is this parent asking to much? or am i getting it wrong?

[MaryPoppinsMagic]

I'm a new childminder; I have just taken on a 15 month old little boy, the first few days have been awful, he has screamed the whole time and won't stop unless I walk round cuddling him at all times this is difficult as I have a dd of my own who gets upset by the screaming.

The parent has put some restrictions on me which I'm struggling with a little

• I said I was taking the children to play group and having a coffee with a friend and her children whilst there

the parent said I could go to play group but cannot have a coffee with my friend as she wants me to follow her ds at all times

• the parent gave me a book for a sure start centre and highlighted all the groups, times and days and told me I must go to these groups.

the centre is quite out of my way, and I don't always have enough time to do the school run if I do as she has asked

• I explained to the parent I cannot take the child when ill. This morning he came and had really bad diarrhoea

i called parent to pick him up, when she collected she got quite off with me saying I should still look after him, when I explained again I couldn't do this she seemed really annoyed

• I said this morning (before the poops) that we would be going for a walk to the shop this morning as I had run out of milk and butter

she said I am not to take her son to the shops as she is not happy with me going there with her son

So, am I going wrong here? I spoke to another childminder and she says its very unreasonable the requests she is putting on me, I have a dd of my own aswell and I want to do things that suit both ages, I honestly don't see nipping to the shop as a problem as children like the adventure!

What can I do??? Please help!

what can you do???

tell her to piss off

she wants a slave, not a childminder

Run like the wind and don't look back! This lady needs a nanny not a cm'er, if she wants to dictate what her son does and does not do during the day.

I do agree with her that at playgroup you shouldn't be sitting with your friend drinking coffee - you should be playing with/supervising the children.

Other than that though - it's up to you which groups you attend, you are running your own business, you aren't a nanny employed by the parent.

Illness/D&V - do you have a policy? You should be excluding for 48 hours. Did you make the parent aware of your policies when you signed contracts?

Hmm I would get shot personally but then I am not a cm and don't have much patience with this kind of parent!

oh dear

okay

The parent cannot dictate where and when you go, and if they want to they need a nanny so telling you you cannot visit friend and children is not acceptable

You select the venues and activities you take the children to, to suit the ages stages and interests of them; again if she wants sole control over where and when you take the child she needs a nanny

D and V - you cannot care for an ill child, HPA guidance here

Visiting shops, handling money, being part of the community are all part of the EYFS, if she does not want care that follows regulations then again, a nanny

Give notice, we've all had difficult or bad starts to our CMing businesses

totally unreasonable rita

the op would obviously be drinking her much needed coffee with her eyes on the child, looking out for him all the time

to suggest she shouldnt have a coffee is ludicrious, is she not to eat or drink all day whilst childminding then

nb of course you will be watching even at coffee with friend

perhaps invite friend to yours in future, you know your home is ''suitable''

It is your business and you decide how to run it not the parents. You most certainly don't go to the groups she chooses.

I think you need to explain to this mum the difference between a childminder and a nanny.

What she is asking would be acceptable if she were your employer and you had only her child to consider.

With a childminder, it's not at all acceptable for her to control your day to the extent she is trying to do. She doesn't seem to appreciate that you're looking after other children for whom you must offer the same standard of care.

That's why you can't take a child who is sick. You have a duty of care to the other children. That's why you can't go to all the groups she wants you to attend because you have other commitments to other children in your care. You certainly won't be able to follow her DS around constantly if he is not your sole charge. To be honest, I question whether even a nanny would breathe down his neck to that extent. The ones I've met at groups certainly wouldn't, although they always keep a watchful eye on their charges.

It may be that the mum would prefer a nanny to care for her child. I think it would be very difficult to try and meet her demands as a childminder. I don't think you've gone wrong at all.

You need to be very clear with her that it is up to you to decide which groups are appropriate and convenient for you. Explain to her that visiting shops, the bank, parks etc. are very much part of the normal expectations of a childminder. Not doing the whole weekly shop, obviously, but involving the children in buying ingredients for their lunch, letting them pay etc. Is exactly what you should be doing.

This mother seems to have missed the point about using a childminder. I wanted my dd's Childminder to include her in everyday family life, including all the usual errands. I wouldn't have dreamed of trying to dictate which groups she attended, or which other childminders or friends she met up with. I trusted her implicity to care for my child and to make decisions in her best interests. This trust was completely repaid by the wonderful relationship dd had with her childminder, and the love and care the childminder always gave dd.

Please sit down and have a very straight forward conversation telling her what you are and aren't prepared to do. If she is not happy with what you are offering, then you should give her notice.

My initial thought when she said all this was she needs a nanny not a childminder, maybe I will suggest this to her when we review at the end of this week. I gave a week settling in period where we can both end at any time.

I probably sounded like I just go let the children run wild while I sip coffee, but I honestly do play and watch them. I like to influence independent play aswell as joining in as I think this teaches them good skills.

I have to wait in between 10-1 tomorrow for my new dishwasher to be delivered - maybe I won't mention it!

I have a sickness policy which states no attendance within 48 hours of the illness.

However the parent just called me and said see you at 9 as he hasn't been ill this morning - feel really pushed into a corner here.

I'm not sure this has anything to do with it but there is a huge language barrier, and the way she parents is very different. The boy doesn't go to bed till 9pm and when he comes in the morning is exhausted!

