Only 23 more nightmares to go before the consultant meeting

[Babieseverywhere]

Rang SOM at hospital to try and pin down what is so essential about this meeting with the consultant which I need to attend.

I have two failed births behind me and the first left me with PSTD. I am having nightly nightmares about this meeting another three weeks of little sleep until this bit is over, spent 40 minutes on the phone and am still no clearer what it is about.

Apparently it is not to tell me what to do or to get me to change my home birth plans.
Nor is it a box ticking exercise. So what is it. The SOM admits she has already gone over the relevant risk factors with me.

I want to cancel but my DH thinks we should attend and listen just in case there is anything we need to know. I think the consultant will be using scare tactics to try and force us into hospital. Not that it will work, I just want a good nights sleep

I generally struggle to keep my composure in hospital at the best of times. I get through scan dates with a gritted smile on my face. Stuck in a small room with a patronising consultant when I am already frightened and vulnerable means I end up fighting my own 'fight flight' instinct ending up in tears. Hardly a suitable arena to take in new information.

SOM repeating how I would be safer in hospital, that they wouldn't do the things the last hospital did to me....then she slips mentions the continuous monitoring as essential. Something which started the issues with my first birth...they are all the same.

Not expecting a response just wanted to get things out of my head.

am sorry that you are hving such a hard and difficult time

i do thikn it is essential you atend the meeting, even if it is to simply nod and smile and ssay, ' I am making an informed decision to decline your advice, and will be doing XYZ'

CFM is not essential, but will be advised. you can decline it

the hospital, from their POV will be thinking you are high risk, two em c.s's already and want to ensure your baby's and your own safety within their protocols

Thanks Lulu, my DH thinks the same. I hate confrontation.

(BTW just one CS + one VB with forceps)

Do you subscribe to the Yahoo homebirth chatgroup, BE? If not, its here

It is excellent for advice and sharing experiences of very specific circumstances.

ah, sorry, beg your pardon, i was mistaken re your second birth

so that is a good thing, youh'ave had VBAC, so not a HBA2C

i think you need to be pragmatic and accep ttheir will be a fight to get what you want.

Would it be worth taking another bod in with you (perhaps not just your DH)? Are you having a doula? If so, she could be a good idea.

Hi Babieseverywhere

Sorry to hear this is stressing you out so much.

As you've already gone over the risks with the SOM and made an informed decision to have a home birth then in my opinion you're entitled to just cancel this appointment. I'm not telling you what to do (that's why I stressed that it's just my opinion - only you can decide), but the prospect of it seems to be terrifying you and an easy solution is to just cancel it, as it doesn't sound like you'll be missing out on anything.

But if you do decide to go, then I think you and your DH can practise your responses...possibly even get him to be the spokesperson iykwim, so you don't have to "do" confrontation as such. Practising your responses/answers, such as Lulumama's suggestion, can really help your confidence in dealing with this. No one can force you to do anything so you have more strength than perhaps it feels like at the moment.

Good luck with it. And feel free to come back and vent as you need or want to

Also, just re-read your OP and saw that the SOM said you'll be safer in hospital - try not to get hung up on comments like this, as they work in a hospital setting so it's their norm - you know the risks and have made an informed choice. And you can always transfer in from home at any point that you need or want to.

Sorry, CS was my second birth. So this would be a HBAC with previous VB.

I just hate losing control, it wouldn't be to bad if the meeting was sooner but waiting weeks is hard.

DH is taking in a Dictaphone, so I can listen to get after I get home and stop shaking. I don't think the hospital people will like it. But my other suggestions were ignored.

I had suggested that is the aim of the meeting was transfer of information was to email me the information before the meeting so I could read it whilst I was relaxed at home OR send DH on his own and have him relate things to me later.

But no, apparently it is essential that I attend in person and be embarrassed by my overreactions to being in hospital and proximity to consultant.
These are the people who claim to want the best for me.

Why is lecturing an upset pregnant mother helpful to anyone. I am happy to have any new relevant information so we can weigh up risk factors, I just wished there was another way to get it.

perhpas you should email /write in and say you have anxiety/white coat syndrome and would prefer to make some compromises to ensure your anxiety levels are not raised?

ask for an email/letter of the agenda of teh meeting, tehy will know in advance what they want to discuss

or suggest they come out to your home to meet with you

perhaps get back in touch with the LSA supervisor of midwives too

I have an agreement with a lovely doula but have yet to sort out the contract due to several unexpected bills at our end.

It is not fair to ask her to help us until we have at least scrapped together a deposit at the very least. I need to email her.

Gosh, this sounds very bad.

Can a MW from your local team of community MWs not come round to your home to discuss all the opinions with you, in the comfort of your own home?

Lulu, I told the SOM I was having nightmares and about my anxiety about hospitals. I think she was a bit shocked when she mentioned my 'choice' to go to the consultant led unit.

