After DH left, I felt completely abandoned on the Maternity Ward

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After giving birth to dd, and after DH left, I felt completely abandoned on the Maternity Ward - because of the timing and length of labour neither of us had slept for three days, and he needed to go home for sleep. But I was hysterical from the moment the door banged on his departure until six hours later, when the Sister rang home and asked him to return. I found the Maternity Ward hellish and I hated it.

I am planning a hospital birth this time and I don't know how to deal with this aspect of things. I'd welcome advice and whether anyone else felt this way.

Went to hosp as late in labour as could manage (ie when got rather painful) and left 6 hours after the delivery. Dh allowed to stay while we waited for the paed to check dd over, in fact we stayed in the delivery suite and slept for a few hours, so I never even saw the postnatal ward. When the paed came he took off dd's nappy and she'd performed her first poo just for him. I offered to clean and change her but he said he's do it and did! That's service for you (and it was enormous amounts of sticky meconium - think he wished he hadn't offered by the end of it! Can really recommend leaving hosp asap after the birth (assuming all is well with mother and baby).

With my first child, I went into slow labour a few days before my due date. I knew I was in labour, contractions getting stronger and closer together etc. I went into hospital mid afternoon, they checked me and said I was dilating (hooray!) albeit slowly. I was moved off labour ward, and things slowed down. At 10pm, another Mum-to-be that was in for high blood pressure (her baby wasn't due for over a month) complained that my dh was still with me on the ward, so they kicked him out! I was 3cm dilated when he left, and I panicked because we live on the other side of the city! This stopped my labour, and I went home (4cm dilated, still having a few contractions) the following tea time! I finally had my ds 2 days later on his due date! In the middle of that night, I woke up to see a teenage lad having a good look through the curtains! Apparently, the whole of their family was allowed in after midnight because they were Asian, and the family gather to see baby ASAP. There was 20-odd people in the room. I felt strangely vulnerable. Dd came a year later, I booked an "amenity room" (side room to the rest of us!) but had to stay in for a few days 'cos of grp. b strep. Side room was much nicer!

Don't know how your infirmary works, but in ours you can't book a private room.

I want to leave as soon as possible after this one is born. B/c of short-staffing - NOT b/c the midwives and nurses were incompetent or didn't care - the post natal 'care' I got was appalling and significantly contributed to my PND.

This time, I want to be at home near DH and my mum as soon as possible so I can get some rest.

IMO, if they're going to do away with well-baby nurseries, as our infirmary did, then they need to allow partners and/or family to stay with the new mum so they can look after the baby whilst she gets some rest.

I cried a river when they sent DH home - he was the first one to hold her as I went unconscious from exhaustion. I cried allnight feeding DD and on the second night tried to kill myself. I just wanted it all to stop and wanted some rest.

All I can say about post natal wards is - HOMEBIRTH!!! I'll be distraught if my plan gets scuppered!

Mp does ur hospital do private rooms? If they do then you could ask for one because of your prior upset etc. Also you may be able to go home 6hrs after baby is born as some hospitals allow this.

I hated being on maternity wqard too and had to stay for 3nights. Luckily the second night there was only myself and one lady on there.
I am hoping this time to be able to leave after 6hrs...lol

good luck

I honestly believe that booking an amenity room was best for me...I was actually panicked about snoring in front of the other moms (!!??) so booked it in advance, but having the space and privacy to bond with my baby without any others around was priceless...esp as he cried constantly from arrival in room at 7pm to 3.30am! It also meant my Dh could be relaxed and go home when he liked (no-one checked)....

Interesting that so many people's choice of homebirth is due to horrible experiences in the post natal wards.
I hated being there, and some really awful things happened. It was demoralising, dehumanising, and was a real barrier to establishing confidence in bf, rest, sleep, awful, awful, awful.

I hated it there too - I was ill after having DD (we now think a reaction to the injection for the placenta), and was in a room alone. DH was only allowed in at visiting times, so I was so so lonely.

I am planning on a homebirth next time partly because of that.

RedZuleika, both mine were home births and both times GP came out to do post natal baby check (London and Bristol) so no, you shouldn't be expected to take a baby into the surgery IME.

The private rooms are just not an option for some people - they're not available at all.

