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Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

Home birth - sick of negative reactions

53 replies

Dibbydab · 10/06/2010 16:21

That's it really. Am 33 weeks with first baby and really want a home birth. Am fit and healthy, text book pregnancy so far (apart from minor niggles - heartburn etc).

I have done sooooooo much research into the pros and cons of hospital vs home birth it could be my specialist subject on Mastermind, but nearly everyone I have mentioned it to has looked at me like I've told them I want to deliver my baby half way up Mount Everest and come back down on a Yak!

Needless to say, none of the people who have been so negative about it know anyone that has actually had a homebirth - they just regale me with stories of "how my friend had such a terrible time, she ended up with an emergency c-section - they won't be able to do that at home will they?" Well no, they won't, perhaps your friend had such a terrible time because she was in hospital after having every intervention they could throw at her, I don't know?

My baby's well being is my number one priorty and if I thought I would be any better off in hospital I would be there like a shot.

Feeling so and thinking I should just forget it.

OP posts:
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StealthPolarBear · 10/06/2010 16:25

Make sure the yak is CRB checked and you'll be fine

StealthPolarBear · 10/06/2010 16:27

FWIW I've had two straightforward hospital births, should really have had HBs but for the first the idea never occured to me (don't think I'd have gone for it anyway) and for the 2nd DH was too nervous, and I didn't feel strongly enough about it to insist iyswim.
I think there are loads of straightforward births out there, you just don't hear about them!

ib · 10/06/2010 16:27

Just ignore them. I had this in spades with ds1- including one 'friend' saying I was a masochist and we were not in the middle ages any more.

In the end she had a horrendous time of it despite her epidural and no complications, whereas for me giving birth was one of the most pleasant things I ever did.

LadySanders · 10/06/2010 16:31

good luck, hope it goes well! (i had same reaction - and if you did need a c-section, guess what, you just go to the hospital and have one!

people LOVE to give you opinions about birth... just wait til you have a baby and then they'll love to tell you all the things you're doing wrong there too

AxisofEvil · 10/06/2010 16:32

I'd stop mentioning it to people. If you don't tell them they can't make negative comments.

Do bear in mind that a home birth isn't appealing for everyone. For me personally the idea of a home birth FOR ME without doctors, operating surgeries and machines that go ping on standby is horrific. Of course I would nod politely to any friend who said she wanted one but its not for me.

AxisofEvil · 10/06/2010 16:33

And just to add, I'd say the same about not talking about it to others if someone was having negative comments due to say a planned caesarian.

nigglewiggle · 10/06/2010 16:34

I had a HB with DD2 and it was fab. I got much the same sort of reactions when I told people, but I secretly quite enjoyed seeing the look on their faces! I also quite liked reeducating people about the relative merits of homebirths. Some people won't listen, but that's not your problem.

Don't change your mind now. Homebirths can be a wonderful experience and if not, you can change your mind during labour and head in anyway.

Original poster
Dibbydab · 10/06/2010 16:47

Thanks, I just feel like they're really trying to sow seeds of doubt in my mind

I can absolutely understand it isn't everyone's cup of tea and I've only ever mentioned it when people have asked about which hospital I'll be using. I don't proffer it up in general conversation, on the other hand I don't want it to feel like a dirty secret.

Today's classic from boss was "I don't know why you're bothering with all that new age shite"! Will ring my nana tonight and tell her she was way ahead of her time having her children at home in the 1950's

Anyway, I'm off to a homebirth meeting tonight to speak to some real life ladies that have actually had a home birth and lived to tell the tale...

OP posts:
shipsladyg · 10/06/2010 17:04

I've had the same. Horrific birth stories from well meaning people and "What if" scenarios from my M-i-L etc. I also had to go and see the Anaethetist because of my BMI and she was a bit "But why don't you want pain relief?!?" as if I was bonkers. And you're right, you can quote like for like statistics til you're blue in the face and they still don't appreciate your decision. It's a truism, but it says more about the other person than it does about you. The only middle ground I've found so far which has shut nay-sayers up, is to tell them that we're open to changing our mind as situations change - which is pretty easy as we live less than a mile from the hospital.

