How can I make myself prepare for this birth and drag myself out of denial?

[gaelicsheep]

Hi. I'm nearly 35 weeks pregnant with my second child. It took me 3 years after my first experience to even contemplate another pregnancy because of a traumatic delivery. I've spent most of this pregnancy alternating between flashbacks and blocking it out completely and seem now to be settled on the latter. The details are fading and I'm left with this sense of impending dread that I just don't want to deal with. Consequently I have no interest in preparing a birth plan, which as far as I can see is pretty pointless, packing a hospital bag, or anything really. And I can't focus on being excited about the new baby because I can't get past the thought of that day.

Without going into the gory details I had a natural delivery with an OP baby, but a prolonged second stage (3.5 hours) and an excruciatingly painful first stage with next to no pain relief. The no pain relief was partly my own fault for expressing a preference for G&A only and then finding the pain so bad that I withdrew to the point that I couldn't communicate that I just couldn't cope. The pain was agonising and pretty much continuous (no break between contractions) from around 3cm onwards. This time around I am simply terrified of the pain.

I'd be really grateful to hear from anyone else who had a traumatic first delivery. How did you make yourself face up to it and prepare for the next one?

Thanks everyone. I'll be off to bed shortly. James - yes I would really appreciate you letting me know how it all goes. I've got everything crossed for you.

and gaelic, total sympathy for your 'mental block'. My birth with DS nearly 3yrs ago was pretty hard and I'm expecting 2nd baby at end of June, and am also not getting prepared yet (apart from drinking raspberry leaf tea).

I considered a doula but also have been told by at least two friends who have had 2nd that their 2nd labour was VERY different, and short (with one, started 5.30am and baby born 9.45am). Equally when I had DS another friend having her 2nd had an elective CS due to bad tearing from first birth. It's so hard, not knowing what might happen, isn't it? I hated g&a but am not keen on other medication (have the feeling that morphine/pethedine will make me sick, and am not keen on epidural). So I'm off to yoga class tomorrow to practice my breathing and relaxation, in the hope that it helps...

Goodnight, try not to worry.

My MW is coming around next week James, hopefully to do just that. Unfortunately we've moved area and they haven't requested my notes from the last labour (I checked) so I'll be relying on memory. I have previously been through my notes with the consultant from the last hospital, but she was less than helpful, basically blaming my "prescriptive" birth plan. I did point out to her, which she accepted, that if it wasn't for that birth plan (which requested no interventions) I would most certainly have ended up with a worse outcome - ie instrumental delivery or C-section.

Great sympathy for you - I am 35 weeks pregnant after a traumatic first birth 18 months ago. Due to ongoing damage I have chosen an elcs.

I can completely understand the whole paralysed by pain thing. My labour was never going anywhere as DD was OT - head engaged side on. My contractions were relentless. G&A did almost nothing. The mw made an error and thought the position was fine so took the G&A off me for the last couple of hours.

DD was emergency rotational forceps after a 4-6 hour second stage (I asked to be checked when I felt the pain deepen, the mw refused because I was a firsttimer and threatened drips if she checked and I wasn't 'far enough' along. So my record have at least 4 hours in second stage but I think it was 6 hours given the change I felt).

I also failed utterly to communicate my agonising pain - I closed down and couldn't speak or scream or shout. My DH thought it was going ok too because the mw thought it was all fine.

I am seeing the maternity psychologist for support and it is really helping me to talk over what happened. Please do get support asap - ask your mw to refer you to someone who can listen and support you. I know you are far on but it will really help to have someone used to hearing of traumatic birth. My consultant referred me this time because she is concerned that I am vulnerable to ante-natal or post-natal depression. I had more post traumatic stress symptoms before but still - anything that helps I will take.

If you haven't looked up before check out the

www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/

NumptyMum, I'll text the doula for the name later today, it came with a book she lent me.

