Can I ask nanny to change her style of childcare?

[peapod2010]

This is a bit complicated as the nanny brings her own two children with her (she is a long standing acquaintance with no previous nannying experience). Therefore if I ask her to treat my DC in a certain way (we want to follow unconditional parenting principles) I worry that it will be seen as criticism of her care of her own children. It's not that I have seen her doing anything out of the ordinary, but concepts such as "the naughty step" and threats and rewards are really not things we want for our DC. I realise it must seem terribly naive not to have covered this issue before we employed her, but DC is still very little and I've only recently started thinking about/noticing parenting styles (I know that sounds really dim!).

Has anyone ever dealt with a similar situation? Alternatively, how harmful do you feel it would be for my DC to be cared for in 2 different ways when she is with the nanny rather than her parents?

If you don't want your child put on the "naughty step" then tell the person you are paying to look after her not to do so. Jo Frost has a lot to answer for!

I think no matter how you phrase it, seeing as she brings her dc with her to work, you stand a good chance of coming across as if you were criticising her parenting, not her style of childcare.

I agree it's a sticky situation, but essentially you're saying 'what you do with your children, we don't want you to do that with ours'. It's going to be incredibly difficult to phrase it.

tbh, I think it's going to be hell for her to do one thing with her dcs and another with yours, so when the time comes, (ie when your dd is old enough to need something in the way of discipline) I think you and the nanny may find yourselves parting company

If she didn't bring her dcs with her, then it might be different.

Rotten situation for you to be in though.

Thanks for all the replies- I didn't think this would be such a hot topic!

Cat64 thanks for understanding- I didn't want to start a discussion about unconditional paretning as I know it's contraversial. The reason for my initial post was that I can't believe I'm the only person who has ever wanted to parent this way and had to use childcare. As I'm becoming aware, the "mainstream" of parenting techniques are not what we want for DD, so I worry that even with a nursery and the majority of childminders and nannies we would probably run into the same issues.

Bertina I think you put it perfectly. I am going to have to decide whether to try and tackle it tactfully or make the assumption that we will end the arrangement before any need for discipline arises. I'm more and more inclined to go with the latter after this thread. However that doesn't quite put it to bed- watch out for another thread in a few months on how to find childcare that agrees with uncnditional parenting!

I think unconditional parenting and WOTH aren't really that compatible tbh.

However, you can do your best to find someone with the same basic outlook/style as yourself.

You know what her parenting 'style' is and if it's not what you want for your DD then I think you need to find alternative care for her. It's not realistic to ask someone who is bringing their own children up one way, to bring yours up another - especially when she is bringing them with her.

She may agree to do it your way with your DD, but it wont happen. She wont change her way with her children and you can't have her do UP with yours and her 'style' with hers.

I think the best thing you can do is find a nursery/childminder that is the closest to UP as you can find.

Well said cinpin! My neices, when young were friends with twin girls who had very strict parents and guess what! when away from their parents influence they were the most badly behaved children I've ever met.

Children can be taught about social interaction and how the world works without using naughty steps but by setting a loving and consistant example.

I am a parent who likes the approach of the unconditional parenting book - it reflects/develops well my own ideas about bringing up my children. I have a nanny (30hrs/wk) for our youngest (2). She has probably never heard of unconditional parenting, but I think she cares for him very well indeed. Of course she doesn´t do things the same way I would - she has more experience and is not the parent (I think it does make for a different framework! Dcs don´t have as many issues with her around sibling rivalry etc..). I only have experience with my own children, but they are my only children and so our relationship is subtly different. But, she is very respectful, doesn´t use the naughty step (also not with dd (5)). She does things like agreeing with dd that she will put her coat on when the big hand of the clock reaches the six. DD watches the hands of the clock carefully and enjoys the "game". Similarly for dds nursery (mornings) - not UP but respectful and they don´t seem to need to do much disciplining anyway. I think they do praise the kids a lot but - as I say - if the children are treated with respect, I don´t see any need for them to do things exactly as I would. I think it´s good for dcs to experience slightly different styles but when you look for your next childcare arrangement, I´d just make sure that you and the people involved have a broadly similar world view!

Before children I was a nanny/maternitynurse/sleeptrainer. When I had my first child I worked as a nanny with him and a baby the same age from 3 months until they were 3 years ( we discussed discipline/parenting style at interview) Now I have a whole bundle of children and am a child-minder.
There is absolutly NO WAY I would even consider unconditional parenting,( have been on 3 trouble shooting contracts for 3 seperate families who have been UP'd and had to pick up the pieces when the parents have realised it's not working, and have called in a Nanny to 'super nanny 'them back to civilisation) and so if my boss had suddenly said to me that she wanted me to treat her child differently from the way I bring up mine, I would have high tailed it out of there. I can't see that it would work, if your nanny has a totally different parenting style to your ideals. I can't bear to see wishy washy parents at a playgroup namby pamby around their children as the children run several thousand rings around their parents! And so if I were to be asked to look after a child and implement this life-style, it just would not work. You need to find a nanny who has the same life style ideals as you.

For your specific circs: no.

1. She is not a 'pro', so it is a bit much to expect her to learn different styles of childcare.

2 ) If you think your dc will be co fused being cared for differently by nanny and mummy, then her dc will think she is plain barmy if she has a total style change in your house

3. UP is very..... Nuanced . You really can't micromanage it from afar, the way you can lay down other guidelines like, say, freshly made food, or daily walks.

4. I can't see how you can UP a toddler and hold down a job. With the best childcare, they will sometimes say 'I want mummy to stay home'.

5. Respectfully, I'm not sure you have enough experience with parenting (and particularly UP) to be able to lay down such an extreme option onto someone else.

"unconditional parenting"

OMG I've heard it all now

Btw - I see your later post - I find my CM is far more UP than I am. She is a grandmother, and I think that makes her far more mellow (she is v experienced and good at the gentle persuasion, where I would fall back onto direct orders). because there is a group of kids, they move 'in a pack' - which somehow in my CMs house seems to translate into a lot of self-regulation within the group of kids. Eg, if 2 have an argument, a 3rd will often chip in to arbitrate.