I'm really ticked off about this and don't know how to handle it.

[jabberwocky]

Very sticky situation here. We have a part-time nanny who is also a friend of ours socially. She is even in a women's circle of mine that is quite small and close-knit, although I am closer to two of the others. Anyway, I am feeling more and more like she is just going a bit too far in her relationship with ds. As an example, we went to a party last night and Nanny was there. Now, as she had worked for us that day, she was well aware that I had worked all day and had only had time to go home to change before the party so had spent maybe 15 minutes with ds. She wound up totally absorbing ds for the majority of the party. Sitting with him, walking around holding him, etc. I tried various things like when he wanted a snack I said I had some crackers for him. She took him over sat down and, it felt like, "allowed" me to give my child a cracker! I was so furious. Dh doesn't want me to say anything because he likes having her and doesn't want her to get upset and quit. I am upset, but don't want to cause huge waves because of my women's group, which I really like and it meets at my house.

So, should I just put up and shut up or what?

Hi jabberwocky, seen your post earlier and have been thinking of how to put my reply! I worked as a nanny long long ago and something similiar happened to me. When the little girls mum came home at night I tried to keep a distance to let mum have her time ( and so I could have mine) but the little girl always sought me out to play with her. So I would play with her and then one night the mum went mad at me, shouting this is my time. Now I could understand her feeling angry, but the child spent all day with me and some might say inevitably went to me in the evening. Maybe your ds is used to her and feels comfortable going to her? Not that I'm saying in any way he doesn't want you, as his mum you are number one in his life and please don't ever doubt it. But if you feel she'e overstepping the mark, perhaps some alternative childcare should be arranged? It all sounds a bit too close for comfort. My situation came about as I nannied full time 12 hours a day with sole charge, if your nanny is only part time maybe she needs reminded you only need her for when your working.

Good luck, sorry for the waffle!!

Also your nanny was on show ...what would have your thoughts have been if she had totally ignored your family. Myself I never attend paties, functions where my bosses go, only if I am on duty.
I really don't think your nanny mean't any harm, yes a little later on have a word explain you were a little jealous etc & point out you knew it was not her/his intention but it did. You can point this out because you should have a good relationship with your nanny and can also say poss with compliment You are greatful that nanny has a great repore with your child. (an experienced nanny will take this on board).
All the best.

It would be difficult for your child to understand the differing boundaries imo, if you are both in the room together. Its good your child has such a great relationship with their carer. Thats the important thing.

I dont have direct experience but my mum used to childmind and regularly found it difficult sometimes to explain to annoyed parents that their child will run to her when they are upset etc etc because they are with her for most of their waking time. It doesnt mean they love their parents less, its just what they are used to. You cant explain that to a child imo so the parents just need to get their heads round it.

The PND thing is a whole other issue really, Im not sure what her intentions were by saying that to you.

I know it can be confusing for children. I've never been upset when ds went to her at times when we were out, it's just that she's never before seemed this possessive, for lack of a better word. And, the thing is, she only comes for a 1/2 day about 3, occasionally 4, days a week. The rest of the time ds is with either me or dh as he works from home and I work part-time. So, it's not like, say ssd's situation where she was really the primary caregiver at 12 hours a day. (Quite the work schedule btw, ssd!)

tell me about it!!

would it be worth discreetly looking into different forms of childcare? Maybe a childminder would accomodate those hours you described. Reading between the lines it sounds like there's too much history with you and this woman, a clean break sounds healthy and just see her socially when you alone are in charge of your child.

How has she been this week?

I took an extra day off this week, as I'm working extra next week, so she won't come again until tomorrow. I did, however, for the first time in 2 years forget and scheduled her for yesterday She has another part-time job where she sets her own hours, so I asked nicely if she thought she could work there instead when she showed up yesterday morning. She said yes, but was obviously reluctant to leave ds. Dh even commented about it, saying he wondered if something was going on with her. It does make me wonder about an unhealthy attachment to ds but I am going to have to tread very carefully here as we live in such a small community.

How old is your DS? Could you say it is time for him to get some exposer/socialisation with other children his age (or even other children that are not his age) and therefore you want to consider a childminder?

I do agree that this is a bit weird. I had a nanny once who used to argue with me about what was best for DD, as if she had equal claims to DD. I found to be one step to far. Of course you want your child's carer to love them, but you also want them to know when to step back and let youmake the decision. It's a fine line, but a good nanny posesses the skill to know when to take charge and when to step back.

Is this woman an experienced nanny? Or just a friend who was available to look after your ds?

exposer? oh jeez, meant "exposure"

I think you have hit on part of the problem, uwila. I don't know that she has done this type of work before. Until now, it has been working out pretty well as far as her doing things that were good for ds developmentally, especially when I had PND. But, yes, it may be time to try to find another situation.