So I'll be discussing w/the midwife at my booking in either going home as soon as or homebirth.

I never, ever want to feel the way I did on that maternity ward again. Sleep deprivation is bad enough when you're at home with a newborn, much less in a room w/three other women, crying babies and no help.

At least at home I'll have DH, the ILs, my SIL, and parents around to help.

Isn't it strange that I don't want to go back because I was so alone, and others don't want to because of the sharing with other women??

It's the lack of help that got me, flame. Also the noise. I just find it impossible to sleep in hospitals - even when I've been in them for reasons other than giving birth.

And even if you are sharing a room, that doesn't mean you get help. All the other mums are in the same boat.

No, thanks. With the sad excuse for cleaning they have and the cramped conditions, I'm sure we'll be seeing more MRSA.

My mum can cook better meals as well!

I felt completely abandoned too.

DD was born late in the evening so I was put in a private room, DH sent home and then I was left to it. I buzzed for help when she cried (as I had a catheter fitted I couldn't move around myself) and after about the third time the nurse on duty put my DD in the bed with me to sleep to save so she didn't have to get up.

Almost 4 years later I'm still in shock that she did that. I hadn't slept for 30 hours and had taken every medication going. I was no state to have a newborn baby in the bed with me!

The next morning no one told me about breakfast. It wasn't until I got DH to ask when he came that I found out I'd missed it.

I was completely left the 3 days I was in there. Afterwards, on speaking to other people who were also at the same hospital I found out that there was a communual lounge (was never shown to me) and demonstrations on bathing, changing and feeding baby - I was not invited.

I'm now pregnant with no.2 and hoping my next experience will be better.

I really want a private room and I'm willing to pay as much as it'll cost as I've heard the most awful stories about the communal rooms (6 beds) in our hospital. They are hot with no windows to open, the babeis scream all the time, you all have to share the same dirty toilet not only with the women but also all the visitors, there's everybodies visitors around all day and then the mess, gift wrapping, nappies etc. I don't think I could handle that.

Also, if I pay lots of money for a room then I would demand than hubby can stay.

Only problem with the private rooms is that, for above stated reasons, they are very popular and if they are booked up when you come in then you can't get one. In Germany, Denmark, Switzerland and Holland every woman gets a single room by default and partners are allowed to stay over, in Switzerland there's even a 24 hours buffet available for women and partners. So jealous !

Since it is my first I really don't want to even attempt a homebirth.

I too had a dreadful post-natal hospital experience when I had my DD. She was born around 5pm and we didn't get out of the delivery room until 7pm. My DH was allowed to stay until 10pm and then was asked to leave. I wished he'd been allowed to sleep in a chair in the communal TV/day room. It's not like I got any sleep. He might as well have had our little goldfish bowl crib and baby in next to him whilst I got some much needed sleep. That's all I wanted - some sleep.

I was induced so had spent the previous night in hospital too. I had high BP so was put on an automatic BP monitor which took my BP and woke me up every hour!

I was completely overwhelmed when DH left the hospital. No-one helped me when I needed it and I ended up crying and begging for the baby to be taken away. I didn't even know who took her or where, as I just wanted to sleep, and now I feel awful about it.

I also hated to think of my DH at home alone. He'd just had a new baby and he should have been with her, not at home, dreaming about her, worrying about me.

I'm moving soon so will have this baby in a different hospital. Since I'll be on the border of two districts, I have the choice of a midwife-led unit with only 4 private postnatal rooms or a Baby-friendly hospital with no private rooms available. I'd love to go for the former option but can't risk it incase I have to be transferred. If I am transferred I'll end up at the awful hospital where I gave birth last time.

I think it will be better this time round because I'll be glad of the break from DD and so happy to get the chance to read and do nothing. Also I shouldn't be so sleep deprived nor nervous of having a baby to care for. I don't think early release is an option for me unless I have the baby on a Thursday/Friday as my mum works full tiem and we'd need her help at home. Aloso, last time, high BP AFTER the birth meant I almost wasn't allowed home after 3 nights.

I hope MP that you figure out what will be best for you.

