Can somebody please help me, I'm in a complete state about giving birth to DC2

[givingbirthfuckedmeup]

Halfway through my pregnancy with DC2 and I've realised that I'm totally and utterly fucked up by my one and only birth experience and feel totally incapable of a vaginal birth with DC2.

I sort of know my options - beg consultant for an ELCS, speak to some kind of birth counsellor, see my GP.

But I need someone to take me in hand and tell me exactly what to do and in what order.

I knew it had fucked me up but I was keeping it all below the surface and thought it was nothing a little hypnobirthing couldn't cure. Big mistake. Can't sleep, can't stop crying. I need to sort this out soon, please help me.

Re hypnobirthing or other preparation classes ? yes they can help, and you don't know they wouldn't help (and nor do I in my case). But I think what can happen is you tend to encounter people who are 100% confident that you can sail through it, and that there's nothing to worry about, and if you lack the basic confidence in a vaginal birth, it can make you feel even worse.

If what you really want deep down is a CS then it can make you feel panicky when people say "but why not try this" or "hypnobirthing worked for me" etc. Not saying people on this thread shouldn't say those things but just that I understand where the OP is coming from if it just makes her feel "Noooooooooo please don't make me!" IYSWIM.

Of course hypnobirthing may not work for everyone, but I wanted to point out that reading the hypnobirthing book is unlikely to make any difference at all in this situation, advice needs to be taken from a professional on how to move forward.

I don't think its 100% certain that counselling/HP/otherwise will help BUT its impossible to tell until you have tried.

During the hypnobirthing course the instructor (who is better at hypnosis that your DH/DP) does an hypnosis exercise in previous birth experiences, but I can see that whilst this is enough for 90% of people, others might benefit from an additional one to one tailored session, and of course there will be some that it doesn't work for. For me working through the reasons why my first birth was difficult made a big difference.

To the OP - I suffered from horrendus insominia in my first pregnancy, in the end had to take sleeping pills as I was literally ill from the lack of sleep. However the HP managed to help me relax and although I still woke up in the night, I was generally able to get back to sleep.

Not all antenatal teachers are like that.

I'm sorry you were made to feel that epidurals are a big no no.

I think the point is, whatever you opt for, home birth, epidural, caesarean birth etc, it has to be YOUR choice.

It is your birth, and as long as you are making an informed choice, it is up to you what you have.

If you want a elective caesarean, then speak to your consultant. Either way you need to debrief your past experiences so you can move forward.

I had a traumatic forceps delivery 15 months ago and am planning an elective with this June baby I'm carrying. DD got stuck for 11 hours as her head position made birth impossible and contractions couldn't turn her. The pain was immense, the mw thought she was in the right position so just took my only G&A pain relief away to 'help me push' for 2 hours. Absolute hellish pain that I couldn't even scream through. Longterm bladder damage and very weak pelvic floor.

I also have heard lots of positive second time stories, but I have also heard enough of more trauma and more damage to help me choose the elective. I know my recovery will be tough but I am not convinced my happy waterbirth dream is possible, and then the only other option is another traumatic birth.

If you think an elective is best then go for it.

How about seeing an actual hypnotherapist (one that's experienced in birth trauma therapy) to work through your fears?
That might work better than the self-hypnosis of hypnobirthing.

Look, I think all we're saying is that it's not a done deal that second births are automatically ghastly just because the first one was. And while it's great that CS and epidurals are there to rescue us all from scary birthing scenarios where things are spiralling out of control, there are options to having major abdominal surgery, options which work for a great many women. People should not feel obliged to have surgery just to avoid fear of childbirth (indeed surgery comes with its own problems sometimes). You do not have to be a lentil eating, sandal wearing, paid up member of the earth mother tribe to pursue this as a line of enquiry.

Nooooo I was not of course suggesting any such thing!

(am no stranger to a niftily woven lentil myself btw)

Just to say that I know how it feels to think "I am so overwhelmed by negative feelings, I just can't do it". I may be wrong about that of course, but that feeling is so strong and if you're being advised by someone who doesn't know what that's like, they can't understand. And they can sometimes make it worse by making you feel you ought to be able to cope.

I suppose all I mean is sometimes ELCS may be the right route not just physically, but mentally. I just want to be supportive to the OP by saying I know how this feels (though not at all to push her towards CS if is isn't right for her of course).

I agree re: the hypnotherapist.... optimistic to think self hypnosis would help. As I said on the course the teacher did a session on previous birth trauma etc but i suspect in your case you need something more tailored.

I don't know if you'll believe me so maybe asking around on here or in RL might help but i don't know a single person who has had a 2nd delivery worse or even as bad as the 1st.I've had 4, none of them text book, all completely different, all painful to some extent, but the one thing they had in common was that each was last traumatic than the previous one. I attribute this to a number of factors,I became more confident in expressing my opinions, more vocal in asking for second opinions and I became better at listening to my body and what it was telling me.
I think finding a good MW is very important but unfortunately it can be pot luck. I hope you find a sympathetic ear in your consultant but if not then you need to take control of your own fear.Find a birth counsellor to talk through your previous experience. Put it in perspective, learn from it, then leave it behind you. It was horrible but you survived and so did your baby. You can do it again!
Good Luck

Hello hello - ME TOO - can I shout that as loud as possible!

I think it's important for everyone to remember that asking for 'major abdominal surgery' instead of a VB just shows HOW traumatic a first birth is. A CS is NOT an easy get-out clause - at least I don't think so.

