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Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Au pair struggling/sick/homesick

49 replies

BelladiMamma · 04/06/2011 19:12

Hello - advice please experienced ap employers!
This is our first ap, she is Aussie and arrived mid Feb. I cut back work hours for first 2 weeks to help her settle and did an intense handover/training period.
After a couple of weeks' hand holding she seemed to get on ok with duties, is good with our children, met some friends, joined a gym, generally got on with it.
However, 2 weeks later she had a sort of unexplained blip, I managed to get her going again by hand holding a bit, making sure she was ok socially, checking she wasn't homesick.
Same thing happened again a few weeks later, but this time it was a tummy thing, and she was ill for 3 days, then a bit below par/low energy for a day or two after. Took her a while to get started again after this though, so I had a good chat with her, made sure she was ok with her duties etc.
So, all went well for a couple of weeks then ... Same again. She has been in bed for half of half term which we are spending in Spain. The mystery tummy complaint has come back and on Monday when we back in the UK I am taking her to doctor's. So will be cutting back on hours again. She also announced that she is taking hols before children break up from school on a week I am very busy at work. DH and I felt we didn't want to deprive her of chance to travel with friends so have agreed to it.
Conclusion - I don't know what to do - cut my losses or try to get things started a 4th time?

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TheOriginalFAB · 04/06/2011 19:15

I was an au pair at 19 and went to Belgium. I was thinking what the hell have I done within an hour of getting there. I looked out of the window and felt I was trapped and immediately counted the weeks until I went home for Christmas. Then I got on with it. I got no hand holding, had no real clue what my duties were and had to be told to clean the house after a few weeks of being there.

My advice would be to talk to her and give her a no blame get out card. See if she takes it. If not, make it clear that you can't keep taking time off, doing her job for her, whatever what you want to phrase it and say you will reassess in 4 weeks time.

Original poster
BelladiMamma · 04/06/2011 19:31

Good advice. I think clear boundaries are important and four weeks seems fair. Thank you.

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TheOriginalFAB · 04/06/2011 19:37

No worries. Hope it goes okay.

Original poster
BelladiMamma · 04/06/2011 20:15

Bump
Anyone have an opinion on what I shod be doing re pay if she needs more time off?

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TheOriginalFAB · 04/06/2011 20:38

What is in your contract?

Holiday pay? Sick pay? Unpaid leave?

Original poster
BelladiMamma · 04/06/2011 21:39

4 weeks paid hol per annum, like a nanny contract ie two weeks her choice two weeks our choice. In the event she is taking four weeks in one go in July - not our choice but we felt bad she would have to travel alone otherwise.
Nothing re sick pay, just a request to let us know the night before if possible if she's not feeling well.

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ConstantlyCooking · 04/06/2011 21:55

She will be taking all her paid hol within the first half of the year. This means she will be tired and prob fed up during the next six months, esp as she has been unsettled. You need to talk to her.
How old is she?
With younger au pairs, I have sometimes asked how they are in "mum mode" rather than in employer mode. One AP was homesick and had felt guilty about letting us down, but I was able to reassure her that we would rather set an earlier date for her to go home and for her to enjoy the experience. Once we did this she was much happier and I had plenty of time to find someone new. Maybe ask if she would like to go back after her holiday (and negotiate regarding the holiday pay).
One thought does she have severe PMT/periods? She might be too embarrassed to say.

Original poster
BelladiMamma · 04/06/2011 22:15

Good point re hols but like I said this is when her friends are travelling.
I asked her in mum mode whether it was her periods and she says no, just has a bad day with it then is OK IYSWIM.
I am trying to keep in mum mode with her when I speak to her about all of this. A little thin on sympathy today, so I have delegated to DH and come on here to chat.

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Original poster
BelladiMamma · 04/06/2011 22:16

She is 21

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frakyouveryverymuch · 05/06/2011 06:51

I suspect she needs a 2 pronged approach.

  1. Looking after her welfare and checking she's in decent shape, taking her to the doctor etc. It may be the change on diet which is upsetting her stomach.
  1. Pointing out she's signed a contract and is here to do a job. She has no entitlement to full pay if she's sick and depending how much she's paid she may not get SSP either. It's unlikely that she would qualify tbh. The holidays she plans go take are inconvenient for you and you try to be accommodating but you're relying on her so of she doesn't feel up to it then you need to know.

I think Fab's 4 week suggestion is a good one, making it clear you won't blame her, you just need to know.

Original poster
BelladiMamma · 05/06/2011 07:03

Hi
Had just posted a response but lost it - here goes to reconstruct it -
My thoughts are:
Monday - cut my hours and take AP to docs etc
Tuesday - put DD in nursery
Weds - ask AP to struggle thru as this is a massive work day for me, DCs are at schol and nursery
Thurs and fri I can cope
Put her on partial pay and have a chat which offers welfare/support and no blame get out, but also clear guidelines on what needs to be improved and by when for her to stay.

