mum/dad around interferring even though sole charge!

[vstressednanny]

hi all

i just need a snippet of advice.....I started my job about 3.5 months ago, its sole charge with a baby under 1yr, take my DS 50% of time. was told parents out at work but less than once per wk they would work from home.

so far i havent had a week totally alone! baby is anxious if parents around, cries, tries to follow and generally is at the age where they get separation anxiety anyway, sleep patterns are changing, food habits changing and they get to know they can refuse things and cry more if dont get own way!

i know its not mums fault but she has had a 2/3 wk period of being quite unwell, which meant she was home 100% and working when felt like it, dad also worked from home for 50% of that time. Now rewind to last wk, I had a conversation with them, baby was having a particularly off day, crying an at that point mum appeared to "run" upstairs as she needed to put something away in babys room! mum hates her crying...
Cue a stressed me crying and asking her if we can talk once I returned, I was off out to music class, mum seemed shocked and said ok.

had the talk i told her that her keep popping in and being around so much was making it impossible for me to work effectivly with DD, i feel as though she doesnt trust me, i said i feel the job isnt working out as SC, far too much input from them when around, essentially she agreed she couldnt work with her boss around in the same way and understood where i was coming from, thats all after praising me, she tells everyone i am a great fit and do wonderful things, hardworker etc. The negatives - I dont put veggies in reselable bags when I use them, I do too much washing (1 load if that a wk!) and dont keep the kitchen exactly the way she likes it!!...cast your mind back to those really hot days we had a couple of wks back, she came up at bath time, apparrently the bath was too cold..i made it tepid as it had been such a hot sticky day!

the last staw, mum been away for 48 hrs this wk, returned yesterday at early evening...i got a text just b4 midnight (i was asleep!) saying sorry but she forgot to tell me im not needed so early today, 11am i get a lie in, i appreciate that, but a few things, already had plans with her dd and my ds (now cancelled) im on ww, left my breakfast there as too early to eat at mine, im on medication which i need 30/60 mins prior to breakfast, nothing else in house as trying to be good..so medication now delayed.i left my ds train and track there, his big garage - his 2 fav toys, cue upset ds this morning as he has no train or garage here! im not ungreatful but bearing in mind our conversation about sc and her being around,there appears to be no real concept of her decision and how it affects me and also ds.

think another talk is in order...i have been poorly this wk as a result of the stress i have been under (the dad has been home twice this wk!), im so on edge and cant relax with them around,they always asking what you doing, i do this way not that etc, hence the medication, the text really confirmed the reasons y i find this hard.

i have 18yrs exp but arrggghhh!!!
thanks guys
x

It isn't working is it?

Maybe another job is the answer?

I can't really see that she's done anything wrong

I have never used a nanny though, so possibly I am just clueless. Do you really expect the parents to ignore their crying baby when they are at home because you are rostered on as the sole carer??

sorry yes, sc is just that sc!! othrwise the baby will learn that if they cry when mum around, she comes running..its not sobbing, in pain..just a whingy cry because i was changing a nappy!
the whole point of sc is that i can deal with this, baby is fine, just being sensative, they have to get used to others doing things slightly diffrently.
they also seem to have misinformed me about how often they work at home, i dont mind parents around once in a blue moon, its their house but interferring is too much!
sorry toddle!

I am with you on this one,I went on another thread where the mother was popping up when the child was playing up but that was an Au Pair who had only been there ten days I was with the mum on that one.You are a nanny with eighteen years experience and would be expected to be able to cope with a crying baby,that is after all what they pay you for.I think these parents should realise that their baby would probably be happier being able to get used to you without them keep popping in.Toddlerama ,usually parents who are home would ignore their child ,knowing we are there to comfort the child,if the children have hurt themselves I would go up and tell the parent at home what has happened .I do think though that you have here parents who probably have never had a nanny [Or employed anyone before ]and to hear your baby crying would automatically send them off to check that their baby is ok.Experienced employers soon learn ,[after two or three nannies have left] that there is a nice way to tell us we are not doing certain things as they would like,She does seem a little picky to me ,my boss is so pleased any time Ive done the washing ,yours should be glad that you are doing it .At twelve o clock at night most nannies I know would be in bed ,Apart from Blondes maybe,I would not have seen the message and would have gone off to work as usual.An experienced boss would often ask if you had arranged anything for the day.Speak to her again before she loses you.Ask her how she is feeling and does she know when she is going back to work,why is DB home as well ,he hasnt been ill.They hired you as sole charge and at the moment you are not .

