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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

not happy but not sure if I'm being precious.

57 replies

QuoteCode · 10/02/2011 11:57

Long story short - ds is 3.9, been at his lovely bright busy caring nursery for a year but increasingly very anxious about leaving me. Last 4 months haven't been great, since Christmas terrible to the point of crying about it at weekends, when he wakes up, all the way there, hysterical when I leave him and although he calms down the staff tell me he is "fine" but they honestly can't say "happy".

Decided to take him out and find a CM as I think he would do better with much gentler environment, fewer children, more 1-on-1. However CMs where I live are few and far between but managed to find one near me with a vacancy. Popped over on Sat to meet her, wasn't entirely sure about the set up but she was very warm and friendly and nice with ds.

Today is first trial day. Her house smelt a bit of smoke, but not fresh smoke. Perhaps her DH smokes (he works out of home during the day). The main living room where the children are is very dark - one wall painted v dark brown, dark brown venetian blinds, down but slats open. Lights not on. Very grey rainy day today.

TV was on - we'd spoken about this on Sat and she said the TV went on after tea only. Today she said it was on because one of the mindees was a bit under the weather. It would be going off shortly, oh after Something Special, no actually after the thing with the dog because the other mindee liked that. (so it would be on for almost another hour in fact). She also said as it's ds's first day they might put a DVD on later. They probably wouldn't go out today because of the other mindee. It is wet but ds has wellies and a waterproof as well as his coat and gloves.

When I was leaving they were going to get some toys out for ds, she only had baby things out for the baby mindee. ds very upset to be left (but he always is, even with much loved gps.)

I've been out on an errand and I did do a detour past the house - TV was not on at 11am when I went past, but was on again at 11.25 when I went back.

I'm not happy about this, I am torn because this is my last option and I'm going to have to rethink work and training if I take him out and have him at home. So am I being precious or is this a bit poor?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

HSMM · 10/02/2011 18:32

Oh ... and I had a child arrive with a bad cold yesterday and his Mum was more than happy for him to be wrapped in blankets in a pushchair for a walk around a local lake.

He looked much better after all that fresh air.

new2cm · 10/02/2011 18:33

I would second leeloo1.

I'm not great with paperwork and the EYFS, but even I have the basics of a Child Record Form, a contract, permission forms and some policies as well as a Learning Outdoors Action Plan.

Your childminder is very lucky that you are not an Ofsted inspector.

ImFab · 10/02/2011 18:48

I am only a mum but have used a playschool and a nursery as well as working as a nanny before I had my children. Alarm bells ringing very loudly here.

StarExpat · 10/02/2011 20:29

"I am only a mum"

ChildrenAtHeart · 10/02/2011 20:42

A written agreement (ie contract) is one of the Welfare Requirements so by suggesting you don't need a contract she is already breaking the law. From what you say she is breaking it again by being over her registered numbers - did you see her Registration Certificate as this will confirm her numbers? - and by not 'preventing the risk of spread of infection' by having a sick child present, and by not providing daily opportunities for outdoor play & learning experiences etc etc.
Please do not send your child to this CM for all the reasons everyone on here has said. And i would be considering contacting Ofsted with your concerns too...

Original poster

QuoteCode · 10/02/2011 21:17

thank you so much everyone, I won't be taking ds back. your advice has been invaluable.

she came highly recommended with glowing testimony from someone who lives nearby. one of the reasons I wondered if it was me that was off in my judgement.

OP posts:

agnethafaltskog · 11/02/2011 12:31

Put your work and training on hold. Keep DS with you apart from his 15 hours at pre-school. This is a little boy who needs his mummy, not another child care environment, until he starts school.

Original poster

QuoteCode · 11/02/2011 15:01

!! he doesn't go to pre-school...!

I now have him 24/7, on my own. But I will do that because he's unhappy at nursery. Ok?

OP posts:

agnethafaltskog · 11/02/2011 15:48

Well if you are able to put work on hold for a year or so, then he can go to pre school, can't he? The poor lad is only 3.9 but he's had CMs, a nursery that he enjoyed but can no longer cope with and then a day in a depressing environment. So I'm suggesting that instead of looking for yet another child care provider you listen to what he clearly needs - being with his mum before he starts school. OK?

Original poster

QuoteCode · 11/02/2011 16:08

oh well thanks for that. everyone else has provided helpful advice and support and here you are lecturing me. given that I'm not about to spill my life story on here, perhaps you could restrict yourself to commenting on the issue at hand, which was my concerns about this cm, where ds spent the sum total of 3.5 hrs, most of it happily watching tv. Not advice about how much time to spend with my child or dictating what I should and shouldn't do about work.

OP posts:

Rudgey · 11/02/2011 16:08

Would you mind me asking what area you are in?

Rudgey · 11/02/2011 16:10

Would you mind me asking what area you are in?

Original poster

QuoteCode · 11/02/2011 16:11

can I ask why Rudgey? don't want to totally out myself given the detail i've gone into on this particular cm! PM me if you like.