I said it was no option, that it would be the same as agreeing to be attacked on a predetermined day and voluntarily walking in to that situation. I know that makes me seem unhinged but I can not for my own mental well being allow myself to be tied to a bed in a CLU.

I might ring the lovely LSA midwife, I just didn't want to bother her, unless the hospital withdraws support.

glad you have a doula. i wish i was nearer to you, i would love to support you

is the LSA midwife JK?

if so , and think it is, she is an absolute gem

i think you have compelling psycholgoical issues to push for your HBAC, smae as women have those reasons for pushing for IOL or CS

just slightly more unusual request

your state of mind is exceptionally importnat

please don't feel like you've failed. your births did not go according to plan, but there was n ofailure

Bonsoir,

I have to see the community midwifes tomorrow

Just deleted a big rant on that subject. I am hoping that they will be more supportive than they were last time. Zips mouth and crosses fingers.

Yes, JK. She was on call in case of emergencies last time but flipping DS arrived whilst she was on holiday. No sense of timing that child (very cute mind)

JK is so lovely, I really hope babe comes when she is around just in case. JK came out to me years ago to talk to me about DD's birth. It really helped.

Lulu, you do support me Your posts are always are compassionate and sensible. Plus you tell the facts as they are, even when I don't want to hear it like telling me I should go and listen to this meeting. But yes, I do wish you lived a lot nearer

can i ask a (possibly) silly question>?

if you are definitely having a home birth. if this has been discussed and agreed. if you are 100% sure. if you are really, really unhappy about this meeting...

why are you going??

inb fact, i think i would either ring them, or write to them and say that actually, this is causing you a huge amount of stress and you aren't willing to do it.
so you will not be attending.

if they want to talk to you then please ring you and arrange a time to come over to your house

Hi babieseverywhere I am beginning to quake on your behalf at your having to go to see the consultant. I also DETEST hospitals and know that ability to birth a baby can be severely inhibited by being in a hospital environment for some of us.

This is what I did in a similar situation: hired an IM and got her to cancel the consultant appointment on my behalf and had an easy (if somewhat speedy) homebirth.

Pehaps you should ring the doula and explain your financial state. Most people who do that kind of job aren't in it just for the money.

You are not unhinged, you just want to do what is best for you and your baby. Good luck!

Not a silly question.

That is why I rang to try and pin down what this meeting was about and possibly linked to. I got no real answer. I was worried that non attendance would be counted against us when it came to requesting homebirth midwife.

My DH is happily supporting the HB but thinks it is best to go, listen and nod to the consultant and then we have made the effort he feels if reasonable to make.

I would rather just stick my head in the sand, not a real mature point of view but sounds more appealing option than an consultant meeting.

This sounds like horrible and unnecessary bullying on the hospital's part.

If the meeting is so important, surely it could be conducted elsewhere? Coming to your home might feel to intrusive, but a meeting room at a neutral location (eg your GPs if that's not too stressful) might work? I think I would refuse to attend unless they agreed to come and meet me halfway, so to speak.

Not sure this was helpful, but PTSD is so horrible and I don't think some people really take it into account, even if their eyes have bothered to pass over it in your notes. You have my sympathy, good luck.

thank yu for your kind words. glad to be of some small service via t'interweb

if it cannot be clarified to you what the meeting is for, then it seems more like a bullying/intimidatory meeting

they might be shit scared of litigation should anything go wrong

i'd be inclined to say you'd sign a waiver in return fr your homebirth being signed off [grin

Apparantly this consultant only does meeting on Wednesday morning in hospital setting.

To be fair the SOM did say the meeting could be cancelled but she felt it was in our best interests to attend, as they only want us to have the best birth possible as long as you are tied to a CLU hospital bed

IM is out of our range, doula fee is a struggle but essential.

Well we hope the Dictaphone we are taking so I can listen to it later at home, should also ensure they are polite and not misleading in what they say.

Happy to sign any waiver if they sign off my homebirth. I did make it clear that this would be THE meeting. I am not coming back another time.

Did think about trying to pin them down of what we would not tolerate if we transfered to hospital again. But I realised if I transfered again, it would be another CS so no point fannying about worrying about stuff.

Plus doula ia ace strong woman and will keep things as calm as possible.

Babieseverywhere, can your GP help? If they were any use with the PTSD, they may be willing to mediate on your behalf, ie convince the consultant/ midwives that attending the meeting in hospital would be too upsetting for you and to conduct it elsewhere.

And you don't have any failed births behind you

Hope this situation is resolved soon for you and you can concentrate on preparing for your home birth.

Thanks HairyMelons. I went straight to birth crisis for counselling. I am pretty normal most of the time, as long as I avoid hospitals.

I will tolerate this meeting and spent the time concentrating on breathing and not getting upset and catch up with the content afterwards.