Finding it so hard that DD prefers spending time with nanny

[terf]

I looked after my daughter till she was 18 months before hiring a nanny so I could work from home. DD turns two soon and I've found that especially recently she loves spending time with her nanny. It really frustrates me. Initially I was so glad that she got on with her nanny and didn't need her mummy as much so I could get on with my work. But now I feel irritated. I guess it doesn't help that I'm around at home during the day. I also feel that sometimes the nanny is a bit possessive over my daughter. I'm guessing she's just doing it as part of her routine, but sometimes I'd like to take over lunch but every time I am involved in lunchtime the nanny is itching to take over. Also sometimes I'll call my daughter over and have reading time together but the nanny comes calling and takes my daughter away. I explained to her that when I'm with my daughter I would like to be left alone with her. From her point of view I'm guessing she perhaps thinks my daughter is getting in the way of my work.
Now I try and spend the time after my daughter's nap with her but as soon as she hears any noise from the front room she knows its her nanny and goes off to her.
I'm left feeling a bit hurt and also I can't help but think I need to distance myself from my daughter - of course that's an impossible task.
Anyone have any words of advice?

why are you not working at these times?

I think a lot of people struggle with this. Of course you want your dd to be happy and love her nanny, but equally it makes you feel a bit jealous.

I think you'r eprobably right that the nanny thinks she needs to keep your dd from disturbing you so you can work. Why not agree set things eg 3 lunches you do with dd (or however many), set times for reading etc so the nanny knows where she stands and your dd gets used to the routine and looks forward to time she knows is spent with you?

You don't need to distance yourself from your daughter, you need to have an honest chat with your nanny.

Your DD likes her nanny. She is fun to be with, and that is great. But you are her mother, she loves you, you will always be her mother.

Talk to your nanny. Tell her that you are glad that she has such a good relationship with your DD and that you are happy with her work.

If you want to have a set time with your DD, then arrange this with the nanny - this is your break time from your work and you want to spend it with your DD.

Can you offer your nanny an hour off work after lunch? So that it is clear that it is mummytime not nannytime?

I think it is quite hard for the nanny (who sounds like she is doing a great job) - you pay her to look after your child so it is confusing (for all of you) if you want to dip in and out of the caring role - what if you are reading to your DD and then you get an urgent work call - you would then expect nanny to be immediately available.

I know it's not easy - but be grateful that you have a confident little girl who is happy to spend her time with the nanny - you presumably get lots of time before and after work and at the weekends? I can remember the first time I collected my DS from his child minder - he cried because he didn't want to come home .

The nanny normally takes her break while DD is sleeping. I'm a freelancer so my work load varies - which means I dont have to be working a full 8 hours a day.
It's also a bit unusual as the nanny has a child of her own she left overseas (he's taken care of by her mother there) so she can come and make money here. I sometimes feel she's a bit possessive of my daughter - like if I call my DD to come to me she doesn't let her go. It's lead to a bit of tension. I dont know - I'm in two minds as it is hard to find someone that your child gets on with, but at the same time I'm not sure if I'm happy with the arrangement. I've had a word with her about letting her go - but she got so upset about it. If I was honest I'd only have her on part-time - but since we hired her on a full-time basis we're keeping her on as such. I've also got another one on the way so I know I'll need help with the baby comes along.
I find it frustrating as well because despite having words with her about wanting to spend my time with DD she doesn't seem to fully grasp what I'm trying to say and still gets in the way when I'm trying to have my time with DD.
I now basically shut myself in my room and let them play together during the day, even though at times I really want to be with my daughter. It doesn't help though that recently when I do try and play with my daughter she doesn't want to play with me!

I have to say I think your nanny sounds fab (and she must be in an incredibly difficult position having left her own child overseas) - when you read some of the posts on Mumsnet you can see all sorts of problems with nannies ! It sounds as though she is working really hard caring for your daughter.

Would it help if you could ask her to do housework at set times rather than childcare? Otherwise I think you will just have to accept the situation, particularly with the new baby on the way.

oh, it does sound difficult.

Are you worried that your nanny is using your DD as an ersatz child, because she misses her own child so much?

Once the new baby arrives, you will be glad that your DD has a good relationship with her nannny, I don't think that ti would do any of you good to let her go at the moment.

The birth of a sibling is an unsettling time for a child, your DD needs the stability of her nanny.

Initially there were a lot of tears because she missed her son so much. We were the first job she took after leaving him. It does leave us in a difficult position.
I tried interacting with my daughter just then but she kept running over to the nanny and giving her kisses and cuddles. Ah, it does hurt.... Will try and put on a brave face.

