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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

Au Pair wants her boyfriend to stay at o ur house?

33 replies

whizzylala · 31/01/2011 12:11

Our German au pairs boyfriend is coming over to visit for four days in february. She asked me if he could stay with her at our house and DH and I agreed that it wasn't really on / we didn't feel comfortable with it and said he was welcome to visit but would have to stay in B&B nearby. We said the same to our au pair last year too. After I told her she came back out about an hour later in floods of tears saying he had money problems and couldn't afford to stay in a B&B nearby. A hostel was a possibility but it is not near us so he may not be able to come.
She has made me feel really bad, I offered for her to go home so she could see him instead but she said no, he has already booked the flights. I feel a bit annoyed as if he has booked then he obviously assumed he was staying at our house. I haven't changed our stance on this despite her making me feel incredibly guilty - am I being mean? How would you feel about this?
Thanks.
Whizz.

OP posts:
NewTeacher · 31/01/2011 12:16

Depends on the au pair.

I have found if there is a little give and take you have a smoother ride.

Your AP has assumed you would be ok with it and let her BF book tickets without oking with you (which would annoy me too).

However if she is a good AP I would personally allow it, if she isnt I wouldnt.

But its your house and your rules so dont let her make you feel guilty. You do what works for you and next time she will know to ask first!

andagain · 31/01/2011 12:32

I personally wouldn't mind and our Au Pair's boyfriend has stayed at our house before and is about to visit again this weekend.

But I have stated that this is ok with us when we agreed the terms with her to begin with. If this is not something you said you'd be ok with then you really don't need to feel guilty about it. And it is presumptuous of her to assume you'd agree because he can't afford the B&B.

Even though we have said we are ok with it, I still expect my au pair to ask me if the time he is thinking of visiting is ok with us (because I wouldn't want him around at times when I have guests in the house, as it would be just too many people in the house!).

She asked (as it happens a bit too late for him to change the flights) and you said no, so you relly don't need to feel guilty about it.

StarExpat · 31/01/2011 12:37

How old is the au pair? Why don't you want him to stay over?

ZZZenAgain · 31/01/2011 12:47

I am sure if he wants to come, he'd be able to borrow the money for 4 days at a hostel or B & B. I don't think you are being mean. It is your house and if you don't like it, it is your decision. They should not have assumed you would say yes and they should not be pressuring you into either. Had they asked before booking the flights, they would have known not to presumably.

However you are going to have to put up with her in your house from now on which might not be pleasant. Can they both meet up for the 4 days and stay at a hostel togetther then, something like that if the one you mentioned is too far from your home? Or is he on such a tight budget that he was really dependent on your hospitality?

Original poster
whizzylala · 31/01/2011 12:50

She is 20. I don't know him that is why I don't want him to stay! I don't like the idea of them getting together for the first time in months under my roof - I would have thought they would want their own space too hence the decision last year which our then au pair was fine with and so we have just done the same this time. Also my DH does not like this AP at all so I think that is another reason he feels quite strongly about it. Having met him we may well change our minds, last year AP and BF had a couple of nights in B&B then went to London then when they came back we let him stay for two nights - she was a lovely au apir and we had met him by then and felt comfortable around him and him around the kids. I suppose she is not the best au pair and having her around isn't particularly great at the best of times so the thought of two of them is a bit grim!

OP posts:
Checkmate · 31/01/2011 12:57

We have this rule for our Au Pair's. (In our handbook "We may consent to female friend or relative staying for a short period during whilst you aren't working, on a case by case basis. We request that no male friends or boyfriend stay over in our home.")

Don't feel guilty, it is DH's decision as well as yours and ultimately your home, your kids, your rules.

