes down what the children did during the day, what they ate, when they slept, and any other important info regarding development, health, etc - I want to know everything about what my kids do as I'm out at work all day, also then it's helpful for me to maintain their routine on the weekends, know if there are any health niggles I need to be aware of, etc. Second, in the contract, I include a set of "house rules" that I want the nanny to follow - any special exceptions must be cleared with me beforehand. For example, she needs to be home with children by 5pm, I list which areas of town she can take the children - any others (further away from home) she needs to clear with me, no taking children to houses of people I don't know, no inviting over to my house of people I don't know (I want to meet nannies/children/parents before she has playdates in someone's home or invites people for playdates to my home), rules about going in cars, public transport, etc, with children. That way things are very clear about what I am comfortable with, and anything else needs to be discussed with me first. Your nanny does need to be accountable to you about what she does with your children during the day. Sounds like you need to have a talk with her about things.

Thanks for your post pinkpeony it sounds like you have it sorted with your nanny! Do you mind if I ask how your nanny felt about these 'house rules' and also keeping the nanny diary? Also, really cheekily, would you mind emailing me the document of your house rules... that sounds really really helpful!! :) Let me know if that's OK or not and I'll PM my email address. Don't worry if you don't want to... I won't be offended.

(Also, we have already signed a contract... do you think I should add something to it as an amendment or is that not necessary/ allowed?!)

tbh no way is better but you need to make sure that whatever way you chose you are both happy with

for example - im a nanny that does it mainly my way - obv i would never do stuff that parents objected to but i am employed to be a sole charge nanny and have always been left to my own devices

for example there is no way i would agree to never going to anyones house or them not being allowed to my place of work WITHOUT getting mb getting to meet them first

if you employ me and trust me with your dc/house/car/money etc then trust my judgement to who i interact with and get your dc to play/see

i dont always say what we are doing in the morning as plans change/children get sick/playdates cancelled etc - but i will say in the evening or send an email to both boss's so both can see - normally add a pic as well if been to a park/zoo/M&T etc

hrs is really not a long time - i have been known to leave works house at 8am and not back till 6pm before after collecting mb from the station - but thats with 3 dc and with music/tumbletots/school runs/after school gym club etc

Hi revellish, have sent you a pm. I have had 3 nannies, and none of them has ever raised issue with my "house rules" - they are pretty basic, and most people I know who employ nannies have house rules too. All it means is that if the nanny wants to do something differently, she needs to clear it with me first. Also, I thought all nannies kept nanny diaries - every one I ever interviewed said she kept one in her previous jobs. I work full time out of the house and my kids are small, so I need to know things like how many milk feeds and naps the baby is having, how is potty training going with the toddler (how many accidents) etc., it wouldn't be possible without keeping a diary. You could just suggest she starts keeping a diary, as you heard that lots of nannies do that - and say it would help you maintain the children's routine when she is not around. It's not a negative thing in any way. She doesn't need to tell me where she takes my children before hand, unless it is somewhere far, to someone else's home, or it is expensive, but I do want to know at the end of each day what the children did.

Blondeshavemorefun it's not about interfering with the nanny's work in any way, it's just that if anything happens to my children even if they are in my nanny's charge, I am the one who is ultimately responsible as the mother, not the nanny, and I will be the one who will have to live with any mistakes for the rest of my life - so yes I will be extra careful about safety and secutiy even though I do trust my nanny.

I would not be happy with my nanny taking kids to see 'a friend'. With my nanny, I have said that I don't want my kids to spend time with adults that I have not met. My nanny is part-time though, so I can see that a full-time nanny might want some socialising - but I would want to discuss and agree how it is done. Absolutely would not want to think my children were in a strange adult's house without my knowledge. It would be a very strange situation.

It depends on the nanny obv, but I'm with blonds on this. No-way would I take a job with those sort of 'house-rules' (unless it was unusually well paid!).

As a nanny, spending large amounts of time alone with other people's young children in their homes we make ourselves very vulnerable to accusations. I need to feel a family trust me 110%.

The not allowing your kids to go to other people's houses/other people to come to your house always puzzles me! Why? What is the concern and how does your having met them take away that worry?