Hospital visitors right after birth

[Mapes]

I'm currently 37 weeks with dc#1, so starting to think more and more about the forthcoming birth. My MIL, (who is lovely and excited about this birth of what will be her gc #2), has asked dh to let her know the moment I go into labour.... She wants to know this so that she can immediately start the 2hr journey from her house to the hospital so that she can be at the hospital when the baby arrives.... I'm not sure how I feel about this- she is not my birth partner, and in any case, I wouldn't want to be visited in the delivery suite whilst still in a state of disarray. My dh seems to think that if baby arrives in the middle of the night, she would want (and be able) to see him before I get transferred to the postnatal ward.... I don't know how the logistics of this might work, and I'm worried that it might intrude on the first few precious minutes that dh and I get to spend with the baby, but I don't know how things work, not having done it before.... Does anyone have any advice regarding what I should find out, what might be expected immediately post-birth? I'm probably concentrating on inconsequential things, but hey- at least it's giving me something to do other than panic!

Most hospitals only allow one birth partner, and as soon as you're transferred to a ward at nighttime they have to leave. Sounds like a nightmare! Have you any idea what state you'll be in just after birth?!

I have to say I think your husband is wrong.

I would say tell her when the baby has arrived.
That is we did first time.
All our parents were an hour away.

Mine came that day,ILs the next day.

I had had an easy birth & was showered & upand about.

Not sureI could have coped with anyone other than just husband had that not been the case.

However, I think there was a visitors room nearby where the baby could be taken to (in cot), so had I not felt up to visitors, parents could have met him there with baby I think.

Unless it was only for parents(of baby)

If you deliver at 1 in the morning, I don't think the hospital will be too chuffed if you start having visitors. Check with your midwife, it probably isn't allowed. Also, being your first birth it could take a long time - 24 hours is not unusual, so it's just not going to be workable to have her waiting around.

Generally people wait outside in visitors room and only 1 maybe 2 visitors allowed down on to delivery suite,
I know when I had any of my dcs they were allowed in if I said so and then midwife quickly ushered them out again

Visitors are not allowed to walk willy nilly into delivery suite

but I also wanted them to come as I was so in awe of my new babies I wanted to show them off, I wouldn't make any concrete decisions now afterall your MIL will not know what is happening until you tell her so you will be in control

I think that if you told your midwife that this is your DH's request and not yours and your preference would be no visitors, then I am sure she would be willing to guide your DH that this is not a practice that is allowed/encouraged at the hospital. I doubt she will outright lie for you but she will happily steer your DH away from it as her first care is for your well being and the well being of your baby. NOT your DH or MiL.

No. NO. NO.

I had my mum and DP there. If anyone else had dare come anywhere near me before the next afternoon. And besides, most hospitals have visiting hours for anyone except fathers.

Remember that your labour could be brief and complication free, or quite the opposite (God forbid). Best not to make immediate plans.

Call them once the baby has arrived and tell them when the visiting hours are.

Best of luck

Check the visiting policy of the hospital. Our local one only allows visitors 2pm - 7pm on the ward. Doubt she would get onto delivery suite without your permission.

Suggest to dh that he doesn't want to have to be worrying about his mum hanging around a hospital waiting room as well as you.

Suggest to your mil that it would be really helpful if she came when you out of the delivery suite and have worked out what it is you forgot to pack/underestimated(like vests, babygros -my family came in very useful at that point.)

i doubt she'd be allowed into the delivery suite and if she was it would be for a few minutes, maximum, they are generally not keen on anyone except birth partners being in delivery suite. for good reason, if your baby is born within visitng hours, she could see you on th eward, but if it is the middle of the night, then it will be a wasted journy

and with the best will in the world, this is your first baby, if she leaves when you start in labour , she could have many, many hours of waiting, and the hospital waiting room is not a great place to spend more than an hour or two

she certainly would not be allowed on delivery suite withing minutes of the birth and you can stipulate that she is not allowed in

I agree she is very unlikely to be allowed in either unless it is during normal visiting hours (which are quite limited usually!) and once you are on the postnatal ward.

It also sounds like she has no idea how long it could take! From the start of labour it could be up to 24 hours or more before you even go to the hospital, and altogether for a first baby it could be 2 days or even more (it was nearly 48 hours for mine, of which only about half was in the hospital). And if it takes anywhere near that long, you will surely want a rest, shower etc before seeing anyone.