SnapFrakkleAndPop · 31/01/2011 13:02

It's not on for her to assume that you'll be okay with housing (and feeding) her boyfriend for a few days and she shouldn't be inviting people round without your say-so as it's quite disrespectful. Would you tolerate such behaviour from your own DCs? In any case, she has, possibly because there were no explicit rules in place, and now unfortunately you need to deal with the consequences. As far as I can see you can do one of three things:

  1. stick to your guns, say it's tough and not make life any easier
  2. offer her those 4 days as part of her paid holiday entitlement so they can go and stay somewhere cheaper like the hostel
  3. give in

Option 1 you are perfectly entitled to do, although it will make for a resentful and sulky au pair.

Option 2 inconveniences you for those 4 days but she is entitled to holiday (and you're entitled to dictate when it is) and it would solve the problem of having them around/the affordability.

Option 3 I think sets a bad example that she'll be able to get her own way whenever she feels like it but it might create a lot more goodwill on her part. That said if you're not happy don't do it.

What did you agree in your house rules when she took the job on? Was anything mentioned? If not, and given that you had this situation last year, I'd put that in as a priority when you next recruit an au pair. I'd also review the house rules you have for this one and make sure that any other potentially tricky situations are covered.

I feel some sympathy for her as it's tough being in a foreign country without your boyfriend and when you're young/studying flights are expensive.

StarExpat · 31/01/2011 13:03

That makes sense. After reading your last post, if I had an au pair, I wouldn't want the bf staying either. Your house, your rules.

Maybe the bf is putting pressure on her to provide a place for him to stay. Not your problem at all, but just making an attempt to see where she's coming from.

Bertina · 31/01/2011 13:09

Up to you if the bf stays or not, sod her emotional blackmail and yes, I do think they assumed he would stay, before booking tickets, how silly of them.

Very short sighted on their part. I wonder if it would have been cheaper to come via coach/ferry than fly?

Stick to your guns. Sympathise that it's a shame but say that they really should have budgetting and sorted accommodation before booking flights - perhaps she'll take it as a lesson learnt.

I wonder why she didn't take the option of her visiting him - were you giving her days off to do so and/or paying for her ticket?

BradfordMum · 31/01/2011 13:14

I certainly would NOT allow a strange man to sleep in my house whether or not he was the AP's boyfriend.

Just explain they ought to have asked first, and not presumed

Original poster
whizzylala · 31/01/2011 13:19

I would have given her days off, not paid for the ticket though. She did mention he would be visiting and I really didn't think anymore of it, with last years au pair she said her BF was coming and where could he stay ie could I recommend accomodation, far more polite! So I suppose I wrongly assumed that without asking I would not expect him to camp out with us. Her parents are also due to visit separately and of course they are booked into B&B.
I will definitely learn from this for future ground rules though.
She is being ok about it on the whole, I don't think it will have too much longterm impact at least I hope not. I am already quite pissed off with her as having new baby soon and neded the au pair until mid June at the earliest for various reasons, (made this quite clear!) and she is buggering off mid May so i don't suppose I am feeling very sympathetic to her cause!

OP posts:
Bertina · 31/01/2011 13:23

I think the assumption that has caused the issue was hers, not yours.

I wouldn't assume it was OK for me to invite someone to stay in someone else's home, without asking first.

She's young, and has inadvertantly been rude, really. But if she's sucking it up, then move on.

Hope you find a good replacement for her in May.

blueshoes · 31/01/2011 13:31

It is your house and your rules. I have a similar house rule to checkmate so it is clear from the start where my limits are. My previous (good) aupairs were very respectful of the family's space and always asked permission even if it was just a female friend staying the night over the weekend.

I would be quite happy to relax the male visitor rule for a good aupair. But would probably not for a 'not so good' one. I suspect her making assumptions in this way is a symptom of why she is not as good as the previous aupair.

Ripeberry · 31/01/2011 16:07

No, no and no! What does she think she is doing? He is not even CRB checked, and you want a strange man in the house! Shock

nancy10 · 31/01/2011 16:22

No way! He should have thought about his accomodation before booking his flight and not assumed he could stay at your home. I would not have a strange man, in my house, near my children!

