First baby, convinced labour pain will kill me.help.

[Monkor]

Help please. I am Expecting my first child in September, i have never been the maternal type mainly because from a very young age I was convinced that childbirth would be so unbearable i would die from shock. So much so that i never wanted children. Now i am 12 weeks pregnant and although i should be happy i cannot stop thinking of how the labour is going to be unbearable and whether i will make it ok.

So so scared, just need some reassurance that my body will cope

Congratulations.
Rest assured, your body will cope.

It will hurt, but you will cope. There are drugs to help and a marvellous thing called an epidural.

Try to talk to your midwife about your concerns and please try to enjoy your pregnancy!

Monkor, firstly congratulations on your pregnancy.

Yes childbirth hurts, but there are 2 things you need to focus on:

1. the joy the baby will give you will far outweigh the pain you feel - that is hard to understand until you have experienced it as, apart from childbirth, pain is usually only associated with scary things like injury and disease. But this pain, bad though it will be, will bring you the greatest, most satisfying and biologically meaningful thing you can ever do.

2. there is pain relief out there! No matter what you read re natural painfree labours, you don't have to do it that way. You can go in and use every drug offered you if you want, and you will still experience the joy of childbirth. Don't let others, with their "I did it without any pain relief at all and so can you" influence you. Read up about all the drugs, attend the antenatal classes, visit the labour ward of your hospital and talk to your midwife when you see her.

You will be fine!

What kind of experience with pain do you have already? e.g. have you ever broken a bone, had surgery etc? Just wondering what started your fear. I've given birth, and I've had problems with my kneecap. The kneecap made me cry, the birth didn't.

FWIW, it hurt a lot less than I expected, I'd probably seen too many films/programs with women giving birth screaming in agony. Reality was nothing like that. And there is lots of pain relief available.

monkor, congratulations on your pregnancy, and I'm very sorry you are having an anxious time of it so far.

I don't think there's a pregnant woman alive who doesn't have some anxious thoughts about labour - however, and this is a BIG 'however', there are some women for whom this anxiety is so great that it crosses into the territory of genuine phobia. A phobia of childbirth is sometimes called tokophobia.

(if it helps, think of the difference between being feeling down and miserable, and clinical depression. Or the difference between being shocked after a scary event, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.)

Only you know how you really feel. I'm not replying to 'diagnose' you in any way! that would be incredibly silly - but I would ask you to consider seeing a doctor you know is sympathetic (wish they all were, but they aren't) and describing your feelings as accurately as you can. I would let them know this is a longstanding fear, and make sure they listen to what you are saying. (you don't need to know WHY you feel like this - plenty of people with depression have no idea why they are depressed, but that's ok.)

There are all sorts of things that can help you, whether it's a case of alleviating 'normal' fears, or dealing with a phobia. Whatever happens, you already know you don't want to go through nine months as scared as you are now, and you shouldn't have to.

So I would say, you don't need to wait for a midwife's appointment. If it's something which is a big source of anxiety for you, and I think from your post it is, then you can make an appointment with the doctor as soon as you can.

Don't listen to horror stories. Not all women have traumatic births. Boring births with no screaming don't make good TV.

I suggest that you find out about hypnobirthing/ natal hynotherapy CDs. It is good to have as many strageries as possible for coping with pain incase you have to wait for your epidural.

Birth experiences are luck and there is no point in assuming you will have a bad experience. I think listening to CDs would help you relax more and sleep better. If the worst happens and you do have a horrible brith then being well rested before the birth will help you recover quickly.

Hi Monkor - I really recommend that you do a course in hypnobirthing or similar - I'm a big believer in Dick Readly-Grant's theory that the more fear you bring to labour the more it will hurt.

And anyway, you can always have an epidural.

This is my third pregnancy and honestly I am looking forward to the birth - when my son was born I used tens/G&A and hypnobirthing in stage 1 and just water in stage 2 - and honestly it only really hurt for the 5 mins I was pushing him out - and even then it was manageable!