I'm due in April with DC2. My first was OP, prolonged labour (5 days of back labour, no sleep) following PROM, 18 hours on syntocinon (sp?) drip - DS born healthy (TG) but I was left feeling like someone had driven a razor blade truck through my la-la. I only had second degree tearing but the MW who stitched me up asked me if I had thrush as she "couldn't see what she was doing" (thanks for the reassurance!). No one noticed that I had actually had a PPH, and after 2 days of saying that I didn't feel at all well (and was permanently in tears) they tested my blood and I had to have 2 blood transfusions.

I have no confidence in my body and no confidence in being looked after if I end up being damaged like that again. I have had panic attacks and flashbacks ever since, and have been incredibly scared the whole way through the pregnancy. My DH just tells me to stop reliving the past and move on as my DS is now 2 years old! He doesn't understand that in 8 weeks time I am facing all my worst nightmares again. Oh well!

My hospital have sort-of agreed to an ECS but are not allowing me to see the consultant until I am 36/40 (so nothing offical yet)- they are trying to guide me towards a VB. Every-time I think that perhaps I should try a VB I get a tight feeling in my throat and am filled with panic.

EVERYONE would prefer a straightforward VB - of course - I've stared in disbelief at friends who have gone out to the pub with their newborn the day after giving birth. I've privately wept with jealousy when I watch them on videos holding their newborns with joy and peace - I was left in a blood-soaked bed, alone for 7 hours, drifting in and out of consciousness (DH sent home to rest!) in the delivery room as there were no beds in the post-labour ward, unable to bond with my DS who didn't stop screaming for those first few hours (non-stop) - I was too weak to hold him.

I know I know I am incredibly LUCKY - I know this - I know that anyone who has a healthy baby has everything. I know this - I am SO grateful for my DS. But the thought of going through anything like what I went through before sends me into huge distress.

Like the OP I was told I was lucky not to have had a CS with DC1 - but my physical recovery was so SLOW (couldn't sit down for weeks, and had second PPH 2 weeks PP) and psychologically I am far from 'over it'.

Like many things, I think it's something that is very hard for people to understand unless they've been through a very similar experience. I feel very isolated by my experience and feel friends/family/dh think I'm pathetic being so scared of giving birth again - that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.

Sounds to me that you have EVERY right for a ECS if that's best for you. Anxiety in labour is not a good thing for you or your baby and clearly you have been very traumatised by your previous birth. The sooner you get them to agree to it the better you will feel - then you can get on with looking forward to meeting DC2.

I need to practice what I preach I think!

You are not alone! Am right there with you!!
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I could have written your post myself. My first delivery was also very traumatic, it was induced, then came on very fast, I had no pain relief and then DS was born via ventouse plus I had an episiotomy all without any anaesthetic at all.

My second was less than 2.5 hours from first contraction to delivery, no antibiotics for GBS, which I had desperately wanted and a severely infected Episiotomy.

This time I felt that I needed to take control of the situation and absolutely convinced myself that the only option was an elective C/S and we decided to have a private delivery this time. I had my first appointment with the consultant and his midwife this week, walked into his office and promptly burst into tears. They gave me all the time in the world, addressed all my concerns and whilst they pretty much refused a C/S they've done everything in their power to reassure me that they'll manage labour as I would want it and for me that is an early induction, with antibiotics as I am not prepared to labour without them, and an immediate epidural with ventouse as an absolute last resort, they tell me that they've only used them once in the last year on 2nd /3rd / 4th time mothers. I appreciate that this is far from most people's ideal but I'm finally comfortable that I'll have some control over the situation and I know that they'll be the only midwife and doctor caring for me and are fully aware of my concerns.

I hope you come to a decision that you're happy with but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in your fear

GBFMU - I really empathise with you. My first delivery was back to back, baby in distress, rotational forceps with huge episiotomy. I didn't feel the labour was well managed and I was really nervous about the birth of my second child.
Unfortunately I was one of the women who didn't have a better 2nd birth, it ended in a crash section under general anaesthetic.

At the beginning of this pregnancy I did think I would try a normal delivery and so I booked into hypnobirthing, went to a chiropractor to check my pelvis was all correct etc but I kept bursting into tears and its only been since the hospital have confirmed I can have an ELCS that I am finally looking forward to the birth of my third child. I know it is not without risk but I really hope this time round I can spend the first hours/days happily bonding with my newborn instead of being a teary mess traumatised by the labour/birth.

Best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy and for your delivery.

Hi GBFMU, I really feel for you! I felt just like you earlier in my pregnancy (I'm 28 weeks now with DS2) absolutely terrified, depressed, and convinced I wanted an ELCS. My midwife referred me for a consultation at the hospital, and that has helped me come to grips with the trauma I experienced with my first birth. I don't know if it will be the same everywhere, but although the consultant was acknowledging that I didn't have a good birth experience, she said there was no medical reason why they would recommend an ELCS as a better option for me. I told her that though there may not be a "medical reason", I am so panicked about giving birth again that I know I won't do well. SO I was also given a form to submit to request an ELCS if I decide that's what I want. I am due to have a consultation with a midwife this week from the hospital where I will give birth, and in a few weeks I have a further consultation to discuss having a CS in detail. I'm now leaning more towards trying a VB again, but will be asking lots of questions and making a detailed birth plan with the midwife from my hospital. I read a pdf about the NICE Guidelines about CS on the NICE website and that has helped me logically look at the CS option as well. It is here: guidance.nice.org.uk/CG13

Now I'm feeling more confident about trying a VB, I think speaking to a consultant and just knowing that they are willing to have further consultations with me so I can make an informed choice has taken a lot of stress out of my mind. In the end, I may still opt for a CS, but if you had asked me before I saw the consultant, I would have said that there's no way I would consider a VB again. I think seeing a consultant might give you a bit of relief, too.