Possible problems with nanny - a gut feeling that won't go away

[puttingmyfingeronit]

I'm a name changer and having difficulties with our nanny. If you have had a nanny who didn't seem to click with your child - nothing nasty or concrete, just a lack of laughing, physical play and overt affection - what would you do? I'm concerned that our nanny is not bonding with one of my children. She has been with us for months so it is not just newness.

Lack of laughing? Do you want a nanny who laughs all the time?

This child she isn't bonding with... male or female and how old? Has there always been an issue, or was it ok to start with then went bad over time?

Has the child in question said anything about not liking the nanny?

No, I mean laughing together, like friends.

Child is 4, a girl. I think there has always been an issue, but in the beginning I thought it was a question of getting to know each other. I think our nanny is perfectly affectionate with my other child (a ve cute baby), but not with the one in question.
It's really hard to put my finger on this - today I was at home and DD was playing alone while the nanny sat at a distance and watched. In itself not an issue, but I have rarely seen them play together.

DD hasn't said too much, but she behaves in quite an extreme way around this nanny (tantrums etc) which are not the norm. I'm not sure, at 4, whether she can articulate why she is angry, but I worry that maybe she feels left out...

One of my dd's friends at school has a baby brother and I felt that the nanny (who is the loveliest person in the world) would rather be with the baby, rather than my dd's friend. I guess because she was always asking my dd over so they could play together, giving her more time to focus on the baby.

Which is absolutely understandable, but I know what you mean about the feeling. Wonder if nannies by nature (not all) tend to prefer babies ...

Has the nanny been with you prior to the baby?

New baby plus someone else taking your place (they had your undivided attention for how long - such as did you take a lot of maternity leave?) will result in a child feeling rather left out.

Have you pointed out to the nanny that they are employed to care for BOTH children, not just to hold the baby?

How much contact time is there on a typical day between the nanny and your DD? As age 4, she may be at school.

What are the typical things that nanny does with the children, for example does your nanny take them out to places, swimming, toddler groups, visiting friends of your DD?

I nanny for a baby (4mths), 3yr old and 6yr old. Yesterday I spent time with 3yr old whilst baby took a nap... we charged around the garden, 3yr did some bouncing on the trampoline, did some digging and watering in the garden (I suggested we should plant some strawberries soon - think it's about the time of year to do that), and did some drawing/colouring.

Babies can be quite demanding at times but when they are not being demanding, then that time should be spent as much as possible with the older child. Is your nanny not doing that?

I think that your gut feeling counts for allot! As a professional nanny she should be finding ways to build strong bonds with both children.

Does she focus on building this bond by doing one-to-one activities and having fun with your dd during baby's nap times?

Your dd is at a fantastic age for the nanny to be doing lots of fun things with here - there should be laughing and affection. Also, if you are noticing that your dd behaviour is different with the nanny, it would suggest that she needs to change her approach.

I'd sit down and chat with the nanny about your concerns. Maybe make some suggestions of how she can improve and then monitor the situation. If you are still not happy with the improvement, maybe she isn't the right match?!

Good luck,
Sally x

I would raise your concerns with nanny and ask her whether she thinks there's a problem and what she's doing about it.

Don't blame your nanny though - it can be easy for a chat like that to turn into a confrontation or for your nanny to feel got at for not instantly bonding. First you need to establish whether she's aware of the problem you perceive. Secondly, having made her aware, you need to work out what she can do about it.

There are several things which might be causing the issue. If your 4yo is at school then nanny may only see her for limited times, which can easily be taken up with boring daily necessities. If your nanny started as you went back from ML after the baby was born the triple whammy of new sibling plus no mummy plus new nanny may have been a bit much for her and that's affecting how she interacts with nanny. Is your DD a naturally happy, affectionate, physical child? If that's not your DD's natural personality you can't expect her relationship with the nanny to be like that. On the other hand your baby may enjoy the laughter and cuddles. Or there might be an issue with the nanny who isn't trying.

Has she worked with 4 year olds before? What were her references like with older children compared to how she was with babies?

When I was in my first nanny job (a fair few years ago now) the parents did have a meeting and discuss that I was treating the older child differently then the younger three.

He was three when I started with him and I did find it hard to bond with him (the younger two were three and fifteen months). I was not nasty to him but been newly out of cottage perhaps did not have the ways to work out how to bond with him also maybe not the time. I was with the family for four years and when I left it was ok with the older child but I still did not have the same relationship with him as I did with the other children. I'm glad the parents did bring it up with me, they bought it up after I'd been there nearly two years at the time.

One thing I felt though was that the parents spent more time with the older child so I overcompensated with the younger ones.

Its really hard to find teh right balance and best just to talk about it.