They are the parents! Ultimately it is up to them to decide how they want their child to be cared for. Even though you have lots of experience as a nanny, the parents have the ultimate say in anything to do with their child. Of course if the mother is home she wants to see her child and go to her when she cries, that is completely natural - it would be unnatural if she didn't. Now what might be the case is that the job is turning out differently from what you expected at the start - the parents are home more often than you expected and give you more input than you expected, and if you don't get along with the parents when they are home, that is a problem. And imagine what would happen if they were to have a 2nd DC and mum was home on maternity leave. Would you get along with her then and like your job? Maybe it's not the right job for you - sounds like the parents are more hands-on here than what you are used to.

It's their child, sure, but it seems they that are thinking about themselves more than the child.

I just think you're not compatible with them, the criticism she offered you was petty and I would try to find a family to nanny for that have had a nanny before, 1st time nanny families are so difficult, they don't have boundaries and don't always understand the subtle things that put pressure on the nanny esp. feeling like you're not trusted. Good luck I feel your pain

As employer who does work at home I generally leave nanny to get on with it (go in office and stay there except at lunch). That said dd is older so less crying- I am about to go on ml with no 2 so will be more involved with crying baby . However I know that this can be an issue so will agree a day plan with nanny so she knows what her sc role is (ie I might be there but if she is lookin after baby she deals with it and If me I do).

I think the role needs discussing as if it isn't sc that needs spelling out. How has it worked in previous jobs when parents around?

The Criticisms are petty (re veg) so handled that wrong . And late text annoying but I know I can forget to tell nanny stuff sometimes.

But if it is stressing you this much maybe another role is better. You have enough experience to know what suits.

What pinkpeony said. It is their child, it's natural to want to comfort him- you, as an adult in a caring profession, should be able to dominate your emotions and work in a way that fits with your employers' parenting style. If you cannot, then it is time to change jobs.
I am often surprised at how many nannies seem to think, at least on fora such as these, that they run the show and the parents are interfering. In any other job, the boss/company calls the shots and if you don't like it you leave. Why should it be different for nannies?

FWIIW, we do have a nanny and I work from home-in the study all the time except for lunch. I leave nanny to get on with it but also ask for things to be done in a certain way etc- same as I do with my team at work. It is called "managing", not interfering.
Sorry, probably a bit harshly worded, but you need to know how others see it.

I'd look for a new job, you're obviously not suited to any sort of role where the parents are around. I suspect your employers are feeling the same way.

I feel that you seem to view sole charge as meaning you are in full control all the time. Maybe you don't see it that way, but that's how it's coming across as I read it.

Your employers are in charge, even when they are not there. They are certainly in charge when they are physically present. Whilst you are responsible for the care of their child, if parents are around it's natural for them to be wanting to do some things. Their work commitments may prevent that but I find that parents will try to use some of the time with their child/children - such as doing the school run, doing bathtime, giving a feed.

I suspect it is very hard to convey what it's like at the house when you and a parent is around. Writing on here may not give every reader the same impression and thus some may see it as being a big issue and others will not.

Maybe what you need to do is look at how you can make the most of the situation. If a parent wants to take over, let them. Gives you some time to catch up with another task - like putting the washing on but you say that doesn't happen that much (wait till they have 3 or 4 children, wash loads will go on several times a day).

