Home birth & siblings

[Dannie]

I'm planning a home birth for #3, as dh doesn't drive, so I fret about how to get to hospital. I wondered what other mothers have done with their children during a labour at home. I don't want to banish them from the house, and I obviously don't want them in the room in the latter stages. Hopefully they'd be asleep or at school/nursery & I'd just labour upstairs, if only to avoid babe hitting its head on a chunk of Lego as it enters the world. But it might be Sunday, or half term. My memory of previous labours is that dh was about as much use as a chocolate fireguard and would be better off distracting the children, but he wants to be there. We'd presumably assemble a list of willing neighbours/relatives etc, but for those of you familiar with home birth, will my complaints be audible downstairs if TV or music is on?

No helpful advice I am afraid - but I am in a similar position wanting a home birth but unsure what to do with dd1. I would recruit my family who are near by as they are great with her and often babysit. However, they have all said that they don?t want to know when I am in labour as they would find the wait and worry really awful so want to be told after the event. Hmmm- I will respect their wishes but it still leaves me wondering about what to do with dd1 as we have no close frineds living near enough. I don?t want her around as I don?t want to be worrying about her getting upset and trying to comfort her while going through labour myself. I Will monitor this thread carefully to see how others have coped with this tricky dilemma...

The way you wrote your post really made me laugh Dannie ... I like the chocolate fireguard line ...
Anyway ... My SIL had her 2nd and 3rd children at home. With the the first of her homebirths she had recruited her best friend to be on standby and come round with her son who was the same age as her DD. The friend spent the time upstairs with the two children watching telly and playing games ... if she heard anything too loud she either turned the tv up a bit or sang louder!! (Admittedly my SIL is a 'grunter' not a 'screamer' ... so there was nothing too horrible for her DD to hear) They are very good friends so in fact the friend came at 9pm ... and stayed way into the night when the baby had been born. SIL didn't want her DD to be woken up by labour sounds so it was best for the friend to be there ...
Her third child (the second home birth) was very quick and they had this time arranged for a good friend to come and pick up the girls to take them away for the night ... they were living abroad at this time so the original best friend wasn't available ... as it happened my SIL actually gave birth on the bathroom floor on her own while my brother was putting the DDs in the friend's car ... way before the midwife arrived ... in fact the whole labour was 45 minutes from start to finish ... but that is another story ... So the girls never went to the friend's house ... they just got out of the car again to go and greet their new baby brother!!
So, that is our family story ... If I were you I would ask around your family and friends and see if anyone is prepared to come at short notice to entertain your DD while you are labouring. I am sure that someone would be able to do that for you ... I know that if someone asked me to do that for them I would be honoured ...
HTH a bit ....

I'm in the same position; I can't see an alternative to getting dd out of the house, as I think if I do last out at home I'll be VERY loud. In fact I'm faintly concerned about the neighbours too.

I've asked DD's very good childminder if she can stay the night there if need be (she's already said yes)and/or a friend from the antenatal group. It is a real problem. In fact it's a problem if you go to hospital too.

My first labour took three and a half days - I am hoping this one will be shorter but I doubt that I will be fortunate to have a night time labour and have her sleeping through it. I feel able to ask some friends for a day but if it goes on, not sure how ready my very clngy and mumcentric daughter would cope with several days away from mum. Maybe she should stick around during the early stages and have friends on stand by to pick her up if/when the going gets a bit tougher and possibly noisier! Motherinferior - lol, I can relate to being concerned about the neighbours - not sure what my next door teenage boys will make of it all if they cotton on to what is going on....

My sister was born at home in the night, when I was 7: we just woke up in the morning, heard what sounded like a kitten and my dad came and got us and said you have got a new baby sister, come and see her. Unfortunately my strongest memory is when I was given her to hold, I accidentally bumped her head and everyone told me off, which put our relationship off on the wrong foot straight away ...

A friend of mine deliberately had her 10 yr old daughter with her when the baby was born (not at home) as she knew that her dd's physical handicaps would mean she was never likely to give birth. Apparently it was a wonderful experience for both of them, and new dd was adored from the word go.