Rosedee · 10/06/2010 20:22

I had 1 person in the whole of my pregnancy give me a positive birth story. I told a friend after that when she gets pregnant to ignore everyone as everyone will experience labour differently and no matter how many bad birth stories you hear you can never tell how you will take it.
I was booked for a home birth and the fact that I knew my stuff about safety, transfer to hosp if a problem ete etc usually shut people up.
Go for it, if there is a problem you can tranfer to hosp and if you give birth at home then thats fantastic. Stick to your guns. Your body. your labour, your choice

james79 · 10/06/2010 20:40

Best thing I ever did, wish I'd had the guts to do it first time round. Good luck!

SpottyLotty · 10/06/2010 20:48

Stick to your guns if you feel it is right for you , but remember that many of the women you are speaking to may have had traumatic/stressful births and are concerned for you and the choice you are making. I doubt they express it well, but they are more than likely just concerned for you making a choice that would frighten them.

Its one of those situations where their comments say more about them than it does about you IYSWIM??

A home birth is my worst nightmare, but lots of friends have had wonderful, calm and positive experiences with home births. Its a very personal thing I think.

crikeybadger · 10/06/2010 20:58

3 fantastic home births here!

Don't get despondent dibbydab, just think of how lovely it will be, once you have given birth to crawl in to your own bed, with your own sheets and cuddle up with your new baby (and then eat lovely food )

When faced with the usual horrified looks, or "ooh you are brave" comments, I just trotted out the line "well, giving birth isn't a medical procedure, and if things look like they are changing, I can go to hospital."

Good luck, trust your body and your instinct that a homebirth is right for you.

MumNWLondon · 10/06/2010 22:00

Just ignore them and do it your way. I have had three great hospital MLU births, should have had DS2 (8 weeks ago) at home but wimped out. My parents were fine about it as my grandma was a GP and delivered 100s of babies at home during the 1950s-1970s. DHs parents not so sure.

I do think though for a first baby you need to be open to the idea that you may need to go to hospital - although good chance you'll be able to stay at home.

EnglandAllenPoe · 10/06/2010 22:08

2 HBs and down for one more in August here - i also had people casting negativity on it - nd often using the rather odd argument 'i had a shit time in hospital, wouldn't dare go through that at home' when maybe, they wouldn't have had a shit time at home.

60% of first timers manage to complete delivery at home - and even if you don't, i think lots of people appreciate having spent more of labour at home rather than in hospital for the early stages (as depending on hospital and how busy they are, they may not bring you in until you are about to pop anyway.).

i think theres a thread for 'first time homebirthers' somewhere on MN...

theyoungvisiter · 10/06/2010 22:08

don't tell anyone. I didn't. Well, except DH and the midwives, obviously!

When Dh sent round the text saying "baby X born at home on..." I got loads of texts back saying "OMG, are you alright? Did you leave it too late?"

Seriously - it's none of their business so don't discuss it.

theyoungvisiter · 10/06/2010 22:09

I also had lots of surprising and lovely reactions too - my grandmother said "well good for you dear, it's how it's meant to be anyway, isn't it?"

ThatVikRinA22 · 10/06/2010 22:19

i had a home birth and it was the best thing i could have done - no pain relief required. my MWs were fantastic and all for it. it was quite a lovely experience, relaxed and i was so happy to climb into my own bath prior to birth and my own bed after the birth, with my own things, my own family, my own stuff around me and my gorgeous baby girl snoozing in a basket next to my bed.

i loved it. and my neighbours never heard a thing!

nigglewiggle · 10/06/2010 22:25

Also, if it helps to convince you - the (very experienced) MW at DD2's homebirth told me that, if I had been at hospital they would have been in there with forceps etc (DD2 was a bit stuck for a short time). Instead they had me going up the stairs to the loo and got me to eat a couple of jaffa cakes and DD2 was born a couple of minutes later . I have no doubt that, if I had been in hospital, I would have been subjected to an intervention or three.

hairymelons · 10/06/2010 22:35

People just react that way because it would be frightening for them- they won't have done the research into it that you have and so can't possibly understand.

