How do you get over a traumatic birth experience?

[memoo]

I had my 3rd baby 7 weeks ago, She is absolutly perfect and we are both doing really well now but I just can't get over the horrendous birth.

I was induced due to Gestational diabetes which I wasn't worried about before hand because I was induced with first 2 DC and had relatively easy vaginal deliveries with just G and A but this time was so different.

After finally having my waters broken 4 days after being admitted to hosptial I laboured for 10 hours but then everything went wrong. Baby really wasn't happy and I ended up being rushed in for Emergency CS.

I had an epidural and then after they open me up DD had got her head stuck in an awkward position in birth canal and they struggled to get her out, in the end they used forceps to yank her out of my abdomon.

DD was born she wasn't breathing and they had to work on her for 5 minutes to get her breathing correctly.

I then had a huge bleed and had to lie there for another 45 minutes while they tried to stop it which they finally did. Baby had been taken into recovery and DH had been sent out of the room and I didn't really know what was happening.

Was quite ill for a few days after and needed 2 blood transfusions. Midwives looked after DD but were bottle feeding her as I was too weak to try to breast feed. By the time I tried a couple of days later I just couldn't get her to latch on and not being in a very strong emtional state I just gave up. I deeply regret that now and feel really deprived of having that experience with my DD.

I so wanted to have a positive birth experience as DD is my last but I find it hard to even talk about it because I get that upset about it.

I know I should just be grateful that DD and I are both ok in the end but I still feel so traumatised by the whole thing its like a reacurring nightmare that keeps going round in my head. I really don't want to remember DD's birth like that.

Has anyone else had a bad time and been able to put it behind them and move on?

Sorry for typo's, have DD over one shoulder Have to go and feed her now but will try and nip back on later on or in morning as nights are still a bit fullon at the mo

tia xx

Congratulations on your new DD!

I really sound like an evangelist for this, but does your hospital offer a debriefing service? My DD1 was a traumatic experience, and I went to the hospital twice, where a mw (who had not been involved in my care, so had no axe to grind) went through my notes with me and tried to explain all that had happened. I went twice because I cried so hard the first time that we did';t manage to get through the whole birth

Oh, and you don't have to just be grateful that you and DD are OK - you need to work out your feelings about what happened too (not that my DH thought I should just get over it as DD1 and I were alright, oh no ).

I feel for you. Try Birthlight. There is one Trainer there called Ingrid something who's amazing and does a lot with traumatic births... Might be worth a look...

Hi Memoo,
I had a very similar birth to yours 10 weeks ago with my 4th baby (after three perfectly straightforward deliveries)- mine was so tangled in her cord she would have died without a c section immediately. Like yours my baby is absolutely lovely.

My solace is that I did my utmost to labour naturally, but that she just wasn't going to come out the standard route and I am just thankful that there is a medical alternative when things go pear-shaped in pregnancy. Do you know that you the midwives are very willing to sit down with you and your notes and go over your birth process if you want to? Many women find this very comforting, as it helps them to understand why things happened.

I hope you have recovered well from the birth. It has helped me a lot that my c section, post op pain management and handling by all the staff at the hospital were all trouble-free.

Oh, and apparently forceps are fairly often used, my husband was told, to extract the baby in order to minimise the length of the incision. Not a question of yanking so much as not wanting to cut you any more than necessary. Mine came out by forceps as well rather than the surgeon's hand.

Not breathing again is common in C section babies due to the fact that they are not squeezed through the birth canal and their lungs are not cleared of fluid. Luckily they know how to deal with that and suction, use the ressuscitation equipment etc to do the job that natural birth does in clearing the lungs.

Hi memoo, congratulations on your new baby!

I had a very traumatic birth after induction, including emergency c-section, infected waters and haemorrhaging. I completely understand how you feel and I agree with the above- you do not need to feel grateful that you are ok. It's perfectly normal and ok to feel devastated and shocked by the whole affair. It's really important that you find a way of dealing with these feelings as they can turn into PND (don't panic, probably won't, but worth being honest about these things.)

What you are suffering from is a kind of post traumatic stress. You can ask about the trained midwife, as poledra said (at my hospital they were called the birth story midwife). Or you can go to your GP, explain the problem and go for counselling. I did both and found it extremely useful. You could also refer to the Birth Trauma Association for support/ advice.

