My fears about giving birth - please help if you've been through it

[Pinkflipflop]

Hi ladies

I'm v fascinated with childbirth and basically how women are able/brave enough to go through with it!

Think I may be obsessed with collecting info, reading birth stories, focusing on the pain element such as stitches without pain relief, CS, pooing during delivery.

Also have been reading lots about horrible horrible MW's 100 hours labours, being made to go into stirrups during delivery, feeling like a piece of meat - can't imagine coping with the loss of dignity

How do I know if I really could cope with everything that goes with giving birth? Have a v v supportive husband - but I'm not sure if I can do it.

So nervous, not sure if I really could.

Also, 3 people I know have had v poor birthing experiences in the last few months, and I am terrified.

Is it all worth it, in that does the pain really go away? Someone told me after delivery they were screaming as a doctor came at them with a needle to do the stitches with no pain relief - I can't think of anything worse.

Be gentle

of course it's all worth it!
yes, horrible things can and do happen, but to a minority of women. the ones who've had good labours and births tend not to be the ones shouting it from the rooftops and telling prospective mothers!!

My first labour was long, I was unprepared, it was pretty horrid and ended up with a lot of intervention.

I was determined not to make the same mistakes with my second, so read a lot, mostly about positive thinking (as I was planning a homebirth, so no pain relief avaiulable this time) and visualisation and ways to cope with pain.
I had the most fabulous labour ever, it left me wanting to do it again. honestly.

which meant that 19 months later I was doing it again! lol, another homebirth and it was fine (if a little fast)

You will cope, because you have to cope, but there are certainly things you can do to help. Personally I found that being at home helped a huge deal, along with the 2 fantastic midwives who were there, and the list of coping mechanisms I had written myself to help me get thro9ugh it.

Have you thought about talking to a doula or someone who could be there to support you through the birth? someone who is on your side if you run into any horrible midwives, or if they want you to do things you don't want to do?
ateotd how you deliver your baby is up to you, and no-one should be making you go into stirrups etc if you don't want to, but more often than not when you are in labour you aren't in a good place to fight your corner, which is why someone like a doula can be a great help

Before I was pregnant, I was the same as you - I read a lot of the scary stuff. Then I read a book by Ina May Gaskin called Ina May's guide to childbirth and I completely changed my attitude. I also spoke to women who had positive experiences and did yoga whilst pregnant which gave me confidence as the teacher was very supportive and informative.

I didn't find the labour painful just very intense. It's not constant either - I was fine between contractions. The only things that hurt was when DS came out, elbow by his face and the injections for local anaesthetic to stitch me up.

Other women have very different experiences. Just remember you get a baby - labour is a means to an end, not an end in itself.

By the time I was being stitched I was high on gas and air and staring at my baby boy in a daze. I didn't care that my legs were akimbo, two men were looking at my battered lady bits and my boobs were dangling out. I probably pooed in labour and again, I didn't care. I had my baby!

I suggest you read positive and realistic accounts of childbirth which cover a variety of scenarios and be aware of what can go wrong but don't focus on the negative.

The thing is all those other experiences don't have any baring what-so-ever on what YOUR experience will be like.

People experience (and remember) things differently, what is a postive experience for one person isn't for another, it is all subjective.

The thing is, your body DOES know exactly what it is supposed to do and will do it with no effort from you (if it had to) the best thing you can do is believe that your body can do it, and let it.

You CAN do it.

Yes it is worth it, for many women it is a positive exhilarating experience, it isn't always negative or something to be feared.

Try not to listen to other people's stories, firstly you have no idea if what they are saying is exactly what happened and secondly they have no bearing at all on your own journey into parenthood.

I imagine even on this thread people will be jumping in to tell you how it was for them, some good some bad, just like everything you do in life. Having faith in yourself, your body and understanding the process of labour and birth and how you can best manage and accomodate what is happening is the best thing you can do.

Completely agree with the above posts about a positive attitude.
I've had my 3 babies at home (yes, you can get a homebirth for your 1st) and all have been a fantastic experience.

I did yoga, plenty of walking, for all my pregnancies and discovered natal hypnotherapy for the third. It's brilliant- and teaches you to trust your body's natural ability to give birth - that's what we're designed for after all.

