Have you ever shouted at your nanny? Or been shouted at as a nanny?

[katherinewheel]

This week has been awful. I have a wonderful job that I put 100% in to and love the children to bits.

I wont go in to details about what happened as its a long complicated story thats been blown hugely out of proportion, basically a misunerstanding. (Thats agreed on both sides)

Had 3 discussions. 1. Employer raised her voice and used the words "I will be pissed off at you" She says this was flippant not offensive. I am quite sensitive so I could accept thats her way.

1. Employer leaned accross a low table and shouted in an aggresive manner waving his hands telling me he was angry. (Female boss told him to back off and has herself used the words "shouted and aggressive" when talking about the way he spoe to me.

1. Next day was appologised to but feels like implied it was my fault he did that. Where as I think even if it had been something I had done then theres a way to ask me to clarify a point (which I could easily!) When I explained I was still upset employer became exasperated and raised voice and said I would just have to get over it and people speak to each other like that in her work.

I am devastated, I love my job. I just want to erase the last week. I am 100% committed to them and would do anything for them. I feel so upset, especially as I thought they respected me.

Is it acceptable to shout at your nanny? I have had a number of nanny jobs and never had a voice raised at me once, let alone been shouted at.

As a general rule, it is never desirable to shout at ANY staff. But.... life is life, and sometimes things get to people and voices are raised.

I have raised my voice at my nanny, but haven't 'shouted'. My nanny has also raised her voice at me. But then I work from home part time and we see each other a lot more than other parents would see their nannies.

I think you do just have to get over it, but you also need to make it clear what is acceptable or not acceptable to you. If they raise their voice beyond what you think is acceptable then you need to decide how to deal with it, eg step away, walk away, whatever - but you need to make it clear what your actions will be so that your employers are aware.

Course, we don't know why they got so pissed off at you.....!!!!

I don't think it's ever acceptable to shout at anyone in a work/professional environment.

How can you love your job when the people you work for treat you so badly?

If I had been treated by a superior at work the way you have been I would be involving HR by now.

They should not be shouting at you or acting aggressively. It's completely inappropriate. And I say that as a shouter.

You are their employee. They don't get to bully you.

Do you want to continue working for them?

If you're a good and experienced nanny, I'd be looking for an alternative appointment TBH.

"people speak to each other like that in her work" - that may well be the case but do they speak like that at home, where their children can hear?

Everyone is human and a typical reaction to some situations may be to raise the voice.

I would say it's bang out of order, but then we don't know what you've done! (Why was he angry?)

Do they shout at each other? Are they going through a particularly stressful time?

If they don't want yo to shout at thier DC, they shouldn't shout at you.

chitchat I have done nothing wrong it was a simile misunderstanding over an appointment date in the future. I have provided letters for this. DB got wrong end of stick and instead of asking me to clarify - I could have done so instantly by going to my car and fetching hosp notes - he shouted.

I can get over the voice raised, put it down to stress etc.

It was the scary shouting. When I say love my job I mean I loved it befor ths week and would love this week to not have happened.

We have never had any issues about anything in the past, never been late or anything. I am totally disctressed by this. I feel like I am being made to feel like I am over reacting but being shouted at like that really frightened me. I felt intimidated and burst in to tears.

Was this an argument over you not being available because you have a hospital appointment?

Because if it was, they are shits.

This is what good bosses say when they hear you have a hospital appointment:

"please don't feel any stress at all about taking this time off, we'll sort it out. Your health is the most important consideration here."

Had I driven children with no car seats/dressed a child in summer clothes in November or something I could understand.

I honestly dont think I did anything wrong. And even if I wasnt entirely clear (unintentionally) then I think a simple queston to clarify would have been sufficient.

I cant stress how intimidating this was. I havent eaten properly since or slept.

I am a regular by the way (fishyone, nice ham, red rug.)

I feel no one will believe me how unreasonable the shouting was because I am the lowly nanny and so must be wrong. I do feel bullied in that I cant tell anyone, feel no one will believe me and feel if I address it again it will only get worse.

Of course people will believe you.

Nannies are not lowly.

Being bullied at work is very, very stressful. It's such a big part of your life that it can make you ill very quickly.

What do you want to do to get this sorted?

Is it salvageable or would you prefer to hand in your notice?

spidookily. I had arranged (free) cover (well the offer of cover obviously they were free to reject it) as my nanny friend owed me a favour. And offered to take dc with me too instead.

Actually I might as well just explain was going to keep it vague but I understand that looks like I am hiding something. Will keep it brief, do feel free to ask me to clarify though (dont shout ) as I can do so its just a long story so will condence.

Have appt for heart monitor, on 17th. Arranged cover for this with nanny friend, no cost to boss.

Then as still having chest pain following chest infecion and having had xray show something on lung. Asked to go back to gp as felt tight chested and breathless. Phoned gp and wanted me in right away. I declined and arrranged an appontment at a sauitable time for work (ie didnt interfere with childrens regular activities) arranged cover (again with my nanny friend who knows children well and at no cost to boss)

There was some confusion over what dates were what and that I was "changing my story" This is not true imo. Its just to me when I was talking I knew what I meant obviously it wasnt clear to DB but no way deliberate, I would NEVER do that. Have hosp letters to prove. And on 2nd appintmwnt would come back with a heart monitor attached so hardly faking!!!

Btw ended up admitted to hosp and diagnosed with asthma. So that explains why I been so ill and that I was justified to ask to go, I really was feeling breathless etc. I dont ask for time off lightly

Do you have any nanny friends? Can you go and off load on them?