I still, 2 years on, shed a tear for the terrible time we had, but I have learnt to come to terms with it and understand it. I sometimes even look forward to giving birth to my DD in approximately 8 weeks time.

Thanks for the replies and sorry its taken me so long to get back, hard to find the time at the mo with 7 week old DD.

Having a debrief is something I didn't know you could request but it sounds like a fantastic idea and I think would help hugely. I have so many questions because I don't really remember huge chunks of the labour and delivery.

I keep asking DH questions, desperately trying to fill in the gaps abd find out exactly what happened but he doesn't have the answers either.

I don't even really understand what happened to DD when she was born. I know they were working on her for what felt like ages because of her breathing but don't really understand why she was struggling.

I had to go to see my GP a week after she was born because of water infection. He got my hosptial discharge notes up on his computer screen which I could see and it said "baby flat at birth" I don't even want to think about what that means.

Duchesse, its really good to know that some of what I experienced is normal for C/S. A huge part of how I feel is wondering why everything went so wrong for me and DD and knowing that its common does help.

I feel so guilty as if I have put my DD through a really traumatic experince. I feel so innadequate and let down by my body, as though my inabilty to give birth to her nearly cost her her life.

I feel cheated out of the birth I thought I would have and the bond of breastfeedind my baby. Its almost like mourning the loss of something.

Think I am waffeling but its so hard to put it down in words.

Riven, I will go and have a look for that website now. I have read some of your previous posts about the birth of your DD and so do know a little of the awful time you went through.

Oh Memoo, I have such huge sympathy for you - I really felt that I had let DD1 down (em c-s under general anaesthetic) as she had such a traumatic birth and I wasn't even awake to see her. And, when I did come round, DH asked me if I wanted to see her and I told him to take her away as I was too tired.

Something that came out of the debriefing was that I also felt that I had let DH down, as we didn't have the lovely natural experience I thought we would have for the birth of our first child. On the mw's advice he came with me for the second debrief appt, and was quite able to tell me that he did not feel let down, thank you very much, as he had a baby daughter and a wife who were both alive and breathing and healthy, and that would do him fine, thank you very much.

I also felt like I had 'given up' too soon, that I was a wimp who couldn't just take the pain and get on with it. However, as the mw pointed out, they are not in the habit of giving GAs and performing major surgery just because you are a wimp - that fact DD was in foetal distress might just have had something to do with it.

You are mourning the loss of something - the loss of the birth experience you wanted and the bfeeding bond. Let yourself grieve for that.

PS sorry if cross-posted, was interrupted and this has been sitting on my PC for an hour.

I love to simplify things, memoo, and part of what's helped me to simplify DD3's birth is knowing that she wouldn't be here if relatively risk-free c section hadn't been available, and I might not either.

Basically, in both our daughters' cases, they had got themselves into situations where they couldn't come out of us the usual route by being too active or curious. When I watched my daughter a few days after she was born, when she was well again, I could completely see why she'd ended up with her legs so tangled in her cord- she is on the go all the time. It's pretty random I'm afraid. There's nothing you have done to stop your little daughter's head from being stuck in an odd situation. It could be that she was just a little active in your womb shortly before she was born and simply ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Like you I ended up with prolonged rupture of membranes (it said 96 hours in my notes!!) and my daughter and I both picked up an infection. She was in special care for 5 days, where they treated an infection they knew she had (high temp and very high heart rate) but couldn't identify. Again, I'm very grateful for the existence of antibiotics in cases like mine as she wouldn't be here without them and neither would I in all likelihood (I also had an infection by the time she was born). I say this despite being a mother earther dead-set homebirther, who you'd expect to react really badly to my hyper-medicalised fourth birth- I know the staff thought I'd be really upset.

I just feel that because my daughter was curious even in utero and played with her cord, she ended up in a sticky situation. I just hope that her insatiable curteosity doesn't end her in more scrapes later in life (and she's CERTAINLY not taking up bungee-jumping!!)

I don't know if this could be of any use, but it's my live birth thread from August, from the time my waters went to when we left hospital 11 days later.

hi memoo i had a traumatic birth 18mnths ago it nearly cost mine and my ds life. i had to have a emergency forceps delivery, being cut from front to back with no pain relief. i got in touch with pals who arranged a debriefing which allowed me to have a lot of questions answered. i am sure can still do this. i have had therapy in the form or cognative behaviour therapy and i found this helped me. i had a really good mental health team who took care of me after this bad time. maybe you could contact your gp and ask for some help. i was diagnosed with ptsd but have managed to put it all behind me now. i hope you achieve the same.

