CM club: Awful confessions... and advice needed

[Notlikingthisatall]

I'm a (fairly) regular poster, but have namechanged for this, as I'm quite ashamed of how I'm feeling, but want to get it off my chest...

I had a new baby start with me almost a month ago and I find her really unattractive. I've always thought that all babies were lovely etc and all of my previous/current mindees have been adorable - either in looks or personality, or usually both.

The new one looks really peculiar - from some angles almost normal, but from others she's just wrong looking (including an almost flat head and very piercing staring eyes). It doesn't help that she's a 'difficult' child and is hard to entertain, feed and get to sleep.

I'm doing my best to care for her as I would any other child and I'm hoping that in time I'll see more of her personality, so will notice her looks less... but at the moment I'm finding it hard to be as physically affectionate as I would normally be because of this. Obviously I'm doing my utmost to ensure that no hint of this is apparent in my manner towards the baby.

I feel like such a shallow person and I'm worried its making me ill - I've had IBS type symptoms lots over the last couple of weeks, which I've never had before. It doesn't help that taking this child has greatly increased my workload and I just don't see any upside to her at the moment (other than the money), whereas most of the mindees are sweet/cute or whatever and we have a lovely time together, which makes the work rewarding in itself.

As the baby is very hard to look after then I'm wondering about cancelling the contract within the settling in period. To make it more complicated the mum paid a retainer for 4 months before starting with me (I've turned down numerous requests from other parents during this time - not showing off, CMs are scarce round here and just saying why she paid) and the mum is back at work now, so I'd be doing her a huge disservice by doing this.

Well done if you've read this far... please don't be too mean to me as I already feel terrible and if anyone has any similar experiences or advice then I'd appreciate it.

oh my goodness

if you don't bond with the baby then this WILL affect the care you give and this could affect the baby's development

So a few questions -

How old is the baby?

What do you find difficult asbout caring for her?

Hi first of all it is probably good for you to be honest as it least then you will be able to make an informed decision.

What has the mother told you about this child.
Was there any trauma around her birth? Did she have a normal delivery? Is mum showing signs of post natal depression?

If the birth and delivery are normal then great if not this may explain things to do with her looks and may settle.

She is only young so may not show much personality yet. Is she easy for mum to settle and feed etc. If so can you ask mum how she does things in case you are doing things differently and this is what unsettles her. If not then you could work together to try and find solutions.

When you observe her is she meeting all of her expected milestones? If she is then there is less likely to be any special needs.

If you talk to mum and it still does not feel right then be honest with mum and say it's not going to work as at least she is then prepared for the fact you may withdraw service. You may cause undue stress all around if you are not honest your gut feeling is normally the right one.

I am a childminder but my ds2 was like this and very very very hard to care for and slept for only 1 hour a night for over two years but suddenly one day every thing clicked into place and he became the lovely lively little boy he is now.

Good luck hope you decide what's right for you and this baby.

Baby is almost 10 months.

She's used to being constantly held, so cries if put down. Also for naps she'll only sleep if pushed over uneven ground in the pushchair (whereas other mindees sleep at home in cots). She wakes up if its smooth or you stop - mum knows this is an issue and has tried and failed to do anything about it.

If she doesn't nap she howls and howls :( (which is awful for her, stressful for me and upsetting the other mindees). Obv I can try and get her to sleep in different ways, but so far no luck with that.

"Was there any trauma around her birth? Did she have a normal delivery? Is mum showing signs of post natal depression?"

I haven't asked about the birth (can you when baby is this old?)... I didn't know whether to mention the looks at all, as parents haven't, so assume they think she looks normal. :(

God, I really am a terrible person aren't I? :(

I think you are extremely brave in 'admitting' your feelings. That is not easy.

Humans are attracted to and more responsive to 'pretty' things - however we all determine this differently.

As childcare providers we are not going to gel/bond with every child. And that is the bit that causes a conflict of emotions within us unsurprisingly - we are in a caring profession - we SHOULD love every child right!!! Well wrong, we don't like every adult we come across - sometimes inexplicably.

