dd said nanny slapped her- advice?

[sagalsmith]

My 2 year old daughter yesterday told me, unprompted-she's very talkative and parrots everything with good vocab- that R slap her and she put her hand to her cheek. I was doing the dishes and she was colouring then. I have never used that word in front of her or ever slapped her.Neither has hubby. I was so shocked I didn't really respond but an hour later asked her (prompting I suppose this time) and she once again repeated it and placed her hand on her cheek, very matter of fact.
My forms of punishment for her is a tap on her hand, which she will happily perform if she knows she's done something she's not supposed to or when she's frustrated but only if it happened recently. So I think this has really happened. She's a very happy child generally besides her terrible 2s tantrums but has had to deal with some jealousy with dd2 who's 9m and division of attention. Nanny is very obviously into dd2.
As far as I know, it could have been a simple tap on the cheek (tap as in not causing pain). She's a very good nanny and I'm not sure what to do. I get frustrated with dd1 sometimes so can definitely see how another person can be but have not been able to stop thinking about this and can't accept another person hitting her of course. This is a live in nanny so quite ingrained into the family. I'm worried to bring it up in case it was really nothing and it will spoil the relationship for good. I'm also not happy to not mention it. This nanny has her old employers calling her up every so often and has maintained very good relations with them- which I take as a good sign.
Any advice from other parents and other nannies?

I was a nanny and I was told no smacking. I never did. Did you discuss smacking at the interview. If not, you need to say to your nanny you understand she smacked your child and she is not to ever again. It doesn't have to be a big drama. If you did tell her no smacking, ask her why she smacked your daughter when she had been told she was not too. You have to assume your dd is telling the truth imo.

Having just been through a rather stressful situation where we let some "minor" things go and then had a more serious incident with our nanny, I would be inclined to find a way to discuss it with her. It may have been nothing, but if it was something, or she may have tendencies towards this, you will at least make her aware that you are attentive to her behaviour and wouldn't accept that.

You could perhaps say something on the lines of "DD said x happened and I'm not sure where she got the idea from, just wanted to check with you..."?
Have you asked DD if she knows why it happened?

Good luck

Keep an open mind and ask nanny if she has slapped her, and explain what DD said. The nannys' response to the question will tell you all you need to know about relationship and whether you can smooth it out or not. could easily arise from a misunderstanding of your boundaries/instructions, and I could easily imagine that DD1 might be pushing nanny's buttons hard (harder than she might push yours) if she is very jealous

are you saying your dd said the nanny slapped round the face/cheek?

i do not beleive in smacking and i never have or would (it is not my place and tbh there are other forms of punishment that work better ) but i know my ex boss's have slapped round the back of legs before

and tbh the odd tap/slap round the legs/hand is ok as a parent but not EVER round the face and NEVER as a professional childcarere/nanny/cm etc

i agree that you need to ask the nanny striaght out and see what her response is, maybe she tapped on hand,and tbh that is not acceptable but if she did smack round the face then it is not on!!!!

For your peace of mind you must bring it up but it needs to be handled with great care. As an ex nanny (now mummy) I know how attacked a nanny can feel when confronted. Try asking if anything has happened whilst they have been out, dd may have seen this happening to someone else. If it does turn out she did slap your child you need to think long and hard about trusting her again, it's bad enough to hurt a child but to not come to you and explain the incident would suggest she has something to hide.

Children often say things that they have seen/heard and it doesn't necessarily means these things have happened. However, it may also be that the nanny did indeed slap your DD which is IMO completely unacceptable for all sorts of reasons.

I would matter-of-factly ask & observe the nanny's response to understand what the issue was. I do think you need to sort this as you'll have it at the back of your mind otherwise.

I agree with Blondes*.
Even a 'tap' is not acceptable for a nanny (even if you do that yourself).

As others said i would bring it up and see her response

what age is your child. my friends daughter who is told recently told the neighbour (who babysits) that her mum hit her and then went home and told her mum that the neighbour had hit her. children sometimes just say things. i mind a we boy who is 5 and when he was a toddler he used to tell his mum i hit him luckly his mum knew he had started making stories up.

be careful with this. My friend's daughter, aged just two, declared to her mother "Colditz hit me when you were at the shop. She smacked me and said I was naughty and she doesn't like me."

Luckily my friend has her head screwed on and said "Where did colditz hit you?"

And the child replied "In her car, we were going to MacDonalds"

very plausible - except I don't have a car.

You said that you have never used the word slap but that your two year old said that the nanny had slapped her.

Your Nanny wouldn't have said I'm slapping you would she? It's something your little girl has heard from somewhere.

I don't know whether your Nanny did slap your child or not but if she did it is not acceptable no matter how frustrating your little girl can be.

I think you should ask her where your little girl might have heard this. IF she has anything to hide you will be able to pick it up from her response and then you can enquire further.

The nanny could have given her a warning saying she was going to slap her if she didn't behave.

Thanks for all your responses. I believe it happened. Probably she got a warning and hence the term 'slap' was used. Then the actual slap because of the way she so easily put her hand to her face twice on the same cheek when telling me about it. Also 'demonstrating' it on her sister. There were also 2 instances in the past 5 days where she cried the moment I came home for no particular reason (felt like she was just glad I was home). I just held her til she calmed down. Nanny usually just says that she was fine, eating dinner etc, til I came back.

I never discussed this with my nanny actually- I just had another baby when she started as my mum hurt her back and couldn't help me the way she had intended to. It was meant to be a short term thing but she's now been with us for almost 10 months and I'm overall quite happy with her.