OK, things can go wrong, and then the best place to be is in hospital of course but (IMO)giving birth isn't a medical procedure ...for me being at home was relaxing and meant very fast, drug free labours...
Blimey, I'm starting to sound like a lentil eating, om chanting hippy, which I'm not!

Surround yourself with positive, not negative stories of birth- I second the Ina May Gaskin recommendation- it's truly inspiring.

Good luck!

Before I was even PG I used to watch all the baby programmes and read books about childbirth and it all looked really scary and I admired the women going through it, even though I knew I desperately wanted children I feared that I might not because I was and still am a huge wuss.

When I got PG with DS I went through phases of being absolutely terrified but everytime I felt scared I just thought "He's in there now he's got to come out and yes its going to bloody hurt but i'll live and will have a gorgeous baby for my pain"

After 9 months of being scared I arrived at the hospital at 11.55pm and gave birth at 1.08am DS was born in 5 pushes with no pain relief. I had a few stitches but I honestly sat afterwards and thought "Why was I scared"

My 2nd labour with DD was very quick, Contractions started at 6.15am and she was delivered by DH on the kitchen floor at 6.59am.

I actually enjoyed both of mine although I wouldn't recommend giving birth on the kitchen floor, I think it took poor DH longer to recover than me.

No one can describe to you what giving birth feels like. The best advice I was given was from a mother who said it would pain like I'd never felt before - but I would get through it and feel total exhilaration.

I found the most frightenting and painful bit the actual pushing out of the baby, and I tore quite badly, but that part doesn't last long.

And yes, you will feel such relief afterwards that you actually won't care if a doctor comes at you with a needle. I swear! I had gas and air for stitching up, but had one stitch without pain relief - I literally went 'ouch' and giggled - that's how ecstatic I was once that baby was out.

Don't tie yourself up in knots with anxiety, because you can't imagine it til you do it. Having said that, good preparation helps, breathing, relaxation, believing that you can do it. Also avoid drugs if you want the best chance of avoiding interventions like forceps.

not everyone has a bad birth or horrible midwives, so don't focus on the negative. it is worth it yes totally
i would advice to go into it thinking positive, obviously be aware that it does hurt i dont think it helps to be so niave and not prepared for any pain but remember that you can get through it and its worth it and that many people manage to do it and afterwards they are fine. dont feel that u need to do it without pain relief, if you want it then have it. that way u have less pressure on urself than if you tell "i must have a natural birth no pain relief" and if you dont need it, then fine but if you feel worried dont put that pressure on your self
as for loss of dignity well you are less bothered about it than you would be in normal circs
things like stitches without pain relief, i dont see why anyone should put up with that as it seems very unnecessary and cruel, if your husband is supportive then make sure he speaks up for u in such cases if necessary. i dont see why its too hard for ne midwife to pass u the gas and air to use atleast while they stitch?
you are allowed if you dont like your midwife to request another one, not sure how practical that is and personally never felt the need to do that but maybe just remember that for incase you do get stuck with a horrible midwife, you dont have to just have the one they gave you can ask for a different one
i had a quite difficult labour n delivery with ds1 but still i was really looking forward to doing it again with ds2 for some reason, it feels exciting/adrenelin rush maybe thats why. anyway ds2 i would class as pretty easy as it was a v straight forward and quickish birth, and now im really looking 4ward to it again but realistically practically should keep a lil bit more gap before having my next as 1st too are v close, but then if i think of leaving too long b4 having another i actually think oh but i wana do it again soon. wen i was heavily preg ppl used 2 say 2 me like "oh i dont envy you for having to give birth soon" but i feel the opposite if someone is about 2 give birth, its something amazing. yeah it does hurt a lot @ the time but its just so worth it and although sounds weird yes you can enjoy it
i think cos ur focusing on the negative expereicnes some people had ur getting more terrified but dont be, it doesnt always go bad

why don't you get a doula honey?

Pinkflipflop I was just like you when I found out I was pregnant with my first last year. I pored for hours over birthing stories and all the gory details and was fascinated with how women coped as it sounded so horrendous. I had a long standing fear of childbirth, it was something I never thought I would be able to go through.

As a previous poster has said, the women with positive experiences tend not to be the ones on forums etc. but I try to post as often as I can to posts like yours to say IT'S FINE!!