I think you're lucky to have such a good nanny. I have a lovely CM and my children have been with her since they were 5 months. I know they have a lot of fun with her but there's no point in being jealous. (Preferences happen, even when its between which parent a child appears to like best.)

I'd talk to the nanny when you don't have so much work on and give her some time to herself (a couple of hours off, say).

if you know you don't have much work one week could you say to your nanny that she only needs to work mornings etc then you can work then and spend time with your daughter in the afternoon when the nanny has gone home? - obv. making clear you will still be paying nanny full time?

Or, extending on fairimum's idea - could she possibly do nursery duties during those afternoons and let you and DD spend time together?

Our DS goes back and forth between preferring Dh and I and it's always just a short phase of a few weeks or so.

:( that your nanny had to leave her own child.

Hiya as a nanny myself i understand your thinking, but from a nannys point of view and having experienced it first hand, It can be very hard when parents are working from home. It will never be a case that your daughter loves and cares for her nanny more then you. But i think you have to take it into consideration that the nanny is there to do her job. And it can lead to mix signals from the child not knowning whos in charge and who is looking after her. I think if its bothering you that much your starting to feel jealous like suggested you do need to set out a weekly time where you spend time with your daughter and ask your nanny to run a errand give your daughters room a deep clean etc..

If this was Daddy doing what 'Nanny' is doing how would you feel - what would you say to him?

As far as your DD is concerned she has 3 parents, she's little - that's how it should be. She doesn't understand that it upsets you.

You are (understandably) trying to have your cake and eat it too, but you can't expect your nanny to push your daughter away when she comes to her.

As for her calling her when she is with you that is something that you do need to talk about, explain that you are happy for her to be with you and you will let her know if you need to go and work that while you are spending time together she's free to have a sit down and a read of her book (she's not a cleaner, skivvy or anything else). If you know you wont be needing her for the rest of the day, let her go early.

As for lunchtimes - why do you need to 'take over' why not all just have lunch together?

I think you need to embrace the fact that they get on so well and not be jealous of it. However, it's hard to change how you feel. You do need to work through it in your own head though before you do anything because you will soon have a baby who will need a lot of time and attention and knowing that DD is happy with her nanny will be invaluable, also you will be able to hand the baby over to the nanny and spend time with DD. I think if you give it a bit of time you will see it for the godsend it is! If not, you can always make her redundant or part time later on.

My Bosses sometimes work from home. DB seems to prefer that I'm around - he gets to have 10 mins rough and tumble then chill. MB I think prefers me to disappear. If she's home we tend to have lunch together - I tend to just sit there and feel like a spare part - BUT Mum and baby are happy. If mum wants to play then i busy myself around them, letting mum know if I'm off to a different room. We haven't discussed it formally, and i'll probably check I'm doing the right in my review - but it seems to work well.

I think you sound like a bit of a nightmare to work for to be honest! I hate situations were the boundaries are blurred - works best when it's clear what the roles are, who is in charge, you work and nanny does childcare. I never take jobs where parents work from home for this very reason.

I think you have to set clear boundaries. Times when you're 'on duty', times when your nanny is. Its incredibly hard for a nanny if you just drop in and drop out like that. Not very easy for your DD either. I work from home 1 day a week and on those days I leave the house in just the same way as if I'm going to the office, work in a cafe etc and come back when she's taken DCs out or just go up to my office and work with door shut so that kids don't know I'm there. They're much happier being clear on when its a nanny day or time with me otherwise it all just gets too upsetting and confusing for them. And of course you will do things slightly differently to your nanny and so it'll be hard for her to 'discipline' (for want of a better word) your DD with you present. Our nanny told me when she started working with us that she'd never work for someone who worked from home because of the very issues you worry about. She's been with us for a few years now, is part of our family, yet when I started working from home I was very careful to respect her role within our household and find a way not to tread on her toes.

Well I dont know if I sound like a nightmare! I think you're all coming from a childminder/nanny perspective and I was hoping to hear from someone who could provide some advice to a parent who has been the sole carer for a child from the day she was born till only a few months ago. From a mother's perspective it's very hard to let go. I've spoken to a few mummy friends who admit they cry in such situations and others who refuse to have childminders for that very reason. Of course we don't all have the choice to not work.
I do agree that I'm lucky my child has bonded, but it hasnt been easy for me having someone else in my house 8 hours a day. Plus with this particular lady there have been plenty of situations that have been difficult, emotional outbursts on her part, calling overseas without telling us, some days she's in a bit of a mood, ignoring DD on a couple occasions, suddenly losing her ability to speak english when I'm questioning her about something. I agree she's got it difficult because of her situation with her son being back at home but she made the choice to leave him and work here. I have asked her if it wouldn't be better for her to go home but she says no.
In any case for the ones who have provided sensible advice thank you. I hope that soon we are all able to find a way of working together.