As you burst into tears, and DB apologised, I think he knew he went to far. On monday morning pretend this week never happened, and carry on as usual. Hopefully he will never behave like this again.

Try and have a lovely weekend.

Sorry, x-posted.
under the circumstances he was well out of order.

xpost. spi I would have liked responsibility accepted for shouting. Was appologised to but in a "sorry you feel that way" and its because he was tired, hugry, stressed etc. And because you werent clear.

IMO even if I wasnt clear (and I accept I wasnt but not on purpose was an error of judgement about his understanding of situation) the that doesnt mean shouting is ok. Catching me force feeding a child cold sardines = ok shouting. Being confused about my medical appojtments = ask for clarification calmly.

But what do YOU want to do? You CAN'T erase the last week obviously. So how do you move on?

Options:
It continues like this, with maybe the occasional 'shouty' session.
You leave because you don't ever want to be shouted at
You make it clear to them that you found the shouting very intimidating and if they do it again you will either a) need to resign or b) walk away from the situation until they get their tempers under control and will refuse to continue the discusion until that point.

Maybe there are other options but I can't think of any right now!

chitchat tbh I dont know.

I feel a bit like I have had a hugr fight with a boyfriend. Everythings been great and wonderful then you find out he cheats on you. Do you move away or accet appology and try again because track record been excellent?

Maybe bad example but I am in the "How could he cheat??" stage and am struggling to think past. Thats why I wanted to ask some opinions. Have chatted to best friend, also a nanny and another nanny friend and a nanny aquaintance who I have known for years, shes very blunt and she scares me a bit as shes very loyal but will tell me truth not what I want to hear/sugar coat it. And she said I didnt deserve at all to be shouted at.

I cant think straight just now. Feel tired, stressed, not eating properly, cant sleep and on top of that feel tight chested and trying to learn how to use meds to help me breathe. All in all been a crappy week. Thanks all btw for replies.

You can't work for people that awful.

They shouted at you because you needed time off for appointments to investigate a worrying health problem?

When you had arranged cover for your absence?

And they basically accused you of lying?

What are your options for other work?

Can you afford to just walk out?

Because in your position that's what I'd be inclined to do unless it was going to put me in the workhouse.

Nobody should be treated the way you have been.

You're right - they have treated you as a lowly nanny whose health is less important than their convenience and who is probably a liar because they are not rich.

If you are feeling tired, stressed, not eating properly, can't sleep, feel tight chested and trying to learn how to use meds... then try to not be on your own. Have someone give you some TLC over the weekend, so that you start to feel better.

Does your contract have a grievance procedure?

I'd say write a letter (as is your right) calmly explaining how you felt bullied and belittled, you attempt to communicate in a professional manner but you're sorry if they were confused, in future could they please ask calmly for clarification which you will be more than happy to provide etc.

That way if you do need to leave because you feel bullied/their behaviour is unreasonable then you have a paper trail.

seems both mb/db over reacted by shouting/im pissed off with you - i wouldnt like that :(

have you worked for the family for long? do you want to stay there?

i would write an email and send saying along the lines that you were very upset that they shouted at you,esp when you had tried not to let appointments etc interfere with your working duties and arranged cover via a friend

and see how they respond - if they apologize, then move on

but sometimes we all shout (my db can be a grump at times, tho generally as he is tired and been travelling but 99% of the time is lovely) - plus you are prob feeling under the weather anyway with health problems and more sensitive - though how they behaved was wrong!!

Intimidating behaviour is, of course, always unacceptable.

However, I'm wondering just why they reacted the way they did? It sounds like this was a strong, emotional reaction - even if it was a misunderstanding. Why do you think they reacted this way? If you can understand why this provoked such a strong emotional response it might help you to deal with it/come to terms with it.

I'm not trying to belittle how you are feeling, but you need to think beyond your own upset to pick apart what was going on in their heads.

Sorry you're feeling so unwell; it can't help matters.

"you need to think beyond your own upset to pick apart what was going on in their heads."

No, you don't need to do that.

Why not, spidookly? Miscommunication is a two-way thing, and it seems that the employers were upset too - the OP needs to understand why that might have been, to put her own feelings into perspective.

Biwi - I think Katherinewheel has thought beyond her own upset and tried to understand why she was shouted at. She has said there was some minor miscommunication about what procedures she was having and the dates.

That really doesn't sound like a reason to be shouted at. Its not good enough for an adult with whom you enjoy equal status to shout at you like that. It is really questionable and ott behaviour. I would start looking for another job immediately, but thats just me .

Never in 10 years....

had lots of "issues" (ALL amicably resolved by open discussing, where both myself and the parents firmly stuck up for our 'own sides') but we NEVER shouted.

We spoke civily, just like adults and resolved everything, so all of us were happy, always.

i don't have a nanny, nor am i a nanny, but i think that it's a strange relationship because you can't expect any DB or MB to be a 'professional' in the way you'd expect a boss in any organisation to be. Nobody is trained to be a DB or MB.

they were wrong to shout but it sounds like they're quite shouty people anyway and then they get over it quickly.. whereas you're not shouty and find it very intimdiating in a way i'm sure they didn't intend.

how long have you worked for them and is this the first shouty incident?

whether they apologise or not, if they're shouty people this is going to happen again. you need to decide if you can handle it and let it affect you less.. otherwise you need to look around.