I really didn't find it a big deal. I had a 5 hour labour, no pain relief apart from a bit of gas and air and I had no tears or stitches.

It's intense, it's hard work but when you're in the moment you cope with it and the midwives are fantastic as long as you treat them with respect too.

I actually enjoyed giving birth, it was the most amazing experience ever and I can't wait to do it again.

I´ve had 2 easy pregnancies & births.

Just gars & air with 2nd, nothing with first.
No stitches or tears with either.

First born 1hr after realising I was in labour, 2nd 2hrs.

It does hurt.

My pains were all around my bum so an odd feeling to say the least which made me want to clench & stand on tiptoe

For me a lot of it was the "out of control" thing that was more scary.

Anyway,

I completely understand your feelings - I felt exactly like this all the way through my first pregnancy.

As others have said, those with straight-forward "easy" births are rarely the ones who need to talk about it so you rarely hear the stories you want to.

I have 3 dc's, all straight forward. My first was long and drawn out but surprisingly enough it didnt hurt as much as I thought it would.

My second and third were really fast, no time for pain relief and I coped just fine (and I am a big wuss!).

I had stitches with my 3rd which is something I had a terrible fear of but actually that wasnt too bad either and I was offered G&A for pain relief.

The best advice I can give to anyone having these feelings, is just to stay calm and trust your midwife (she will have seen/done everything before), also have a detailed birth plan and dont be afraid to ask for pain relief if you need it (there are lots of options - G&A, pethidine, epidural).

Oh, and its worth it for the end result

I had one pretty awful experience and another fantastic birth.
First time hospitalised for high blood pressure from 32 weeks (7 weeks in all) followed by 3 days of inducing, 24 hour labour ending up with failed ventuese then in the theatre for an emergency CS if the forceps didn't work, which they did thank goodness. Had an epidural so pain wasn't that bad, but i think that was part of the problem.
I also felt very strange going home with a baby when I had only spent one night at home in nearly 2 months.

Next time 2 years later couldn't have been more different.

Went into labour spontaniously at 37 weeks about 18.00 went to hospital at 20.00 and she was born at 20.45.
No gas and air as it made me sick, but I was allowed to walk around which made me feel much more in control. I had no pain relief at all, I know it was painful at the time but I have forgotten it. I did get a huge feeling of euphoria when she was born, which I didn't get when DS was born. I was only in hospital for 17 hours. I also only had a tiny tear which didn't need stitches, despite having a episiostemy previously.

I third "Ina May's guide to Childbirth", and also would add "Hypnobirthing, the Mongan Method" and "Effective Birth Preparation" by Maggie Howell to your essential reading list!

The less scared you can get yourself, and the more informed you are about normal birth, the easier your birth is likely to be. Hypnobirthing techniques can help you keep control. Staying at home can also help (unless the thought of it scares you more than going to hospital). Waterbirth is another thing to look into - can provide effective pain-relief, makes you relax, helps your tissues stretch etc.

As Igglybuff says, labour is not constant pain (unless you have back labour which I understand is much nastier?), you usually have much longer time between contractions with no pain at all than during the contractions themselves. And the contractions usually ramp up, so may only be really nasty at their very height. I found the first part of a contraction was quite exciting - then gradually getting nastier and nastier - until absolutely evil, but only for about 5 seconds. So I only had 5 seconds to "get through" for each contraction. I found the pain very similar to really bad period pain, but everyone differs.

You could try changing it round in your head. Instead of thinking that you feel normal in between contractions, and contractions are nasty, think instead that the contractions are your normality and in between is a wonderful, beautiful time you can use to relax and recuperate. Like banging your head against a brick wall - it's lovely when it stops.

When all else fails, go to hospital and get an epidural - they are lovely . Though they can cause bad knock-on effects, so try to avoid if poss!

As suggested by others, doulas can be worth their weight in gold.

Hmm, and that bit where baby is actually coming out, well, I did find that the most painful bit, but it didn't last very long. I think I forgot to try to relax, which is supposed to help. Waterbirth is also supposed to help. I've heard good things about perenium massage and the epi-no.

Surround yourself with positive birth stories, birth coping methods, and positive, supportive birth partners/helpers.

