Au pair struggling/sick/homesick

[BelladiMamma]

Hello - advice please experienced ap employers!
This is our first ap, she is Aussie and arrived mid Feb. I cut back work hours for first 2 weeks to help her settle and did an intense handover/training period.
After a couple of weeks' hand holding she seemed to get on ok with duties, is good with our children, met some friends, joined a gym, generally got on with it.
However, 2 weeks later she had a sort of unexplained blip, I managed to get her going again by hand holding a bit, making sure she was ok socially, checking she wasn't homesick.
Same thing happened again a few weeks later, but this time it was a tummy thing, and she was ill for 3 days, then a bit below par/low energy for a day or two after. Took her a while to get started again after this though, so I had a good chat with her, made sure she was ok with her duties etc.
So, all went well for a couple of weeks then ... Same again. She has been in bed for half of half term which we are spending in Spain. The mystery tummy complaint has come back and on Monday when we back in the UK I am taking her to doctor's. So will be cutting back on hours again. She also announced that she is taking hols before children break up from school on a week I am very busy at work. DH and I felt we didn't want to deprive her of chance to travel with friends so have agreed to it.
Conclusion - I don't know what to do - cut my losses or try to get things started a 4th time?

She's not eating. And, when she eats, she's sick. She's got a problem - physically, psychologically/emotionally, or both. Morally, you can't just ditch a young person who's thousands of expensive miles from home and has problems, purely because she doesn't meet your needs. You have responsibilities: human if not contractual. I think OP's approach is both humane and practical.

To be perfectly honest, IME, the AP's who really want to be APs always either pay for their travel here themselves or agree for the cost to be taken out of their wages. I walk away form those who want their flight paid on the very biased view that if they haven't the oomph to get here under their own steam then they haven't the oomph to deal with the job.

My old APs are mostly still poor students but when they come to visit the children I usually have to fight to give them money toward their flights.

I hope you get this sorted out as you need to feel you can concentrate on work as well. You sound as if you have been doing your best and you are being really considerate (eg the holidays) and taking time off to help her. I think the distance from home might not help your AP if she is homesick as she knows she can't go home for a weekend. I do have some friends who can't eat when they feel depressed or stressed as their stomachs become too sensitive - see what the gp suggests.
On the positive side - we are still in touch with our 2 younger au pairs (including the one who left early) and I am gaining useful teen experience for when DCs are older! Also we had lots of reponses from English-speaking au pairs when we advertised on Gumtree at Easter.

OK. Doc thinks AP may have coeliac and needs to monitor her for a month. Putting her on medication as of today.

By the way, I have reread my post and your's and I didn't pay full value of flight, just incremental extra cash each month "towards" her flight, but which in reality gets spent at Top Shop.

I now need to get my head round coeliacs.

Oh, and DD has a fev er and swolen glands.

B*ggery doodaas. What a mess.

I feel for you OP. At one point we had a nanny who had two serious medical conditions (undisclosed when we hired her.) Had significant time off but thankfully was a fixed contract. Nightmare all around.

Coelics seems to require a certain amount of discipline in managing the food you eat in order to stay well and it's going to require some maturity on the part of your AP to deal with this. I thought it was mostly dealt with through diet. What sort of medication is she on? Full disclosure: my only experience of this is my god daughter who has to be very very careful about what she eats. A small portion of 'banned' foods makes her quite sick. Maybe there are different degrees.

You won't be able to MAKE your AP follow the doctor's advice. She may well jump on it and all will be rosy. But I guess what I'm thinking is that if you don't see evidence she is taking the recommendations seriously enough to be able to function in the role she was brought over to do I would be reviewing the situation. I still think a four week review is in order.

Harriet TBH, I don't know if she'll follow it. On her good days she seems really together, on her bad days, you need to remind her what the time is / what day it is / to take her front door keys out with her.

I have just spoken to the very sensible lady at the agency and they suggested a gentle "time to go home" chat tonight, while she's signed off.

I think you won't regret that decision. Does she have a return ticket?

Yes she does. Thank you, Harriet.

I will talk to her as soon as the kids are in bed.

DD has been throwing up now as well.

Had to rearrange a key business meeting.

DH will come home early and work on the Blackberry from the scout hut!

It sounds a bit like our former nanny who had suspected Coeliacs. As it turned out it was more of an intolerance which was controllable with watching what she ate, and not overdoing it with wheat products. In the initial stage she was given medicine to get her reaction under control. But she was so flaming useless that she kept eating toast and pasta when hungry as they were 'simple' meals to prepare. (Painful just remembering the sagas!!!)

TBH, if she doesn't show some proactivity in getting this dealt with then sending her home is the right thing to do. You're not her mother, so you have no right to gently bully her as a family member might do.

