Finding it so hard that DD prefers spending time with nanny

[terf]

I looked after my daughter till she was 18 months before hiring a nanny so I could work from home. DD turns two soon and I've found that especially recently she loves spending time with her nanny. It really frustrates me. Initially I was so glad that she got on with her nanny and didn't need her mummy as much so I could get on with my work. But now I feel irritated. I guess it doesn't help that I'm around at home during the day. I also feel that sometimes the nanny is a bit possessive over my daughter. I'm guessing she's just doing it as part of her routine, but sometimes I'd like to take over lunch but every time I am involved in lunchtime the nanny is itching to take over. Also sometimes I'll call my daughter over and have reading time together but the nanny comes calling and takes my daughter away. I explained to her that when I'm with my daughter I would like to be left alone with her. From her point of view I'm guessing she perhaps thinks my daughter is getting in the way of my work.
Now I try and spend the time after my daughter's nap with her but as soon as she hears any noise from the front room she knows its her nanny and goes off to her.
I'm left feeling a bit hurt and also I can't help but think I need to distance myself from my daughter - of course that's an impossible task.
Anyone have any words of advice?

I am a cm but a mum as well and totally understand where you are coming from here... but it is your problem and it doesnt lie with your dd or your nanny.. be honest..

you have to communicate with your lovely nanny and have clear times when you and your dd are together...

be careful though.. you dont want to loose her...

and pehaps show a tad more empathy as she has had to leave her child behind..if this seems hard for you, god knows how it is for her and just think how nice it is that you and your dd are some comfort to her..

you are her mum for life..

she wont need a nanny for that long will she.. this is a miniscule time in her life.. its not worth getting so.. tbh.. jealous..!!!

good luck..

Wow, thebody. What a great post!

The whole thing... I have nothing to add. Just, Terf, listen to her. Read it a few times. Especially the 4th paragraph/stanza(?), as that is powerful. Read that a few times.

Talk to your nanny. Best of luck. Let us know how it goes!

agree you want your cake and eat it

you arent happy that your dc wants to spend time with your nanny, yet you want her to look after her - surely you are happy that she is confident and secure with another person rather than hanging onto your ankles and screaming

working from home causes problems if you dont make the boundaries clear from day 1

is she a sole charge nanny and can make plans to do things, or is it shared care role?

you need to let her get on with your job,imagine how you would feel if your boss was peering over your shoulder and then interfering - as that is what you are doing

my mb worked from home today, i carried on as normal, kids said hello to her back from school,then left her to work as that is what she was doing - and we did the usual playing/homework/tea etc

if you can not leave your nanny to it then you must work out of the house- starbucks is nice :)

your dd does not love you any less just because she loves her nanny - think of her love as an elastic band - it just stretches and expands with more people she loves

I am a parent and I feel for you. Sometimes it's hard to admit something is not quite right and put your finger on exactly what it is. Does your nanny have a UK nanny qualification? I'm sure the nannies on here will correct me if I am wrong, but I think they must learn something about child behaviour and the family unit? or may be I've just been lucky with the 2 nannies we have had...anyway the point I am trying to make is that it doesn't sound like your nanny is really respecting the family bond. It's never something I have had to discuss with our nannies, but before I had my first nanny I was terrified DD would bond with her more than me or I would be jealous, but I was completely relieved to find the nanny was utterly professional and whilst she built an excellent bond with DD (and yes DD would often prefer to go to her!), never once did I feel I wasn't Mummy.

I would say it isn't you and it just isn't working - a good professional nanny wouldn't make you feel like this and will work with you and the times you want to be around. I agree it isn't the ideal time to change nannies, but I would get on and do it before the baby arrives. You will be amazed how quickly your DD adapts.

i would say she doesnt have a uk qual, possibly no quals at all - may possibly be a Philippine lady as have met several recently who have moved country and left their child/ren with gp's so can earn a wage over here as a nanny/hk and then send money home

