CM takes daughter on playdates to people I don't know - advice please

[LuckyC]

Hi there - advice please!

First child, 10mo daughter, so no experience of what childminders do as normal.

Very happy with the CM.

She has now started to take my baby with her on playdates to the houses of people I don't know. Sometimes, I only find out where they have been that day in my daughter's daily diary. This is making me feel very uncomfortable.

It's not the outings per se - it's not knowing what environment my daughter's in, with who and where she is at any given time.

I am going to chat to CM about this today but does anyone have any advice? Is this normal if you are a CM?

Thanks.

Bramshott - my sister's friend used to live round the corner from us but we both worked FT and so didn't really see one another much. We bumped into one another in Homebase once and were very surprised at how friendly our DC were with one another. It was only when I went to party at her house and her nanny was there too that we found out that our children were quite good friends at playgroup together :o

I loved that :)

LadyBiscuit - clearly it comes down to personal choice, and if parents consider they would be "pissed off" by being kept informed, they would choose not to be told, but clearly some parents might prefer a 'veto' on some activities, or visiting some people, for reasons they may wish to keep private.

Also, it seems, in this day and age, that being more accountable rather than less and 'covering your back' (against lawsuits etc) is part of the culture, so being open about your activities seems not that unreasonable.

Yes, Tanith, I am out of date, but only because I don't cross-question my sister about her job every year (we don't see one another that often, to be fair) and while she's now some centre manager, I'm not going to try to invent a job title and nor do I know her exact responsibilities, nor those of the staff under her, but in earlier years she did visit CMs in their homes to assess them at intervals, and would no doubt still be up-to-date on what the LA might expect of them. She trained and worked as a nanny and after marriage and having her own children, went from doing that to working in Social Services. What it might be called now, and how her job has changed, I cannot answer, and right now, don't think I'll bother her, either.

I think CM is great and as you say, Aboard, I am sure she is weighing up decisions.

LadyBiscuit, Bramshott, argh, no, I want to know her friends.

I remember when I first started back to work leaving ds with a child minder how completely weird it felt when she told me what she had done with him taht day - ie visiting friends, toddler groups etc. Up to that point he had only been places with me and ow he was meeting people I didn't even know! It felt so strange and that I was no longer the main person in his life. However, I learned to appreciate that a good chidlminder introduces her charges to all sorts of different experiences - and that includes meeting new people. AS long as you are being informed (and you are!) then I would relax.

But you're not going to know all her friends if she's with a CM. There will be children she plays with at playgroup or the library or whatever.

NetworkGuy - my CM is running a business. It's totally unreasonable of her to check with all her mindees' parents every time she wants to leave the house.

I really think some people are a bit confused about the difference between a nanny (who is an employee) and a CM (who is providing a service).

Having said all that, I do understand the anxiety around leaving a child for the first time, especially when they're non verbal. But that's just something all working parents have to go through.

perfectly normal as a cm or as a nanny, and she is telling you by writing in diary - no point in her saying the same thing to every parents as they pick their child up - thats the whole point of diary's

as a nanny, my mb lets me do what i want, as she TRUSTS me and my judgement - if we are out at beach/park i often send pics to her and db but i would never text to say we are going there iyswim

both are busy with their jobs and neither would want to me to ask them every time i went out - i said at the interview that im a very sociable nanny and go out to places/see people/have people over etc and both (as all my other employers) have said wonderful - they want their children to see other children etc

OK, I take your point. I expressed myself badly - I really mean that I would like to have some knowledge about the environment she is in and the people she is with.

I think that this is a perfectly reasonable request, actually, having thought about it after having read all your comments. Again, I think CM is brilliant and I have not felt anxious about leaving DD with her at all - except in this one area. (This is partly because I know DD struggles in groups - and I want to make sure extra effort goes into making sure she feels secure - she needs lots of gentle socialisation.)

CM provides a service, yes, but within parameters agreed by me, as the parent of the child she is minding. I don't just dump DD there and take off. It's a specialised service, in that she is helping me raise a child, and can't be compared to eg a plumber - specialised set of circumstances. My ideas have to have some influence.

I guess good open communication is the key. Part of building a relationship with a CM.

I am sure that CM is taking that into consideration Lucky - and tbh I often find playdates alot quieter easier for the shy-er children than toddler groups or activitiy sessions.

So what are you going to do Lucky?

CM provides a service, yes, but within parameters agreed by me, as the parent of the child she is minding. I don't just dump DD there and take off. It's a specialised service, in that she is helping me raise a child, and can't be compared to eg a plumber - specialised set of circumstances. My ideas have to have some influence

i thought as a cm is se, they can decide what to do/where to go - obviously if you as a parent dont like that, then you would cancel the contract and give notice, as the cm has other children to consider

if you want total control over what your dc does/where they go etc then you need a nanny and be an employer :)

Networkguy, since Social Services have had nothing to do with Childminders for the last 10 years, I think your decision not to ask your sister is a wise one. Any information she could give you would have little relevance today.

Lucky, I think you're well within your rights to ask about where the CM takes your DC. otherwise it would play on your mind. I'm sure she'll be happy to answer your queries. This is your child!

Thats exactly what i was going to say Blondes! - c/m has to consider ALL the parents requirements. If they decide to do something different to what was originally suggested to parent, they can and then inform parent at end of day. Most parents are more than happy with that.