OP posts:

minderjinx · 11/02/2011 16:16

Agnetha, I don't think it is at all clear what the little chap needs - that is why Mum is looking for ideas. For a child of three and a half or so to suddenly not be able to cope (if that's how his reactions are to be interpreted) with a nursery where he had been happy for quite a time seems quite unusual (though much more common in younger children). This childminder clearly wasn't the solution Mum was hoping for, but that doesn't mean it wasn't a good idea in principle. Also, without wishing to be pessimistic, there is no real reason to suppose that staying home with Mum all the time will be the magic bullet either, particularly since he is soon going to have to face school, and might actually feel more confident going up with a cohort of playmates from nursery. I think I'd suggest trying to explore with the key worker from the nursery what they think is going on here and what suggestions they might have. If they are professional about this, the answer won't automatically be come back to nursery, and they may well have some insight.

deepdarkwood · 11/02/2011 16:18

agnethafaltskog.

Quotecode - I think the tricky thing with recommendations is that different mums like different things. I'm like you - water only makes you wet - but I know lots of people who think I'm insane to walk to school in the rain when we have a car on the drive! I'm sure that if you find a cm who shares your parenting values and ethos ds will settle well. I also think that one day with a bit more TV than you'd like won't do him any harm

As others have said, there are lots of alarm bells ringing with this cm - but well done for following your instincts, and questioning it - it's so easy to feel you don't have options.

Do you have a sense of what might be making your ds more fearful/clingy than usual?

ScarlettWalking · 11/02/2011 16:19

I Think he will find it v difficult to settle in yet another childcare setting after this experience. Can you take a bit of time off to be with him for a bit so you can tentatively start researching another nursery in a while?

agnethafaltskog · 11/02/2011 16:32

back at you, deepdarkwood.

Quote - I'm not lecturing you but you clearly don't want to hear what your DS needs as opposed to what suits you.

Rudgey · 11/02/2011 17:19

Wow, this really has become a debate. I only meant what county you are in as plenty of cm's read this forum and might be able to help out with some solutions.

HSMM · 11/02/2011 17:26

He doesn't have to go to pre school if you don't want him to.

Original poster

QuoteCode · 11/02/2011 18:13

Rudgey, thanks for trying to help, it's appreciated. I will put feelers out re CMs here and elsewhere.

Agnetha - did you read what I said?? I took ds out of nursery, am putting things on hold, was hoping to find a setting more suited for ds but quickly discarded this particular CM after the helpful advice here and the perspective it gave me.

It doesn't suit me to have sole care of ds 24/7 - and I do mean 7 days a week on my own, no let up, no respite. Perhaps this isn't the best thing for ds either as having a tired, isolated and frazzled mother is not really in his best interests. All his peers that I know go to nursery or pre school (which round here are bursting at the seams, not a question of just sending him now) so we don't have a lot of same-age children around to mix with on a frequent basis. He could certainly benefit from being with other children and getting used to a school environment.

My posts were clearly looking for help and advice, clearly showed how anxious and worried I am about things. So just leave it would you?

OP posts:

Tanith · 11/02/2011 18:23

"you clearly don't want to hear what your DS needs as opposed to what suits you"

Let me correct your misinterpretation:

She doesn't want to hear what you think her DS needs as opposed to what is obviously against your agenda.

After all, QC is his mother and you are some anonymous whatnot with an axe to grind who's never met either her or her son. I would suggest that she knows far better than you what her son and her family needs, yes?

looneytune · 11/02/2011 18:27

What Tanith said!!

leeloo1 · 11/02/2011 18:33

Hi QuoteCode,

I'm glad you've decided not to send your DS back to the less than adequate CM, but sorry to hear its not ideal for you to be at home with him (having to put quals/work etc on hold). :(

Obviously I don't know your son, but personally (and as an ex-Reception teacher, so I know lots about 4/5 year olds ), I definitely think that your son would benefit from spending this time with you. For whatever reason he is having anxiety issues and will gain confidence from being with you. Could you see it as a 7 month stint, perhaps with a few (free) sessions at a pre-school to give you some time off - if you can find one you're happy with and that has spaces. If you're off work and can be flexible with sessions would that make it easier to find one?

Even without the pre-school (or whatever) children very quickly get used to being in the school environment, especially if they have mum/dad to pick them up, rather than having to cope with after school care too in the early days.

Sorry, no time to proof read as dinner ready - hope this is supportive/helpful (it was meant to be. :) )

Original poster

QuoteCode · 11/02/2011 18:43

Thanks leeloo. See, I had it in my head that "being at home with mum" meant exactly that, exlusively. But now everyone's suggesting being with me and with preschool thrown in too as good thing - so not at home with Mum all the time.

Nursery was 9-5 three days a week, if preschool were available it would be 15 hours a week over 3 days. Now 9 hours is clearly a difference but not as if he was going 5 days a week 8-6, he would still be being dropped off 3 times a week.

I'm not sure how much different pre-school would be to nursery in his mind? Hoping someone can help me understand that, perhaps it is v different? Nursery was half free play and half structured learning / music / drama / dance lessons. Of course preschool wouldn't be every week of the year in the way that nursery was.

OP posts:

Rudgey · 11/02/2011 18:48

As a new cm, a mum and 9 years nannying experience I can totally understand what Quotecode is feeling. I am very lucky that I love being with my children all the time and also thrive on looking after other peoples children. Unfortunately some cm's are not mums and don't truly understand how hard it is to be on call 24/7 (not their fault, but if you have never experienced it, you just don't know). I am sorry you have lost confidence in this cm and hope you can find someone who cares enough to help you work through this separate aniexty problem. Good luck.

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