Hi, I have had 2 nanny jobs where the Mum worked from homme..only 1 really worked as the boundaries were set out from the beggining..children knew that Mummy would pop in at lunch time to see them for 15mins but also they knew that I was still in charge.eg maybe had asked for a treat and been told No, Mum would always back me up.children always knew where they stood.
other job Mum would sometimes have office door shut, child would open door whilst Mum on business calls, I would have to remove him(usually crying) from there. Other days she would welcome him if not on phone, other days door open!!! sometimes when I put him down for his nap she would go into him(and hype him up!! then would be grumpy when woken for school run) ALL very confusing for the little one ands frustrating for me!!
If everyone knows where they are then life is much simpler!!
Good Luck

Sounds more like an aupair than a nanny. I am sure it is not easy for her knowing when you are going to appear. I am in this situation at the moment, my next job will be sole charge as the hardest thing about my job is mum at home with bits of advice. I chose and trained to be a nanny and I feel I should be left to get on with it as it is what I know.

Terf it must be hard if your dd wants to go with the nanny, but you should do your job and let her do hers. Iam sure your dd knows you are her mum and loves you and no one can take your place.

I have a live-in nanny as my DH works away for much of the year and I do shift work and unsociable hours.

I understand the jealousy thing - my nanny is lovely and the kids love her to death. I used to worry that they loved her more than me. But it's not true. The reason you're daughter loves to be with the nanny is because the nanny probably devotes every minute to her whim whereas you are probably stricter and don't give in so much! If my kids want something like yoghurts from the fridge or biscuits, they always go to their nanny because they know she will usually give it to them no questions asked whereas I am mean mummy

As you are spending so much time at home, I really think you need to make more of an effort to work as a team with your nanny. There shouldn't be a situation where you "take over" your DD's care and the nanny disappears until you, presumably, are ready to go back to work which is awkward for all the reasons you describe. For example, can't you cook lunch together - perhaps get your nanny to cook something from her own country.

I think the problem here is your own relationship with your nanny which needs to be worked on. But it can be done - my nanny and i get on each others nerves at times but we share housework and work together to look after the children.

your daughter rather than you're daughter. It's after midnight, must go to bed now...

Good guess Blondeshavemorefun, she is from the Philippines and no she doesn't have UK quals. Thanks all for the advice. Particularly liked trying to set specific times for when I look after DD and she does other tasks. I think I'm going to draw up a timetable. We kind of have an unwritten one, but it might be better to have it on paper.
Hope it works out, if it doesn't though I would rather let her go before the next one arrives but hope it doesn't come down to that.

out of curiosity why do you employ a Philippine lady rather than local nanny?

to me she isnt a proper nanny iyswim - and i dont mean to offend here, but a lady who is working looking after children

either way,hope you get it sorted, but it is VERY hard for her to know what she is meant to be doing,ie making sure your dd doesnt disturb you when working or allowing dd to come and see you whenever she wants

the latter just doesnt work when parents work from home as the child gets confused why sometimes she can see you and others she cant, if on the phone etc

I think if the Phillipine lady is living in the local area then she is a 'local nanny' surely?

terf I feel for you. I always see some nannies respond to these type of issues by going on about it being their place of work etc etc, but what they're not taking into account is that for a lot of people, it is circumstances rather than preferences that result in someone choosing to have a nanny, so yes, if you're at home you want to see your daughter. For the most part, think if these nannies were to put themselves in the shoes of parents they wouldn't make some of the comments that they make.

I work from home a couple of times a week, and I initially struggled with wanting to spend a few minutes with DD but my nanny would "take her away from me". I resolved this by firstly, recognising where she is coming from, i.e. she is just doing her job and that she was probably worried I would think she wasn't doing her job if she took every opportunity to offload DD to me. Secondly, I had an open and honest conversation with her where I told her that I just want to spend as much time with DD as possible and its hard for me to be in the house and not just want to play with her all day. I said that occasionally, I will drop downstairs and say hello for a few minutes or have lunch with them etc. The end result is that it doesn't awkward for either of us when I do "drop by". You might want to try and do the same thing, rather than try and schedule a timetable of when you will see her?

Terf - can I say that it's absolute rubbish that it will be hard to find another nanny that your DC will bond with! I know it feels like that, but it just isn't the case.

I was having issues with my nanny and really worried how they would take to someone new. Well in the end it was a very unpleasant dismissal because I had faffed around so long and had really lost my patience. I changed to a CM and the children switched so quickly it was unbelievable. I was incredibly surprised how quickly they settled into it all.

