Had a beautiful, home waterbirth on Monday but my Dad has just said a lot of very hurtful things about the 'risks' we took... feeling very emotional

[hopingforahomebirth]

Has anyone else been through this? They've just left and I feel devastated to be honest.

We were having having such a nice evening (it was my Mum and Dad's first visit to see the new baby). Just over dinner, the subject of the birth came up - I can't remember how but I suppose when it was only 5 days ago it was bound to).

Comments included - "I would not have let my wife have a baby at home".

and to my DH,

"I would not choose to put my wife and child's lives at stake".

He just wouldn't listen to any of the wellworn facts we replied with and went on and on.... until we chnaged the subject. I think we were very calm considering.

And yes, the obvious point is that he can be extremely rude outspoken and why did I
expect any different?

Well I suppose I've been on such a high, DD's birth ended up with a horrible ventouse delivery that left me with a 3rd degree tear, making the decision to even attempt a vaginal birth again has been very difficult.

This birth was amazing, DS was 2lbs heavier than DD and I had a tiny 1st deg tear this time. My midwife was incredible and I have fabulous new baby, breastfeeding is going well, it's just been great and now I feel dreadful and can't stop crying.

It's just hormones isn't it? But I suppose I just didn't think he'd be say so crass as to say all this stuff, drinking our champagne, in our house to somebody who gave birth so recently.

He didn't say a word during the pregnancy (too squeamish I think now) and I suppose I should be grateful for that.

Why do people think that telling somebody they put their wife and child at risk - after the event - is ok?

by the way....it was a completely normal, healthy

well done and congratulations on your new baby.
I am sorry that this has happened to you and my very strong advice is - don't give it another thought. He was rude, and insensitive. I am sorry you were hurt, but just completely ignore him.
You made the right choice and it was YOUR choice. He knows nothing about it and it was none of his business.
Here is a useful expression that I find comes in handy when dealing with selfish people

feel free to use it.

That is awful. So for you. I wonder why it is that some parents of adult children do not know when to button their lip sometimes?

sorry, that last line should have read healthy pregnancy.

typing one handed.

Congratulations on your newborn! And it's lovely, too, that you have discovered how wonderful giving birth can be. Do you find that ds's birth has over-written the distress of dd's birth? That's how it was for me - I can now remember that I was upset by dc1's birth, but the actual distress is gone. The strongest memories are now of dc2 and then dc3's births, each of which was better than the previous one.

Yes, of course your dad was being insensitive and rude. His knowledge was completely out-of-date, and he wouldn't be corrected by his child.

And of course your great distress at this is very much to do with your hormones. You know all about baby blues I'm sure!

Funnily enough, my dad didn't like the idea of my going to hospital to have my babies - "You are not ill" - but at the same time thought the idea of having babies at home was irresponsible. "Are there no maternity homes any more?"

Congratulations. Well done you.

Give the comments from him the consideration they deserve. About as long as it takes you to read my reply really.

Day 5 is baby blues territory and you're feeling fragile. Try not to be upset. I understand why you are. His implication was that you willingly endangered your baby. Of course you didn't. Refuse to discuss it next time.

Enjoy your newborn.

but should have added many many congratulations on the safe arrival of your lovely ds .

Firstly congratulations on your new baby and what sounds like the perfect birth experience for all of you!

I am with harpsichord - you just have to ignore your Dad - parents do like to put their 2 penn'orth in but forget that when they did all this stuff it was probably about 30 years ago, and times change!

Homebirths were the norm until the 50s when hospital births became fashionable. We all know that statistically home births carry no additional risk and of course you researched it thoroughly before making your decision - which proved to be exactly the right one for you and your family.

PLEASE focus on the positive experience and outcome - a happy, healthy mummy and baby - and forget what your Dad said to you. Hopefully it will not be spoken of again!

I think since you know he can be like this it is pointless even engaging.

I know easier said than done but ignore, ignore, ignore.

And not that I hold a grudge but it would be a cold day in hell before he was welcome in my house again

And next time I would have to tell him that when he gives birth-then he can comment!

Congratulations.

the feelings of hurt linger for a few days making you feel upset, it will go soon and you can get on with your new start xx

What diddl said.
Congratulations, and well done you after previous experience. Be very proud!!!

he is clumsily expressing his concern for your and the baby's well being.. in a totally insensitive way, but what he is badly saying is ' i was so worried something awful might have happened to my child nad grandchild and i can;t articulate it properly so i'll just sound angry'

please don't let it detract from what sound like a fantastic birth x

I have issues with my mother being like this sometimes and someone here suggested that when she starts, I look away and then say something completely unrelated. Seems to work...

It's lovely that you had such a positive birth. You made your decision with the full support of the medical profession, who know about this stuff. He is a silly man who knows diddly squat (no offence!). Ignore and inwardly point and laugh at him.