Gluten free food can get very expensive, too. Unless you cook everything from scratch, the gluten free options cost a packet more (from memory the soy sauce was about 3 or 4 times the price of the normal one!)

Chitchat, I don't think she has a huge amount of self discipline as she lacks in get up and go ... which I think is the vicious circle of having had this and getting over tired ... and a bit homesick.

I can't gently bully her, I have told her that she must get a square meal down her before she can start work again (hasn't eaten since Weds) ... anyway I shall tell you all how the chat goes tonight.

there's more going on here than coeliacs if she hasn't eaten since Weds.

Still, it's the right decision to move her on. You just don't need it, it's not like you're taking a stand after a couple of weeks, she's been here long enough for you to take a reasonable view as to whether the disruption is liekly to be temporary or not.

If she does have coeliacs or just an intolerance, the pain when eating can be intense, Harriet - my nanny used to be doubled up in pain from it. But I agree with you, it's more than just the pain here. Hope it goes as well as possible Bella.

Chitchat, Harriet, thanks for ongoing support.

Before I speak to her - I assume that she is going to want to stay here and stick it out til her holiday (as yet not bought tickets but "arranged") which starts on 5 July. Oh and I just happen to be co-organising an event in London on the 6th, and which requires me to leave the house at 7am ...

Actually, given that she is aware of the event, I shall tell her that I need someone to start soon so that they can get settled in enough time for the 6th and can I have her room back please? As nicely and humanely as possible.

She was much more relaxed tonight. Came and had some veg with me & DC, then told me over dinner that she had emailed her Dad who had told her all his family are coeliacs. Apparently her parents were advised to get her tested but they never did.

Bloody hell, she sounds as proactive as her parents!!! Not a good sign.

You have absolutely no obligation to let her stay through her holidays if she's not working for you. Although I suspect she will want somewhere to leave her luggage as if she flew in from Australia for what was to be an extended stay she probably brought a lot of stuff with her and won't want to cart it around with her. Totally up to you if you will let her.

To get a working Visa, you need to show that you have enough money in your account to live on your own for awhile, so unless she's fibbed and her parents temporarily put money in her account she should have enough funds to live on her own for a bit.

Ah, ChitChat, I didn't realise that. I wondered why on earth she spent so much money every w/e when she was supposed to be doing this big Kontiki.

I too am somewhat bemused / stunned by her parents not testing her.

But then, being half French, my children are always medically tres looked after, as of course, being half French, I am a hypochondriac. :)

Yes, assuming she came under the Youth Mobility Scheme she would have had to show them a bank account in her name with the equivalent of £1,600 in it.

You'll be lucky to get somebody worthwhile in within a month though. Beware of the agency, they are often at their worst (which is saying a lot!) in this kind of situation.

OK. Thanks MrA, I feel less guilty now. Shall have chat and revert to y'all.

Likely to use agency and AP world to find replacement.

Wish me luck.

I have to confess I am curious about the outcome as this could happen to any of us...in the case of our nanny her health problems were pretty serious and I'm sure if we'd chosen to pursue it her consultant's notes would ahve given enough evidence to show the job was not suitable for her.

Coelics is interesting, given that it IS controllable with the right sort of effort. I've just realised - you can't give her four wks notice, as she's off then isn't she?

It sounds like this may ahve been an issue before she arrived in the UK?

What did the agency say to say?

I think I would find myself telling her, we can't offer effectively anotehr settling in period while you work see if the doctor's advice works, then an additional four week holiday, then another restart when she's back in August as it's just too disruptive. If she wants to stay and finish out her time she needs to postpone her holiday until later in the year.

I'll shut up now.

Agency thought she needed to be with her family as she has a chronic condition. She has also shown signs of being homesick frequently. And has needed rebooted every fortnight, IYSWIM. Er, and is taking her annual holiday allocation less than half way thru the year. Er, and is run down and not able to cope with the DC at all the moment - even tho she admits they are very well behaved etc, she doesn't have the stamina.
So, I'll keep you posted.

you've made the right decision I'm sure. good luck.

Er, that was easy.

Parents want her home too.

I have cancelled the standing order, she'll do babysitting for bed and board only. Will let me know in 24 hours when she's leaving.

Phew.

Well done, this is probably the best outcome for her in the circumstances. And I did forget to say last time - good luck with the replacement

That experience sounded horrendous. Hope you sorted out another au pair. I have just had the first week with mine. Not easy!

We did get another au pair for the summer - a lovely Austrian girl who was polar opposite to her predecessor the Australian. In between we had 2 temp nannies. Then in September our former nanny rejoined us ? so all's well that ends well ? and despite the expense I really don't want to have to recruit again for a long time. Cross fingers my self-employment continues to progress!