mum/dad around interferring even though sole charge!

[vstressednanny]

hi all

i just need a snippet of advice.....I started my job about 3.5 months ago, its sole charge with a baby under 1yr, take my DS 50% of time. was told parents out at work but less than once per wk they would work from home.

so far i havent had a week totally alone! baby is anxious if parents around, cries, tries to follow and generally is at the age where they get separation anxiety anyway, sleep patterns are changing, food habits changing and they get to know they can refuse things and cry more if dont get own way!

i know its not mums fault but she has had a 2/3 wk period of being quite unwell, which meant she was home 100% and working when felt like it, dad also worked from home for 50% of that time. Now rewind to last wk, I had a conversation with them, baby was having a particularly off day, crying an at that point mum appeared to "run" upstairs as she needed to put something away in babys room! mum hates her crying...
Cue a stressed me crying and asking her if we can talk once I returned, I was off out to music class, mum seemed shocked and said ok.

had the talk i told her that her keep popping in and being around so much was making it impossible for me to work effectivly with DD, i feel as though she doesnt trust me, i said i feel the job isnt working out as SC, far too much input from them when around, essentially she agreed she couldnt work with her boss around in the same way and understood where i was coming from, thats all after praising me, she tells everyone i am a great fit and do wonderful things, hardworker etc. The negatives - I dont put veggies in reselable bags when I use them, I do too much washing (1 load if that a wk!) and dont keep the kitchen exactly the way she likes it!!...cast your mind back to those really hot days we had a couple of wks back, she came up at bath time, apparrently the bath was too cold..i made it tepid as it had been such a hot sticky day!

the last staw, mum been away for 48 hrs this wk, returned yesterday at early evening...i got a text just b4 midnight (i was asleep!) saying sorry but she forgot to tell me im not needed so early today, 11am i get a lie in, i appreciate that, but a few things, already had plans with her dd and my ds (now cancelled) im on ww, left my breakfast there as too early to eat at mine, im on medication which i need 30/60 mins prior to breakfast, nothing else in house as trying to be good..so medication now delayed.i left my ds train and track there, his big garage - his 2 fav toys, cue upset ds this morning as he has no train or garage here! im not ungreatful but bearing in mind our conversation about sc and her being around,there appears to be no real concept of her decision and how it affects me and also ds.

think another talk is in order...i have been poorly this wk as a result of the stress i have been under (the dad has been home twice this wk!), im so on edge and cant relax with them around,they always asking what you doing, i do this way not that etc, hence the medication, the text really confirmed the reasons y i find this hard.

i have 18yrs exp but arrggghhh!!!
thanks guys
x

Yes, those things might have prompted her dissatisfaction, but she surely has a myriad of ways of dealing with the situation rather than just getting all stressed out and 'crying' because the mum finds it difficult to handle her child crying.

I'd have been bloody shocked too if my nanny cried at that!! (Although granted I wouldn't have just run off like that myself...).

But I don't think she's handling it all that well, and realistically having her own child makes her far less employable so she has no choice but to be flexible. There seems to be more nannies than nanny positions at the moment.

She may be a professional, but she is working in someone's home and looking after their child. Some parents find that awkward, especially, to begin with. They just don't really know how to handle it and what to do. They thought they were being helpful by allowing her to have a lie in. How were they to know that actually it made things more difficult for her? She should have just txt back and said 'actually I need to be there first thing in the morning anyway as I have my medication and DS's things for the morning at your house'.

Sorry, notnanny, but I disagree with your post. It is the parents house, the parents' child and the parent's employee. They determine the way in which the relationship works and the nanny either likes it or lumps it. It is not for the nanny to dictate that there will be no changes to the routine or whatever, but it is for the nanny to decide if she is being treated well, and if she likes the mix, or whether she should move on.

The fact that the parents run their own business is hugely relavent here. In our house it's the same. My nanny never knows if she'll be working for 3 hours or 6 when she arrives - it changes from day to day and we can never predict when our clients will need us. The variability happens to suit her down to the ground because she lives on a sailing boat and when the weather is right she knows she can call up and ask to skip work for a few days to take the boat out. She'd hate a structured environment and I simply can't provide one anyway.

