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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

My 'non smoker' au pair isn't a non smoker after all

34 replies

MrsMopple · 12/05/2011 10:23

A bit of background. My current au pair arrived last week. He had put that he was a non smoker on his form, but then told me that he felt that coming to england was a good chance to stop smoking and that he hadn't craved a cigarette since he'd been here. He's now been out socially a few times, which is great, but has been smoking.

Earlier this week he came to me one evening to ask if he could smoke outside and although we had put 'no' to this on our application forms, I agreed, saying that once the children were in bed I supposed that it was ok. The following day (one of his days off) he approached me at about 5 pm to say he was going outside for a cigarette and I said that I wasn't happy about it, so he pulled a bit of a sulky face and said he wouldn't, then.

So yesterday, I sat down with him and explained that we and the children like him, but that the smoking is a real issue, as if we had known he was a smoker, we would not have considered him. He couldn't understand what the problem was, and said surely on his free day he could smoke outside if the children weren't around? I said again that I wasn't very happy about it. I also said that he had put that he was a non smoker on his form and he gave a sort of 'so what?' shrug. The trouble is, there is now a definite atmosphere in the house and I'm angry, but I'm not really sure why. Maybe this should be in AIBU?, but I would appreciate other peoples views on this situation as I really need to get over it if this au pair is going to work out. I think I am most upset by his complete lack of respect for my opinion when I was telling him why I was upset - he said 'BUt I came to ask you, because I wanted to be honest about it' which is true, but then if he'd been honest on his form, we wouldn;t be in this situation now! I HATE confrontations!

OP posts:

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harrietthespook · 12/05/2011 10:31

Nope you are definitely not being unreasonable. He lied on his form to you and doesn't think it's a big deal - I would not be happy about this. Smoking and kids do NOT go together!!!

For me this situation wouldn't work and I would be looking for someone else.

HuckingFell · 12/05/2011 10:33

bin him. He lied, he is hoping that you will overlook it if you don't he will think you are unreasonable.

JosieRosie · 12/05/2011 10:33

I think you are being unreasonable OP, if I'm honest. It sounds like he had quit smoking at the time he applied for the job, but has since had a relapse. It happens. It doesn't sound like he's smoking around the children so I don't understand why it's an issue. I think it would be a shame to let this issue get in the way of what seems to be an otherwise good working relationship

scurryfunge · 12/05/2011 10:34

If he continues to smoke, it can never work (unless he showers, cleans his teeth and changes his clothes after every ciggie and before he goes near your children).

I would find someone else.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 12/05/2011 10:35

No, not BU. He lied on his form and is now making you out to be the bad guy because he's been found out, doesn't really matter what the issue is although I agree with you on the smoking.

DuelingFanjo · 12/05/2011 10:35

find someone else. You probably shouldn't have given him mixed messages though.

Original poster

MrsMopple · 12/05/2011 10:42

I agree about the mixed messages and as an ex smoker, I understand how hard it is to quit. I suppose the problem is that I feel a bit that I gave an inch (ok if outside once the children are in bed) and he's pushed it by then wanting to go out in the evening, and soon in the mornings too, no doubt!

Josie - He hadn't actually quit when he applied, he told me that his last cig was before he got on the plane to come here. I realise that he might not have realised how hard it would be to stop smoking, and I also said about patches etc, but he said he wanted to smoke on his days off, so not interested.

OP posts:

breatheslowly · 12/05/2011 10:43

Definitely get rid. Lying on application forms is a no-no, no matter what it is about. And, not meaning to concern you, can you really trust him not to have lied about other things?

SenoritaViva · 12/05/2011 10:44

I wouldn't be happy now because I think the trust has been broken down. He doesn't see, nor respect your point of view and I believe he will no longer be open and honest about it. You will be suspicious of him and it will make it more awkward. More than anything, I think your relationship has broken down and he doesn't sound mature enough to fix it.

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 12/05/2011 10:50

For me, the major problem would not be the smoking.

It would be the attitude.

sulky face, shrugging at you, arguing with you?

Those are things that would make me ask him to leave.

Novstar · 12/05/2011 11:10

He lied to you, and then he is acting as if you're the one being unreasonable. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It's your house, so whether or not he smokes around the house or garden (regardless of what the kids are doing) should be your call. Even if you manage to resolve this smoking issue, I am sure you'll come up with another issue sooner or later, given his disrespectful attitude.

elliott · 12/05/2011 11:23

I think you've been straight with him, but now you have to be clear about what you expect. Personally I'd explain again that the smoking issue is very important to you, and if he can't quit completely, he will need to move on. I imagine he just can't really understand why its a big issue - which in itself suggests you won't be able to trust him about this.