I always think it is a necessary evil and always looked at it as though it is only one day of your life, yeah it will be a pretty shit day, but you'll get through it, have the baby and get on with your life. It's a philosophy that served me well. Also, it is surprising what you can cope with - I had two births and used nothing more than gas & air, water and meditation. Even when my second baby was back to back. I found that I was able to cope by simply imagining that I was not there and going off somewhere in my mind. I wasn't out of control, I just wasn't there for most of my labour!

And as everyone else says, once the baby is there, you really don't care about the pain. With my second (back to back water birth) I had a bad third degree tear, and yes was in abit of a bad way after the birth, but actually I don't remember much of it now, and I'd happily do it again for her - she is totally worth it. I always heldon to the fact that everyone I ever met, no matter how bad their birth experience, they all said it was worth it, and it totally is. One hellish day for a lifetime of love and enjoyment. I'm glad I took that deal and I'd do it again for my two! Totally worth it - and I think you have got to keep that in mind - whatever happens, you will get through it and you will say it was worth it. It's only one day and you will cope - and hey, it might even be better than that! Some women have epidurals and find labour to be a complete breeze, others are totally fine without any pain relief andif you're one of those, then what a bonus!

I love this site!!!!! Its such a wonderful site to give mums a positive outlook on birth...

pinkflipflop my birth was wonderful - seriously. I enjoyed every minute of it NO LIE! I planned a HB but dd came early so couldnt have it. I wasnt in pain, the contractions felt like a tightening (made worse by the heart monitor) and I was laid on my back for 6 hrs. I had contractions for 4 days, (tues to sat) waters broke on sat night 7:30pm, was only 35 weeks, and I packed my bags, got to the hospital with my DP at 8:30pm, was 3cm, given lung developing injection and transferred to hospital with NICU.

Arrived at 10pm, 7cm dialated now, and the midwife dimmed the lights and left me too. Wanted to get up and move about, but as I had heart monitor on the midiwfe said I couldnt, but I begged and she let me try it. DP rubbed my back for what seemed like ages, but was only abut 2 minutes lol. took all the tightening away, but the heart rate couldnt be detected as I had moved. So had to lie back down again..(though I now understand that a competent midwife should be able to strap the monitor to you, to allow you to move around) at 12:45am I started to push and used DP as leverage he didnt mind one bit, and then felt the ring of fire...pissed on dd's head then she flew out and that burning sensation went. Had No pain meds what so ever - not even G&A and just 'went into myself'.

Neede a stitch for 1st dgree tear...had 6 attemps at having aneasthtic put in...on 6th try she actually got it right (I have alot to say about some midwives)

DD had an agpar score of 9/9 but she was grunting not crying, so they didnt give her to me, they put her in the cot for peadiatrician to look at her, was given okay at 3:20am (over 2 hrs later) and finally got to breastfeed her.

I am blessed...those 6 attemps of anestheasia was a God send...I was numb for 3 days straight! Though it killed at the time.

Overall the hospital was shi*t and the birth was great...just glad I did things my way and not let them intervene too much.

Oh yeah and the stirrup thing! dont do it...!!!! lol...I still look back on it and feel violated. At the time, you feel like youve lost all dignity, when you ahve no drigs in you, you are with it and countless midwives and consultants coming in is embarrassing.

Every woman Id spoken to told me of thier horror stories and I was determined to not let it get to me..and so I look up on the internet all about HB's hypnobirthing etc..and it helped, so did my belief in God and the fact every woman (with some exceptions to health reasons) is designed to go through this process. Its natural.
And I do it over and over again if I was to end up with dd time and time again (only the newborn part tho, shes a terror now).

when i found out i was first pregnant with my DD i was terrified of the birth- but when you start getting near the end, like 38-40 weeks something changed in me and i started getting excited about it. I guess because I didnt know what to expect and also because i would be meeting my baby very soon!

my labour was about 22 hours, but to be honest you're not really 'there' when its happening. I think its worse for the partner who has to watch you go through it. i ended up having an epidural (loveliness) with an episiotomy and ventouse delivery, which i was adamant i wouldnt have when i went to all the ante natal classes.

But i healed really well and baby2 due in 2 weeks. I am a little more nervous this time round as i have an inkling of what to expect, on the other hand, i am getting to the point where i am sooo fed up of being a whale i want this baby out. Plus i know i've done it before and can/will do it again! and the end result is so so worth it.