Congratulations on the birth of your lovely baby

I don't think your dad wanted to upset you. More likely, he has no idea how badly you were traumatized by previous birth and how thrilled you are to have taken control of this birth and have had a positive experience.

try to stop thinking about it, the important thing here is that you have a lovely new baby and have had a gorgeous birth. No mean feat! You'll always get people who disagree with things you choose to do re. birth and bringing up kids, you'll never please everyone. Things like this always hit harder when you're feeling tired and hormonal, and I don't blame you for feeling like you do. I wish I had done what you did for my second! Well done and congratulations, youve done a brilliant thing, so dont feel bad

Don't let him upset you, he obviously doesn't think it matters saying it now, after the event, and doesn't realise it can impact on your experience. So don't let it!

Different situation, but when I was pg with my first, I was upset because I was five days overdue and I'd had slow labour/braxtons for three days, I was having a moan and a cry about it and my dad decided that was the time lecture me on the "consequences of my actions" Dickhead.

Congratulations on your lovely homebirth, it sounds idyllic, well done you! I'm very as I'm overdue (again!)

Congratulations. Welcome to the world baby boy and well done to you.

Your dad is an insenstive twat. Isn't it good that this is not a genetic condition?

1. He has no right to criticise your choices
2. in actual fact, that was the lowest-risk way for you to give birth (so he is not just insensitive, but also wrong)
3. CONGRATULATIONS! You have a lovely new baby to cuddle.

i hope you are getting lots of biscuits and cuddles too.

Your homebirth sounds wonderful, well done to you!

Your dad has no clue about birth or baby blues, he probably thinks he deserves a medal for keeping his view to himself for nine months.

He has made a mistake but is human, so forgive and forget and please don't let it spoil this otherwise happy time.

Keep one stock reply in case of repeats:

"We read up and weighed the risks and found this was the most low-risk option for us. We were proved right, weren't we? I don't think we need to discuss this again, thank you."

Congrats to you and your family.

He must have been keeping his worrying in for the last nine months so i think that does show some respect fr your choice and howpefully it was just a clumsy way of saying he was very worried about you. Hopefully its not smethingt hat will come up again.

btw you should change your name!

Congratulations!

As others have said, your dad is basing HIS views on HIS experience 25 / 30 / 40 years ago. When hospital births became the norm and nobody gave birth at home anymore.

He is ignorant of all the facts and reasons why you chose to do what you did. And can he not see that you have proof to support your decisions?!

It is his opinion, he is entitled to it and I would try to let it go.

Your gorgeous DS is here now and you can enjoy your time with him and his big sister.

ALso does he know how much you went through last time, i mean in great, bloody, man sized hands details? Maybe you share it with him and i doubt you'll get to the end before he doesn't want to hear anymore, if you do get to the end i would then ask him what he would have done to make sure his wifedidn't go throught hat again if he had been your dh

Well done on your lovely birth. Agree with what everyone else says, but just wanted to say that it's so wonderful being able to have a birth you can relive positively. 13 months later I still feel quite high just thinking about how lovely it was having dd at home. Don't let your dad spoil it. If you feel you want to you can always just tell him that you feel sad that he was so worried all that time, and give him this:

Sheila Kitzinger, British childbirth expert, states that planned home birth with an experienced lay midwife has a perinatal death rate of 3-4 babies per 1,000 births (51). Hospital births, by contrast, carry a perinatal mortality rate of 9-10/1,000. [Perinatal death rates include fetal deaths on and after 28 weeks gestation, whereas neonatal mortality rates only include deaths occurring in the first 28 days after birth (Jones 96,98)].

• A study in Australia found a perinatal mortality rate of 5.9/1,000 out of 3400 planned home births (Kitzinger 41).
• Joseph C. Pearce states in his landmark book Evolution?s End that homebirthed babies have a six to one better chance of survival than a hospital-birthed child (117).
• A study in the Netherlands done in 1986 on women who were having their first babies showed these results: out of 41,861 women who delivered in the hospital, the perinatal mortality rate was 20.2/1,000. Of 15,031 women who delivered at home with a trained midwife, the rate was 1.5/1,000 (Kitzinger 44). I know, I thought it must be a typo too.
• Marsden Wagner, formerly of the World Health Organization, states that every country in the European Region that has infant mortality rates better than the US uses midwives as the principal and only attendant for at least 70% of the births (Jones 2). He also states that the countries with the lowest perinatal mortality rates in the world have cesarean section rates below 10% (Jones 13). How does this compare with the US rate? Miserably. [[http://www.gentlebirth.org/ronnie/homejjg.html here ]]

So glad you had a lovely HWB; so sorry your dad's rude remarks have upset you and your DH. I'm sure he had his own anxieties, borne of ignorance, but he should have kept them to himself.
How does your DH feel? I must say, I find your dad's implication that it was your DH's decision/responsibility to "let" you have the birth you wanted to be jawdroppingly sexist - I wouldn't have been as polite as it sounds you were, hormones or no hormones
Congratulations.

Sorry here