Poledro, you have hit the nail on the head with the feeling of having let DH down! I never thought about that much before but you are spot on, I do feel like I have failed him.

I spent the whole of my pregnancy telling him how easy the delivery would be because this was my 3rd baby.

When they gave me the epidural because a section was looking likely I remember telling him I was so sorry over and over again because I had been determined that I was going to have just G and A.

I wanted us to share this wonderful, natural birth experience together and instead it was a total nightmare.

Duchesse, my DD is also very active! She was like that the whole pregnancy and even use to try and wriggle away when the midwife was using the doppler or when I was having a scan. She never stops now, even when she is asleep her arms and legs are all over the place.

I think I need to keep in my mind, as you said, that without the section my DD and me wouldn't be here today. If you look at it like that then I guess it almost becomes a positive thing because it can't be bad when it saved my babys life.

x-posts, will have a look at that duchess, thanks

Teatank, thanks for you message. I was thinking about visiting GP as i had PND with first DC and I'm worried that the way I am feeling now might turn into depression if I don't do something about it.

Sorry for short reply, DD has been sleeping for ages but is nowing waking for feed, will get back on later hopefully

I felt I'd let DH husband by opting for a general anaesthetic. My reasons were very complicated but the headline reason was that since I already had a line in it would be quicker. I felt really bad because my husband was already in scrubs and ready to go into theatre with me but instead was left behind. I've spoken to him about it since and he claims he didn't mind to much, and that he might actually have fainted if he'd been there as it was the middle of the night and he's never too good then. Since this was one of the things I feared (and he feels bad enough about fainting when was miscarrying three years ago without adding fainting during birth of fourth child to it) I was relieved to hear him say that. I do need to speak to him about again and more but at then moment he seems absolutely fine about neither of us being there to see our daughter born. Like many men, he's pretty pragmatic about things like this.

Riven, there are so many imponderables surrounding birth. I know someone who had three sections and then a perfectly fine VBAC. From what you have said on other threads, it seems that there has never been a proper investigation into why your daughter ended up brain-damaged. The medical personnel seem remarkably happy to keep blaming you and your decision when to my mind there are some things that don't add up. The fact for example that she was born so quickly after things appeared to start to go wrong- babies are designed to withstand impaired oxygen for a few minutes during birth- the massive release of adrenalin usually protects them from damage during a "normal" birth. If the midwives were perfectly happy for you to continue to give birth at home, and presumably her heartbeat was fine during monitoring, then one can only assume that there were no signs of distress or problems until very near the time she was born.

I have read that there can be a link between amniotic infection and CP. Were the membranes tested after she was born? did the midwives report anything unusual-looking about the placenta? I think you once mentioned that they had lost your placenta. The confusion surrounding your daughter's birth, their unwillingness/lateness to treat you for your post-birth complications, all point to either extreme disorganisation or extreme panic. It would be nice to know which it is. Either way it reflects badly on your hospital trust.

Memoo,

I was Mrs Natural-Childbirth/Waterbirth and I spent 52 hours in labour and dialated fully and was ready to get the show on the road when Consultant realised DD's shoulders were stuck above the rim and head not pressing on cervix so off for an EMCS.

DD is now 4 months and I have spent lots of time (or wasted) feeling guilty about not getting her out naturally (I was almost there, I what I keep thinking).

Like you I have wept over what went wrong and not being a proper mother having a CS.
And I really wanted this beautiful calm natural birth too.

I have felt very cheated and down. As well as lots of guilt towards DD for not giving her a "proper" birth.

But you know what - its rubbish - we both did our best! Our very best at that!

Just look into your DDs eyes and her smile - you'll see that she doesn't give a hoot how she came out.

All the same, like you I have felt bad about it and would like to know how I ended up in that situation. I had 3 late scans and they knew I was carrying a large baby so why did it take so long to figure out that it wasn't going to happen??

Answers would be nice and the suggestion by others here of asking to go thru notes would be a good one.

As both you and DD are now well, time is a great healer. 4 months on and I feel better about it all. DD's smiles and giggles and little face makes me forget it slowly.

