Can I ask nanny to change her style of childcare?

[peapod2010]

This is a bit complicated as the nanny brings her own two children with her (she is a long standing acquaintance with no previous nannying experience). Therefore if I ask her to treat my DC in a certain way (we want to follow unconditional parenting principles) I worry that it will be seen as criticism of her care of her own children. It's not that I have seen her doing anything out of the ordinary, but concepts such as "the naughty step" and threats and rewards are really not things we want for our DC. I realise it must seem terribly naive not to have covered this issue before we employed her, but DC is still very little and I've only recently started thinking about/noticing parenting styles (I know that sounds really dim!).

Has anyone ever dealt with a similar situation? Alternatively, how harmful do you feel it would be for my DC to be cared for in 2 different ways when she is with the nanny rather than her parents?

Can i ask how you discipline your child and what age he/she is?

She's only 9 mths so not at all! However my intention is to be very laid back and always try to explain rather than "punish". I relaise this is idealistic, but it tallies very closely with how I was brought up and I had a fantastic childhood which I want to replicate for DD (all be it without the SAHM bit, sadly).

Children adapt quite easily between there being different rules/styles when in the care of different people. Just consider how you as a child probably behaved differently around grandparents, or at school for example.

If you don't want her to use something like "naughty step" then tell her so. Though do tell her how you would deal with situations.

You say your child is quite young now... whilst you may currently be going down a certain style of parenting, you may find that style changes. After all, what if you find that your child does not fit with the style... children are all individuals and thus things need to be tailored to the individual child. What works for one child, won't always work for another, even in the same family.

Thanks, Nannynick- that's very wise advice. I am trying not to get too stuck on it, but she has been with us nearly a month and we plan to have a review next week so feel I ought to bring this up then rather than just ignore my concerns.

Right okay, so you mean in the future not right now!! lol that would be strange seeing a 9mnth old on the naughty step!! lol

I personally don't think there is anything wrong with the naughty step/time out zone. I don't believe it is punishing children, rather teaching them that there are consquences (SP) for their actions. You do also explain when using the naughty step.

But, that aside, if you do not want her using that perticular technique or stlye then quite simply just say it. Of course be nice about it and try not to make a big deal about it. I think esp as that you want your DD brought up to the way you were then you can use that as one of your reasons.

As nannynick as pointed out you will need to explain to her how you would deal with things.

Thanks, Pollywolly. I take your point but it's not quite as simple as giving alternatives for a specific situation- it's more about consitantly treating children with respect and not trying to control them too much. But I agree that I do have to find a way to break it down into individual events and responses.....need to do some serious thinking!

I think this is a tricky one - personally may be a bit late to say this now, but for me, one of the key things in choosing those who care for my children, do they have the same ethos as me with regards to discipline, boundaries etc.

I have also extended this to choosing schools etc.

I am the complete opposite to your parenting style, I am strict, and like lots of order with regards to boundaries.

Therefore, (and I don't mean this rudely) but I would not choose someone with your style of parenting to look after my children, by the same token I think you choosing someone with my parenting style would be the wrong decision to make.

i agree with oldbeforetime

you have different views and i think eventually this will become a problem esp with discipline

obv a 9mth wont go on the naughty step but time out/naughty step etc is a good way of disciplining an older child and rewards/bribing have their place

You will be confusing your child as your Nanny will discipline her own children differently to yours.

This should have been thought about especially as your nanny brings her kiddies. Your baby will watch and learn from them SO MUCH, so how would you handle it when all three need disciplining and your child 'gets away with it!'

I think if you choose to use any form of childcare then you have to accept that they may have differnt values and principles than you do.
Also, you do get what you pay for. Employing an inexperienced and unqualified nanny may well bring up problems such as you describe.

But, as others have said, children are extremely adaptable and it is unlikely to affect your child in a way that causes lasting damage. It might cause some damage to the relationship with your nanny, though.
Maybe you could provide her with some literature on your preferred parenting style or send her on a training course. You never know, she might have an epiphany moment, and change her parenting style.