When I get a funny reaction, I just state that I've done my research and believe it to be the best option for us and that my midwives are v supportive. I don't expect people to understand though- a c-section is my worst nightmare because I'm terrified of surgery but to someone else it would be preferable to labouring without an epidural.

Each to their own. Try not to feel defensive and definately don't change your plans- these people aren't going to have your baby for you so their opinions don't count!

I had a planned homebirth for DS1 and ended up transferring after a long, back to back labour. It was so lovely to be able to labour at home and not have people clock watching and wanting to 'hurry things along' that we're planning on having DS2 at home. You never know what will happen and may indeed end up giving birth in hospital- it will still be nice to have been at home for the most part!

Fingers in ears and ignore! And good luck

jumblies · 10/06/2010 22:36

You have to develop a thick skin when going against the 'norm'. I've had 2 homebirths and so many "oh you're brave" comments

With my first baby I did my research and was open to the fact that I might have to transfer if say I couldn't handle the pain/failed to progress/baby in distress etc.

My first birth was 13 hours long and I took 3 hours to push my daughter out. Later the midwives ( you get 2 at home, at one point I had 3 in attendance) told me that if I had been in hospital my birth would have most likely ended with a forceps/ventouse delivery. My daughter was in no distress at any point otherwise they would have taken me to hospital as soon as her heart dipped.

Second birth would have been an accidental homebirth as I didn't realise I was in labour for ages and then my son was born in about 5 mins.

For me the best things about having my children at home in no particular order were;

the bacon sandwich my mum cooked me after my daughters birth and the fish pie my husband handed me after my sons.

being able to walk around my garden and look up at the stars whilst in labour and subsequently forgetting the pain because I was so blown away by the full moon and wondering if it was a true full moon or not (was definitely not fully dilated at that point )

Having my husband help me shower and get dressed before being tucked into bed with my new babies.

Giving birth in a safe, familiar, private environment with all my comforts around me.

No visiting restrictions/hours.

Being able to tell my children that they were born right here, in the living room

Good luck and I hope you get the birth you want. As long as you and your partner are happy with your choice that is all that matters.

porcamiseria · 11/06/2010 09:06

I have nothing against home births, each to their own

I do have a bit of an issue with some people that push push for them even though their local system is not really set up for it, I think its selfish. we are not in the NL where the system is designed to accomadate it

I think the problem is that when people have HB they essentially take midwifes away from the hosital, ergo other women labouring. as jumblies said she had 3 midwifes, whereas in hospital I had one

I think we either need to allow them, or not. But this halfway system helps noone IMO

So thats just one perspective

mamatomany · 11/06/2010 09:13

I'm the complete opposite in that I feel quite pressured to have a homebirth as I've had no complications with previous pregnancies, the community midwives seem to have targets to meet and everyone seems to think i'm "ideal".
Still not convinced but we'll see.
You have to do what's right for you and your little family because you cannot please any of the people, most of the time once you're a mother.

dawntigga · 11/06/2010 09:14

Tell them to fuck right off and when they get there fuck off again.

MightBeSlightlyGrumpyTiggaxx

WoTmania · 11/06/2010 09:15

Porcamiseria - in my area Community MWs do homebirths (and in the PCT where DSs were born) they are not 'taken away from the hospital'
That little myth really winds me up. Homebirths are cheaper for the NHS too.

OP I too hate the 'oh, you're brave' comments. Or the 'new-agey' comments (I've had that about using a sling and BF too - cos they are such new ideas).

Just do your own thing and try to ignore or gently re-educate.

Good Luck