I agree with thinking your husband is wrong. You (and he, too) have to remember- this is YOUR child, and with all of nana's love- you are the two most important people in this scene other than him. So she can see him an hour or two after the birth- it will not interfere with her grandmotherly love to the baby, and not to her bonding with him, but peace and quiet after the birth (which is a long and sometime very hard process, not to mention extremely emotional! time)- you need to rest and recollect and have some private time with new baby. She has the rest of his life to be an amazing grandma, I seriously doubt that being there the exact second he gets out will benefit you or him.

definitely recommend you check your hospital visiting hours. My local hospital maternity ward has a very strict policy of 4.30pm - 8pm. Only fathers are allowed in outwith this period and even then after 10pm they are encouraged to leave (obviously not if you are in labour...... )
My waters broke at 1.30am and my DH phoned both my Mum and MIL at 9am with an update and then once DD had arrived at 3.30pm, visiting started at 4.30pm so my Mum was able to see her when she was just an hour old which was lovely but it was only because her arrival fitted in so well with visiting hours. MIL lives an hour away so she got second sitting. They are also very strict about only 2 visitors at a time.

I was covered in blood, high on gas and air, and trembling with tiredness and hunger. And in floods of tears. My mum, who I am very close to, turned up half and hour after DS was born, and I actually wish she hadn't - I could have done with another few hours. Even if your MIL is mother Teresa, I suggest you ask her to visit the day after the baby is born. Also, if you are trying to figure out breastfeeding, it can be unhelpful to have other people around watching you get the hang of things.

I agree with everyone else.

The baby will be equally part of you and of your DH, and so when the baby grows up, each family should have equal rights to a relationship with him/her.

The delivery is all about you and you are the one who will have to labour, push etc. I found that my labour was very sensitive to my environment and it would have driven me nuts to know that there were people waiting at the hospital. And they would have been waiting a long time! Your DH and MIL have probably forgotten that it's not just "baby out and then visitors" either. You will have to deliver the placenta (which took me almost an hour in itself), you might need to have stitches, and you will be covered in blood and need a shower. If you want to breastfeed then that should be your priority after delivery, not getting to a state where you look respectable enough to see your MIL! I could go on, in fact I have , but you get the idea.

I think you should tell her when you've gone into labour but tell her before hand that she will not be welcome at the hospital until proper visiting hours on the post-natal ward like normal people.

That little bit of time is so important and our hospital wouldn't even let my mum there as they said it's too important a time for mums and dads to spend with their LO having some skin to skin, bonding with new baby, etc.

Is she staying in a hotel? If so, she can start the journey, get settled in to a hotel and see you the day after you've given birth.

You will not want people seeing you that early. You'll be bleeding through knickers and nighties and sheets and you'll look like you've just been hit by a bus. Plus you'll feel very posessive over your baby and anyone looking at it will make you want to kill them- it's hormones

no no no.

i honestly would ring her once you've had the baby and are waiting to be moved to post natal. by then you'll have been through the birth. fgs if you call her as soon as your labour starts, well you could stay in labour for hours and hours and hours. you'll be on the post natal ward for at least 6 hours, usually longer if it's your first baby. that is bags of time for her to make the journey.

plus, if you're going to have more babies, you need to get things set now for the way things are to continue.

We allow 2 birth partners on delivery suite and however many you want on the birth centre. However, we only allow who you want to come in, come in. If the woman is desperate for her visitors to come in quickly to delivery room, that's fine. But if now, say so and they can just wait can't they? Christ, you'll never have those first moments back to do them how you want. As ruddynorah says, with a first baby it can be 12-18hrs so she will be dead bored!

I must be totally unusual. I had DH and my mum at the birth. My mum then went off for 30 minutes after the birth (I asked her to, before I went into labour to give DH and me time). Then my Dad and my sister came in to the delivery suite about an hour later (they were both on their way home from work and stayed about 5-10 minutes). TBH, I couldn't take my eyes off my DS and it didn't make any difference to me whatsoever them being there. In hindsight, my Dad was a bit shocked by the mess there was (not the most straightforward labour and birth!), but he took the risk coming in to see me there.

But then, my family, I would have said if I didn't want them there and they wouldn't have been offended.

You have to do what is right for you. But agree with everyone else, 24 hours isn't going to make much difference. For ease, I'd just say birth partners only on delivery suite and she can be first to visit the following day during visiting hours.

Good luck!

Thank you everyone for all your advice - every single post has given me something to think about.

I do think that knowing someone is waiting for me to hurry up and finish would play on my mind, even though I will be concentrating on other things. The being covered in goo and trying to figure out how to bf whilst MIL visits definitely isn't what I want.

