Can somebody please help me, I'm in a complete state about giving birth to DC2

[givingbirthfuckedmeup]

Halfway through my pregnancy with DC2 and I've realised that I'm totally and utterly fucked up by my one and only birth experience and feel totally incapable of a vaginal birth with DC2.

I sort of know my options - beg consultant for an ELCS, speak to some kind of birth counsellor, see my GP.

But I need someone to take me in hand and tell me exactly what to do and in what order.

I knew it had fucked me up but I was keeping it all below the surface and thought it was nothing a little hypnobirthing couldn't cure. Big mistake. Can't sleep, can't stop crying. I need to sort this out soon, please help me.

Ok - first of all go and see your GP or speak to your midwife.

Have you ever gone through your notes or had a debrief from your previous birth. Do you know what went 'wrong' and why, and what the chances are of this happening again.

Do you want a CS?

Try googling Birth Trauma Association - they will be able to offer you very good advice about working through your options (emotionally and physically).

You have my greatest sympathies - my birth fucked me up so much that I have vowed to never have children again.

When you say "incapable" do you mean that you doubt your body can do it or you psychologically can't face it? They're both equally valid but more info might help us give you some better advice.

Without being any kind of expert I'd probably say getting a debrief from your first labour would possibly help you immediately and would probably also be what your GP would suggest so a good "box to tick" before you go down the GP/Consultant rout if nothing else.

Good luck. When are you due?

Thank you so much insecurewife. I got copies of my notes from the hospital not long after the birth, but large parts of them were fabricated and it made me so upset and angry I knew I couldn't face sitting there having them read out to me and being told by someone who wasn't there what had happened just going on my notes.

I hadn't thought of birth trauma association. The worst thing is, I feel like I have no right to feel this way - everyone has always treated me as though I have no reason to feel bad about it all because I didn't end up with a c-section so what am I complaining about. I guess I am worried the birth trauma people will be the same.

Thanks crapweasel, due in June.

I guess I feel both pyschologically incapable because I know I so desperately don't want another VB how can I possibly have faith in my body to do it properly?

Also because I know I can't cope with the pain, and would want an epidural, and so the cascade of intervemntion begins (again).

Poor you

OK, if you are half way through the pregnancy then you have 20 weeks (18 to be on the safe side) to make a decision about what you are going to do. That is quite a lot of time, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

I think talking to a birth councilor would be a good place to start. Ask for a referral from your midwife or GP (whoever is most likely to take you seriously and treat you sympathetically). Talking things through may help you decide what to do and doesn't commit you to anything.

Hope this helps.

All I can tell you is that every one of my four vaginal births felt and was different. Don't assume that history will repeat itself - it just doesn't.

Talk to the Birth Trauma people - and see if you can find out as much as possible re what caused all the problems last time. The more you know, the more you can get your head around it all.

And if that leads you to wanting an epidural or an ELCS, then that's absolutely fair enough - intervention isn't a default bad thing, which your last post implies is what you think. I gather you had a lot of intervention and that it was bad last time, but that doesn't mean it will be this time.

thank you i will try the birth trauma people

Friend had bad labour with first - throwing up by 1cm, forceps and got 3rd degree tear. She was in a bit of a state about having to go through it again as now preg with 2nd. Consultant has agreed for her to have section. She didn't have to fight hard for it. Each consultant is different but don't assume they'll make you go through it again. Get your MW to refer you to see consultant sooner rather than later to put your mind at rest.

PS I had bad birth first time round - back to back - 50 hours and resulting in EMCS. 2nd birth VBAC and 7 hours. They are all different but obvioulsy don't know your history.

If your birth was as traumatic as you say, you would be well within your rights to request an EC. However would definitely agree with Hassled. All births are different.

My second labour was a walk in the park in comparison to my first. With DS1 I was in agony for hours and remained 1cm. Finally got epidural after 6hrs and that sorted me out. DS was 10lbs 3ozs.

Second labour progressed so much quicker and I was able to manage the pain. Think the way was just prepared! I just had gas and air and remained upright during the birth. Felt so much more in control.

Good luck, whatever you decide!

In this order:

Stop beating yourself up. The way you're feeling is totally normal - many of us have been there.

Contact the birth trauma association and/or
seek some sort of professional guidance and counselling (and persist with the hypnobirthing if you can, whatever you decide. It helped me with my elective c-section...)

If you do decide to go for a VB, get a doula if possible. Make sure you have a birth plan that is paid attention to. Decide under what circumstances you would want to go to c-section. get the plan signed off in your notes by your consultant - nobody will fuck with what he/she says.

If you decide on a c-section, push for it. Request a different consultant if the initial one isn't supportive.Make sure it is the consultant you see and not the registrar/SHO etc. Don't worry about seeming awkward. Go armed with reams of paper of the internet that support your decision

Oh, and if you change your mind at the last minute, NO PROBLEM. Just make sure your partner will fight your corner for you.

Good luck!

thank you teflonmum, that makes me feel a lot better.

I do want an ELCS, I know I do. I'm just terrified I won't be given one, and then I will have to go for a VB, knowing it is my second choice and that my heart isn't in it.

I actually think it's more normal to be freaked out by a first birth and scared to do it again than people realise.