I think you should be happy that she loves her nanny. I've felt hurt too when my son has preferred his nanny over me at times, but ultimately I'm just so grateful he feels loved by so many people and enjoys his time with them.

It sounds like your situation is pretty intense and prone to become emotional since you are both in the house and for the other reasons you've just mentioned.

I agree that making it clear when you do want time with your DD is crucial.

Terf - it sounds like that you have issues with your nanny beyond the problem you brought up in your OP. Its not easy for any of us to leave our kids and go to work. But in my experience the only way it can work is if you're absolutely happy with your childcare. Which it sounds like you're not. Perhaps you'd be better off with a childminder out of the house or a nursery? Or a different nanny.

I'm a nanny employer. I wouldn't accuse you of being a nightmare to work for.

From your last post, your nanny does sound like she has some issues though. That's a separate issue from your separation anxiety. Have you thought about replacing her? You say she got upset when you mentioned letting her go, but that's no reason to keep a nanny. You're in an emotionally difficult place and you shouldn't have to worry about nanny's emotional issues as well (unless of course you are very keen on keeping her).

I guess I keep her on because of one reason - my daughter loves her and I'm afraid that it wont be easy to find someone she likes as much. Before I got a nanny I would often go to the local park and see so many terrible nannies in charge of these poor kids and I felt bad for the kids and also for the parents because they probably had no idea. But the one thing I like about this lady is that for some reason I can trust her with my daughter and the main reason I can do that of course is because how close my daughter is to her. It feels like a complex situation that I dont know how to completely deal with - not helped with working and being pregnant and dealing with separation anxiety on my part! Plus we dont have any family here so no back up option.

As a nanny I have been in your nannies position and I would suggest you sit down with her and discuss your daughters schedule ie what groups/classes she attends, her nap times etc and then work out when you can fit one on one time in with dd whilst the nanny does other jobs.

That way the nanny knows that on Monday she has between 8 and 1130 to spend with dd then you will all sit down and have lunch together. After lunch she can do nursery duties whilst dd sleeps and then give her a snack when she wakes up. Then between 3 and 3.45 she can prepare supper as dd will be with you. Then she has sole care again until 6.

On Wednesday she has her from 8-9 then you will do an activity with her between 9 and 9.45 then the nanny is in sole charge until 4.30 when it's shared care till 6.

It just means your nanny can better plan her day, and she also knows what she's supposed to be doing.

I used to work until 5.30 each night but mb would be home about 5 and I would find it hard to work out if I was supposed to stop the child from going to see her until 5.30, extract him if he did go upstairs whilst I was checking dinner or if he was ok to play upstairs with her whilst she got changed.

I think that you put the nanny in a difficult position and you need to make clear boundries and take lifeinagoldfishbowls advice. It is very difficult if she doesn't know that you are available at a certain time one Tues but not the next Tues and it is different from a Wed etc.

I worked for some mothers who got quite pissed off that their child would rather be with me but that is what happens when you work 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. It is a good thing that your dd is happy with her nanny and rather than being "possessive" the nanny is probably trying to get on with her job. Plenty of times employers have complained about the nanny letting the child stay with them when it is during the nanny working hours.

You need to talk to her, nicely and say that you are really pleased that BabyTerf and herself are so fond of each other and is she happy with everything. Then talk to her about the things that are bothering you but not the fondness between them. Things like what you want at certain times, lunch, etc.

Nanny is either in charge or she isn't. You can't have it both ways without talking about it and both of you being clear on what the rules are.

When I was a nanny if either parent came home early I would assume I was still in charge but not undermind or interfere if the parent did anything. Ultimately the child is theirs.

I havent read all the replies but am commenting from your original post. I am a nanny myself. I think your nanny is in a difficult position also, if my mb came home or was home i would be doing things for the child etc as im still working and wouldnt want them to think im not doing my job. I also think its hard for the nanny to be in the situation where they want her instead of the parent. My charges never want me to go home but what is the nanny suppose to do?Im not sure if you do this or not but I would suggest that you say to the nanny that they could have say an hour off at lunchtime or whenever while you spend a bit of time with your little one.