I'm definitely going to talk to her but not accusationally. Its been very helpful just to hear other opinions. On the whole I'm more inclined not to punish and currently reading 'unconditional parenting' and actually find that hugging when child is acting up (after they've been given a chance to yell) to comfort their frustration works wonders. I'm only halfway through the book.

Thanks again.

im still concerned if the nanny did slap/smack why your dd hold her cheek

have you asked dd where she got slapped

as i said before NO childcarer should hit/smack/slap etc but if it was round the face thats TOTALLY unaceptable

I'm trying my best to wean info off her- hard in a 2 year old. She definitely knows a slap though as she has tried to slap dd2. I don't think its acceptable.
I've been keeping a very close eye on her and nanny. She seems happy enough and will play with her etc.
Unlike my dd2 who obviously misses nanny when she's not around, dd1 doesn't and doesn't ask for her much or is physically affectionate with her.

How will you feel if it happens again tomorrow?

I think you owe it to your daughter to speak to your nanny about this. Once you have slapped once it becomes easier to do it again ime.

I completely agree. I've been home these days and have decided to watch but have work today so quite uneasy. I will sort this out. Even if she denies it, which I expect her to, at least she knows that dd can tell me.
Thanks everyone for your support.

Let us know how it goes. Take care.

To be honest, I wouldn't be happy under any circumstances for a nanny to slap my child- or anyone else to slap my child, or for that matter for myself to slap my child!

Hitting on the face is a very aggressive thing to do & I really feel it's not acceptable as any sort of punishment. I do accept that parents some times lose their temper & slap the child's bottom etc but a slap on the face is a whole different story!

I also accept that you want to do this slowly, in your own way, trying to work out what's going on. But I really would be very concerned if she's actually slapped your daughter, if it were me I would give her notice just for that reason (but again I accept that the story might be a bit more complex).

On the whole I'm more inclined not to punish and currently reading 'unconditional parenting' and actually find that hugging when child is acting up (after they've been given a chance to yell) to comfort their frustration works wonders. I'm only halfway through the book.

Hugging children when they're acting up? How long do you propose to do this for? Sounds a pit daft, they're naughty, they get attention and hugs. I wonder fo that makes them be naughty next time they're not getting any attention?

I ignore my dd if she is acting up, then she realises that behaviour like that doesn't get her any attention, she stops and we carry on what we were doing.

Hi, I do agree with the others and think you should speak to your nanny, but perhaps in a more informal way if it's possible.

My own dd came home from nursery one day and said J, the pre-school room leader (male) had slapped her. I know all the staff at nursery very well (my older son had already been in his class etc) and so couldn't really believe it. I did bring it straight up though and said "dd said you slapped her yesterday, what is she talking about" (I sort of said it in a nice way !!), J said that dd had been told off for a small misdemeanour, but had definitely not been slapped and I totally believed him.

In the following weeks it became obvious that dd was misunderstanding the word "slap", and in fact mixing it up with "told off". She said things like "mummy, don't slap me, I will tidy up in a minute", and "I like granny, she never slaps me". She mixed up the phrases a lot, and often when talking to other people - it didn't portay me in a very good way !!

I do find it hard to believe that a nanny who has been with your for a reasonable length of time, and who gets on with previous employers and is generally reliable would be stupid enough to slap a child across their face, if she really has, then I would hope that she had a really good explanation of the situation. I would want to know what had happened, but would keep an overall open mind.

Helen

Many years ago when my dd was 2, one Saturday she ran into her bedroom, and tripped and caught the corner of the chest of drawers, there was a small cut and a little bruise came up. At the time I was sorting washing out in my room, and as soon as heard the thud came running to her.

By the Monday there was small mark by her eye, dropped her off at nursery. When I went to collect her I was called into the office, and there were two members of staff and the manager there. And they said the mark on dd eye how did that come about, and I explained, and they said oh that makes much more sense, dd said you had hit her because she couldn't watch tv!

Never hit her (nor even smacked), and I'm very relaxed over tv always on in our house. Therefore, this was complete fabrication. I'm not saying it's the case for your dd, but just highlighting that it is possible.

the only way you will know for you is to bring it up with your nanny and see how she reacts

something like

you never guess what dd said over the weekend, that you slapped her across the face

and see what nanny says, if innocent, she would say omg, i never did/would do that

and then depending on her attitiude, say, obv we dont beleive her and know you would never do anything like that

Just an update now that I have a minute...

I mentioned this casually to nanny while we were in the kitchen and doing stuff (as opposed to a 'lets sit down and talk'). As I had expected, she denied it and gave many examples of how she has cared for xyz and they still ask for her etc. Also that I can call her previous employers to check. She was quite defensive actually esp as I was very casual about it and told her exactly what my daughter said and also said that I have no idea where my daughter got this from and I know that children can sometimes make things up without meaning to.

Anyway my point was mainly to let her know that my dd will tell and is capable of telling. I still believe it happened as there is no way she could have picked it up (only ever going to stay/play and almost no tv). At least the point has been made and she will undoubtedly be more careful in future and if she chooses to leave, so be it.

Btw Starbuck999, I'm rubbish at kids/parenting and have resorted to books for everything (potty/sleeping etc) and I'm telling you, this hugging method really works. I do let her yell but for only a couple of minutes though. I find that when I then hug her, not only does she calm down, I calm down too and things just go in the right direction. Has so far worked almost everytime (I can't remember when it hasn't worked, and I've been testing it enough). Write to me in a year and I'll let you know how I get on : )

It puzzles me as to why she refers to the past family. Wondering if there is an attachment issue - she became too attached... maybe I'm just reading too much into it. Does she often compare things to the other family/children?

As you say, the point has been raised and your position been made clear. Maybe you could lend her some of the books you have been reading, so she could try the hugging approach.