I had a tough time in many ways with my first, and put off repeating the experience for a decade after that as a result. I sorted my head out by 1)going to NCT antenatal classes again as if I was a first timer, explaining to the teacher why I needed to do this. 2) Having lunch with the teacher and a bit of a debrief about what I thought had happened and why it was still upsetting (she was able to explain some of the mechanics quite helpfully, I found). 3) Hiring an independent mw and organising a home water birth to stay well out of hospital and all the dehumanising stuff. 4)Having lots of antenatal appointments in which we discussed the past and why it would be unlikely to recur in the future.

Labour 2 was a doddle, the kind of labour where you think you could do it all over again five minutes after it has finished. I tell you now, I never ever thought for a moment I would be able to experience that and I thought that women who said they had had one of these labours must be making it up.

Suffice it to say I did the whole process twice more after that, so I think that pays testament to the power of the NCT and good mws and water births actually.

But each to her own - all I am saying is that this worked for me.

Have you thought about having a one to one with an NCT antenatal teacher in your area?

They will be able to help you debrief your last birth and talk you through your options.

Birth can be a wonderful experience, but equally many people are left traumatised after a bad birth experience.

I really wish you all the best.

Thanks Alex, I'm not keen on an NCT debrief, there is only one teacher in my immediate area and she did our classes and explicitly told us that under no circumstances should we have an epidural unless we'd been in labour for 3 days and had a back to back baby. So I doubt very much that she'd be sympathetic or understanding

I am sure a MNetter could recommend a more sympathetic NCT person or doula.

That is a terrible thing to tell you.

Where are you based?

In N.Bucks

If you go onto the NCT website and find the PSA for your area, they will also cover the local areas.
If you send then an email and explain that you want to speak to someone (but not the aforementioned ANT) they should be able to link you up.

I'm an ANT, and am more than happy to talk off list if you want, but if may be better for you to speak face to face.

HTH

1st birth - 20 hours, back to back, epidural, blind panic about horrendous pain, ventouse and episiotomy.

2nd birth - learnt hypnobirth breathing, laboured 3 hours and out in 3 pushes. Easy peasy.

General consensus seems to be that first births are often awlful...all that stretching etc happening for the first time means it can take ages and sort of get stuck along the way. Plus, being unprepared for the pain means some of us panic, which sends adrenaline round your body and makes the whole thing even more tricky.

Second births are often a completely different ball game...you are more prepared, you know you survived last time, and (crucially!) everything has been stretched and your body has done it before, so works more efficiently.

I found the hypnobirth book utterly hilarious in places, but the breathing was genius and made a massive difference in that I was calm and in control. Its worth a go if you could face a vaginal birth again, but there is no shame in an elective section if thats whats needed to make you feel confident. At the end of the day, all thats important is that you and your baby are safe. Good luck [smile}

fecking smileys

I really recognise your feeling of just not wanting a vaginal birth. Yes, maybe that could be changed, but it is also reasonable to ask for a CS if that is what you want.

I had a CS last time after a long labour and failure to progress and really I don't see it as a bad outcome. The baby was out safely and I made a full recovery. If I had tried to labour longer I might well have ended up with a serious emergency or very traumatic birth with lots of intervention and damage and possibly harm to the baby.

So this time I've been told that with a big baby and my past history it's reasonably likely to happen again - and along with the fact that I completely lack confidence about a vaginal birth and feel terrified when I think of it, the consultant has recommended a CS.

You need to talk to a consultant about all these fears and see what they say - ask your midwife to arrange it. Of course talk to NCT and birth counsellors etc as well but don't be scared to listen to your instinct.

If your midwife isn't sympathetic ask your GP to arrange a referral. And, as Teflonmum says, make sure you see the right person (a registrar at C&W tried to dissuade me, I walked out and got my sympathetic GP to refer me to the consultant). In fact follow Teflon's full instructions! My best friend called to tell me that my god-daughter had been born and broke down in tears on the telephone, so awful had the experience been. The MW's post-birth helpful comment 'Yes, I thought that one was going to be difficult'. Her next two births were both ELCS and, as she said, the moment she was told she could have a section, she felt like a huge burden had been lifted. I felt exactly the same and have never regretted. Good luck.

How do you know the hypnobirthing wouldn't help? Have you been on the course or just read the book - its a massive difference - I really recommend (if you can afford it) a course of hypnobirthing. They do lots of hypnosis exercises in the class to rid oneself of the trauma of any previous birth experiences. If the course is not enough could have extra hypnosis sesions with the teacher. No way the book alone would help with this - the book alone is fine for those who had good previous birth experiences and just need a little boost not for someone who needs proper help.

Speak to a hypnobirthing teacher and discuss:

link

I did the course before DS was born, it made a huge difference, I went in confident and calm and his birth was much much better than his big sister's.

Also 2nd births are generally easier in any case so no reason to think it will be the same anyway.

I really feel for you. I am shitting it too, but not as badly as you are

Teflon gives some good advice. I think rather than worry about it and stress yourself up, you need, MUST take action.

TBH all these people saying "my second birth was fine" is not helpful, you want a ELCS and I completely understand why.

Contact birth trauma, get their advice, and go for it. My friend had terrible time and she was given a ELCS. Dont assume they wont, and dont feel guilty.

My NCT was an anti epidural CUNT too (sorry for the language but I feel angry to this day).

Dont feel guilty , dont feel bad. This is normal, and if its going to make you a wreck for the next 20 weels do something about it.

GOOD LUCK AND LET US KNOW HOW YOU GET ON xxxx