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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

I'm really ticked off about this and don't know how to handle it.

34 replies

jabberwocky · 02/10/2005 22:29

Very sticky situation here. We have a part-time nanny who is also a friend of ours socially. She is even in a women's circle of mine that is quite small and close-knit, although I am closer to two of the others. Anyway, I am feeling more and more like she is just going a bit too far in her relationship with ds. As an example, we went to a party last night and Nanny was there. Now, as she had worked for us that day, she was well aware that I had worked all day and had only had time to go home to change before the party so had spent maybe 15 minutes with ds. She wound up totally absorbing ds for the majority of the party. Sitting with him, walking around holding him, etc. I tried various things like when he wanted a snack I said I had some crackers for him. She took him over sat down and, it felt like, "allowed" me to give my child a cracker! I was so furious. Dh doesn't want me to say anything because he likes having her and doesn't want her to get upset and quit. I am upset, but don't want to cause huge waves because of my women's group, which I really like and it meets at my house.

So, should I just put up and shut up or what?

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goldenoldie · 03/10/2005 08:48

Hold fire - wait a week or two before doing anything. Have to say it does not sound too bad to me.

Sounds like she is really interested and cares for your DS rather than treating him as just another job..................

pumpkincarrier · 03/10/2005 09:36

I am really sorry to say this Jabberwocky - but it sounds like you may be over-reacting. it sounds to me like this person is very fond of you ds, which from an objective point of view (as she is his nanny and a major provider of care) can only be a really good thing. It would be a different matter if she was indifferent to him.
Could it be that you are feeling a little jealous?
I think the best course would be to wait until you are feeling less upset and then try to be a bit more assertive - after all, he is your son and if you want to spend time with him then you shuld just assert yourself to make that happen, without getting emotional with this person and upsetting everyone concerned.
I am sorry if this seems a little harsh I don't mean to be.

staceym11 · 03/10/2005 10:10

jaberwocky, i understand how hard it can be especially if your dc reacts better to the nanny than you. but that doesnt mean shes doing anything wrong. am i right in thinking you were your sons main carer before this, because that would cause you a lot of jealousy when he spends so much time with someone else.

i think the best way to deal with it is to distinguish her work hours from social hours. explain that when you get back from work you'd like some quality time with your ds, no offence to her as she is brilliant with him, but the two of you need some alone time.

your reaction is completely normal, another woman is bearing down on your time (and relationship) with your son and its threatening, but you need to distinguish that she isnt acctually doing anything wrong, and most people would see it as just caring for your ds.

saadia · 03/10/2005 10:12

this is a difficult one. On the one hand it's nice that she wants to look after him, even when she's not paid to, and it may be that she wanted to show you how much she cares for him.

But if it feels to you that she is taking over then if you don't want to openly say something you will just have to be more firm and say, in a joky way, "come here ds, I've missed you I haven't seen you all day". Or even to her, just say nicely, "don't worry I'll feed him now you relax".

TrulyScrumptious · 03/10/2005 15:43

I understand where you are coming from completely. I'm in a similar situation with my dd's grandparents. They helpout me out by looking after dd while I work a few per week and of course dd loves them all.

Unfortunately, they don't seem to appreciate that I need to spend some quality time with my dd when I'm not working and they tend to 'take-over' whenever we are in their company.

Original poster

jabberwocky · 03/10/2005 19:30

Yes, I guess I have to be big about it and say I'm at least resentful, if not downright jealous. There's so much history here, too. I had terrible PND and at my absolutely lowest point, when I was literally suicidal and just before going on ADs she said to me, "I wish I could tell you it gets better, but it doesn't." That could have easily pushed me over the edge at that time. She also said," I've often wondered what I would tell (ds) later on. I guess I would just say, Well, you cried a lot when you were 6 months old." Ds was a very difficult baby, btw. But, I mean FFS was she talking about what she would do if I abandoned him or killed myself? I guess now, the least little thing sets me off. I feel like she is trying to usurp my role as his mother.

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ThePrisoner · 03/10/2005 19:40

Did you choose her as your nanny because you knew her in the first place? I think her attitude re. your PND was appalling - I had severe PND, and that's the sort of comment that would have completely tipped me over the edge.

However, your post has made me wonder if any of the parents I childmind for resent me (in the nicest possible way) when we are all together (such as at child's birthday party), if their child wants to be with me! Eek!

Original poster

jabberwocky · 03/10/2005 19:48

I had planned to advertise for someone and dh was the one who suggested we might ask her. As a caretaker for ds she has done a superb job, but as far as my situation goes sometimes I really question the decision to hire her.

Re: social situations, in the past I have always known ds would want to see her and talk to her and it's always been OK. It's just that she's never monopolized him like this before and also being fully aware that I hadn't seen him all day.

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Original poster

jabberwocky · 04/10/2005 10:21

Anyone else?

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Mum2girls · 04/10/2005 10:26

I think it's a case of mixing business with pleasure (although 'pleasure'is probably pushing it).

You may well be over-reacting, but I doubt you will change the way you feel.

If I were you, I would have to change the situation - your bond with your child is one of the strongest most important relationships. If you feel this woman is putting it at risk, then put an end to the business side of the relationship. You obviously need to make alternative childcare provision, but easier than feeling miserable and resentful.

