How can I make myself prepare for this birth and drag myself out of denial?

[gaelicsheep]

Hi. I'm nearly 35 weeks pregnant with my second child. It took me 3 years after my first experience to even contemplate another pregnancy because of a traumatic delivery. I've spent most of this pregnancy alternating between flashbacks and blocking it out completely and seem now to be settled on the latter. The details are fading and I'm left with this sense of impending dread that I just don't want to deal with. Consequently I have no interest in preparing a birth plan, which as far as I can see is pretty pointless, packing a hospital bag, or anything really. And I can't focus on being excited about the new baby because I can't get past the thought of that day.

Without going into the gory details I had a natural delivery with an OP baby, but a prolonged second stage (3.5 hours) and an excruciatingly painful first stage with next to no pain relief. The no pain relief was partly my own fault for expressing a preference for G&A only and then finding the pain so bad that I withdrew to the point that I couldn't communicate that I just couldn't cope. The pain was agonising and pretty much continuous (no break between contractions) from around 3cm onwards. This time around I am simply terrified of the pain.

I'd be really grateful to hear from anyone else who had a traumatic first delivery. How did you make yourself face up to it and prepare for the next one?

Hi gaelicsheep,

I too had an extremely traumatic first birth and I know exactly how you feel, it hung over me the whole way through my second pregnancy. I was full of dread.

First I would try and talk to your mw or ob and figure out what were the causes of your trauma. For me my dd was in a bad position (prosterior) which led things to go from bad to worse once I went into the hospital. I spent the last few weeks for my next birth drapped over a birthing ball to get ds into the best position.

So second time round I hired a doula, because of all the staff changes during my long delivery (went in on Fri, gave birth Sun evening)

My doula gave me a hypno birthing cd which I used everyday for the last couple of weeks. Got to say it worked. I gave birth exactly as I had told myself I would, with ease, no stiches. Only thing was it worked so well I didn't have time to get to the hospital and was lucky all went well. So be warned hypno birthing can make your body so relaxed it comes on much quicker. Between my waters breaking and giving birth I only had 1 hr and was on my own in the beginning.

But, you can do it. My doula asked was I confident? No I wasn't but the last few weeks I changed my attitude and it worked.

Also every birth is different, having experienced such opposite extremes I really believ that now.

The last few weeks ask your mw exactly what position your baby is in, optimium is best. I also had pohotcopies of baby in that position posted around the house.

Best of luck.

I had a traumatic delivery (dd) followed by an elective c/s (ds). Had I not been allowed the c/s I would have pushed very strongly (pardon the pun) for an epidural. Would you consider an epidural? If so, write it in big capital letters several times all over your birthplan and start asking about it, and have your dh/dp on message, as soon as you arrive at hospital.

Thanks Seashore. My MW is coming to see me at home next week so we can talk things through without interruption. I am quite scared I'm just going to fall apart though.

I am willing baby to stay LOA and really trying to avoid sitting on sofas etc. Last time he was ROA which is what led to him flipping back to back and spending hours rotating 270 degrees (although no one realised until he came out facing the opposite way). But if baby does stay in the optimal position I'm worried I may end up having false expectations of a straightforward birth when it could easily be just as bad.

There are no doulas up here unfortunately. My MW did mention hypnobirthing to me ages ago but I'm really sceptical. Plus I'm finding it so hard to even contemplate the thought that I don't want to listen to any CDs or anything. I think I've just convinced myself that nothing I do is going to make any difference.

To make it even worse, we're so much further from the hospital this time (at least half an hour down single track roads) and last time around 5 minutes in the car was more than I could bear.

BibbityBobbityHat - I have been wondering whether I should be focusing on overcoming my fear of epidurals rather than my fear of the pain. But then what if I'm relying on an epidural and I can't have one? It's never guaranteed is it? It depends if there's an anaesthetist available etc. etc. If I'd geared myself up to be able to cope on that basis, and then found I couldn't have one, I'm not sure what I'd do!

See, it's so tricky, for most an epidural works, I'm completely for them. My experience though with my prosterior birth was that the epidural made it worse because I had to be on my back and with baby in that position it was agony. A lot depends on the babies position,you might be surprised and find it's not so bad this time round. Also your body knows better what to do having already done it once.