What do yo do about it. Well I think if you are already thinking down the lines of terminating the contract - it sounds like that is what you want to do. Probably better now in the settling period than later. However, do you hold of and hope things iron itself out and you are proved wrong down the line.

You need to weigh up how you feel and what you think you can cope with. Whenever I have had doubts early on in a contract - I would say most times further down the line I should have listened to my gut reaction and cancelled the contract early on.

Oh and yes, baby is the same for mum, although happier, as 1:1 care, more familiar etc and has her naps as mum can devote all her time to getting her to sleep.

Milestones - yes, seems to be fine, so thats positive.

pippin26 thanks, thats nice of you to say. Re gut feelings - you're right, we should listen to them and looking back I should never have signed contracts, as I felt this way when they first came for meetings, but I couldn't think of a good reason to say no. Also I hoped she'd look better with age, as flat head might be down to too much lying in cot?? Perhaps when she grows some hair it'll look better?

I do hope things will improve with time - she's only doing short sessions each week at the moment, as mum is doing gradual return to work. So perhaps I should give it a few more weeks?

Also, I'm quite worried about cancelling the contract, because (apart from being a wuss) I'd be dropping the mum in it. And I think I would need to pay back the retainer (not that money is key thing, but it'd be a big amount for me/them to lose).

the sleep issues - will probably resolve in time, an anxious baby might find it hard to relax enough to sleep in a new setting

the needing to be carried - I would sling an anxious baby, do you have a sling?

But the bottom line is that if you really can't bond, then it's kinder and more professional to give notice

Is she small enough and not too mobile to still sit in a baby swing as that was my god send with ds2 as where a bouncy chair is wide and still a swing feels closed in and the movement helps.

If she is used to being held you are either going to have to decide with mum she is put down for increasing periods of time within sight but left to cry and you will have to do this both in your house and her own.

I have a mindee 13 months who has just had to adapt and it was 4 weeks of sheer hell but so worth it. I also had to give notice to a child last year as we bonded when she was a baby but the older she got the harder she got as she was very small for her age mum and dad carried her everywhere at 2 years old and treated her like her size of a 6 month old. I persevered for 18 months feeling like you do and I now regret it she was so stressful and I hated getting up on mornings she was due. I snapped at my family all the time and stopped going to groups etc because I could not handle everybody looking at me and thinking I was being cruel. The only group we persevered with they all knew me and any newbies were soon told I was a childminder but the situation was under control. It was a gymnastics group and after 4 weeks of me walking around with her offering to hold her hand and her screaming because I was refusing to pick her up she gradually built her confidence and started using the equipment. The parents at the group were amazed and were all complimentary but the parental back up from her parents was non existent and in the end I terminated because it felt every little milestone we reached was undone at weekends.

do you think it's the flat head that is bothering you - as her hair grows it will cover it; there is a condition Plagiocephaly that you might want to research and flag up to the parents; there are steps that the parents/carers casn take to reduce the appearance

(bit off-topic, this, sorry)

There are two seperate difficulties here.

Firstly, you don't like the child.
Secondly, the child is disruptive to your life and that of the other mindees.

The first point doesn.t really matter. You don't have to like her. You are professional enough to treat her the same as the other mindees, and just like a teacher who has a child they dislike in their class, they need to get on with it, and not let their feelings show. And in time you may grow much fonder of her.

But the second point is more serious. This child is making your working day much harder, and impacting badly on the other children you are obliged to give good care to. How realistic is it that things will improve soon? I know if you liked the child more it would be easier to put up with the difficulties, but that doesn't mean it'd be right. For that reason I would terminate the contract. But not because I didn't like the child.

NB I am not diagnosing Plagiocephaly, just pointing out that such a thing exists

Thanks everyone for the comments and BALD for the link. I followed the links to a page about a deformity called brachecephaly, which looks very much like what she has - flat narrow head, slighlty bulging forehead and misaligned features.