Is the medication you are on due to the stress of the job? If so then I would see that as being a sign that something is going badly wrong with you. Look at everything in your life, not just the job. See if you can pinpoint what is causing whatever it is (stress?) that you are needing the medication to help. Relax, as you know from your experience with children, if you are stressed the children react to that. So try to chill out a bit, have relaxing music on, may help relax you and the baby.

I had a similar problem (i have no where near as much experience as you but that wasn't really the issue)
I think its best to talk again to them, although yes she is he mum and whatnot she is paying you and trusting you to look after her child, at the end of the day her being there is likely to only make her more anxious because she will hear every whimper or tantrum or whatever.
I think you should just say look i don;t feel comfortable and that you can't give the child all of your skills that you have, and use all the experience you have gained to its full potential because you feel like they are watching you.
At the end of the day if its something she doesn't want to hear then it probably isn't the right family to be working for, and you should just think that maybe there is another family that will benefit from your services a bit better. Good luck, hope it all works out vstressednanny

hi all!

firstly thanks for all your input, much appreciated!
I just wanted to clarify that when I took the role on I was assured that parents wouldnt be around, they would be "out" at their company office to work, I was very clear that I dont mind them working from home if they keep them self to them self and not interfer with our day. Its quite nice to have an adult to talk to every now and then!
I think a sole charge nanny is just that, on a daily basis it is my duty to make sure that the baby is looked after, attends age appropriate activites, maintains a good routine and is happy!
Mum isnt worried about clean clothes every five mins and most get worn until they are either grubby or smelly.
I also had the conversation that its ok for them to say hi and just pop in for a couple of mins, so the little one gets used to it. There is a difference to this and asking why the baby is unhappy when i say no or leave the room, I am not the type to have her in my arms all the while and to ask every time or pick her up when i leave the room - whats going to happen when its just me and baby?!!
Nick - there is very often nothing for me to do, I dont need to clean, washing I get told off if i do and its not a full load, with 1 baby and not wearing many clothes it takes ages! I have batched cooked upto date, bedroom/clothes all sorted and tidy, toys tidy (she only has 2 small boxes)
Its highly unlikely they will have another child, dad has others from another marriage so doesnt want more.
As for my stress levels...I actually have a medical condition as the result of having my DS, it comes and goes depending on how "life" is at this time.Funnily enough I do have music on to break the silence but as they work from home, they are always asking me to be quiet as they on calls! (hard to keep a 3yr old boy quiet all day, unfair of them to ask!)
They leave a generous kitty, happy for me to have lunch at Costa if I fancy a change etc, so good in that way.
I just dont feel they have been totally honest about the amont of time they are at home and how they would like it to work when they are.
When my DS was a yr old, I worked as a mothers help, had a fab time, because they were truthful, the job met my expectations and we are now very good friends even though i dont work there...so i am capable of working as a team when needed!

just one other point, my DS toys and food was at work rather than dragging it all out to the car and back again in the morning, seems pointless as normally he gets straight up and into the car for work...hence I had orgainsed what I needed ahead of time and left at work. Not a lot to ask is it...for notice of change in hrs, routine or anything else?Oh to top things off, call first thing asking me to go in again asap........they needed some stuff from my car....grrr I could have left that too, had I of known!!!

thanks guys
x

Two things strike me in your recent post that make me think time to move on. Firstly there is clearly a difference in style (eg your approach on crying child v theirs ). It does sound like there is room for discusson and adjustment there.
The second is that the thing re sc reads as if you aren't an employee - you are. As others have said you Re being employed and parents set rules. Within reason they can move boundaries on what you do/how you work (just like my employer can). If you dont want to work this way then the job isn't for you.

This really isn't the job for you on many levels, but mostly you and your employers have fundamentally different ideas on childcare and bringing your DS and him having to be quiet is a strain because they WFH.

You are coming across as very inflexible. It might be the result of you being at the end of your tether but if you're there then,again, this job isn't for you.

I was thinking that this just sounded like a bit of a mismatch bit did you seriously say that "I don't mind them working from home if they keep themselves to themselves"?