Thanks seashore! Just been to my yoga class, so going to practice my breathing techniques (and positions, which I couldn't use last time as being flat on bed). However I'm also reassured again that no two births are the same, so whatever happened to me last time is not likely to happen this time. I'm now more worried about potential for short/rapid labour! So will practice 'braking' position and shallow breaths...

Hi NumptyMum, it was the Hypnobirthing book Rainbow cd set by Marie Mongan. I really believe in breathing techniques, I was doing fine 1st time round until like you put flat on my back it was hopeless. Second time my breathing did it all for me cause I only had gas and air for last few mins when the ambulance team was here. Shallow breaths were so important to me then, I hadn't practised any but the ambulance assistant showed me how to do it, she was fantastic.

You are so right no two births are the same. Yoga will really stand to you, best of luck

gaelicsheep - you poor thing. i can really empathise with being in agony but not able to communicate it while in labour, it happened to me as well with dd.

you really, really need to give hypnobirthing (the U.S version), or Natal Hypnotherapy (the U.K one) a go.

it's not too late, listen to the C.D every day for the last few weeks.

ok, like me, you might not get to the point where you can hypnotise yourself, but I can guarantee you it will get you to a place where you are calmly visualising the birth you want. it will help so much with the anxiety.
i don't know how i'd be feeling right now without it (due in three weeks)

if you can't buy or borrow a copy, let me know i'll get a copy of mine made and post it to you.

Thanks seashore .

Gaelicsheep - do try and practice any relaxation and breathing techniques now; I think with my first birth I wrote down what to do but didn't have it ingrained, so when it came to being in labour and not feeling in control, I couldn't get my breathing right. Plus with gas & air I found it harder, as hated it (made me feel dizzy/ill and sound like bride of dracula). On the plus side, knowing that I managed an induction on gas & air alone gives me confidence that I CAN manage again this time, when hopefully labour will be easier. And this confidence and the ability to relax is what you need to find.

At yoga today I was reminded that relaxation/breathing techniques are actually very important, for 2 reasons: 1) if you are tense your 'contraction' muscles are working AGAINST your 'tension' muscles, so it takes longer and you are more aware of the pain; and 2) I think you can then become more aware of your body and what you need to do, eg changing position (if you have the option!). Obviously the trouble you and I will have is trying to believe these techniques will work and help... I have to say I didn't find visualisation worked last time; picturing myself on a Scottish Island watching the 'contraction waves' was just a stretch too far! But today the teacher suggested visualising blowing your breath out until it reaches a certain point away from you, then returning - which I think I would find easier to concentrate on. Concentrating on the breath out is key, as if you think about it sighing is a release of tension - using pursed lips makes it more controlled. Plus, breathing out uses abdominal muscles, so helps push baby. If labour is going too fast and you can be mobile, kneel down with bum in the air and elbows/forearms on the ground to stop baby putting pressure against your pelvic floor, that slows labour down and is also useful when crowning.

So I'm really hoping that practicing techniques will ingrain them such that I can actually USE them during labour, and by using them they will make labour easier - even if I don't expect to be very 'relaxed'...

Good luck with deciding what will work for you!

Gaelicsheep I really hope you do give it a try, like I said I thought at first I was only using it to relax, but believe me there are plenty of benefits to relaxing during the last few weeks of pregnancy.

But I think something happened on a deeper level because the first time I used the cd I cried a bit because I wanted the birth described so badly instead of what I had experienced before.

I wish you the best of luck.

Hello all, Gaelicsheep - I'm another one who is totally in denial about the birth of my second - I am only 20 wks so have a lot longer to think about it but I can feel my heart beating and I get very emotional when i think about going through it all over again! (and it was 5 1/2 years ago for goodness sake!)

I have to say that I would second the suggestion to do some yoga to help with breathing etc especially to get through the first stage - it really helped to cope with the contractions early on (and a big factor in me being able to get to 8cm before I went to hospital before things started going wrong)

Good luck - will be very interested to hear how you get on - hope it all goes wonderfully for you.

Thanks all. I will try to take on board, but I think I've a way to go before I'll believe that breathing will help in any way, shape or form. I couldn't even breathe in the gas & air last time around.