Hasn't something (on top of everything else!) gone v badly wrong with maternity care in this country? My MIL had 4 kids in the 70s and 80s and describes each of her postnatal stays (a week each!) as being like a mini-holiday with her and the baby being pampered by the MWs - even the smell of savlon brings back fond memories of it for her

whereas I had 4 days in hospital after a c/s and by the end of it had to beg one of the MWs to let me and ds go home - the stifling heat, the smell of a dozen women's lochia, the lack of privacy (coming out of the shower to find a group of someone else's visitors staring at you is not my idea of fun...), the constant noise of everyone's visitors, waking up to find one of the MWs had put ds in my bed without letting me know, etc etc made it one of the most unpleasant times in my life. I felt like I'd been let out of jail when I finally managed to get out - the smell of cool fresh air was fantastic!

Yes, Carolina, managers found out they could pay themselves more if they cut services to women and babies. That's what happened.

If I had a c-section, I think I'd check out early against medical advise and take my chances rather than staying in that hellhole. I can't imagine that sharing a shower room and toilet with 5 other people and their visitors after major abdominal surgery is good for infection risks as it is.

Seriously. I really wanted to die in there - SO hot, so noisy, no help available b/c of staffing shortages, no one to take the baby when I needed some sleep.

Am hoping for home this time.

Oh god sleeep.....It must have been second or third night and I fell into that kind of sleep where NOTHING (well certainly not a screaming child) will wake you - only to be roughly woken up and told 'baby's crying' and left to it. I cried......

Black, I got the same thing. That was the night I tried to jump out a window. Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture, ffs!

Carolinamoom, I had two babies in the 70's and one in the 80's and it wasn't any better than today, imo. With ds1 I lay in bloodstained sheets for five days, the toilets were blood-smeared, there were 10 or 12 beds in the ward and dh had to bring me food otherwise I'd have starved to death. Staff were offhand and disinterested and I couldn't wait to get home. With ds2, I had a room to myself after ds1 had an accident in the hospital(!) and the staff were okayish, but old-fashioned and warned me of dire things, should I go home early. (I did and nothing happened!) With dd1, I was on a four bed ward inc a woman with twins, who were being test-weighed all night long - "clang, clang, clang went the trolley". It makes me shudder.

However, our local mat unit has a wonderful reputation. There are five beds, I think and they have the best b-feeding rate in Scotland. Staff even give visitors cups of tea and they babysit the newborns so the parents can go out for dinner the night before discharge. I've heard someone say they wanted to stay there until their infant was 18yo!

oh dear, suedonim, sorry to hear that - guess my MIL was just lucky then.

your local unit sounds looovely tho!

Mud - i hate to say this but i know of a few hospitals that will make your dh/dp leave after a certain time at night (i'm obviously talking about the ante/post natal wards and not delivery), especially if you are in a ward and not a private room, its not just you abd your partner that they have to look out for. working on postnatal wards we have had plenty of complaints from other mums that so and so's husband won't leave and i'm knackered and want some sleep. so the midwife in charge normally does the rounds about 10 p.m and asks the dads to leave and if they won't go she will tell them that they have to leave before security are called.
i know that some of you will be shocked by this, but i have to say as someone who wanted to be left alone after the births of my 2, to sleep, i was mightily annoyed when the partner of the woman next to me wouldn't leave until 12 p.m.
i would suggest if you don't want your dh/dp to leave to book a private room, home birth or if everything is straight forward to ask to leave asap without being transferred to the post natal ward.

expat - by day 5 I swore if I was still there I was going out when dp came at visiting time so I could at least walk round the block...luckily they discharged me - don't think they have ever seen anyone leave so fast 'Don't you want to wait for lunch?' WHY is it a five course gourment meal....

how strange this subject has come up- i've just put my daughter to sleep and was looking at her home going babygro from the hospital and incredulous as ever how fast time goes (20 mnths now] but the trauma of the post natal still haunts me.I think a private room is the best option if available...i was in for 8 awful days as dd had jaundice....was finding great difficulty with breastfeeding as milk took ages to come in...was made to feel like a bit of a failure...10 million different midwives keep telling me different things.... i urge you not to be bullied into a confused state where you truly believe you are completely useless...you are not...you have just performed something of a miracle and perhaps are a little fragile and new to this game...be strong and shout a bit [or let your partner do this] and don't be afraid... you'll be fine...and home in no time...good luckxxxxx