Original poster

jabberwocky · 04/10/2005 10:34

That's the way I feel about it as well. I talked to dh about it and he can't get past the point of "Well, she's really great with ds." I'm starting with a new therapist (my PND is actually PN PTSD) today and I'm hoping that will help him to understand some things about the situation. I have requested, and he has agreed, that we do some sessions jointly.

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Earlybird · 04/10/2005 11:21

Sounds like she is very good with your son, and has his best interests at heart. Based on your description, I would tend to look at this as a single incident, rather than a overall statement that it's "the way things are". Do you really think she is trying to usurp your position as mum, or could she be nervous at parties and want something to "do" to make her feel comfortable?

Also, would gently suggest that if you want to re-connect with your son after being away all day, perhaps an evening party isn't the best setting. Please don't take that as a criticism, because it's not intended that way.

I am glad if dd manages to connect with people who truly care for her. It gives her more love in her life, and a person/child can never have too much of that. In the past, I have had feelings of jealousy/envy at the ease with which she plays with other adults, and how much she enjoys it. But, I put it down to guilt and insecurity on my part. I know dd loves me, and she knows I love her. We both need to feel secure in that love.

Does that ring true for you at all, or am I on the wrong track?

Original poster

jabberwocky · 04/10/2005 11:31

You've raised some valid point EB. We probably should not have gone to the party (I certainly didn't feel like it) but it is a couple who we are really, really close to. They have come over for Sunday brunch every week for the last 3 years, actually.

I guess it really goes back to my history with her in the bad days of PND. She also has told me frequently that being with ds is a big help to her because her ex-husband recently had a child. On the one hand, I am glad that she cares so much for ds but I don't want him to become her surrogate child IYKWIM.

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Earlybird · 04/10/2005 11:41

Well, I don't think there's anything wrong with going to a party given by close friends at the end of a workday. It just means that you didn't feel as close to your ds as you might have otherwise. But, it was only one evening and not an overall shift in your time with him.

I would tend to look at the party as an isolated incident. You must, of course, be vigilant that she is not forming an unhealthy attachment to your son. But, if that is not the case, then next time try to take a big step back, and enjoy your son and enjoy the party too!

Nightynight · 04/10/2005 12:04

I know where you are coming from Jabberwocky. SIL did the same sort of thing to me when she was looking after my ds2 while I was out at work full time. We were out for a picnic one weekend, I was happily eating a sandwich and feeding ds, and suddenly she whipped the teaspoon out of my hand and said "Let me do that, so you can concentrate on eating"
I was furious, especially as dx sided with her. It still makes me really angry thinking about it, even 5 years later. I think she did it on purpose, to try and make herself look like an angel and me look like an ungracious cow.
The fact is, it is hard to leave our children and go to work full time, and most professional child carers recognise that. This kind of incident tends to crystalise all our suppressed misery at leaving our children.
I think that your nanny was being unprofessional, even if she was motivated by affection for your ds.

Original poster

jabberwocky · 04/10/2005 12:07

Thanks, NN. I think I just really needed someone to say that. Next time, I think I will just have to make some sort of comment to let her know I want to spend time with him.

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frannykenstein · 04/10/2005 12:12

I think unfortunately the nanny is just trying to be very caring and helpful, and not realising how it is making you feel. You could gently explain that when you are around, you would like her to butt out, but to be honest I do wonder if the nanny set-up is going to work out for you. I think it is normal to have some jealousy issues with a nanny, but as you have had a rough time recently and are struggling with this situation, I think another sort of childcare might be a happier choice in the long run.

uwila · 04/10/2005 13:35

I'm afraid I have to disagree with the majority of the comments on here. I employ a nanny, and I feel very strongly that it is her place to step back when I enter the room IF I drop a subtle hint to do so. And getting crackers out of my purse myself is a bit more than subtle. My nanny does this by the way. Though I once had one that didn't. When I would come from work she would continue to monopolise DD. I think she meants well. Probably wanted to show me what DD had learned. But she didn't realise that evening time was precious and it was MINE. But it is her job to know this as a nanny. I think your expectations of your professional nanny/employer relationship are normal and justifiable.

CountessDracula · 04/10/2005 13:38

You must have a massive purse if you can fit crackers in it uwila

I'm with the majority here, actually my nanny does that a bit and I don't mind at all.

oliveoil · 04/10/2005 13:39

uwila · 04/10/2005 13:40

Furthermore, you should keep in mind (as should she) that she works for you. If don't like the way she is doing something, you have every right to ask her to change her ways (politely of course). This is one of the few benefits of being an employer. This woman is your employee, and she is therfore obliged to perform her duties in accordance with your instruction. If you ask her to step bak when she isn't on duty, then that is what she should do.

Be careful however to keep your employer relationship separate from your frindship. Employer issues should be discussed at work. Don't embarrass her in fron of mutual friends. That's not the place for this conversation.

CountessDracula · 04/10/2005 13:41

who me OO?

uwila · 04/10/2005 13:42

Oh hello CD. Should have known you'd come along to disagree...

CountessDracula · 04/10/2005 13:49

PMSL!

Original poster

jabberwocky · 04/10/2005 14:59

Thanks uwila. You've managed to convey my feelings in a much better way than I did I've always had problems asserting myself with employees but I know that I must work on this one.

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