My 'non smoker' au pair isn't a non smoker after all

[MrsMopple]

A bit of background. My current au pair arrived last week. He had put that he was a non smoker on his form, but then told me that he felt that coming to england was a good chance to stop smoking and that he hadn't craved a cigarette since he'd been here. He's now been out socially a few times, which is great, but has been smoking.

Earlier this week he came to me one evening to ask if he could smoke outside and although we had put 'no' to this on our application forms, I agreed, saying that once the children were in bed I supposed that it was ok. The following day (one of his days off) he approached me at about 5 pm to say he was going outside for a cigarette and I said that I wasn't happy about it, so he pulled a bit of a sulky face and said he wouldn't, then.

So yesterday, I sat down with him and explained that we and the children like him, but that the smoking is a real issue, as if we had known he was a smoker, we would not have considered him. He couldn't understand what the problem was, and said surely on his free day he could smoke outside if the children weren't around? I said again that I wasn't very happy about it. I also said that he had put that he was a non smoker on his form and he gave a sort of 'so what?' shrug. The trouble is, there is now a definite atmosphere in the house and I'm angry, but I'm not really sure why. Maybe this should be in AIBU?, but I would appreciate other peoples views on this situation as I really need to get over it if this au pair is going to work out. I think I am most upset by his complete lack of respect for my opinion when I was telling him why I was upset - he said 'BUt I came to ask you, because I wanted to be honest about it' which is true, but then if he'd been honest on his form, we wouldn;t be in this situation now! I HATE confrontations!

Unfortunately this is all too common, to date about 50% of my non-smokers have actually been non-smokers. Part of the problem is that some agencies and advisors tell applicants to put down non-smoker and then deal with it when they get there.

Where I have found out that we have a smoker then it is no where near the house and no where near the kids.

My contract also specifies that lying on your application and associate AP questionaire constitutes Gross Misconduct and can be subject to instant dismissal.

I finally spoke to my au pair about this yesterday morning and said that unfortunately I didn't think the situation was working for us and that he would have to leave. He looked sad, but not surprised and had nothing to say in return - he didn't say he'd try harder to stop smoking or anything like that, so I think he knew it was coming. I knew he was cross about my request and thought I was being unreasonable saying he had to wait until the children were in bed, so perhaps he was relieved! I do think that if I hadn't been strict on this one, he would have pushed more boundaries as time went on and because he was meant to be here long term I think that asking him to go was the only option really.

Of course after the initial awfulness of it all we got talking properly again and have been getting on like a house on fire! But he is going back to his country of origin at the end of the week and has found some work to start there next week. I'm actually feeling quite sad about him leaving. But best for both parties in the long term, I think (I hope!) Thanks for the advice and opinions.

He probably had all intention of stopping smoking when he filled in the application form but his resolve to quit is obviously faltering. It's a struggle to quit smoking and in many cases it takes several attempts to quit altogether. I know this from personal experience.

However, smoking is a deal breaker for me. I do not like anyone smoking in my house, outside my house and in the garden. I always smell it on people's clothes and if someone has gone out to the pub and smoked then returned to my house I can smell it.

If the au pair was mine then the fact that he is still smoking (even though he is trying to quit) would be the end of the line for me. I would not want him to be near my children. The fact that he also became sulky etc would also piss me off. I would ask him to leave as per contract.

OP, I see he's leaving. Good. Ignore my post. .

Well done for doing that, it isn't a pleasant thing for anyone, but I think it was the right thing to do. You seem remarkably calm but I am sure it is causing you a lot of stress too - hope you find someone else soon.

Hmmm, DIOM technically I don't think an action prior to commencement of employment can be called Gross Misconduct, however if you state that being a non-smoker is a requirement of the job during the application process (and also in the contract) and the applicant falsely states that he meets this requirement, this is grounds for summary dismissal (ie without notice or pay in lieu).

I agree, you should let him go.

Problem is you've probably paid agency fees /deposit already for say 3 or 6 months ? For this guy, so if you let him go, depending on the agency you may or may not get a refund.

I'd advice ringing the agency ASAP, to say au air lied on form so you can get a refund before time runs out (some won't refund after 10days!) or they can replace him with another au pair at no additional cost.

You are probably required to give him notice as well, either way you've got to move fast.

Looks like he's already going/gone ? You can ignore my post. Hope you find a better one soon.

"He's not fabulous, or I might try and work through it"

This and the atmosphere is what really is at the heart of the matter.

We have had niggles with our current aupair. Iin fact the first one wasn't too disimilar to the situation you describe. Our aupair had put down non-smoker in her form. I then sw pictures of her smoking on facebook before she arrived. I just mentioned smoking in an email and she came clean saying that just like your aupair she was trying to give up. I took the stance that I appreciated her honesty and would rather we know, but that she shouldn't smoke around the kids. I felt by making it an issue she would smoke in secret (like I used to as a teenager). Our aupair didn;t give up, smokes outside, not while she's in sole charge of the kids, but must smoke about 15 a day.

I accept this and other niggles because she's a lovely girl and a fantastic aupair.

If he's sulky and a rubbish aupair- then that's the reason for him to leave