BeattieBow · 31/01/2011 16:27

I let my german au pair's boyfriend stay at our house. I wasn't comfortable the first time (dh agreed to it without speaking to me - to him it just wasn't an issue), but it was fine. Why do you think you are you concerned? I did examine my feelings quite deeply - I really wasn't worried that he would be a paedophile or something, and the ap wasn't going to be on duty with him there, so i don't think she would have been negligent or anything. In the end I concluded that I didn't want to bump into him in my dressing gown or something. But it just wasn't a problem - they didn't emerge until Lunchtime, and then spent all the time looking round the town. (I have had her female friends staying over and didn't mind at all really).

in fact he is lovely.

But your house, your rules.

BeattieBow · 31/01/2011 16:30

What do you all think the 20 year old boyfriend is going to do?? I have had lots of au pairs, the boyfriends are all really respectful and have never been a problem. ever. I can understand if you don't want any strangers in your house before mmeting them, but is this just because he is male? Really I don't think he is going to be a raving perv.

HarrietTheSpook · 31/01/2011 17:49

CHeckmate:

"We may consent to female friend or relative staying for a short period during whilst you aren't working, on a case by case basis. We request that no male friends or boyfriend stay over in our home.")

Just out of interest, do you tell them that before they arrive?

This thread is interesting and is why I have soft peddled the visitors policy when it comes to having things in writing. It can depend so much on the individuals involved, can't it? But I guess it's fair to the AP and easier in the long run to lay something out as early on as poss.

Checkmate · 31/01/2011 18:28

Yep HarriettheSpook (sorry... it contains glaring typos, but you get the drift.)
They get emailed a copy of the handbook. Experience shows that they don't tend to read it very thoroughly, but at least they can't say they weren't informed. (Another copy is printed out for when they arrive of course)

We've found that when we compromise our rules because we "really like this au pair and its just once" (or whatever), then that is when things start to go wrong in some way. So now there is no debate, those are the rules.

Current AP is upset that we won't let her brother come and stay. I do feel bad about it. But those are the rules.

BeattieBow · 31/01/2011 19:27

I truly don't understand why you distinguish between brothers/boyfriends and female friends. why? Not being difficult, just don't understand.

surely if you feel uncomfortable having people you don't know in your house, that applies to males and females.

SquashySponge · 31/01/2011 20:42

Whizzy - you've already said no to your AP. Your AP and her BF really should not have assumed it was OK without asking you first. In addition your AP is not staying until June as you would have liked, so I don't think there is any obligation for you to concede on this one.

Writing rules for every situation is impossible. It is also difficult as an Au-Pair is not strictly a family member either. You made a decision, and now your AP is trying to change your mind or make you feel guilty which is not right either. If you change your mind this may mean your AP can question your other rules too, and as CheckMate notes, is when things go wrong.

JustAnother · 31/01/2011 21:11

I let our AP years ago have a friend to stay for a long weekend and regreted every minute of it. The friend had money (she had a good job) and yet she treated my house and my fridge like her own, even making pack lunches before she went out for the day. I felt used and after that the relationship with AP was never the same

blueshoes · 31/01/2011 22:31

Beattie, there is a sliding scale of uncomfortableness for me:

Casual male friend just met
Long term boyfriend
Male friend from home town
Brother or male relative
Girl friend just met
Girl friend from home town
Sister or female relative

With boyfriends, it is a question of what they are doing with the aupair under my roof and my children bumping into them. If you have a respectful and good aupair, it is easier to make allowances and waive (eg prior introduction) but with aupairs that take the piss, no way.

Julesnobrain · 31/01/2011 23:40

I wouldn't feel guilty. There is no way I would let a strange man stay in my house with my children. I vet the AP not all and sundry friends and relatives!! She is being naive to think you would allow it. Stick to your guns, do not be manipulated.

ZZZenAgain · 01/02/2011 09:49

I would consider letting this AP go really. Dh for some reason has taken an intense dislike to her and she isn't coming across well on the thread to me at least. Wouldn't it be better to have a new AP in the house and settled so you and the dc are used to her, before the baby arrives?

Not sure how practicable that is but just a thought..