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Original poster
BelladiMamma · 05/06/2011 07:06

She is on £110 pw for 35 hours I think I should stop the direct debit and pay her a per diem rate for days she does work. We have been very generous win paying for flights etc so hope this isn't too harsh. Fwiw I think she is genuine just below par and doesn't look after herself.

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Original poster
BelladiMamma · 05/06/2011 07:07

With paying ... Typo sorry! It's early!

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Original poster
BelladiMamma · 05/06/2011 07:09

And thank you for your suggestions frakyou

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Original poster
BelladiMamma · 05/06/2011 12:55

Bump
I am slightly choked today as she has got out of her bed made effort to put make up on etc and come out to buy presents for her family but refuses to it. So I am feeling v suspicious that it may be an eating disorder. Thinking back, when she hasn't been obliged to eat with us or kids she doesn't eat and then gets low energy. Or maybe she has had a tummy problem all along. I don't know anymore! I thought the french girls were the ones with food probs and that normally Aussies were a bit more outdoorsy etc.
Anyway, big chat tomorrow after she has been to the doctors. We have had a nightmare with childcare since our lively nanny of 3 years quit for another baby job. Aaargh just all so frustrating.

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Original poster
BelladiMamma · 05/06/2011 12:56

Sorry refuses to eat

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Original poster
BelladiMamma · 05/06/2011 12:58

Lovely nanny
Learn how to spell woman !

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fifi25 · 05/06/2011 13:02

Got no experience with nannys but it sounds like you are taking care of her. I think you should cut your losses and look for someone else.

garlicbutter · 05/06/2011 13:15

It sounds like the doctor visit is a priority.

I was also a flaky au pair, aged 18-20. I felt very confused and ... displaced might be the word. Clarity on my duties was very important, some families didn't seem to know what it takes to keep their own household running!

The other HUGE thing was feeling cared about. When, as a student, you sign up to the programme, the emphasis is all on enhancing your education and family life. The au pair is supposed to be an honorary big sister to the kids, NOT an 'employee'. When it works, it's a fantastic transition into adulthood and adds a rewarding dimension to the family's life.

Obviously some 'big sisters' need more nurturing, whilst others can go a little too far on the independence scale! They're just young, though, it's often their first extended time away from home and they need parenting. One French family got the nurturing balance so right, I'd go back today if they wanted a middle-aged au pair Grin

garlicbutter · 05/06/2011 13:18

Sorry, didn't see the bit about the ex-nanny. Maybe you need a full-on nanny instead of a transitional teenager?

frakyouveryverymuch · 05/06/2011 16:26

Garlic APs now are employees but obviously emotionally speaking a world away from nannies.

I don't know the thresholds off the top of my head but £110 should be eligible for SSP (you can reclaim even though you're under the limit for paying NI contributions AFAIK).

garlicbutter · 05/06/2011 16:44

Ahhh ... Both very useful, thanks :)

Original poster
BelladiMamma · 05/06/2011 21:06

I don't think I need a nanny as our's left because there wasn't enough for her to do ... I work term times, 3 days pw, DS is in school til 4pm, DD is in nursery 3 days. AP tops and tails, babysits, helps around house. It can be 35 hours because she lives in, nanny would only be 20 max.

I will take stock once the GP visit has happened. It is quite possible she has something underlying that needs treated.

But ... all that was eaten today was a choc bar, despite me offering to make her anything she fancied. She disappeared at every mealtime, claiming to feel sick again. Reappeared to ask if she could babysit for the neighbours' this week having completely forgotten she needs to take tomorrow off because she hasn't been feeling well.

Anyway, am keeping an open mind ... but only up to a certain point.

Garlic butter am very pleased you had a good experience. I am hoping that either I will sort this one out or I will try with another AP, if I can face it.

I think Constantly has hit the nail on the head, when she suggests that it should be a good experience all round and if it needs to be a shorter one, so be it.

Bonne nuit a toutes.

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garlicbutter · 05/06/2011 21:45

Bonne nuit, bonne chance :) I think you're right; all you can do is attempt to take care of her and set understood boundaries, for when enough is enough.

You sound like a good employer (rare enough in English families, I'm sorry to say.) If your current ap's problems turn out to be incompatible with the job, I'm sure you'll handle it compassionately and hopeful that your next will be a more gratifying experience!

mranchovy · 05/06/2011 22:55

So by the middle of July when she finishes her four weeks holiday, she will have been here and paid and housed for five months, and with holiday, sickness and lots of bank holidays will have worked for how many days? And you paid her air fare - from Australia.

As others have said, it is a long stretch to Christmas with just August bank holiday left - there is no way on current form that she is going perform satisfactorily in that period.

Now I usually post on here urging people to be sympathetic to their au pairs and treat them fairly, but it sounds like you are already doing plenty of that. Although it is possible that there is something medically wrong, it is also possible that she is immature and homesick and lazy. It is also possible that she is taking you for a ride. If you want to keep an open mind, fine, but I think you also need to plan how and when you are going to cut your losses.