Midwives: amused by people's birth plans?

[upduffed]

Just wondering if any midwives out there would confess to secretly finding what some people write in their birth plans funny?

Am thinking perhaps I should just write "Go home with a baby" on mine...

ooh, impressive piprabbit!

becksydee I mean where they want all the cord blood to pulsate towards bubs but also want bub lifted straight onto their chest, in which case the blood drains back towards the placenta, hence the

anywho never mind, it's not so much a thing MWs find funny as OBs but maybe that's just the ones here in the Middle East.

Sorry don't quite get the above. I definitely want skin to skin asap. Plus all midwives I have spoken to agree with this.
I don't want the cord cut in a rush this time either, it was like a race last time.

I agree with Northernlurker, as a midwife i dont laughat women at all, just maybe about something they have said or writen even and usually laugh with them. I mostly get on with the ladies and families i care for and id say 9 times out of 10 we have a laugh at something to do with birth/labour. Doesnt mean we are taking the piss out of someone.

Of course it is sods law than if you plan something it all goes wrong.

A lot of people have unrealistic expectations of the first birth, me included. I said gas n air only and ended up having the lot

As a doula I do my best to help women create birth plans for every scenario (from best to worst case) and I do my best to help them acheive what they want.
It can be hard to manage without pain relief, especially the first birth, but thats where the extra support comes in. I am able to, and do, stay with women as long as they want, even if they have two days of pre labour.
I am trained in and constantly research ways to help women manage labour, from massage and acupressure to afirmation, hypnotherapy, use of water, rebozo etc and ways to help babies rotate to optimum positions to help birth progress.
I think most women can have the births they want (barring major unexpected emergencies) but end up in a chain of intervention (usually from being too tired and/or using systemic pain relief and/or malpositioned babies.)
Selina

My birthplans were always fairly short and to the point, but rarely went to plan.
DD1, waterbirth, no epi (scared of needles in spine), no pethidine. Reality - labour in water, syntocinon for failure to progress, epidural (failed), em c-s under GA.

DD2, try for VBAC, no synto (coz it fucking hurt last time around), straight to section if things not going well.
Reality - spontaneous onset, epidural, synto (persuaded by lovely obs registrar who had read my plan but said that they'd need the line in my back anyway for a section so why didn't we just try the epidural for half an hour and see how things went), forceps delivery but much much better than first birth.

DD3 - birth plan was very important here, as the consultant MW, consultant obstetrician and my Foetal Medicine cons had agreed between them that I could labour in water with telemetric monitoring, but should deliver on dry land. As I was considered high risk, it was important that the plan was written and signed by these people so that if none of them were present, the staff would still know what had been agreed. In reality, she was induced, no water, synto and epi again, fantastic birth.

I think the key to all of these was that the mws read my plan every time, and tried to make sure I knew why things couldn't be done as I wanted and what did I want to do next? It was difficult the first time, and I ended up going back for debriefs but that was because of my unrealistic expectations rather than mws not listening to me.

'Go home with baby' sounds like a good one to me

i didn't write a plan, though i definitely felt that when is discussed how i was going to give birth with my first MW she was very dismissive and negative about what i wanted (so thank fuck she didn't turn up at the delivery)

and yes i could feel her thinkng 'oh, she'll be crying for an epidural by the time she's an hour in' I expect most people in her charge are though, she'll make them believe they need it.

these things are important to women, and if a just-so person wants a just-so delivery, i hope that's what they get.

the worst birth stories you read are the ones where women are made to feel lke their wishes are unimportant, and that their midwives are, in fact, laughing at them.

The midwife who looked after me with DS took the time to have a read and followed it (as much as she could because we only got there an hour or so before he was born).

This time around midwife has had a read and agreed that it all looks fine (especially in light of my last easy labour).

Mostly it says. "Don't touch me unless invited". I like the midwives at C&W we seem to be on the same page with the birthings so am not concerned at all. Also DH will be there and his pretty much only job in the hospital is to stop them from touching me if I don't want them too and to stay with bubs if we need to be separated for any reason.

I intend to labour at home until last minute in any case, I figure if the baby is born in the cab then it must mean that it was a pretty easy jobby.

I have never had one, not ever. What am I missing?? That said for my last which was a hoembirth, the same midwife did all my antenatal care and delivery and postnatal care so she just asked me and made assumptions about skin to skin becuase i grabbed the boy as he came out and held him.

I assume for a hospital delivery when you don't know who you are going to get then it can be handy re. things like vit k, cord cutting etc, but normally, they just ask don't they? and do what they have to do in an emergency

I have worked in a labour ward and a lady did come in with a several page long laminated birth plan, she had a copy for everyone and briefed us all as she arrived (she was a lawyer) - she started off wanting soft music, birthing balls and dimmed light and ended up an hour later screaming abuse and taking the full compliment of drugs... we did smile (cruel i know but she had been so high handed with the staff)

I think it is because you don't know who you will get on the ward and also you are quite distracted when there, so it doesn't hurt to have it written down before you get to that point.

The only ones I would find amusing would be any that didn't allow for a degree of "shit happens" because it does and sometimes you just have to go with stuff.