I'm interested in this too since I may go for a home birth and wonder what to do about ds, who will be just 6 by then. I'm not sure where we'll be living but it won't be near family and I doubt I'll have made any great friends by then if we're in a totally new city. Worrying isn't it? I'm hoping for a quick night time event, that would definitely be best but I did scream the place down last time so I can't see how he's going to sleep through it. Still, it's all a long way away for me yet. Sorry Donnie, totally unhelpful to you!

I was thinking about this just last night! Currently 28 wks pg with no3 so due smack in the middle of summer holidays which means that both DS (will be 5 on due date!) and DD (3.5) will definielty be around. We don't have family living close by. SIL will help but is an hour away and due back from states around due date so may not be here. Don't have many other freinds or neighbours to call upon.

DD was born at home when DS was 19 months. She arrived late evening and DS slept through the whole thing which was a huge relief. He wandered in next morning and found the baby so was very chuffed. Will it be as convenient this time?

Would be great if they were both asleep but what to do during the day? (DH works over an hour away as well). DD born in 1hr20mins so I'm a bit wary of calling on a mum from School and having her turn up to collect them with me very close to delivery. So I suppose I will just sit down and have a good talk with them about what it will be like. They were with me through a gruesome MC just before this pg so will use that as a starting point but explain it will be less scary and more exciting. Are there any good books on this subject. Have just got a book about making babies but they could probably do with something about the birth too. I don't mind the idea of them being there and they are both very good. Last time the labour wasn't that painful so I'm not worried about scaring them.

So I'm pretty sure they will both play a big part in the whole thing, whether I want them to or not. In fact if the labour is any quicker than last time then they will probably both become inpromptu midwives for me!

However positively I think, I still have to be realistic about my decibel levels! I would absolutely LOVE a quick midnight labour during which both two year-old and neighbours (including teenage boys) slumbered angelically, but really I can't see that happening, not with the thickness of our walls and all...

Thanks for all your messages. DS and DD were both induced, which is one reason I'd like to stay away from hospital this time, so I have no idea how I'll behave in a 'normal' labour. I know I made a huge fuss having DD, but I was on a drip and they made me lie on a bed and I had cramp in my legs. I'd heard induced labours were more painful (though I can't really compare!) so I'm assuming it'll be less horrible and I'll scream less (although...). Motherinferior, that's a very good point about hospital presenting the same problem.
DD at 3 is a bit small to be terribly interested in the mechanics, but DS (nearly 5) has already asked about who helps the baby come out, which made for a lively trip to school the other morning!

I think it depends on age of the child, and what you feel comfortable with. I think that it is true that we subconciously 'wait' for a good time to go into labour. My dd was 19 mths and I was worried about her being scared, and asked my MIL to be on standby, and also asked a friend, in case the labour was when my MIL was working. In the event, my labour started around 9 pm and my daughter slept through the whole thing. I wouldn't worry about noise - I definitely moaned groaned and yelled with my first and my neighbour was gobsmacked when I told her a couple of days later, and we live in a small London terrace where we can hear neighbors turning on lights and brushing teeth!

Also meant to say good luck! I hope it is a wonderful event for you all.

I think it depends on age of the child, and what you feel comfortable with. I think that it is true that we subconciously 'wait' for a good time to go into labour. My dd was 19 mths and I was worried about her being scared, and asked my MIL to be on standby, and also asked a friend, in case the labour was when my MIL was working. In the event, my labour started around 9 pm and my daughter slept through the whole thing. I wouldn't worry about noise - I definitely moaned groaned and yelled with my first and my neighbour was gobsmacked when I told her a couple of days later, and we live in a small London terrace where we can hear neighbors turning on lights and brushing teeth!

I had a schedule for possible child-minding friends to call on specific dates & times of day (over the 5 week period I could expect to birth at home). What actually happened is that during the labour, 2yo 1st child woke up asking for me. I was thus left alone during part of my labour, but DH left child & came to me when he heard me yelling loud enough. Child went back to sleep by himself (unusually!).

I screamed my fool head off for 20-40 minutes during labour, and both neighbours (we live in a semi) swear they heard nothing that night.