My nanny, by the way, would be quite shocked if anyone suggested she wasn't treated 'professionally'. She is. She is well paid, we agree the kids routine together and she knows how much we respect her. She just simply operates in a flexible world.

The only reason I'm harping on on this thread is because I think there's a risk that the OP will continue to think that the job is tough because the mum is doing all the wrong things. That's just not the case, and I think there is a risk that the OP will feel 'put upon' and 'hard done by' and this will show. And if that happens then the parents could easily get fed up themselves and get rid (which they can do easily because she has only been there 3 months). There is no blame, just incompatibility, and the nanny needs to accept this because it will make life much easier. I am sure that it must be very frustrating to have the mum 'popping in' when trying to look after the baby, but if that's what the mum wants to do then there's bugger all that can be done about it other than accept it.

Personally, I also believe the OP should keep an eye out for another job, and move as soon as she finds one.

hi not nanny!!

thanks for your input - thats exactly what I meant, they arent sticking to the contract but expect me to even though they change the goal posts and making it very complicated.

as for "just sucking it up"....I appreciate I am lucky to have a job at the mo but nether the less, I still expect to be treated with respect and professionally! After all if you took a PA job but find your just the a "general dogs body"...you would say something...as you would if any role didnt meet the expectations that were set up at interview and in signing the contract!
Chitchatt...i think the "and realistically having her own child makes her far less employable so she has no choice but to be flexible" is a bit of a blinkered attitiude...everyone has a choice and its wrong to be taken advantage of just because I have a child!
Showing your emotions isnt a bad thing either...its not like I had been there a day, we are talking 2/3 months of talking, setting boundaries, only for them to break them, being flex by changing day hrs for babysitting, doing a bit of their washing. Also I dont do any of my "jobs" whilst the little one is awake, only when she sleeps. I can wait 2 weeks for a full load of washing from the baby, I like to change her bed sheets and towels once per wk, her bed bunny gets changed every 2 days as she sucks it so smells awful! So its hard to always wait, so I do go and get some of their washing to make up a load, we dont have enough bunnies to go 2 wks!
Maybe it was a bit of PMT, who knows, but we are all human and sometimes without warning we can have a bad day! Maybe also that I do care about the children I look after, I just want to be good at my job and not be micro managed!

So Im back today and things seem ok, mums out at work the gps out for the day, other gp at home waiting to go home, dads working from home, im home as I need to do some tests at the drs but have the baby with me.

Lets see what happens...im no quitter, routine can be flex, not set in stone...i just like to do my job 100% and help the child(ren) in my care become the well behaved, all round person and thirve in their life! Not a bad thing ehh...

xx

So what have you done to make things better then?

I'm not saying they are easy employers, in fact they're probably not. But..... the way you deal with it can make the world of difference.

And actually, having your own child making you less employable is a fact, actually, not blinkered, and certainly not taking advantage of someone. Sure you have a choice as to whether to take a job or not. But if you reduce the number of nannying jobs either that are suitable, or are willing to hire you (regardless of how well you could do the job) then clearly you have less choice in the type of jobs you apply for.

hi squiffy!!

just a note, they dont run their own business and I dont believe I said they do! Their job is flex so they can choose if they work in the office or at home.

I never said the mum was doing things wrong...she can be overbearing at times, is a little tense about her little one getting the correct diet, correct development oppourtunities and classes and takes a lot of energy to re assure that the baby is fine!

wow...that is ultra flex, your very lucky you can both accomodate in both your favours, that said flex can be given in different ways, as I try with this position and all I have done in the last 18yrs!
I am guiding mum as much as I can with food, routine, toys, sleeps, food...eveything! She does tend to read a lot of books, even down to what games to play with your little one. I try and take the lead when needed and normally its easy to sense how mum feels about a change...we discuss it and give it a try, if it doesnt suit we go back to the drawing board.

I came here to have a gripe that all wasnt as expected and to get some perspective, not realising that the majority think I should move on, well Im not going to just yet...will see how I feel week to week.