She also sends frankfurters (hot dogs) for his breakfast which I kind of begrudge giving him to be honest

My initial thought when she said all this was she needs a nanny not a childminder, maybe I will suggest this to her when we review at the end of this week. I gave a week settling in period where we can both end at any time.

I probably sounded like I just go let the children run wild while I sip coffee, but I honestly do play and watch them. I like to influence independent play aswell as joining in as I think this teaches them good skills.

I have to wait in between 10-1 tomorrow for my new dishwasher to be delivered - maybe I won't mention it!

I have a sickness policy which states no attendance within 48 hours of the illness.

However the parent just called me and said see you at 9 as he hasn't been ill this morning - feel really pushed into a corner here.

I'm not sure this has anything to do with it but there is a huge language barrier, and the way she parents is very different. The boy doesn't go to bed till 9pm and when he comes in the morning is exhausted!

She also sends frankfurters (hot dogs) for his breakfast which I kind of begrudge giving him to be honest

She's asking far too much!
I'm not a CM but have used one, I trusted them to decide where was appropriate to take my child.
You expect them to do normal daily activities such as going to the supermarket as children would if they were at home with their parent.

ged rid, this one will run and run and you will spend half your life posting here about the mothers unreasonableness

just let the child go, its not your problem, someone else will turn up

Phone her back and re-iterate the 48 hour rule. Tell HER when you will have her child again, not the other way round.

I've used a nanny before and now use a CM - I wouldn't even have given those instructions to the nanny, let alone the CM!!!!

Unless it's for major outings that are quite a distance away, or very much out of routine my CM doesn't tell me about them before hand. (Eg, She would tell me if she wanted to take them to a major park, or like yesterday to a halloween event in the local town which would have been after school and during their usual tea time). What she does is put the info into a their daily diary. But I dont' have details of exactly which playgroup etc they go to - I'm sure she would tell me if I wanted to know, but I don't feel the need to know!

She is not your employer. You provide a service which she pays for, but that's it. You dictate the terms, and if she doesn't like it she goes elsewhere.

Say goodbye and good luck at the end of the week - she sounds a nightmare!

Agree with the others and I know this is REALLY hard, it's much harder when you only have your own children as others as it's not so easy for us to say 'it's not fair if my child catches it', much easier to say 'it's not fair to risk other families catching it!'. I've lost HUNDREDS of ££sss in the past for people bringing in sick children (pretending they weren't) and then me having to close when I caught it. This huge loss of income has helped me be EXTREMELY strict on this and I once was face to face with a new parent at pick up and told her 'I'm very sorry but this will be X's last day with me' when I found out the £300 I'd recently lost could have been avoided (I'd proof of her lying which is why I got rid just like that). She offered to pay the £300 but I said the trust was gone and that was that. It was one of the hardest things I had to do but I can't have people treating me like that, been there done that over the years!!!

You must NOT take this child tomorrow. Tell them you just found out you can get into trouble with Environmental Health for not following the HPA guidelines!! They MUST still pay you as if this is in your policies. Start as you mean to go on, you'll feel much better for it afterwards!!

And this is just how I feel on the sickness side of things.......as for the rest of it, she can't have her cake and eat it, if she wants a nanny then she needs to pay the higher rate and EMPLOY one. This is YOUR business and how you run it is up to you, if they don't like it, they can go elsewhere!! But no CM will put up with that nonesense for long!!!

Let us know how you get on.

LT x

She sounds crazy, my dd has had 2 cms and I would never dream of dictating where and where not she can take my dd

I am a bit surprised tbh that this wasn't explained to her at the initial meeting as with my cms it was explained to me what a average day would look like, what sort of activites/ outings etc they regularly went on so I knew what to expect. Im my mind you either trust someone with your child or you don't - she obviously doesn't so she needs to find alternative childcare.

Also if the baby is exceptionally clingy it sort of suggests to me that there are other issues going on, maybe the baby doesn't have a secure base - not surprising with an over controlling mother!

I would call her back now, and say that you're terminating the settling in period with immediate effect. I'm fairly sure that you can do this during the settling in period, without any notice. Why wait until the end of the week for this woman to make more demands (or to allow the child to start to settle in with you)?

I agree with the others, she sounds like a nightmare. I'd run now while you can because she sounds like a woman who is going to piss you off on a regular basis.

I said to her when she came to see me that I would do trips out, such as groups, shops and different places and she agreed with it all, thing is though I'm not sure how much she understands.

I have a welcome pack which has all my policies and procedures that I ask parents to take home, read and sign and she did this after a few days.

Its such a difficult position to be in, I don't want to turn her away but in another sense I don't want to feel so restricted in what I am 'allowed' to do.

I am going to sit her down and talk about the whole situation,

Any idea on how I can nicely get across that I will do things my way?

I said to her when she came to see me that I would do trips out, such as groups, shops and different places and she agreed with it all, thing is though I'm not sure how much she understands.

I have a welcome pack which has all my policies and procedures that I ask parents to take home, read and sign and she did this after a few days.

Its such a difficult position to be in, I don't want to turn her away but in another sense I don't want to feel so restricted in what I am 'allowed' to do.

I am going to sit her down and talk about the whole situation,

Any idea on how I can nicely get across that I will do things my way?

What do you mean,how much she understands? Is her English poor?

If she's been to you with a list of demands even after your chat and reading your policies and procedures, I really don't think you will EVER get across that you will do things your way.

Really, I seriously believe the best option would be to end the trial (even though that means losing income).