Au Pair wants her boyfriend to stay at o ur house?

[whizzylala]

Our German au pairs boyfriend is coming over to visit for four days in february. She asked me if he could stay with her at our house and DH and I agreed that it wasn't really on / we didn't feel comfortable with it and said he was welcome to visit but would have to stay in B&B nearby. We said the same to our au pair last year too. After I told her she came back out about an hour later in floods of tears saying he had money problems and couldn't afford to stay in a B&B nearby. A hostel was a possibility but it is not near us so he may not be able to come.
She has made me feel really bad, I offered for her to go home so she could see him instead but she said no, he has already booked the flights. I feel a bit annoyed as if he has booked then he obviously assumed he was staying at our house. I haven't changed our stance on this despite her making me feel incredibly guilty - am I being mean? How would you feel about this?
Thanks.
Whizz.

Of course you should let him stay! He's her boyfriend!

I can't believe you wouldn't let him. He probably doesn't have much money, they haven't seen each other for a while and an a pair is meant to be part of the family,right?

It's true you don't know him but the risks of anything happening are completely minimal. You are being very harsh.

i agree !!

Glad this has raised some interest! Such varying opinions. I can honestly say that I do not think he is going to be a paedophile or raving looney, I am sure he is a perfectly decent young man. I think it is simply that I don't know him and therefore don't feel comfortable having him stay without meeting him first. Of course having au pairs is the same and you don't know them at first either and every time a new one arrives I am anxious about how things will go - I don't really feel like going through that for the sake of a few days. It would probably be absolutely fine but we have said it now and I do feel that we can't go back on that. If after a couple of days we want to offer for him to stay then at least it will be a decision we are comfortable with. Part of the issue I think is that without asking they thought he could stay and that is annoying to me, it is just a matter of politeness (not one of ner strong points) as far as I am concerned. No, can't get a new AP as much as I would like to as only going to have one until June, well May as it turns out, and then go it alone whilst i am on mat leave! cannot face going through all that process again now for such a short time!
I have to say after reading through all this I am surprised how many people have no problem with it at all, i am a pretty relaxed easy going liberal person on the whole, must be something about this particular situation that as affected me!
Whizz

An au pair may/may not be seen as part of the family - depends on the arrangement - but even so there is no way my mother would have tolerated me having my boyfriend over to stay who she'd never met. Especially not without my asking first! So refusing to have them stay isn't automatically not treating them as part of the family.

Whizzy let the previous APs BF stay after she'd met him for 2 nights anyway, which is more than many au pair employers would permit and I really don't think it's unreasonable to say 'no, I don't know this person' regardless of their role in the AP's life.

If an au pair is an au pair then they should be seen as a member of the family. If they aren't seen or treated as such then they really shouldn't be offered an au pair role.

I agree with Frak - Treating someone as part of the family doesn't mean they can bring who ever they want back to stay though. If you wouldn't be happy for your own children when they are older to bring a regular boyfriend back then fair enough - though this should be pointed out before someone arrives.

With me I always specify up front no overnight male guests unless it is a long term fiancee or boyfriend and then we would discuss it as a long weekend is a lot easier to say yes to than a month in the summer for instance! In your case if it was me, I would allow the boy to stay. I wouldn't lose a good au pair over something like this that I'm sure I could live through (can't speak for you and your family though). I'd take the kids out for the first evening he arrives though..!

It's your house so it's up to you, even if she is treated as part of the family. (I'm pretty liberal but I know a lot of people who wouldn't let their own son or daughter's boyfriend/girlfriend stay overnight unless they'd met them a few times and knew a little about them. I think they'd take the same line with an au pair.)

When she was living with us, we let our AP's long-term BF and a male friend she'd known since she was a child stay for occasional weekends. They were both v. polite and helpful and brought presents for DD.

could he stay but in different bedrooms?

blueshoes, I would be reluctant to let anyone (male or female) stay who the au pair had just met.

While I am not keen on having strangers in the house ( who I haven't met before), if they have known the au pair for ages, then I am more relaxed. I take the view that it is her home too, so she should be able to let her boyfriend, brother or best mate stay if she wants.

Having said that, if I am not well disposed toward the au pair, I wouldn't agree and haven't had the situation before where an au pair hasn't checked with me first.