Extra duties for nanny, what is reasonable?

[Knackeredmother]

My ds is sick with many, many hospital admissions. We aren't coping at all, not eating properly, house a state etc.
Thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1322320-To-want-our-family-and-friends-to-help-us
This is primary reason we have a nanny. We are very happy with how she cares for the children however we are at the point where unless we get extra help around the house one of us will need to give up work (and thus she will be jobless).
So is it reasonable to ask.....,
She does children's ironing when dd at school and son asleep
Tidy kids rooms
Hang out washing
Empty and fill dishwasher (including any dishes made by us that are there)
Hoover living room floor (this needs doing daily and I find myself doing it at midnight if they have been in all day)
Pick up medications/post letters etc
Cook extra meals to freeze for when we are in hospital

The first 2 are actually already in her contract but don't get done.
As I said we are at the point of one of us leaving work as our life is unmanageable at the moment. The above requests would prevent this.
She is on nearly £10 p.h gross in the midlands. We are never, ever late home and flexible employers (I hope).
So is this reasonable or am I likely to offend?

Should add, we have a cleaner once a week but simply can not afford to pay for anything else!

All duties relating to children, especially ones in her contract are fair game.

I would hope that, in your circumstances, the nanny would not mind filling/emptying dishwasher or pushing the hoover round.

cook extra meals not too arduous a task - she could double whatever she is doing, and freeze half (assuming you are not asking for specific gourmet meals to be frozen).

The only sticking point imo would be the picking up meds, but she must have to be in town to eg pick up top up milk/bread etc at some point, so could easily combine.

I hope your ds gets better soon

I think you should let up on some of the housework if you are in such a stressful situation.
The important things are food and medicine.
Slightly less important: dishes, tidying and laundry.
Unimportant: hoovering.
Profoundly unimportant: ironing for children.

I am so, so sorry that you are struggling with illness, and possibly needing to give up a job. I just think this is a good time to cut some slack with the housework.
I think the nanny should help you when she has time, especially as you sound like really considerate and appreciative employers, who are going through a difficult time. I would ask her to help with the most important things: making healthy food and necessary medicine always available, and keeping the house liveable. I would forget about anything inessential.

the ironing is already in the nanny's contract, though, and she is not fulfilling her duties. as is tidying (and, I would argue, hoovering the living room if it is in need because they have been in there all day - cleaning common areas after use is always in my contracts)

the nanny is there to make your life easier, not harder, OP. as you say, if she does not front up with at least the duties as set out in her contract, then she may well be out of a job.

asking for a little extra, when you are clearly under huge pressure, is not a big ask, imo. surely give and take is part of the job?

you could try to talk with her, and ask if she would take on the extra duties under set circumstances (ie when your ds is ill, and you are all run ragged). but be sure to remind her to actually do what she is employed to do as well.

The meds are collected from the surgery in the same village where she pucks dd up from school.
I dont ask her to pick up bread/milk etc but this would also be useful as would receiving and putting away Internet shop.
Are these similarly acceptable?
I was reasoning if it was a choice between extra duties while our situation is as it is or having no job it might be ok?
That sounds like blackmail, it really isn't, it's just the unfortunate situation we are in.

x-posts.

yes, imo top up shops acceptable as a nanny duty (have always asked ours to do it - she is the one using it daily, and in need of it more often than me, after all. she uses kitty money to do so).

receiving/putting away an internet shop not a big deal either, imo - surely whoever is around when it arrives deals with it?

oh, and picking up meds on the way to pick up your dd does not sound as though it would take a lot of effort.

really, I would hope that a person employed by you, in a relationship which has so far been harmonious, would actually offer to do some of this.

Your nanny sounds rubbish, tbh. She isn't fulfilling even quite basic nanny duties. Why don't you get rid of her and get a new nanny?

I worked as a nanny for a family with no extra needs. One child was at school in the mornings and the other did a morning at nursery once a week. My jobs included receiving the online shop and putting it away, doing a top up shop for any missed items, sorting the dishwasher, hoovering the lounge, cooking batch meals, doing the children's washing/ironing, keeping the children's rooms tidy and doing bed sheet changes.

I did this 6 years ago for £6 per hour gross in Surrey.

So no, it wouldn't be unreasonable to ask her for some extra 'help' as I'd always assumed these were a nanny's role anyway.

I'm a nanny and in the situation you described I'd happy do everything you've listed. Hell, in that situation I'd like to think I'd offer!