I was terrified for my first birth. I signed up for some antenatal classes where I met friends who were a great support, and also talked through what actually happens - physically/emotionally. It was hard the first time, I was induced, long long labour, had a tear and a hemoerage (sp?) and was shattered. But I am onto my fourth baby now. I have a healthy nervousness about what is coming, but I know it is worth it. Why would people go and do it again and again otherwise.

Chill, you'll be amazed at what you can do. And let's face it, it's not very newsworthy when it all goes easily - so we mostly don't hear much about those millions of stories!

Pinkflipflop, as everybody else has said, we all have different experiences and recollections.

My first time wasn't too great, as I was scared and tense and had little support from a very busy maternity unit.

The second time was amazing (and no I'm not exagerating!) I was at home in the birthing pool with DH and best friend looking after me. Hypnobirthing classes helped me feel prepared and in control. Some bits are quite hazy to remember but recently I watched some video DH had taken immediately after DS2 was born and I'm grinning from ear to ear and saying "That was cool!"

If you are really worried, I can't recommend hypnobirthing enough. My instructor taught me to feel confident and relaxed and to picture a positive outcome. Check out all the happy stories at www.hypnobirthing.co.uk.

Sadly all you hear about are the scary stories.

Not all births are like that (they are just the ones which stick in our minds)

My home birth was amazing. Such a beautiful experience.

I had no internal exams, no continuous monitoring, between each contraction was pain free and I could relax, it was quick, easy, no stitches (baby was 9lb 11oz too) and my mw was the most amazing person I've ever met.

I'm not bragging here, just trying to show you how wonderful birth can be.

I am a real wimp and I managed it with just gas and air and a birthing pool, so if I can do it then anyone can!

People love to tell you their horror stories. Luckily I had one down to earth friend who told me yes it does hurt, but it's not like breaking your leg or something it's a different kind of pain. For one it's not constant, the contractions build up and then go, giving you a breather,and also you know it's for a purpose, and it will end!

Also, by the time you are 40 weeks pregnant (41 weeks in my case!) you are so uncomfortable it's almost a blessing when labour starts!

And if you really can't cope there is always the option of an epidural - I didn't have one, but I kept it in the back of my mind that I wasn't too proud to ask for one if it all got too much.

btw...I have a throat infection right now and it kills..and Id happily give birth for then next ten days to ten babies if it meant this infection would go away!

Yes, you can't compare the pain to anything else - cos it's all for something! Agree with Chellesgirl, other pains are much worse than labour - would give birth to babies any day (actually I would love to skip to birth rather than go through the pregnancy personally)

I've had 2 babies - very straightforward both times. With DD1 had a couple of little stitches, with DD2 no tears or anything at all. Gas and Air with both. Not quite like shelling peas, but nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be.

STOP reading highly medicalised accounts of birth. No point at all knowing everything in lots of details, it will just freak you out. I spent a few years being terrified birth would 'break' me somehow. Now I compare it to running a marathon - it is a huge physical and mental effort, it seems impossible if you've never done it, there is wear and tear on the body, but you CAN get through it, millions of people do, and your body heals. Afterwards you the focus is just what an amazing thing it is you've just done! I'm still proud of myself. Also, you wouldn't run a marathon without training - same with labour: perineal massage, breathing/hypnobirthing exercises, get the baby positioned well, practice birthing positions, get your supporting team around you...

Hi Pinkflipflop.

Yes giving birth hurts and can take a long time but even without drugs, you go into a weird space where you are totally focused on what your body is doing and you will find yourself doing what you need to do to get through the contractions (I was on all fours and drummed my feet on the floor while saying "I am pushing the baby out!").

Trust everyone who says this - you really won't care or notice about your lack of dignity

I ended up having an epidural (bliss IMO) and a ventuse delivery but by then I really couldn't have given a toss - I just wanted my baby out.

What I think is interesting and why I think all the hypnobirthing/visualisation thing is not just hippy nonsense, is that before my epidural I thought I couldn't cope with the pain. As soon as they told me that I was 30 mins from the epidural, I don't really think I felt that much more pain as I knew it was going to end soon IYSWIM

Having my baby was the most bonkers, surreal and exciting thing that I have ever done and despite the pain and length of labour, as soon as it was over, I thought how much I wanted to do it again (and I am!)