Perhaps a newly qualified nanny who could be a nanny/mother's help? Then it's clear that for part of the time, they are in the house to help you and the other times they are the sole care nanny.

Noticeofthe day..I think that if parents put themselves in our postion then they too might see where us nannies are coming from..the parents don't see the upset child when 'taken'away from their parent(when they have to go back to work) or when they have to go swim lessons, playdates that have already been arranged!!! We have to deal with the upset child.
I of course understand that the parent sometimes has to work through necessity and if at home would like to see their child.
But in the interests of their child understanding and not being confused or upset then think where possible it is better to arrange a time which suits everyone!!
Hope it all works out for you Terf.

I used to have a nanny and worked from home some days. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer as to how things should work when the parent is at home but there does need to be agreement between parent and nanny. I found a nanny who was happy for me to spend time with my child whenever I wanted, and the arrangement worked very well. Quite a few nannies I interviewed weren't keen on this though and whilst I could see things from their point of view they weren't right for me.

I think noviceofthedays suggestions about explaining things to her are very good. I would also think how you want things to work once you have the baby and talk that through with her as well.

If she won't work with you in the way you want, I would change nanny and find some-one who will - maybe a mother's help type might be better if you are going to be around a lot once the baby is born. I sympathise with her situation but I don't think that means you have to keep her if she is not right for you - you can give her a good reference, pay a decent notice period and help her find another job.

nanny7 I think I made it clear that the OP needed to see where the nanny might be coming from. To repeat.... I understand that a lot of the time people dont understand where the nanny is coming from. Equally, I also see a lot of responses dont seem to (or want to) understand that some parents want to see their child even if for a few minutes during the day.

I also think that if it is the norm that if mummy is at home she might drop by, then it becomes not a big deal for everyone. I would also add that I am careful to tell DD where I am going and the fact that nanny is going to play with her when I leave the room. She rarely gets upset and will usually just say goodbye. On the rare occasions that she does get upset, I will stay for a litle longer. I guess each for their own, but I genuinely don't see why I should make an appointment to see my child but equally I recognise that it is important not to leave a problem behind for nanny to sort out.

I agree with Beanimum..... I don't think I realised how important it was to me to be able to spend those odd snatched minutes with DD when I was interviewing for a nanny but having seen similar threads on here, I realise that if I was ever hunting again, that this is something that I would ask about at interview stage. If a potential nanny had a problem with it, then we probably wouldn't be the right fit for each other so I wouldn't offer her the job.

sorry novice..its good that it works for you!Guess I had an unlucky experience where it was never understood by the children as the Mum didn't ever explain it to them!! and was never consistant!!

sorry novice..its good that it works for you!Guess I had an unlucky experience where it was never understood by the children as the Mum didn't ever explain it to them!! and was never consistant!!

nanny7 no worries! Tbh I only learned how to handle the situation from being on here and realising that it was a big deal for nannies (because people like you were good enough to say so)..... and I can totally understand why this is the case if you get left with a nightmare to deal with! I think because people do have the bad experience, I tend to see that the default advice(understandably) is for parents to leave the nanny to it, which is why I wanted to offer an alternative way forward for terf.

Thanks Novice..think its so important to have good communication with parents and nannys, at the end of the day both want the same which is a happy child.
I just had one experience where the Mum obviously wanted this but on her terms only, which just led to confusion and upset children and a disgruntled Nanny with a( very unnecessary) soggy shoulder!!!
I think its lovely that parents can see/play with their children during the day whilst working from home.If only all parents could think like you!!

Just noticed this thread and have mixed feelings. It can be incredible difficult to nanny with mum or for that matter dad around!
\a nanny is not a mothers help and it undermines us when a parent doesn't back us up.
One of my mims who was home would always say "ask nanny she's in charge today" but another was a nightmare always changing her mind about what the child could or could not do! I always prefer sole charge as it works better.
Would you prefer it if your child didn't want to be with the nanny?
You are the mother and your child will always love you There is nothing so difficult as a job where you are always trying to avoid treading on the toes of a jealous parent.