I would do all that you wanted and with out being asked ,my charge has all sort of creams lotions potions epi pens all part of the job putting in the reorder forms collecting them ensuring that things are fully in date and we never run out. Cooking never a probelm always cook double and freeze

Everything you ask as being reasonable is in my nanny's basic contract

Nothing you ask is out of the ordinary

I wonder why she has not offered to help a little more seeing as she must see what stress you are under?

My nanny has very nicely folded all my clothes and left them on my bed before she sorted the kids stuff - she also does the dishwasher regardless

I agree that everything you ask is reasonable - I have had nannies (only 2, am not someone who serially goes through nannies!) do all of those things without any problem and often without being asked. I would be peeved that things in her contract are not being done, and also that she hasn't stepped up to the mark despite knowing how stressed you must be.

I read half of your other thread yesterday and presumed (or misread) that you and dh were trying to cope with this all by yourselves. Quite shocked to read this today that you have a nanny. She can't be doing her job well/properly if things aren't being kept under some basic level of control. She should be dealing with all of your children's washing/ironing/bed changing and clearing up properly after herself and the children at the end of the day before she finishes work. You certainly shouldn't be having to stick the hoover round late at night Most nannies in her position would be able to see what stresses you are going through and be doing little bits here and there to try and make your life a bit smoother.

I think you need to sit down with her and have a heart to heart chat - maybe she doesn't realise that you are at breaking point and thinks that you are coping. Let her know what you've said here about one of you maybe having to give up your job so she would be out of work. Hopefully it will make her take stock and do what she can to help so that she will still have a job to go to.

Aside from the nanny situation - your boss sounds very unreasonable. Would it be an option to go and see your gp and get yourself signed off sick with stress for 2/3 weeks - it may be just what you need to get back onto an even keel and you certainly sound as if you need to step down a bit before you are completely run ragged as then you'll be no use to anyone.

Wishing you all the best and hope your son's health improves x

Sit her down, point to what she is supposed to do and warn her she needs to pull her socks up. Follow up in 2 weeks. Document it all so if you let her go and get a new nanny you have grounds.

How long has she been with you?

Are you perhaps being too nice about it all? Sometimes you need to say straight out 'I need...' and then in the evening 'have you done...?'.

None of what you ask is unreasonable, or indeed unusual in your situation.

Sorry, that sounds like a tough and awful time for you.

I agree that you should let some of the housework go. If you and your DH need ironed shirts for work, then send them to a dry cleaner. Maybe one near your places of work?

Online shopping is the way to go, with an app on your phone to enable you to do it in odd moments.

Definitely be more explicit about what you need.

Regarding the hoovering, would a light carpet sweeper or hand-held hoover help? Less fag to get in and out so she might be more inclined to do it.

Put up a notice in your local shop asking if anyone would like to walk a dog. Some people (maybe older people) love dogs but can't keep one of their own.

Tidy kids' rooms, do their ironing - absolutely if in contract. Emptying dishwasher - you're a mean nanny if you won't do that when you have (partly) used it

Re the hoovering, could you get an irobot roomba (google it). robot hoover that will vacuum while you're asleep. they're not cheap but brilliant - and much cheaper long term than getting extra house help or going mad with stress. I got one last year when v stressed with dh away for months at work and it's been a lifesaver. HoWEVER, if she's been in with kids all day then yes, it's her job to do it.

Hanging up washing - do you have a dryer? No one could object to shoving a bunch of clothes in that once a day, surely.

Please, though, let go of housework, it can be the last straw I know only too well but you have to accept slipping standards at times. And talk to your nanny. And the very best to you and your son.

OP, I read some of your thread yesterday but didn't post, sorry. I am sorry to hear of your son's illness and the pressures you are under. I have one child (DS, who is nearly 4 and thankfully is very well) and work part time (3 long days a week) in a professional role, and we have a nanny too so I can empathise to a degree. Not in relation to the illness, sorry, you have my utmost sympathy there.

Nothing you have thought of asking your nanny to do is unreasonable. Your nanny isn't doing the basic duties that are in her contract at the moment, which is one issue. Another is that you are clearly under enormous pressure, which she must be aware of, working in your home, and not only is she not doing her basic job, but she somehow hasn't had the decency to offer to help out more as it is clearly needed.

Is she your first nanny by any chance? I ask as we are on our second nanny. The first nanny stayed with us for 18 months before taking maternity leave. The second (current) nanny has been with us for 18 months too and hopefully isn't going anywhere. They have both been terrific with our DS, and I have no complaints in the level of care or love he has received from either of them.