It took me so much courage to have my second, I almost didn't do it because of my first birth but it turned out so differently.

Gaelic, I'm in the same position as you except today is my due date. I had a similar labour with my first in that I had asked for no pain relief and then couldn't speak to ask for any. My baby wasn't op and fortunately the pushing stage was much shorter for me, but I did get a 2nd degree tear and the whole experience was intense agony.

This time round the anxiety has been building, and came to a head a couple of weeks ago when I thought I had a show, and almost had a panic attack over it. It was at that point that I decided "bollocks to this" and have written out my birth plan stipulating that I want an epidural.

I wish I had read the hypnobirthing stuff, no time now unfortunately, but just making the decision of "I'm not going to try and be brave, not going to see how I get on, not going to try and make do - just give me pain relief!" calmed me right down.

I know that epidurals don't always work 100% for everyone, and they aren't some miracle with no down sides but I'd rather take my chances on it working than not have one at all and go through all that pain by choice again.

Do you think that making a decision about accepting pain relief might help you calm down a bit too? I totally understand the panic, it can be such a violent act, no matter how natural it is.

Epidurals are a Godsend and fabulous IMHO. They are quite safe.
I have had 3 children and i didnt get one with the 2nd baby and it was very very painful, so like you i was very scared about 3rd baby coming. As it turned i got my epidural and b 4 hand i used the Gas and Air (and use it well...deep deep breaths in !!!) and it was the best birth out of all of them. So try not to worry ...get your EARLY Epidural...which IS possible and keep positive. It wont be the same as the first birth, they never are.
Wishing you the very best of luck and an easy easy time.

I think its very rare for people not to get an epidural, so long as they ask for it early enough in labour.

Forgot to say, I did find TENS remarkably effective pain relief for the first 8 hours or so of my first labour.

xposted quite a bit there, sorry. Why are you scared of epidurals? I don't like needles much, and especially the thought of one in my back, but I bet the pain of a local anaesthetic being stuck into your back is nothing compared to a mid-labour contraction.

Unfortunately TENS was about as useful for me as a chocolate teapot. I'm not even going there this time.

Epidurals, hmm. It is definitely the thought of a needle in my spine that simply terrifies me. And the thought of having to stay stock still - what if a contraction comes on while they're doing it? And this will sound really stupid, but part of me feels that I will have failed and just given in if I opt for an epidural without even knowing how bad it might or might not be.

I'm being really negative aren't I? I just don't want to do this, plain and simple, but I know I have no choice!

JamesAndTheGiantBanana,that's a pity, I only got busy with the hypno cd 2 weeks before, you're supposed to use it at least 6 weeks before so I thought it would do nothing, I was only really using it to relax, but it certainly worked.

My mw who wasn't impressed about me not getting to the hospital (but still supportive, just couldn't get why the doula didn't see I was in active labour, I don't know why either, it all just happened very quickly)said another women that was due same time as me had been using the cd and it was her 1st, but had an easy birth only 3 hrs after arriving in hospital, so I think there is something in it.

Meant to say, best of luck to you James. I really hope it goes smoothly for you this time. Sounds like you're being much more positive than me!

gaelic, you won't have failed if you accept pain relief. There probably should be medals handed out to the brave ladies who go through the ordeal that natural birth can be, but there aren't any.

Whatever happens, however long it lasts, however much you do or don't suffer, the end result is the same, you get a baby and have to deal with your recovery, both physically and emotionally.

I do understand where you're coming from because that's how I was with my first birth, I didn't want pain relief before the pain was bad enough to merit it - however as you know, you can get to a point where the pain is suddenly so bad you can't ask for pain relief (I couldn't speak at all, it was just blind panic into the gas n air tube)

Thanks, it's not so much that I'm more positive than you, maybe I've just had a few more weeks of panic than you and finally got to the "massive and resigned to it" stage

No but seriously though, I understand what you mean about not getting prepared, because you just don't want to go through it at all. I didn't buy anything for this baby til I was 7 months gone, and my bag still isn't 100% finished (as if not putting my dressing gown in there will hold off labour) lol

I was at your stage now, I'd definitely read one of those hypnobirthing books, I've heard nothing but good things about them. It's not as if they could do any harm, anyway.

