am I being unreasonable?

[FuzzyWuzzyFuzzFuzz]

sanity check required...
Am I being unreasonable to expect my nanny to let me know where she's going during the day other than normal routine, to and from school, preschool or regular activities.
She used to let me know via txt msg as agreed from the beginning then she stopped and having discussed with her couple of weeks ago which seemed fine, she has now stated I am being unreasonable and that I should let her do whatever she wants to and not question it.

Frankly I like to know where my children are during the day.

You either trust her to look after your children or you don't. I would ask at the end of the day what the children had got up to but I wouldn't demand an itinerary beforehand.

I'm really sorry scurry, but I totally disagree... for safety, I would want at least an idea where she and my children will be... I have two school aged kids and during school holidays, I always ask for my nanny's plans, especially if I'm going to be home early, as I'd like to either join in or have them home so I can spend more time with them.

But that's just my opinion...

And I don't think it's about trust, b/c I do trust my nanny with the kids, it's just that I would like to know what my kids are doing...

A. x

YANBU & YABU!

YANBU, because as you say you like to know where your children are if they do anything different

BUT

YABU to want your nanny to let you know what she is doing all day...my boss has never asked me to tell her where we are/what we're doing unless
-We are having a playdate at her house (Obviously she just wants to know someone else has been there)
-If something is very different to what we do (Last week we took an impromptu trip to the cinema and park and would be home after she normally rings)

Personally if an employer asks me to let them know where I am and what we're doing, I feel like they don't trust me and/or are checking up on me, but thats only my opinion :)

You can certainly question where she goes.

Not sure it's always practical to know in advance where she goes though. When out with children, plans can change. However as you have agreed to be contacted by text, reasonable to expect that to still happen.
Though do you need to authorise every outing? Are there concerns about the sort of thing your nanny is doing?

No it is not unreasonable

I employ a nanny - as her employer I can question her and if I am not happy then I have a right to state it

This is hypothetical for me as my nanny hasn't done anything like this

OP - how have things been with your nanny?

I think it is reasonable to know what general plans are and I suppose it may depend on what your nanny is contracted to do. i.e. entertainer, educator and the like?

I may have been hasty in posting but I am keen not to come across as a bit controlling. I trust my son's school to get on with it and other clubs and activities I pay for. I just don't expect (or want ) a blow by blow account of the day.

For me, my children are still pretty young so I think I feel this quite keenly

YABU either you trust her to look after your children or you don't. If you need to know where they are every minute of the day, you need to look after them yourself or put them in a nursery. You will not get a great, mature, responsible, wonderful nanny who is happy to do this.

It depends on exactly how much you need to know. If she differs from the normal routine of school runs, etc - like if she takes an unscheduled trip to the swings or the library or the shops, is that fine? Or do you need text messages such as 'going to swings for 25 minutes then butcher's then home, out again at 2pm for Crechendo'?

If it's the latter, but she's doing normal things and going to normal places - visits with other nannies, toddler groups, feeding ducks, swing etc, then I think it's a tad controlling to need to know their exact location at every minute.

However, it would piss me off to come home and her to say, 'guess what? we went to the seaside 2 hours away today!' because I would want to know about that. The usual stuff I think it's best to leave nannies etc to it. You employed her because you trust her, so let her get on with it. Imagine your boss needing to know your every movement - sounds like a PITA tbh.

That said, it does all depend on exactly what she's doing and where she's going that's causing you annoyance.

I interpreted the OP as being cross something outside of the ordinary routine

I am quite happy to let my nanny get on with it, I trust her completely and she always writes a little note at the end of the day telling me what she's done, how my daughter lked/disliked it, etc. Frankly I'm far too busy at work to have time to read texts from her through the day about where they are, I pay her so that I can work without worrying about how my daughter is, it's one of the reasons I use a nanny rather than a nursery.

Could you maybe ask her to do an outline of what they do each week - are there regular activities? For example I know that every Tuesday they go to singing class then out for lunch the home for nap, etc. If you had an outline would that help? I can understand her not really wanting to report to you all the time, how would you feel if you were asked to account for every hour of your day at work?

Fuzzy YANBU. They are your DC and you absolutely SHOULD KNOW where they are. How ridiculous to suggest otherwise!

Clearly she is not a Norland Nanny, mores the pity.

Suggest you make it clear to Nanny that they are her charges and not her DC, and leave The Lady magazine open at the situations wanted pages. Good Luck. Do post back and let us know if you put her straight.

I don't have a nanny but my cm always lets me know where they will be that day. I see nothing wrong with wanting to know.
I trust my cm completely but I still want to know where my child will be going that day.

Depends on the specifics, Can you give examples of what you expect her to be telling you.

My nanny will tell me what she plans to do generally but would not bother updating me with changes - if for example she planned a walk down the woods but it then started raining I would not expect her to text me with the alternative plans in advance.

YANBU

Hi,

I always let my boss know if my plans change. Not because she doesn't trust me but it can always something happen etc. and I would like to know where my children are too.