Grabaspoon - TBH I am just going to chat to CM today at pick-up - explain I am feeling anxious about it, ask that if they plan a playdate outing that day CM tells me on drop-off. I think CM probably will just playdate with a few people, and so I will build up a little mental library of information about these people, so that she can say 'We're off to see X today' and I will be able to think 'Oh, X, two kids, DD loves the littlest kid'. I will also explain I am anxious about DD's anxiety and ask for more info about how she is coping with groups.

Will be fine, as CM very good and understanding.

Blondes - I disagree! If CM is doing something I don't like, I think perfectly reasonable to try and have a discussion and amend the way things are done, or come to a compromise, or ask for more information. It's more complicated and relative than just 'Right well I am cancelling contract' or 'I am SE and will do whatever I want'. IMO, it's about being reasonable on both sides rather than wanting total control.

It would be perfectly reasonable to ask the CM at drop off what her plans are for that day, but you can't really expect updates if they change during the day.

Also, if the CM says she's going to do X and you say no, what do you expect to happen? CM is unlikely to change plans just to suit you.

LuckyC, childminders look after children from more than one family. You don't have the right to dictate and control to the extent you seem to wish to do.

A little while ago, a parent came to interview who didn't want us to take her child on longer outings and days our. If we'd agreed, that would have placed limits on the experiences and enjoyment of the other chlldren. We refused to accommodate her and she went elsewhere.

I agree with Blondes.

Agreed

Lucky Say you have 6 parents

1 wants a child to attend local sing and sign as the child is deaf
1 wants a child to go to toddler groups
1 doesn't want their child to attend toddler groups
1 wants a child to have a nap at home in a cot at the time toddler groups are on
1 has a child who will only sleep in a pushchair and whilst out and about
1 wants their child to attend the local toddler group at the local school as that is the school/nursery the children will attend

Which parent do you go with? As long as the children are within the correct ratio, always with the CM and she makes sure they are her priority, there really is no issue - is there?

'You don't have the right to dictate and control to the extent you seem to wish to do.'

How is asking for information about where my child is going to be 'dictating or controlling'?

My CM regularly takes my DD (21 months - she's been with CM since she was 4 months old) to friends houses or toddler groups. I think it's great because I don't tend to do that at weekends when I have her with me so I love that she's socialising through the week. This actually resulted in DD being invited to her first birthday party at a nearby Softplay centre and I was thrilled!

Today CM had a GP appointment so asked me last week if it was OK that her DSis looks after my DD (and her other two mindees) in the GP surgery while she goes in with the GP.

DD is my only DC so I too have no other experience with CMs. But if you are concerned, raise your concerns and maybe just ask to be made aware of where the CM will be taking your child that day. I really don't think there's a reason to be worried. I have a good friend who is a CM and virtually every day meets up with other CMs at the park or the zoo. It's great for the DCs I think.

Grabaspoon - are you a CM, out of interest?

(To explain - it's just that I am interested to hear CM's views on it too.)

Blondes - I disagree! If CM is doing something I don't like, I think perfectly reasonable to try and have a discussion and amend the way things are done, or come to a compromise, or ask for more information

yes of course you can have a chat/discuss it, but if the cm says no, she wants to go there for her other charges needs then what happens - you dont want her to go/she does - so there is no compromise as she has to fit in the needs of all her children :)

fwiw, yes the cm could say im seeing blondes today who has 3 under 8, so least you know - but again plans change - i was going to spend this am in playing , building train tracks etc, but was so lovely and sunny, that i went to the park instead with my charge

i think its nice for children to go to other houses/groups and play with other new exciting toys and children

LuckyC - if your DC needs gentle socialisation then perhaps that is why your CM is taking her to a friend's house, as that'd be much quieter than a busy toddler drop in.

'I would like to have some knowledge about the environment she is in and the people she is with. ' - you can ask her to give you a list of places she goes its likely to be toddler group, library, park, playdates... possibly also zoo? farm? - depends whats nearby.

I usually tell parents if we are going somewhere special (like the zoo) as its a big day trip and they may need special clothes. I also usually text parents during the day to let them know how their child is doing and may well mention where we've been within that context (i.e. x enjoyed playing with the y at the children's centre this morning) but I could not check with parents beforehand about what we're doing as plans evolve during the day. Perhaps you could ask if your CM could text you?

Sometimes parents have met my friends (often but not exclusively CMs and nannies) when they've collected their children, but I wouldn't deliberately arrange this.

No I'm a nanny Lucky - I did mention that in a previous post :) However my charges socialise with children who are cared for by childminders.

LuckyC, you're not just asking for information if you believe that your CM should work within parameters set by you and that you should try and amend her way of working if you don't agree with it.

we've used cm's and employed two nannies. tbh, i employ either to care for my children, socialise them, and look after them whilst i am at work.

i've interviewed them, trust them, and read the daily notes on what they've been up to. i would be horrified at the level of micro-management by parent if i was the cm... i wouldn't dream of interviewing the cm (or the nanny fwiw) about her friends. i wouldn't want a cm to have to sit and text 6 different lots of parents every time she wanted to feed the ducks either. i'd rather she concentrated on looking after the children than keeping parents micro-informed about their pfb's whereabouts. nurserycam, perhaps? trackable gps on the phone so you know where they are at every minute?

if you don't trust her, get a new cm. if you do, let her get on with her job. i would only ever get involved at this level if a child came home (eg) smelling of smoke or similar.