Personally I would find it difficult to make someone who has three children to look after practise unconditional parenting. Sometimes your son will have to do as he is told with little explanation because there are the needs of two other children to consider - one may needy leave the playpark because they need the toilet, your DS doesn't want go but he has to. Sometimes children won't accept explanations.

With something like a parenting "ethos", I think you either have it or not, so you need to find someone with a similar ethos to you from the outset. Unconditional parenting would be challenging enough if it's something you really believe in, but if it's something quite alien to your way of thinking and you have three children to care for I think it would be quite difficult. It's not like you can say instead of the naughty step I want you to do x/y/z.

Thansk for all the replies, and I'm pleased people see that this is a tricky situation. In my defence, this is an arrangement which evolved after a planned nannyshare broke down. DD was only around 4 months when we set it up and we, naively, I acknowledge, had given very little thought to parenting styles at that time.

I actually don't anticipate that the arrangement will last much more than a year as the nanny's oldest will then be at pre-school and I don't think she'd manage all the pick ups and drop offs. So it may be that by the time these issues really matter to DD we will be using another childcare option.

Purepurple- I have had the idea of offering her some books to read, and think I will try this.

Reading books won't change someones style of doing things. It might give them ideas about other approaches but overall style is learnt over a long period of time, whilst they as a child were growing up.
Changes can happen but don't expect it to happen quickly.

Liad back attitude is fine at times, however sometimes you need to be the leader, to take charge. Especially in times of panic, if an accident occurs. Drill sergant major may suddenly make an appearance in an emergency situation. Imagine a child running into a road with traffic... would you be calm and ask them nicely to come back?

I don't agree with you, nannynick. I think that knowledge can be gained from reading books and realising that there are other ways of doing things. You can change approaches and behaviour can be learnt, it's not all down to how we were parented.

Disagree away.

It's just my opinion. People do have a bad upbringing and do learn not to repeat that with their own children. So yes in come cases it can help.

However in my view how you were raised has a large infuluence on you.

I think the advantage of having a nanny is that you have more say on how your child is brought up. I have turned down jobs because our views on childcare are totally different.

It is good to read books and got other peoples suggestions and opinions as no two children are the same and what works for one might not work for the other.

I am very laid back but I do no think anyone would be laid back if a child was running in the road Nick.

I think you'll struggle. Children need boundaries your nanny has probably already worked this out with her two. My son's class at school is having major problems with two little boys whose parents use unconditional parenting one still bites at 5 and the other is completely uncontrollable.
You'd be much better off advertising for a nanny just for your little one and saying that you want one that will do the unconditional parenting.

What about when your dd go to school?
You wont be able to ask the teachers to be 'laid back' with her.

It is possible to be laid back and still set boundaries.I have always had a gentle approach to child care and do not use the naughty step yet I have often been complimented on what nice well behaved children I have in my care.

I think that it's important that you and your nanny agree on parenting issues and maybe a professional nanny who has the same ideas as you would be best.

Small children have to be given secure environments in which to practice response inhibition.

Say child 'a' is building with blocks and wants a particular block child 'b' has. The automatic response may be to take the block. In the ideal scenario the adult's role is to prevent the child from taking the block, explain why and negotiate/support a solution to the problem.

Not consistent with 'unconditional parenting' because of the intial prevention of action. If the child got angry about the prevention I would still prevent it and they may well become very cross and upset as a result. But they would learn about boundaries, social interaction and the way the world works.

Think carefully- I see the consequenses of families who haven't and it's a complex job picking up the pieces.

I have also seen children who have very strict boundaries at home. These are the children who are usually the worst behaved ones when they get away from mum and dad.

OP - you sound like me before I had kids. No way was I going to do bribery or naughty steps or the like. I was then faced with the reality of parenting and found out they are the very best way of keeping my sanity and 'helping' my children to behave, along with negotiation/choices etc. It all worked well, as on the whole they are lovely children and (usually) very well behaved.