I may have the decision taken out of my hands if my tests arent positive...but lets hope not!

nothing has changed with them, I havent had any other conversations thus far...these will be days when they get on with their job and I do mine!

cheers all!!!

reading these threads I am amazed that any one could be a nanny or employ one unless they were full time out of the house and the nanny had sole charge. it must take massive give and take on both sides..

what i mean is that everyone has different approaches to parenting and style and it must be like treding on egg shells to be a parent and stand back if your child is crying and allow nanny to deal or as a nanny being frustrated at trying to set rules or a routine but find it frustrated by a parent popping up and changing things..nightmare for all.

i know how mindees can change in an instant from happy, sensible, settled little angels into tearing mad around the house, breaking all rules devils as soon as parents appear.

kisd sense dissent between adults caring for them and manipulate.

if I were you op I would quit, you dont see eye to eye and both you, parents and more importantly the child need carers to be on the same page and to actually get on.

Squiffy it's just as well your nanny lives on a sailing boat - with those unpredictable hours she wouldn't be able to commit to a proper rent or mortgage! You can't just say that the nanny has to put up with everything the parent throws at them - that may have been OK in the Victorian era, but workers have rights these days - respect costs nothing.

My nanny is sole charge but I would be shocked if her attitude would be to say I was interfering if I did go to my kids if they were crying etc. I work full time and recently had a baby - now 4 months and have been home. My nanny flexes around us that day - I might want to spend more time with the older dxs (7 and 5) or decide to have baba for day and go somewhere. Or I might say have a bit of a day off and go to gym if you want. If it didn't suit her plans, she wouldn't think twice about saying "actually, we have x playdate today or I was thinking of doing x. And I wouldn't think twice about saying "oh ok then".
Also nanny seems to think reading all these books re weaning, stimulating kids etc is not helpful. She is a parent - of course she's interested! Having a nanny doesn't mean a parent would defer to her judgement - sole charge or not!
There is no way a parent will not feel a dissatisfied nanny and I think this might be a fit issue. A first time parent will take a bit longer to pull the trigger because she will be nervous of upsetting routine and going back to drawing board but she may well arrive at that conclusion.
Our nanny has been with us five years.

vstressednanny, You have been given some excellent advice from mums on this thread, you know. I think you should take it on board. You are coming across as a little uncompromising, superior, narrow-minded, judgmental and immature. You really aren't coming across as an experienced nanny and mum. I am not saying that you are any of those things, and obviously your feelings are being heightened by the situation you're in, but thats how you're coming across. And I wouldn't be surprosed if thats how you're coming across to your employer.

notnanny, I couldn't agree more with Squiffy. Its not wise to judge when you have no idea of the facts!

Blimey.

Well we have a nanny and I'm at home sometimes.

I don't like to get involved because it's not fair on DS and I'm paying his nanny to look after him. If he hurts himself, I won't come running because I trust my nanny to sort him out (he's 2).

As for flexibility - well I like to give her notice because changes in plans again aren't fair on DS or his nanny.

And I set out from the beginning what I like her do wrt chores etc.

It sounds like the OPs bosses are a bit nervous about the arrangements - I think the comments about "not fitting" with you are spot on. They might have been better off with someone who was less experienced (we took this option as knew we'd be able to say what we wanted instead of telling someone who's more likely to have their own ideas).

I think it was more to do with what you said about the size of it that got you deleted!!!

Oh Dear! I think you are just not compatable, I was once asked at interview; By a first time mum what a nanny actually did! I answered "I expect to do everything for the child that the mother would do without taking the mothers place" I also asked her if she was good at her job? and she said yes! I answered " that caring for children was my job and yes, I was good at it". I was hired and had a long happy working relationship with a family who I still count as freinds

I don't have a problem with parents being around so long as they accept that they have hired me to care for the child and treat me with the same respect as I treat them with.

The little boy I care for at the moments is sunny and rarely a problem but on the rare occasions that mum or dad are home throws tantrums and becomes a different child, Parents realise this and keep a low profile.

Having said this I do think you and this family are not compatable. The parents obviously don't respect you and they obviously don't have a clue what sole charge is. They may be your bosses but that doesn't mean it's okay to move the goalpost without consultation. and yes, some of their negatives do sound petty but it's probably because they feel it's not working and aren't quite sure how to handle the situation.

It's not that nannies think they run the show but more that if mum or dad are around the child/children it can undermine the nanny and confuse the child. I have worked successfuly with parents at home but they have been wise enough to set boundaries

Oh, dear. I got deleted again. I expect I won't be getting a christmas card from notnanny either.