My conclusion for myself at least is the fear thing happens whether you have had traumatic birth previously or not
My first was back to back, lasted 40 hours of such pain. I thought I was pathetic being unable to cope. I dont believe in birth plans although water birth was my preference and I did know I absolutely did not want a needle in my spine. Needed epidural in the end and was the best thing I ever did.

For the second I got to about 35 weeks and was terified of the birth. I didn't find the first birth traumatic by any stretch, just really painful. Bizarre thing was I would rather have gone through the birth in exactly the same way as the first because at least I knew I got through it. First bit was completely pain free although I knew it had started. I delayed going to birth centre because even though contractions 3 mins apart, wasn't that painful. Hmmmm. Got there, 5 cm dilated, stepped into bath 1 massive contraction and started pushing. So different. Almost enjoyed it
Now 35 weeks on my 3rd. I am absolultely petrified AGAIN even though last one was so easy. There is no helping me. One thing I am hoping for - with both of them I do remember getting to final days and the need to get it over and done with dominated all other feelings. Hoping for that feeling again!!!

That's a good point Esme. I guess everyone feels like this at some point as birth is hardly a pleasant experience for anyone! Although some women do genuinely seem to forget, and I never have. I too am hoping for the time to kick in when I'm so uncomfortable I want baby out, come what may!

gs You and I go way back in this topic, under different names both. Give hypnobirthing a try. I'm an akward customer, very, but found it a blessing (After a week of finding it bloody annoying I have to admit), I used the natal hypnotherapy CDs. It isn't too late. I started using them about where you are now.

It really helped me keep some control over the situation and to keep calm. That's all they do. It isn't magic. Just a way of putting your mind somewhere else for a few seconds in a planned way. I never got properly into it, but it was a useful tool.

Another thing I did was refuse all internals. There was no way I was ever going to be in a position again where I was in pain yet being told I wasn't in active labour. Keeping the dilation a 'secret' gave me a huge amount of control over the situation. As far as I was concerned I was in active labour when I said so.

This had the following effects:

1. MW had to be more available, present and watchful.

2. I was able to go into a timeless peace without the stress of orders, timings etc.

3. I didn't have to be manhandled or touched EVER.

4. I decided myself that I was about 3 cm, judging from the pain I remembered last time, panicked that I couldn't do 8 hours of this again, and found myself pushing a couple of minutes later, and baby born.

i don't have much advice but i do have sympathy having had two traumatic births and lots of anxieties and blatant sobbing leading up to second one.
it probably will be better for you second time around (seems to be for most people) although it wasn't for me i think i have handled things better second time somehow. you are probably a stronger person now and can manage it better.
i put in my birth plan about some of my anxieties and the midwives seemed to understand (thought they would think i was just an emotional nutter but they didn't) in fact that was most of my birth plan - a huge section entitled fears and anxieties!
also when i couldn't really communicate with anyone else i could with birth partner, for my it was DH, so he passed on comments to midwives (or they overheard if attentive0.
if i ever do it again i shall take on board ninky nonks suggestion of not being examined. i wish i had done that with DD.
for me on the whole journey late pregnancy second time around was probably the worst point, even though second birth was also difficult, the lead up was worse. so hopefully things will get better for you too gaelic sheep.

btw i had no pain relief first time and epidural second. if you are terrified of pain i would recommend an epidural to help calm you down. it was certainly the right thing for me.

TBH there is not much you can do, there are no exercises you can do now to make it better, so dont be too hard on yourself

I am NOT looking forward to it, at all. I had a similar to you, but I think I had more fear whereas you had the pain

my friend gave me some good advice. I was saying how fucking scary and petrifying it was first time, and she said that the more fear you have,. the worst it is

So this time I am going to try and RELAX, and stay at home. and I am definately going to have an epidural if I want one. If pain is the issue epidurals are your best friend!

also everyone I know had OK second births,the body knows what to do, and it has already stretched

sorry not much help but alot of sympathy

when are you due?