I had many sleepless nights worrying about ds1 and where he would go at various stages of the day and got lots of friends and neighbours involved as emergency fall back - still uneasy about as you cannot cover every eventuality. People told me it would all fall into place including mumsnet and sure enough - ds1 slept through the whole thing only two rooms away - ds2 born at 6.55am ds1 woke at 7.10am!

Hope you're as lucky but I would make a list of phone numbers and availability and also make a note of their routines so that someone could follow it for you - dont worry - it will be fine

To add to what everybody else has said, I had ds2 at home and worried constantly about what would happen as we had no family close by. I had his childminder on call during the day and a good friend who lived close by on standby to take ds1 in the evening and overnight if necessary.

Anyway, midwife promised me I would go into labour at night - seems to be how home births go. Sure enough labour started about 10pm, midwifes arrived at 3am, ds2 born at 6am and ds1 woke up to find his new brother. He had slept through it all, and I actually think that knowing he was upstairs helped keep me focused. We also lived in a terraced house and neither neighbour heard anything.

You say you obviously wouldn't want your children with you in the latter stages. I know two women who have had their young children present and who say it was fantastic. If it came to it would this be a worse case scenario?

Good luck whatever happens. When are you due?

Interesting that most home births seem to happen at night - mine started around 3am, and dd2 was born at 8:26am. But my home birth wasn't planned - just a case of "well, you're 9cm, will start pushing when the waters break, and that could be any minute, so lets do the show right here! ". We had already called our childminder to ask her to have dd1 (2.5 at the time), as we thought we were on our way to hospital. However, I was very calm and in control, dd1 was very happy with us all (1 midwife, 1 student, another midwife a little later and dh) in the bedroom, so the midwives said that it was fine for her to stay, as long as she and we were happy. So I gave birth to dd2 lying in my bed, with dd1 sitting next to me. And it was truly wonderful. Of course, it's not the sort of thing you can really plan, as you never now how it's going to go, but for me, having dd1 there made the whole thing perfect.
Dd1 is now absolutely obsessed with watching any TV programme she can find about birth/babies, etc.

This is very reassuring. It's dh who's worried more than me. Personally, I'd be happy to just get on with it, cos if it's a 'nasty' birth it'll be happening at the hospital anyway. And if dh standing around wringing his hands and making fatuous comments annoys me as much as it did the 1st 2 times, I can at least send him off to make tea for the midwives! I'm not due until early November so there's plenty of time.

I so love your attitude to your dh.

Dh is wonderful, and utterly devoted to ds and dd, but not very practical. I secretly hope that if it's daytime he'll work until the last minute (he works mostly from home) and ds and dd can keep me amused (their current craze is telling incomprehensible made up 'jokes' or if it's night time he'll sleep through most of it and the BBC can keep me amused. My main memory of early labour with dd (before they put the drip up) is Kate Adie at Stansted Airport talking me through the Afghan hijack.

I knew it was time to go to hospital when contractions got too much for me to concentrate on that evening's Buffy the Vampire Slayer!

Own dp is very, very anti home birth, poor sweet.

I am like everybody else - worried a great deal about what I'd do with DS.... and DD's labour started at 6PM.... and birth at 10PM... DS never noticed anything, woke up top DD!

I do know people who wanted their other kids to be at the birth... and they had baby during the day....

I think your brain will get you in labour when it will know you can deal with it

Agree with Pupuce, had dd2 at home, in the night,dd1 slept through it all. But she went to bed knowing the baby might be there when she woke.It couldn't have worked out better.

I liked having the siblings around asleep or awake but I was helped by my mum who was there for both 2 and 3 and dealt with the older kids while I laboured. With dd2 born at night dd1 came in in the morning and joined in the cuddles and wiht ds born in the eve both the girls took him off for a guided tour of the house while I was being stitched. I could hear them explaining about the way things work and what he would be allowed to play with. They were downstairs/in the park while I laboured all day and for the first part of the day we all just hung out togethter. They didnt seem bothered by the puffing and panting. Wiht 3 we had just moved house so it seemed important to all stay as settled as possible and not be separated out. So althought it was not an easy labour it worked best for us and I think they are very close as a result. My oldest quite resents having been born in hospital.