I think if I tried that attitude with ANY boss they would, quite rightly, tell me where to stick it and who was in charge! If that is seriously how you think I would say its definitely time to move on.

I have to agree with others that I don't think this role is right for you.

I work in a similar role. I have a parent who works from home full time and I bring my child to work with me. Admittedly I didn't feel it was made clear at interview that the parent would be working from home but I've adapted and it works. I've been with my current family nearly 2.5 years now. Parent does generally leave me to it but does like to be involved with the children if they can i.e. take them out for treats, do the school runs etc and it has happened without warning so upsetting my routine, or my ds, a bit. However, they are the parents and I am not. If they want to take the children out to lunch for a treat, or to soft play then that's entirely up to them.

We also run into the noise problem sometimes. My charges are older than yours (youngest is 4) and they do have moments where they would like nothing more than to run around the house shrieking! This causes problems because parent's work involves a lot of phonecalls and obviously the last thing you need is a small child screaming in the background. When we have days like this I find somewhere to go out. Obviously it would be more difficult for you because your charge is much younger and I expect you have stricter mealtimes and naps to consider. When my youngest charge still napped but the oldest was at school I would have some quiet time with my son. We would read some favourite books, do some drawing or sticking etc and catch up on things he would like to do.

I think what it comes down to is that as much as it would make my job much easier if I didn't have a parent working from home, or if they stayed completely separate from the children while I was working, it's not feasible for me to expect them to do that. They are the parents and it's a natural instinct to want to raise and care for your own children and I have no right interfering in that.

I'm working for someone that works from home for part of the day. I find it very difficult as the children act up to get his attention. Their behaviour is deliberately bad and I get indirectly blamed for it because I should have prevented it. I do think that parents that work from home don't really consider the confused mixed messages their children get because they are in the same home but rejecting their childrens attention. This must be particularly confusing for babies and I agree that it's unfair of the parents to interfere - not unfair to the nanny (I think she's not complaining for herself here) - but to the baby or child.

You need a role that is clear-cut and routine-based. They need someone who goes with the flow. Nothing will fundamentally change that.

It is simply not the role for you. I'd have a conversation along those lines with the mother, rather than both of you trying to twist and turn to make it work.

I am sure half the 'petty' things that she comes out with are simply because she can't explain to you why it doesn't feel right from her side, and some of the stuff you mention as being stressful don't come out very well when you write them down. At the heart of it thought she needs someone really laid back, and that's simply not you. Just as you need to know what you are doing, when. Some mums would kill for someone like you who is obviously racing round doing stuff and cooking and the like all day, but she's not that type, ands nothing will make her like that.

Hi all

Just an UPDATE

Well it seems that a lot of you think we arent suited...making me lol, they are great in lots of ways, had I of had an honest picture of their needs at the start, I would have still taken the job but with largely different expectations! I guess what I was trying to convey is why cant these parents be truthful at interview - saves so much stress etc.

I have now had a few days off as family is visiting and there just isnt room in the house for all of us, saying that, there would be nothing to do.

I am always happy to let the parents take charge and have quality time with their children, again I was more frustrated as they dont organise with me in advance, its mostly last minute. Its never fair when I keep letting my contacts/friends down as parents dont let me know what they are upto.

As for my medical condition, It appears to be something undiagnosed I have had for years, I am still having tests but will make sure that the mum knows I need a clear weekly picture of their plans so that I can plan my medication/diet.
Also my childcare, I only have a certain amount of support to cover an agreed amount of time as per my contract, which I cant organise if they keep changing my hrs at the last min! So I can go with the flow but they cant expect me to stick to certain contracted points if they change the goal posts.

Tareneth - My little man doesnt really sleep anymore, his meal times fit what ever my work routine is - he has to be totally flex to the needs of my work. The little one I look after is also quite flex, we have classes etc we do every wk but I try to be at home for one sleep in her own bed every day.
If I knew in advance that they were working from home, I would try and get my DS looked after so he doesnt disturb them - again I can only do this with notice, not midnight texts!