Just let your nanny know that you do trust her but that you would like to know what she is up to (where she is etc.) just in case something happends.

YANBU to ask for a text - off to the park/toddlers/whatever, if that's what you agreed (as long as this is not costing the nanny money).

YAmaybeBU to ask for a plan for the day, because plans change. I am a CM and a parent asked this morning what our plans were for the day and I said park this morning and Church this afternoon, but we ended up staying home in the morning and going to the park in the afternoon.

I started off thinking you were being a bit unreasonable and that you should trust her, but having re-read your OP you asked for texts from the beginning and she agreed so she should do what you ask.

I guess the bottom line is, is this worth losing a nanny over? Is some compromise possible - even just so it doesn't get to the kind of situation where nobody wants to back down?

YANBU and YABU

YANBU because it's what you agreed, she was doing it and you have every right (of course) to know where your children are.

YABU if you expect her to text every single change of location or if it's costing her and she's not being reimbursed.

YANBU to ask for a plan for the day and to be informed of any major unforseen outings, YABU if you require her to text to say 'nipping to shops for milk', 'not going to park as raining', 'baby sign cancelled, going to the library instead'.

I'd say that there are certain thing I wouldn't expect to be informed of - school run, planned activities, the park, the shops. I would expect to be told about big trips and playdates if spur of the moment. I would expect a rough daily plan, I wouldn't mind if things were cancelled and I was only informed at the end of the day or if they stopped by the library on the way home from school because DC needed a book for a project (in fact, I'd applaud the initiative).

It's a balancing act between nanny getting on with her job and texting you every single minute. If you need to know and approve everything it gives her very little flexibility to respond to your DC saying 'can we go to the park? can we go to the library?' etc, she probably feels undermined and tbh most employers don't require minute by minute updates so to her nanny acquaintances you're probably coming across as very controlling.

I think you need to clarify what you want from her, bearing in mind what is reasonable.

But I think if it was agreed upon taking the job, then the nanny knew that the mb was going to want this. So this was a part of the job.

Regardless of how it comes across, it is "in the job description", so while the nanny may be annoyed, she should do it anyway.

I've worked in environments in the past where I may think some of the demands are "unreasonable" but if they are a part of the job description, then I do it!

As a nanny, unless we were going some where out of the ordinary, a trip to the zoo or something, i never specifically told my bosses what we were doing.

but if we were having a special day out then yes i did mention it.

Where we were was always in nanny diary "swimming then to Sams for lunch & play" "tumbletots then frayer here for lunch" so should my bosses need me they could just look and see where we would be.

I certainly didnt need to ask / tell them, and would have been a bit offended if they wanted my whole itinery...

always wrote in detail about our day in the evening, so they knew what exactly we had done / eaten / enjoyed / spent

also most weeks were pretty similar

we had our classes, where we met the same people and then we'd normally have lunch withsomeone who also went to the class and alternated between their house and ours...

But she knew from the start that this was the job! Why do it and agree to the job, then complain all of a sudden that you think it's unreasonable? If you would be offended by that, then surely, don't take the job?

What am I missing?

agree yabu and yanbu

as others have said, fair enough you want to know where your dc are

but i wouldnt be happy sending texts, saying can we go to xxx and then wait for the reply

but i dont see the harm in sending a text saying off to park/friends house etc so you know where your dc are

i generally mention to mb what we are doing that day but as nick said plans chnage, weather may rain/child meant to see was up all night being sick etc

she also knows we do roughly the same thing, ie see a friend/tumbletots/music/coffee am etc

in the summer we all go out for days out, again i dont ask mb/db if we can go - but we did discuss at interview that im a sociable nanny and go out to farms/zooz/beachs/cinema/bowling etc and they said lovely

i think i did ask if there was anywhere that they wouldnt be happy for me to take them
and answer was macdonalds and they prefer pizza/zizi/brwsters etc

saying that, i also dont see the harm of having a diary and for nanny to write in it what the plans are, but if things chnage due to the above reasons for you not to get annoyed

you either trust your nanny or you dont :)

Depends what you want to know really - if you expect her to text you every time she decides to go to the park or library then it sounds a bit stifling!

If you want to know in advance that she plans to drive to the beach or visit friends in another town then that sounds fair enough.

As for agreeing from the start many employers like to be kept very much in the loop at the start and then ease off once they see that the daily routine doesn't change much.

Also she may find it fine in theory but very stifling in practice, especially if approval/confirmation of the plan is required before it can be carried out. It's quite simply impractical to be continually texting every single movement as it happens, especially if it's following the pre-arranged plan for the day.

Plus the OP doesn't say whether it's costing the nanny extra - she may have just received her phone bill and been horrified!

Depends what kind of communication is expected...it may also be that nanny was very zealous at communicating in the beginning so the OP has become accustomed to being informed of every single movement! But without knowing the expected level of communiation it's difficult to say whether what's being asked is reasonable or not.