not happy but not sure if I'm being precious.

[QuoteCode]

Long story short - ds is 3.9, been at his lovely bright busy caring nursery for a year but increasingly very anxious about leaving me. Last 4 months haven't been great, since Christmas terrible to the point of crying about it at weekends, when he wakes up, all the way there, hysterical when I leave him and although he calms down the staff tell me he is "fine" but they honestly can't say "happy".

Decided to take him out and find a CM as I think he would do better with much gentler environment, fewer children, more 1-on-1. However CMs where I live are few and far between but managed to find one near me with a vacancy. Popped over on Sat to meet her, wasn't entirely sure about the set up but she was very warm and friendly and nice with ds.

Today is first trial day. Her house smelt a bit of smoke, but not fresh smoke. Perhaps her DH smokes (he works out of home during the day). The main living room where the children are is very dark - one wall painted v dark brown, dark brown venetian blinds, down but slats open. Lights not on. Very grey rainy day today.

TV was on - we'd spoken about this on Sat and she said the TV went on after tea only. Today she said it was on because one of the mindees was a bit under the weather. It would be going off shortly, oh after Something Special, no actually after the thing with the dog because the other mindee liked that. (so it would be on for almost another hour in fact). She also said as it's ds's first day they might put a DVD on later. They probably wouldn't go out today because of the other mindee. It is wet but ds has wellies and a waterproof as well as his coat and gloves.

When I was leaving they were going to get some toys out for ds, she only had baby things out for the baby mindee. ds very upset to be left (but he always is, even with much loved gps.)

I've been out on an errand and I did do a detour past the house - TV was not on at 11am when I went past, but was on again at 11.25 when I went back.

I'm not happy about this, I am torn because this is my last option and I'm going to have to rethink work and training if I take him out and have him at home. So am I being precious or is this a bit poor?

QuoteCode - could you consider getting an Au Pair?

We're all "anonymous wotnots", including you Tanith, and none of us know OP so can only go on the info she gives and our own experience/thoughts. She asked for advice and mine is that if such a young lad gets hysterical leaving his mum then he needs to be with her. Not 24/7 - I suggested pre-school.

No need for OP (or you) to get snitty because I've dared to suggest on the CM board that she doesn't find another CM!

QC - playgroups will vary tremendously so you will need to shop around as much as you can. Some will have more structured sessions and others will be completely play based.

However, they should all be following the Early Years Foundation Stage.

Your best bet, if you can, is to find a couple and visit them and then, if time permits, maybe have a trial session and see which suits you and your son best.

You didn't "suggest" Agnetha, you patronised, lectured and insisted you knew better than QC what her son needed.

You then accused her of putting her own interests first. You couldn't have been more offensive.

Take a look at Leeloo's last post and learn something about empathy and tact, why don't you?

Take a look yourself, Tanith, you could learn something yourself. And don't accuse me of something I didn't do. In fact, stop making this about me. I'm offering OP my opinion, she's free to take or ignore it.

Agree with Tanith @ 20:57:04

Hi again quotecode, :) Pre-schools will all be quite different depending on who is running them. They should all follow the Early Years Foundation Stage (EYFS if you want to google it) and the ideal is that there should be a good mix of independent activities, with a small amount of getting them used to sitting together at set times for snacks/singing/stories, so when they go to school they'll be used to 'fitting in' with other people and be able to follow what the adult asks them to do. I'd hope that the adults would be used to caring for children who are anxious about being left (many, if not most, are at some point) and will help him to settle gradually and to begin to really enjoy himself. My ideal would be that it was attached/linked to the school that he would eventually go to (this is what I hope to do with my DS - now 2.4 - when he is older), so that he will be with some of the same children and perhaps also some of the teachers when he goes to school.

Pre-schools/nurseries attached to schools also often get to share resources with the main school and they are often in larger premises than private nurseries (generalising here, but true in my experience). I'd suspect that pre-schools will be a lot less busy than he's used to - not many will have the 'half structured learning / music / drama / dance lessons' (which sounds lovely in a prospectus, but might be a bit hectic in practise?) you've mentioned and this might suit your DS better?

Regarding how different it would be in your DS' mind - I'd say that could largely be down to you and how you 'spin' it. It must have been hard to sell the CM to him, if you weren't 100% convinced about it (although it sounds like the tv won him over there ). With the new pre-school, especially if it has lovely facilities (can be anything your DS will enjoy - a sand/water tray, train set, bikes, home corner), is attached to a school or with a uniform (normally not compulsory, but the nursery kids love looking like the older ones) then it'll give you a 'hook' to sell it to him, so you can be really excited about how much fun your DS will have there. You know your DS, but would he be won over with talk of 'special new place for big boys to go?' :)

I think it'd help if he has a few weeks/months breathing space between any talk of nurseries/you leaving him and starting to explore possibilities of pre-schools, so he has time to recover his confidence. Then when you've chosen where you want him to go (and he has a place), you could take him to look round with you, so it gives him the illusion of choice about the situation.

Sorry have waffled on, but hopefully some help. :)