MrsKwazii · 12/05/2011 11:28

Yes, he came to ask you, and you said no. End of. There shouldn't be an issue here.

It's obvious that having a non-smoking au pair is very important for you and you have let him know this. He also applied for the job knowing this. He shouldn't have the hump now that you are redrawing a line that was already obviously there.

I'd offer him help again - Local GP and/or big pharmacy could advise on smoking cessation - but if I got more attitude, would start looking for another au pair. Shame.

Strix · 12/05/2011 11:59

YANBU

I would say there is no smoking on my property, anywhere during contracted working hours, and at any time when my children can see you.

Being an au pair is more that being an employee in a workplace. He is part of your home and family life and the things he does off duty will influence your children as much as what he does when he is on duty. If he is not prepared to live up to reasonable expectations of a role model for young children, he has no business being an au pair.

I also agree with comments about sulkiness. No on.. and would not be tolerated on my watch.

I think you need to draw a line in the sand loud and clear. Take contron in no uncertain terms and if he doesn't like it, show him the door. You will be very miserable if you let him boss you around.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 12/05/2011 12:09

Get rid. He lied on his form, refuses to see why this a problem (I mean you have to wonder what else he has lied about - he clearly doesn't feel any guilt about it!) and has an attitude problem towards you.
You don't need the hassle.

Lizcat · 12/05/2011 12:59

As with others this is a deal breaker for me. What does your contract say? It is such a deal breaker for me I have smoking as an immediate termination of employment in my contract.

Chandon · 12/05/2011 13:01

sorry, but I don't like his attitude and his lies.

confuseddotcodotuk · 13/05/2011 17:05

I don't think you're being unreasonable, like the others said, he lied. I done the same thing when I became a live-in by putting non-smoker on my form when I did smoke, however I did quit the minute they picked me up and lasted most of the year I was there without a cigarette. If he was serious about working with kids he'd stop because he'd know how it effects them.

If he's good otherwise, see if he knows about the electric cigarettes, they have been a life-saver for me, I'm having two real ones a day atm and relying on my electric cigarette which is great and harmless to others around you.

maidbloke · 13/05/2011 23:46

YANBU. He lied in his application form and he seems disinterested in your views on his habits. He's taking advantage of your good nature. He'd have to be fabulous in all other respects of his childcare for me to overlook his screw-you attitude.

Original poster

MrsMopple · 14/05/2011 08:43

confused - we spoke about smoking, as he said he found that he craved a cig when he was on the computer and I suggested the inhalator type things, but he said that as he wanted to smoke when he was out and when he went back home, he wasn't interested in using any NRT to try to properly stop.

I have decided to ask him to leave next week. I have felt that there is an atmosphere in the house, so much so that I spent Thursday and Friday out with the children to avoid being alone in the house with him, which I realise is ridiculous! He's not fabulous, or I might try and work through it. The smoking has become the secondary issue to his attitude, which I am still upset over.

But I'm now dreading telling him, as it'll make the atmosphere a whole lot worse until he leaves!

OP posts:

confuseddotcodotuk · 14/05/2011 09:03

MrsMopple: that's just silly of him :/ But I do see where he's coming from, I felt the same way, the only reason I ended up with an electric ciggi was because a housemate of mine brought one near Christmas last year and I tried it, I wouldn't have been convinced otherwise.

I hope you find somebody to replace him who is caring and without an attitude! It's sad that you've gotten to the point where you aren't comfortable in your own home because of him :(

maidbloke · 14/05/2011 09:31

as it'll make the atmosphere a whole lot worse until he leaves!

Yep, but in the long run it sounds like you're better off without him. As you imply, an aupair is there to help out - not someone you need to avoid...

We had to get rid of an aupair once, we all sat down and very calmly and matter-of-factly went through what we weren't happy with and why we wanted her to go. Luckily she was perfectly reasonable and we let her stay until she found another family.

Good luck

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/05/2011 14:04

he lied to you and then gets stroppy

thought to be fair, if he wanted to smoke on his day off, he can and not need ask your permission, just as you can sack him

MGMidget · 15/05/2011 21:08

He lied to get a job working with children because he knew that if he declared he was a smoker he would have trouble finding an au pair job. He was hoping once he had settled into the job he could gradually bend the rules. Although its a shame I would probably get rid before he gets too settled and the children get to like him too much.

BeerTricksPotter · 15/05/2011 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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