CM club: Awful confessions... and advice needed

[Notlikingthisatall]

I'm a (fairly) regular poster, but have namechanged for this, as I'm quite ashamed of how I'm feeling, but want to get it off my chest...

I had a new baby start with me almost a month ago and I find her really unattractive. I've always thought that all babies were lovely etc and all of my previous/current mindees have been adorable - either in looks or personality, or usually both.

The new one looks really peculiar - from some angles almost normal, but from others she's just wrong looking (including an almost flat head and very piercing staring eyes). It doesn't help that she's a 'difficult' child and is hard to entertain, feed and get to sleep.

I'm doing my best to care for her as I would any other child and I'm hoping that in time I'll see more of her personality, so will notice her looks less... but at the moment I'm finding it hard to be as physically affectionate as I would normally be because of this. Obviously I'm doing my utmost to ensure that no hint of this is apparent in my manner towards the baby.

I feel like such a shallow person and I'm worried its making me ill - I've had IBS type symptoms lots over the last couple of weeks, which I've never had before. It doesn't help that taking this child has greatly increased my workload and I just don't see any upside to her at the moment (other than the money), whereas most of the mindees are sweet/cute or whatever and we have a lovely time together, which makes the work rewarding in itself.

As the baby is very hard to look after then I'm wondering about cancelling the contract within the settling in period. To make it more complicated the mum paid a retainer for 4 months before starting with me (I've turned down numerous requests from other parents during this time - not showing off, CMs are scarce round here and just saying why she paid) and the mum is back at work now, so I'd be doing her a huge disservice by doing this.

Well done if you've read this far... please don't be too mean to me as I already feel terrible and if anyone has any similar experiences or advice then I'd appreciate it.

Longtalljosie - no, thats the best case scenario of how baby sleeps at home. They've always had real trouble getting her to sleep and these odd 20-30 min naps are what they've managed to achieve with her.

With me, so far she hasn't slept at all really - except briefly falling asleep in the buggy whilst we're out and about.

smupcakes - its not that I don't like the baby, I just find it hard that I don't find her appealing. :(

my cm friend is in the same boat as you

she has a 10mth old girl who looks

she only has her 2 days per week and i am at the moment trying to place the baby with another cm who at toddler groups has bonded with this baby i i feel the baby would be better suited to this cm than my friend (btw i am a support cm thats why i am helping)

if you dont bond with the child you are able to care for him/her but not aswel as you could.

i would look at other cm nearby and try to place the baby with them then tell mum you are unable to care for baby anymore but x cm has a place

My advice is give notice the family immediately so they can find someone who can see past your perceived problems and care for their child.

As a parent of my DS who was at a childminder's who I don't think liked/bonded with him, although he is extremely cute and good looking wasn't really talking at that time and I felt her attitude, that he might be autistic or have a problem meant she treated him differently, I feel it was/is damaging to the child and would prefer to have been told that another childminder might have a better relationship with him.

PS I thought my childminder was fantastic and bet you are too. Sometimes we just don't take to a particular individual and we don't know why.

dmo - thanks, its really helpful to know that someone else is in the same situation! Am very curious to know why the other baby looks - just being nosy now though!

I think I'll give it a few more weeks. I'm hoping that she really is very sweet and as you say MadamDeathstare she won't know I'm 'faking it' - and hopefully before long I won't be. :)

If its still an issue in a while then I'll talk to the mum and/or give notice.

longtailjosie gives good advice - you have nothing to lose and the child could have everything to gain

i'd give notice - i find it extremely hard to look after a baby/child i don't bond with - in fact it causes depression with me - but i've never not bonded because i've found a baby "ugly" i find that quite shocking really.

i think if something is causing you to dislike a mindee that you won't look after them as well as you would a child you genuinely like and enjoy the company of - forget the money and do what's best for the mindee.

hope you get it sorted soon and don't feel guilty about it - we can't like every child.

Isn't it better to give notice during the settling in period? Given that it's the try-out for both you and the baby and what you've discovered is that it's not really working for you? Depends on your contract of course, but as a mum I'd be happier (if not exactly happy!) if the notice was given now.

There is also a compromise solution - you give notice during the settling in period, be up front with the mum about the not-bonding thing, and say that given she paid a retainer etc you will keep the baby on till alternative care is found. Given you say CMs in your area are oversubcribed you shuld then be able to fill your spare slot pretty quickly. REsolves the situation , and gives the mum a childcare headache but not a childcare crisis.

Hiya,

I'm not a CM but was just reading through the thread as I got some helpful advice in this topic area, but from the other side of the fence. I hope you don't mind me hopping on your thread

Not to throw money at the problem, but my DD was also an appalling sleeper, we had to sling her or push her for all naps and she would wake instantly if the ground wasn't bumpy enough. This worked wonders: www.babyhugs.com.au/ which we used to wean her off the pram.
They aren't cheap new, but sometimes come up secondhand on ebay for about £30. It was an absolute life-saver - we would have paid ten times the amount as I was completely shattered. It very quickly taught her to sleep in her cot and we now don't need to use it at all.

You could recommend it to the mum/get one yourself?