Oh God, I really don't know how I'm going to get past this mental block I've developed. I'm working full time up to 39 weeks, currently against doctor's advice, and my main reason is so that I don't have time to think about what's coming. I am being completely pathetic, I know, but I really feel like I'm past the point of no return just now.

X-posted. Yes I do remember the first time reaching the point where I would have done almost anything to get the baby out (not sure I'd have thought that if I'd known what was coming mind!)

I hope you're right and I will get resigned to it at some point.

I'd pay to have my 2nd birth again it was fantastic ... 1st one traumatic, only given 2 paracetamols as '1st time mum's take ages so you can't have any pain relief yet.' Examined after 8 hrs to find 10 cm, no time for pain relief (not even gas and air) started pushing whilst fully dressed! Baby back to back, ventous failed 3 times so turned 180 degrees with forceps and pulled out. By this time had no recollection of what was happening and cant remember being given my son. Oh and to top it all, sewn up wrong so had to be unstitched and restitched again. 2nd birth advised to get epidural so I could remember the birth. Did so and was totally fantastic, loved every minute and would, as I said, pay to do it again. Believe in yourself. Have the confidence and you can do it.

I had a traumatic first delivery,and I really worried I might not have the guts to get pregnant again,luckily it took one night or i might have lost my nerve.I ended up with another c-section which I'd dreaded,but the whole experience was so much better that it really did go some way towards healing the wounds of the first birth.Get all the help and support you can,from the hospital and outside it (I had a doula the second time,and support from the hospital) And if you feel truly like you can't face another labour then you would probably be entitled to ask for a c-section.

jolufc - that sounds so similar to me. I too was offered paracetamol because it was "too early" for gas and air. I think that seriously contributed to me clamming up from then on, not to mention panicking at how much worse it could possibly get. As it turned out the pain at 3 cms was the same as the pain at 10 cms ie agonising.

hellymelly - yes I'm hoping that if it does go OK it might help me deal with the first birth once and for all.

I just need to get a grip basically, don't I, and stop acting like a spoilt child.

seashore - what was the hypnotherapy CD that you used? I had one last time but I don't think the 'waves/seashore' imagery worked for me...

sorry for hijack!

Birth fears are not pathetic, I completely sympathise. This is why I've decided on the epidural, because I feel like it's taken away so much uncertainty - all I have to worry about now is getting to the hospital in time to request one. Funnily enough I have the same situation going on as you, last time I lived 5 mins from the hospital, this time I live 30 mins away. And of course you have to arrange childcare etc second time round.

The way I see it, you can do any of the following:

1. Read positive birth stories and books by midwives like Ina May Gasking or Sheila Kitsinger who both take a calm woman-centred attitude to birth.

2. Read hypnobirthing books. Even if you suspend belief for now they may help to calm you.

3. Research epidurals to get your head around them a bit more.

4. Fake it til you make it. Start to tell yourself every day that it will be fine, the likelihood of you having that exact same birth is incredibly slim. The baby will probably be the right way round this time. Your tissues will be softer, stretchier, the body will remember how to push. It will be quicker and easier.

I'll come back here after I've had this baby and let you know how I got on, if you like? I'll be honest and tell you all about the epidural, if I have one.

You don't sound like a spoilt child at all,or like someone who needs to get a grip.It is completely reasonable and understandable to feel like this after what you've been through.Does your hospital have a mental health co-ordinator?You might feel that sounds a bit extreme,but They deal with post birth trauma and post natal depression etc,I was given some time with the one at hospital I was at (UCH) and she was absolutely brilliant,she was really clear and kind and understanding and helped me decide whether to try for a vbac etc.She came to see me while I was in labour and after my baby was born and I felt really cared for.I honestly felt like a weight had shifted after the second birth,I was so completely happy.

That's a good point hellymelly, this time round I spoke to the supervisor of midwives about the last birth, she came to my house and we talked at length, she calmed me right down telling me why things were done/not done last time, what my birth options were this time, and she helped me do my birth plan (even if it is mostly just "gimme drugs!")

Perhaps you'd think about doing that, gaelic? I bet talking with a professional about your experience would be both enlightening and reassuring for you.