Today I was at home and DD was playing alone while the nanny sat at a distance and watched

and she didnt talk/play with your 4yr at all ?

im all for children learning to play by theirselves but the above does seem a tad weird

To answer the question whether nannies prefer babies-I am a nanny and I prefer babies when it comes to cuddles and kisses :o. And that is because my 2.5yr old charges push me away ;o. Other than that I love working with babies and toddlers, they are different and that brings a lot into the job. To bond with a 4yr old can be difficult and will take time, in my previous job it took me a good 10 month before I could say I found the same wavelength. Persistence and patience, and a lot of effort can help, it's hard work but once there is a breakthrough than the relationship is very special between nanny and child.

Thanks. These answers are really helpful for me in formulating what I am thinking.

I think it is right that the nanny does prefer the baby. It's sort of understandable - the baby is both cute and very very easy. And my older child is at school, so there is less time together but I have made it clear that my DD1 needs as much (and in some ways more) attention/interaction as the baby. It isn't just about attention though, is it? I suppose I expect our nanny to engage with my children and to appear to genuinely like them. And I am not sure she does, at least not with DD1.

I have some other concerns (esp discipline), although I'm not going to go into them there here because you'll be reading forever. Essentially I think this is "just" a personality thing. I think children need rough and tumble, jokes, tickling, activities. Our nanny is very reserved and doesn't take the intiative much (I need to be very prescriptive for her to take the kids to activities). I think, unfortunately, that she may just not be the right nanny for us... And while if the nanny worked for me in another capacity (at my work, say) I would train her up to try to improve things I am not sure I want this situation to go on any longer or if it is even possible to correct. I think my DD sees that our nanny isn't terribly taken with her, and I don't think that can be a nice feeling when you are only 4.

Awww OP that's really sad. No, life is too short. Give your Nanny her notice and find someone who gets on with your DD1. Really hope it works out for you; a mother knows best

A nanny who does not use their own initiative I feel is a big problem. You need someone who will react to whatever is thrown at them... who will adapt to the situation in which they find themselves. Plans are often changed due to children wanting to do something different - I've found some great places to visit purely down to the children playing with a particular toy in the morning and I've said - shall we try to find a real helicopter, real submarine, real castle etc.

If something goes wrong at home, you want your nanny to use their initiative, not just to call you. If the sewer gets blocked and there is poo beginning to float around the garden, then you want your nanny to do something about that, not leave it for you to deal with upon your return (by that time having to wade through sewage to get to the front door).

It's time for a review meeting with your nanny. Let them know what is working well and what is not. Let them consider if the job is really for them or not. Consider if you will continue on a probationary period, or if things can't be fixed and thus you will give them notice to leave.

Agreed. Not looking forward to it though. And there will have to be a carefully worded reference when she does go. Like I say, I know the DCs are warm, clean, fed, and she's a nice girl but I think not for us. I need someone who interracts with my kids on their level and who gets that sometimes when a 4 year old has a strop it is because she is sad so ignoring her every time - disengaging further- is not always the right thing to do. Either those instincts/traits are there or they are not. Crap, I hate this part.

Lots of nannies prefer babies to small children, especially when they haven't know the small children since birth.

Boo hiss to the nanny

Chuck er

Although am astonished at anyone preferring babies - they are so boring. Four is when they get civilised and you can have a fab time.

Oh hullygully, you need to get in touch with your emotions a bit more . Babies are just amazing...

Dull dull dull. I thought I'd go mad.

Yes, because you are detached from your feelings. So sad

Are you quite mad?

Not remotely. I know you are though IPOAT

I had a lot of problems with a nanny recently and the nannies on here urged me to get rid of her. My main problems were around the fact she was feeding the dcs junk all the time but she also, after being initially warm when she wanted to impress me, was cold with them and showed no intitiative.

I sacked her and felt so much better immediately. The dcs who'd been being very tricky were transformed. Our new nanny is lovely, warm and energetic. Gut feeling counts for a lot.

OP, I could have written your post. I honestly could. And I have just got rid of mine and although it was AWFUL the time had come and I feel much better, much like Mrs. Shackleton. No initative = not good enough. Mine bonded with my older one but not the newest one. Get rid. only option.

Thanks all. I've been waiting to get back up childcare sorted but will be resolving this in the next week or so, and will be starting to look for someone new.

It is going to be hard, because honestly I don't think she realises how this is going to go (and I have personal experience of the current job market, which is no fun at all). I tend to correct as things go along rather than having regular appraisals and so I probably haven't been as clear as I could have been as to how serious some things are (a good lesson for next time).

I think we'll all be much better off with someone who comes from the same school of thought as me when it comes to kids. And our nanny might be happier with a different family whose ethos is closer to hers. Now I've made up my mind I am really looking forward to getting someone new.

When looking at CVs and interviewing people, what do you think you will do differently to what you did before?

I'm wondering how you will go about finding a better match.