Don't worry about pain. Every labour is different, and like you I had heard all the horror stories and was as far from maternal asyou can get. Personally my labour was very exhausting but I wouldn't say it was painful...mine felt like having a really bad tummy upset with period cramps ...uncomfortable, but that was all. I should say it was bad when I laid down, I gave birth standing or kneeling (let gravity help). I only used a tens machine so it wasn't down to pain relief either. Just remember that as a woman you are designed to have children and your body knows what it's doing.

We have all survived it and there is no reason why you should be any different.

If you want a pain-free labour, get an epidural.

Don't worry - there is pain, but there are ways to cope and its different for everyone. The other thing is that there is respite during - it doesn't hurt inbetween contractions.
Its a type of pain that you cannot recall clearly after the event either.
I had lots of pain relief but a friend of mine just had a few whiffs of gas and air and was fine.

While I had what many would consider to be a traumatic birth, the thing that stays with me is the frustration of it all, not pain. I don't enjoy being pregnant, and by the time I went into labour I was in a very 'bring it on! how hard can it be?' frame of mind. I feel I prepared myself well for the mental challenges of labour, I had a great meditation technique going on. While I would be lying to say it did not hurt, it really did not hurt so badly that I ever at any point thought I would die. I would recommend looking into hypnobirthing or deep relaxation techniques - they can be very powerful suppressors of pain. When I was at university I studied the physiology, psychology and pharmacology of pain and it's control, and there is good clinical evidence that with practice the power of the mind can override pain sensations. Preparation is the key though. Try not to be afraid of it.

Labour pain isn't like normal pain. Your body enters a very unusual state with all sorts of hormones flying around. Endorphins, adrenaline will make you feel superpowered and are naturally pain-relieving. The sort of hormones which let you work out or run then feel exhilarated.

I second the suggestion for hypnobirthing. I'd also seek out a doula at this point if you can - someone who is kind, understanding and will be there to hold your hand when you give birth if you want it.

Finding ways to help you take control will ease the pain. TENS is one method. I found the pain relief it provides amazing and a good TENS machine gives you a sense of control - you feel as though you're zapping the contractions, turning up the dial to fight the pain away.

Another way to take control is to prepare yourself as much as you can - get antenatal classes that are positive, perhaps yoga too so you feel your body is strong and ready to work well.

You can do it. Labour hurts but is manageable. And there's always an epidural if you really can't cope.

Oh, and stay away from horror stories.

Labour and birth is one of the most life changing events a woman can go through so from that woman's point of view, it is the BIGGEST thing she's ever done and she will describe it to you in terms of how big and incredible it was to her. To make the point, there will be lots of talk of agony and unbearable pain.

Which will sound overwhelming to you. But it's not. It's a way of articulating this huge thing she went through. But not an overwhelming thing. Just a huge, life-changing thing.

Child birth is not unbearable! The human race would have died out otherwise. Amd who would have more than one child?

I had a highly interventionist birth, far from your average birth plan. But even that was OK. It is 1 day in your life, and the result is SO worth it!

please be assured that you and your body will cope!

(if it didnt we would be extinct!) ask anyone with 2 or more - they go back for seconds so it cant be that bad! ive got 2. anyway - labour is the easy bit - its the next 20 years or so you need to worry about. ha ha! joke....honestly you will be fine. and in the great scheme of things its over in the blink of an eye.

dont talk to anyone else who has had a baby. they will start the competative labour thing...just relax and youll be fine.promise.

I was terrified too.I did a hypnobirthing course and ended up really looking forward to it.
It wasn't pain-free by any stretch but I could cope because of all the relaxation and breathing techniques. And I am a big wimp usually.
It's worth preparing some breathing/ relaxation techniques even if you're sure you want an epidural because it will really help in early labour and you may have a wait for your epidural.
Plus it really helps to take the fear away just knowing that you have a whole raft of coping techniques- I used a combination of paracetamol, baths, tens, the hypnobirthing and gas and air. Plus, don't tell anyone, but I also had the odd glass of wine...
Your body was designed to do this and will cope, it will not break you.
Good luck.

I was utterly terrified of labour. To the point where I cried every night fearing what could happen - it's very normal!