And reading the posts of others here makes me feel like that DD and I are lucky.

xxx

i had a very traumatic birth and tried to put it all behind me until i got letter to say one of the doctors was being investigated by the GMC. i went to the hearing as a witness and had a long session giving evidence. i now have complications and again find myself having to reiterate the whole thing again.

i have finally had one medical bo suggest that i do in fact need help after all this. still not got it yet tho.

Wow some of these are quite alarming... Mine was not dramatic, just horrid beyond imagining in the aftermath! DD2's second stage delivery- from starting pushing to baby on table- took 14 minutes. The mw told me to stop pushing when I was already pushing for dear life, instead of saying 'when you feel like pushing DON'T PUSH just breathe through it', how could I suddenly stop when I was already pushing which is what I'd thought she wanted?! I had 2nd degree tearing which a different mw then took an hour to stitch up. First just g&a while she manually examined my ruined lady parts inside and out, then while she injected the ruins all over with local anaesthetic. I thought she'd bloody started stitching but then she said 'right thats the anaesthetic in'.
Then I had g&a for the whole hour, solidly, while she stitched me back up and kept plunging the needle into bits she'd missed with the local.
It would really have helped if the mw hadn't kept saying 'we're nearly done' when we clearly were not anywhere near done.
My scar line is still really sensitive to any chafing, chemicals, pressure, thrush, any damn thing really, including sex. No more quickies for sure
Never realised I was quite so bitter about the whole thing. There we are then!

i had my 3rd dd about 6 months ago. the first two dc went as planned, so i expected the 3rd to be much the same spent a couple of hours in the hospital in labour with the gas and air got the baby out every thing was still fine, had the baby laying on me then the midwife said she was going to pull the placenta out , then all hell let loose started bleeding still slightly out of it on gas and air, thank god otherwise would have compleatly freaked out.husband was as white as a sheet . and with in seconds there were about 8/9 doctors-nurse's injecting, putting drips in and getting basically what felt like being punched in the stomach repeatedly and god knows what eles. in the end i lost about 5 pints of blood spent nearly a week in hospital and anemic. i know we are both fine and the stories on here are a lot worse than mine but now i suffer with mild post natal depression, doctor won't give me anything untill i stop b/feeding and i cant get the images out of my head of what happened and what could of happened. how do you recover from this sort of thing? i feel quite lost since this happened.

Sounds like you had a terrible time. And this only happened 7 weeks ago. You cannot expect to recover from such a traumatic experience quickly, it'll take months or even years before you feel physically and emotionally strong again.

However, time will heal, and there are support services (mentioned by other posters) that you can approach for advice. Don't feel guilty though - it's a negative emotion and will not help you or anyone else.

You will recover with the right support and time. Don't be afraid to ask for the former, and give yourself the latter.

Thanks for the replies,

Sorry I keep dipping in and out of this but it so painful I often can't deal with even thinking about it.

I am so sorry for those of you who have had a bad birth experience too. I can relate to all of you, some of your words really strike a cord with me.

Booksgalore, writing out my birth story in full is a good idea because at the moment I still can't bring myself to talk about it. Even talking to my DH is hard.

I saw a women giving birth on tele the other day and I was so jealous it really got to me.

This might sound odd but I feel like I didn't give birth to my daughter. Its like one minute I was pregnant and then the next I was presented with this baby and told she was mine.

For the first week I was constantly studying her features looking for similarities between her and me and DH just so I knew she was my baby. Even now I obviously know she is mine but there is this tiny doubt in the back of my head.

I so wanted to feel myself give birth to my baby, I wanted to have that moment of sheer relief when your baby is born and placed on your cheast. That wave of love and recognition that you get when you look down at this tiny baby.

Instead I was cut open and my baby was yanked from my body not breathing. I lay there for ages in silence waiting for them to tell me my baby was dead. Even when they showed her to me it was only briefly and then she and DH were gone. I know now its because I was losing so much blood that they just wanted DH out of the way but at the time I really did think my baby was gone.

When I was finely wheeled into recovery and DH was there holding our baby I couldn't believe she was there at that she was ok.

Hi again, memoo. It is a kind of grieving you are going through, and all perfectly natural (though this doesn't make it easy of course). Have you managed to seek out any other support for yourself? Maybe talked to your GP about counselling?

I know it seems impossible now, but that feeling of bonding with your baby will come, I am sure. Give your selves time to recover from the trauma of the birth; you won't always feel like this.