But the difference that our current nanny makes to our lives as a family is enormous. She has so much energy and initiative - she will put a load of washing on, peg it on the line, bring it in, iron the parts that are for DS and either fold and leave our things on our bed, or put them in our ironing pile. She will make a cake every week (with DS as he loves to cook), which is a lovely treat for us. She gets supplies like bread and milk in if we're running low, puts food from the fridge into the freezer if its on its use by date, always leaves the playroom clean and tidy at the end of the day, and just generally sees things that need to be done and organises her time around them. All whilst caring for DS and doing lovely things with him. Every day.

Sorry for the essay, but I know first hand the difference between a fairly good nanny and an excellent nanny. When I found out that our first nanny was going on maternity leave, I was very fretful about how DS would cope being cared for by someone else, how we would all get on with a new person etc, but this has been such a positive change for us. Would you consider recruiting a new nanny? It could make all the difference for you. I appreciate that it will also take time and effort, and you may not have the energy to do that now, but it could be something to think about as your son improves from this latest bout of illness.

In the emantime, I think you need to be more direct with your nanny, and spell out what needs to be done. maybe give her a timetable (in the loosest sense of the word) with what you expect to be done. She may try to resist it, but maybe that would help make the decision on whether she is right or wrong for you as a family long term a little easier. She may enjoy the challenge and reward.

Totally agree with HappyAsIAm. Our nanny does all of the things you list OP as a matter of course and without me having to ask her.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Our nanny is live-in and is treated like a member of the family. From day 1 (and in the interview itself) I made it clear that I would treat her as part of the family but expected her to act like a responsible family member too - i.e. act as I do and unload dishwasher, take rubbish out, etc.

Really hope your son recovers soon. Hang on in there kiddo

how weird, just replied to your other thread - the title just seemed to leap out at me- i dont read a lot of aibu

most of what you have asked f perfectly normal and most nannies would happily oblige and normal nursery duties

personally im not a lover of ironing/hoovering, but in your circumstances and for the health and well being of your ds, the room obviously needsto be hoovered daily

most nannies happy to empty/fill the dw - but what is annoying is when the dw is empty yet the dirty plates are stacked by the side

you need to sit down and be very blunt with your nanny and say xyz needs to be done

why she cant cook extra and freeze or go and buy milk/bread is

within reason a nanny is there as loco parental and should be quite capable and happy to do the things you have asked

if i were you i would seriously be thinking about changing your nanny

how long has she been with you?
is she qualified?
how old?

In my last nanny job I did both the childrens washing and ironing, would happily stick in a mixed load of parents/childrens, hang up or put through the tumble dryer, sort out and fold the parents clothes, clean, tidy, dust and hoover the childrens bedrooms, bathroom and playroom, hoover the kitchen daily as I can't bear dirty floors, cook for the children, bake cakes or flapjacks once a week, do the school run and regular activties with the youngest and my DS who came to work with me and run any errands that were needed, sorted out the weekly shop when it was delivered and picked up any urgents supplies like bread or milk. In other jobs I've also regularly walked the dogs, mucked out horses, and done parents ironing when I only had one charge who was at nursery and school before mb had Dc2. ( I don't do shirts or sheets though. )

Your nanny sounds like a lazy, inconsiderate person who should be making your life easier. Anyone with an ounce of empathy would be doing their utmost to help you.

I don't know if I'm making her sound worse than she is. She is
A very good nanny (lots of activities/crafts with kids etc) but STRICTLY that. She is part time though so that obviously has a bearing on how much she could do and I don't expect all the washing/ironing/kids rooms to be done, but some while she is here.
She works 3 days and dd is at preschool for
1 and half of these.
I posted on my other thread that I left a message yesterday telling her ds ill again and saying we needed to meet. She didn't ring back until today when I was at work (left message) and said she forgot to reply.
I find it odd that she never replies to ask how he is if I text from hospital to let her know we are in again.
She had left when i got home tonight - asked dh today if she could leave early to go to her sons parents evening.

Sorry - She may be great with the kids but I still think she needs a kick up the back side you need to sit her down and have a chat.
Im a childminder, so slightly diffrent scenario, But as and when 'my parents' ask for favours, I do my best to help out if I can.
Any how my offer on the other thread still stands.

I work 3 days a week and I manage to do all the children's clothes washing, change and wash their beds (fortnightly), wash their towels weekly, clean the children's bathroom, put the hoover round once in the week and do at least one lot of batch cooking a week. Doesn't take long.

And I still manage to do arts & crafts, swimming, farm visit and a library visit during those 3 days.

She forgot to reply to you??

You're her employer!

She isn't making your life easier is she? I guess it is hard in the midst of everything to sort new childcare but she's adding to your to do list at the moment