Only 23 more nightmares to go before the consultant meeting

[Babieseverywhere]

Rang SOM at hospital to try and pin down what is so essential about this meeting with the consultant which I need to attend.

I have two failed births behind me and the first left me with PSTD. I am having nightly nightmares about this meeting another three weeks of little sleep until this bit is over, spent 40 minutes on the phone and am still no clearer what it is about.

Apparently it is not to tell me what to do or to get me to change my home birth plans.
Nor is it a box ticking exercise. So what is it. The SOM admits she has already gone over the relevant risk factors with me.

I want to cancel but my DH thinks we should attend and listen just in case there is anything we need to know. I think the consultant will be using scare tactics to try and force us into hospital. Not that it will work, I just want a good nights sleep

I generally struggle to keep my composure in hospital at the best of times. I get through scan dates with a gritted smile on my face. Stuck in a small room with a patronising consultant when I am already frightened and vulnerable means I end up fighting my own 'fight flight' instinct ending up in tears. Hardly a suitable arena to take in new information.

SOM repeating how I would be safer in hospital, that they wouldn't do the things the last hospital did to me....then she slips mentions the continuous monitoring as essential. Something which started the issues with my first birth...they are all the same.

Not expecting a response just wanted to get things out of my head.

Well I never had a bad experience as such but my knees still went weak every time I went to hospital for ante natal appts. I nearly vomited when we had a look around theatre. Which is why I went for a homebirth. Ended up transferring but I got to spend most of my labour at home which was wonderful. And it wasn't bad once I transferred because my lovely community midwife (they do exist!) stayed with me.
A doula is a fab idea. As is zoning out during the meeting.
Good luck

how and where you birth your baby is YOUR choice.

they have a duty to send you a midwife whether or not you go to their silly meeting or not.

you know, you could be planning a hospital birth, and then decide you want a hoembirth and ring them when you go into labour and they would have to send one.

not going to this meeting can't/shouldn't have any bearing on their supplying of a midwife when you need one.

I honestly would be on the phone tomorrow mornming saying you want to know exactly what this meeting is about. AND that you would like it to be conducted elsewhere, and if they won't agree to that then you will assume that your homebirth has been signed off with no furhter need to hear from them

Its a shocker...but really they are not failed births, Id say most first time mothers I know (circa 70%) ended up with ECS or instrumental. Horrible, yes, shocking, yes, traumatic, yes, and to have it second time, bloody unlucky

But not failed, please dont say that!

I felt a bit like a failure too, and am working hard to get that negative feeling away

GOOD LUCK and remeber you are not alone,and you did NOT fail

Thanks ladies

Feeling more positive this morning spoke to my BF on the phone and that really helped, plus I have just had a chat with a lady from AIMS and she was lovely to chat to and so knowledgeable.

Plan is attend this meeting.

1. DH will be nodding and smiling at consultant in a friendly way.
2. Dictaphone will be recording for us to listen to later
3. I will be gibbering in the corner making an effort to smile, breath slowly and maybe make notes of anything that amuses me, giving me something to concentrate on in a positive way.
4. DH will ask one question asking why I will die within 8 minutes of a rupture, when the guideline say CS within 30 minutes, which we could easily manage from home (AIMS lady LOL at this one)
5. DH will end meeting by thanking everyone for giving us the information.
6. We will leave.
7. I will follow up with recorded delivery letter outlining our appreciation for making our decision an informed one and that we will continue to plan our home birth, unless our medical situation alters.

Breath

Feeling better about this. They are only following hospital protocols, this is not personal. Repeat until I believe it

That is a good plan, Babieseverywhere. You are planning a lot of smiling as a couple there. Sounds very calm and sensible. You will post about how you got on, won't you?

BEW I feel for you. Given your anxieties I am surprised the hospital has just organised a meeting for ages hence and expects you to wait for it chewing your nails all the while. V. insensitive.

I'm glad you're feeling better, but if you get worried again, why not ask the consultant (via his or her PA/secretary) to speak to you and your DH on the phone?

I did this when a peremptory instruction appeared in my notes ("Induce at 38 weeks"-no, I don't think so), and didn't get the call with him on high but had locum consultant flapping round me instead to explain it all.

But then I am a fully qualified Master Stroppypants with v scary face...

Of course I will rant update everyone here. You lot will be pleased when I eventually tie my tubes, no more self induced hosptial drama.

hope it all goes well BE.

I will laugh so much if you come back and say that they just wanted to plan for your homebirth and they're fine with it lol. that's the kind of thing that happens to me all the time, i get totally stressed about stuff and then it turns out really well lol

I can't say why, but I know today it won't be a 'nice' meeting. I'll update after it.

Its not a good example of "care" really, is it .

Looks like you've had some really great advice, both from on here and AIMS. Something else that you (or your DH ) might find handy to keep in your back pocket are these phrases by Mary Cronk. I only used the last one while in labour (MW hadn't realised she was leaning on my back...), but knowing that I could use them helped me stay much calmer when dealing with the consultant and reminded me that, ultimately, it was upto me whether I chose to accept their recommendation or not...

Fingers crossed for you.

(btw - if you really decide you can't face it, you could write a letter to the consultant and HOM stating the risks that have already been discussed with you and that, based on these risks, you are intending to give birth at home and expect to be supported in that decision, but that if there are further risks that have not yet been covered can they please put them in writing before the meeting... Shows you to be informed and invites further communication, but also keeps you out of the hospital unless they have something definite they want to add)

Good luck, BE. Hope they're gentle with you.