Thanks all, I shall see how it all goes when I return tomorrow.
Cheers
S x

"I was more frustrated as they dont organise with me in advance, its mostly last minute. Its never fair when I keep letting my contacts/friends down as parents dont let me know what they are upto"

It is standing there in front of your face and you don't see it. You need routine and organisation, they need laissez-faire and someone who bends in the wind.

All of the things you have said have wound you up would have been water off a ducks back to my nanny. She wouldn't have blinked an eyelid if I'd told her the bath water was too cold or that she needed to put things in bags in the fridge. And she wouldn't have batted an eyelid if I'd wandered in whilst she was working. It's not because she's a better nanny, and it's certainly not because I'm a better employer (hahahahaha), it's simply because we fit together so well. That's your problem, not the individual stuff.

And accusing her is concealing things in interview is frankly ludicrous. She sounds like just the sort of disorganised parent that I am. If she knew she was going to be at home she'd have no reason to say otherwise - why would she want to take on someone who would obviously be unhappy in the role given?

And if you would have taken the job anyway, why are you complaining that you have reached the last straw? What are you wanting to do from this point onwards?

hi squiffy

thanks for your post.....good question why - it was the only job I could get that allowed my DS to come, couldnt afford to be out of work and I have my own CM costs to pay. When you have that as an added pressure, sometimes its hard to see the wood from the trees!(as you well know im sure) I was looking for 6 months plus, got little or no help from agencies, limited budget so couldnt renew my childcare.co.uk membership...the list is endless!!
So I dont have much choice but to keep the lines of communication open, keep doing my job over and above my contracted duties and supporting the family as needed....thats me, hardworking and dont give up...I cant.....

cheers!

:)

Hi vstressed - how did it go?

I think this is about separation anxiety - of the mother. I suggest you wean her off by setting certain hours as no-go ones - this would set up the idea that she can leave you to it and nothing bad will happen - just as you do with a child. It must be very hard for a mother to leave her baby with someone they don't know.

But there's nothing worse than parents getting involved when they feel like it, it undermines the professional relationship. If you set certain hours where they can't intervene it might be better.

I agree with Squiffy, your bosses are just going with the flow. You seem to need a heck of a lot of structure and rules in your work environment, which you just are not going to get in this house.

I really feel you just need to suck it up and deal with it. You are very fortunate in this climate to have a position that allows you to take your child to work. In those circumstances you can't really be choosy as to the exact conditions of your position.

Also, don't forget that while you have had loads of experience as a nanny, they haven't had loads of experience either as parents, or as parents with a nanny. They are feeling their way here, they aren't necessarily sure of exactly what they want from a nanny or what the exact working conditions will be. If you had given it any thought you would have taken the time to suggest ways of dealing with things instead of just getting all frustrated.

Point out to them that their DC acts differently when they are around - how else will they know that?, explain the difficulty of no noise when they are working from home, and see if you can schedule 'out' times for when they would want to make calls, etc. If they feel you are doing too much washing, why do they feel that? You seem to think you're not, they think you are, you need to work out why there is a difference of opinion here.

Doing a quick load of wash, preparing some food, keeping the house ticking over is actually quite difficult for some people, having all these things happening at the same time just doesn't work for can just be too hard for them, if she's one of them then perhaps she thinks that you are neglecting her DC in order to get these jobs done, whereas for you it's just a matter of popping a load in while the DCs are playing with the puzzles, folding the washing up while they're resting, whipping up a quick meal while they're cooking.

The OPs boss has gone against the initial contract to work from home and keeps popping in to get involved with the baby - I think that was the issue that prompted her dissatisfaction. In many ways the parents are not allowing the nanny the control she needs in order to do a good job. I don't think you can 'go with the flow' in any job - clear lines need to be drawn.

I don't know tbh, I'm new to this, but I'd like to know if in all your years experience how things have worked out best - does nanny ever get treated like a professional or is she always treated like someone who should be grateful for a job!