Ok, question now is... would you mention this info/concern to the parents?

Not just based on a quick google - you need more than that to go on. Do you know any dcotors?

now I would mention something to the parents - perhaps print out a page from the internet to accompany your chat

I know from others on MN that there is a small window to get maximum results from re-positioning/helmeting

say something like ''I had noticed that her head seems an unusual shape, I have found some information that you may find useful. Why not pop her to your GP to get a medical opinion''

agree you are brave to be so honest about your feelings

if you are to continue with this mindee then you need to discuss with the mum how to make your life and her babys life less stressful- ie by teaching her to sleep in a cot/not being pushed in a buggy/being held all the time at home as fine when 1:1 at home but not when its 1:3/4 when you have her

do you really think there is a medical condition that causes this?

could you recommend the mum taking her dd to see a cranepath?

You've all been very supportive, so thanks for that. I was expecting to get lots of posts telling me off for being so superficial. I feel a lot better for sharing how I'm feeling about it. :)

I did suggest the mum saw an osteo/craniopath (about the sleep issues) and she went in a way that clearly meant no. I wasn't brave enough to say that I thought they'd mention the headshape thing.

Baby is quite big, so sling not good for me (I have back issues anyway, so not keen on them).

I should say, LO will eventually sleep in a cot, but takes 15+ minutes of stroking in complete quiet. I'm only registered for downstairs, so cots are down here too. I don't always have time for the 15 mins of stroking - and it didn't work that well for me on the weeks when I have had time (doesn't always work for mum either, but she then takes her out in the pram).

How could I get the baby to sleep in the cot without all the stroking? any ideas? Maybe it just takes more time?

Sorry, tying myself in knots here!

mum needs to work alongside you and not stroke babys to sleep

but to begin with to do that, then ease off each day so less stroking or get mum to sit by cot but not touching,then to sit by door etc so eventually baby will learn to go to sleep their-self

i would def mention cranepath again, esp as hopefully they will mention the head-size

Thanks Blondes, so you think its ok to advise the mum not to stroke the LO? Feel like I'm criticising her parenting.

Fifteen minutes to settle a 10 month old doesn't seem that extreme - especially in the early days. How many other children do you have at the same time as her?

its not critstzing her parenting (tho she is making a rod for her own back lol)

but you can not spend all that time on one dc, if the mum wants and the child needs so much one to one then she needs to find a nanny

Longtalljosie - the other 2 little ones I have either have milk and then go down or have comfort toys/suck thumbs and self-settle. Settling for 15 mins when nap length is usually 20-30 mins (for this LO) seems a bit extreme - or maybe just not what I'm used to?!

Maybe I'll see how this week's sleep (and everything else) goes and then chat to her about it all - including the suggestion that she backs off with the stroking.

What happens at home? It strikes me the baby probably goes down a little quicker, and sleeps a lot longer at home. And having settled, would do the same with you. FWIW, I'm not sure I agree with you persuading the mum to change the stroking / nap routine at home just yet - too much change in too short a space of time.

Here's what I'd advise. Confront this flat head business with the mother and be stark about it. Give her the info, tell her in your opinion this is what she has, and say you really think she should make an appointment with her GP asap.

There are good reasons for doing this. One - you have nothing to lose. The worst case scenario is the mother takes offence and removes the child, and it sounds like you wouldn't mind that at all. And two - assuming the mum does take your advice - the child has everything to gain from you doing this. It's a win win.

If I were you I'd give notice. Obviously not your fault that is your reaction to the baby - but I just think you shouldn't care for a baby you don't like.

I don't have any in depth argument to support that reaction - but my instinct strongly says it is something you just shouldn't do. Makes me feel really sad!

I agree with Longtalljosie wrt having nothing to loose. If the mother doesn't want to do anything about it and isn't happy with you, she'll remove the child and you don't have to worry about giving notice when she's paid all that retainer money.