I will give the hospital a call for added ammo - I think that you are right about them not being happy about desperate visitors waiting for me to deliver. Now I think of it (my brain has turned to fluff), expectant parents aren't allowed to tour their delivery suites to reduce the risk of carrying in infections (our hospital has video tours instead).

I think that my MIL will be obliged to wait like everyone else, and whilst I feel sad that my DH is looking forward to showing off our son (and oh my goodness he is getting excited to meet the little wriggler), a few hours won't be the end of the world.

Thank you!

What on earth is wrong with these people ? Why do they think you want to be surrounded by people as soon as you've just gone through the biggest physical endurance of your life ?
I have told DH absolutely no visitors (mine or his parents) until at least the day after baby is born - unless baby is born at 9am then they can come at 2pm. There is no way on this earth that I am having people sitting outside waiting for me to deliver and it makes me really annoyed to think that other women are pressured into it by pushy families. Why can they not just leave us alone to experience the first few hours as a new family ON OUR OWN ????? They have had their babies and should extend the courtesy to their children - it's not as if we get the 10 days in hospital to recuperate that they did.

2 days overdue and getting annoyed with the "let us know when you go into labour" phone calls - F OFF !

Oh god NO! I have absolutely lovely ILs but I had an elective c-section on 29 December when my 3 stepchildren were over for New Year from Ireland and had a battle with my DH about who would see new DC3 first - MY children (10 and 6) who live with me and DH (their dad too) or HIS children - or all of them together. I really wanted it to be my kids but for the sake of non-favouritism etc we kind of agreed that all of them would be given the opportunity to meet their new sibling together.

What actually happened was that I was not able to be transferred to the post natal ward for hours because some idiot had brought a child in with chicken pox (go figure) and so was kept in recovery. Cue my MIL, SIL, monster nephew (age 4), DSS 19, DSD 16, DSS 14, DS, 10 and DD 6 all arriving on the DELIVERY SUITE and going to the visitors room. DH then took newly born DD2 in the cot to the visitors room so they could all meet her together. Midwives were MOST upset about baby being wheeled down the corridor and said this was absolutely against policy. THEN THEN THEN the buggers all decided to trapse on down to me in RECOVERY! I was doped up on morphine and just looked on in shock - apart from my 2 little ones who I gave a cuddle to and then they all went. FFS - what goes through people's minds - including my DH I have to say!

You really don't know how your labour will go and tbh, there's always a chance of an emergency section and you really will NOT want anyone seeing you on delivery - trust all of us here. The ward is the place for visitors and they have strict visiting hours.

Good luck!

agree with everyone else
I had DS at 5.30 and my parents arrived at 7 (was just getting out of the shower) BUT my dad thought he was going away with work early the next morning for a week, and they only stayed of 20 mins and then left. Otherwise I wouldn't have done it. 2nd time, saw all grandparents the next day.

OMG you poor thing! Put your foot right down. No visitors immediately after the birth. If you are not happy about it, then absolutely not. With the smoothest birth in the world you would gone through a major process, you will be feeling elated, tired, happy, worn out, feeding your baby (learning to)wanting to bond with your baby, have a shower, eat some food. The baby will need to be checked over etc, you will need to be checked over, you may well still be in blood stained clothes for a short while if in delivery suite, you will want to sleep.

Last time, no visitors other than DH and our friend who was our 'doula', i had an op, they left at 6am after this. No-one would have been allowed to see me then as I went straight from recovery to ward and no visitors that early!

However, second time, short birth, My DH went to collect DD from a friend's and i was happy for her to visit me at about 5pm too, 6 hours after birth. Not one person before, no way. I wanted that time with my DH and my son, and to sleep a little

I agree with all the posters saying that your MIL should not arrive until you are ready. You do need time - I, personally, was in shock after the arrival of DD and was v glad it was only DH and I.

One other point - by ensuring MIL arrives when you are ready, you are setting the boundaries from the get go. Some MILs seem to think that the grandchild is somehow their child and encroach too much. Good to manage the situation right from the start to avoid that.

visitors in the middle of the night is a crazy idea - whoever they are.

wait until propre visiting time - a few hours won't make any difference to her but will allow yo and dh essential bonding/recovery time.

FWIW my sister unexpectedly visited when ds was 4 hours old (in post natal ward at about 3pm) - and i had a right panic about getting myself tidy post cs. not ideal - but that was my sister who is my best buddy - i cannot imagine how uncomfortable i would have felt had it been MIL. i was in a right state!!!