Yes it did farking hurt, but with gas and air & Tens machine I coped (would have had more but was a reasonably quick labour). I also felt myself go 'into myself' (odd way of describing it) but to the point where I knew it hurt but I was so self absorbed it was almost an afterthought (even though I still knew I was in lots of pain!)

Seriously, you will be fine. If you feel you need the drugs, take them.

You wouldn't have a tooth out without anathaestic if you needed it, would you??

Congratulations and good luck

monkor - I was pretty terrified of the pain of giving birth too - but I had hypnobirthing sessions before it and it really helped A Lot - took the fear out of the situation and helped me cope. Look into it, it's a real help for birth fear.

Congratulations on your pg - you will cope anyway, honestly - give the hypnobirthing a chance.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I too was pretty terrified of labour as everyone says its the worst pain imaginable. I'd always suffered crippling period pains and couldnt imagine worse. My labour started early and I didnt even realise because it wasnt nearly as bad as I expected or worked myself up into thinking it would be. just the last 30 minutes or so. And by the time I'd got to hospital it was too late for any drugs.
Good luck, and enjoy your pregnancy - its a magical time

Congratulations.

I felt exactly the same as you when preg with my first. I also thought I had a very low pain threshold growing up and my mother always told me I did.

For DS1s birth I used the pool in the hospital with G&A and actually enjoyed it.
Yes it hurt, but I felt positive and very calm and in control.

I went on to have 2 more babies either using the pool and G&A or G&A alone and am intending to do it again in April so it isn't that bad!

Your body is designed to do it and to a certain extent will just get on with it - you just have to join in!

Thinking about the prize at the end, the fact that every pain brings the baby closer and the excitement of meeting the baby keep me going.

I third or fourth or even fifth the hynobirthing! There's 2 types that I know of - the Mongan Method, and Natal Hypnotherapy. In your shoes I would definitely earmark money to do a course. Alternatively consider one-to-one hypnotherapy sessions with a hypnotherapist who's experienced in helping with birth fear.

Try some inspiring reading material, of the sort that point out that women's bodies are well designed to give birth such as "Ina May's Guide to Childbirth", "Hypnobirthing, the Mongan Method" and "Effective Chilbirth Preparation" which is the Natal Hypnotherapy book. I've seen other people comment on how this kind of book can turn their minds around from fearing the birth to looking forwards to it...

If you want some in-depth information on why most women find birth painful, and what to do about it, try Grantley Dick-Read's "Childbirth Without Fear", written in 1950's, so somewhat archaic (and sexist!), but some good stuff in there.

Don't read any negative birth stories, or listen to any - just cut people off - don't worry about being rude!
Don't watch any footage of birth except the kind that looks calm and easy.

Check out Laura Shaney's freebirthing website - not because I think freebirthing's a good idea for most people, but because it has a lot of inspiring stuff on there about achieving relatively painfree, easy birth.

One of the things I didn't know (and I think it's important) is that the pain isn't continuous. It's not like you're just in pain for hours. Contractions hurt, but they have a beginning, a middle and an end. Then there is a time of no-pain-at-all, then the next contraction, and so on.

I counted through all my contractions for a bit of a sense of control and of 'I can do this, only got to count to 10 more...'

As others have said, there are loads of pain releaving drugs, and anything you can do to gain a sense of control and reduce the fear will help enormously.

Agree with everything already said. And if you do absolutely nothing else to prepare... definately do the hypnobirthing/natal hypnotherapy course!

One thing that nobody had yet mentioned is that it doesn't always hurt and that you don't need an epidural for it not to.

Let us know how you get on as pregnancy progresses...

This is a very interesting first post, especially as there's been a story in the papers about this recently. And I notice that the OP hasn't come back ...

I hope that it's genuine, as people here have given some great advice.

And if childbirth was that bad, the human race would have died out long ago.

I was fortunate enough to have two very quick and relatively painless births, so it doesn't always have to hurt.

becauseImWorthIt, can you remember what/where the story was? Just curious. Thx.

Well I read the Guardian and the Independent on Sunday, so it is most likely to have been in one of those. But I was travelling a lot last week, and my business partner reads the Daily Mail ...

It has a name, this particular kind of phobia. Can't remember what it is - will Google.