Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Does anyone else feel guilty for having 'good births' ?

75 replies

Disenchanted3 · 01/05/2009 19:01

Strange I know! But I have had 3 pregnancies, 3 children.

Each birth was pretty much textbook.

1st - induction, 6 hour labour, water labour, small tear, no pain relief, home next day. Healthy baby.

2 - homebirth, in water, 5.5 hours, healthy baby.

3- Homebirth, longer latent stage, but 3 hour established labour, healthy baby.

My SIL has just had her 2nd son, her 2nd crash c-section, both times her babies have been ill for a while after.

My sister had a heamorrage and her son had an infection and had to stay in hospital on anti-bs for a week,

My aunts 2nd childhad to stay in for a wekk, complications etc...

I thank the Lord regularly for my healthy babies, and i KNOW how lucky I am, but sometimes I just feel awful that Ive been so lucky.

All SIL wanted was a vaginal birth and healthy baby.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MatthewBellamysMuse · 01/05/2009 19:02

I've had two terrible births but I certainly wouldn't want anyone who's had good births to feel bad because of it. It's just the luck of the draw isn't it? Stop feeling guilty!

chequersmate · 01/05/2009 19:03

I don't know, I had a horrible birth with DD.

Wouldn't expect anyone to feel guilty though - just be thankful for it, sounds like you've been very lucky.

ramonaquimby · 01/05/2009 19:04

why ever would you feel guilty about that?

I had 3 fairly straightforward guiltfree births

luckylady74 · 01/05/2009 19:05

No don't feel guilty - you're there to give first time mums hope!

Original poster

Disenchanted3 · 01/05/2009 19:07

I just feel bad that 3 times I've sailed through it and friends/family seem to have really traumatic times, like I've used up all the 'good births' on myself

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 01/05/2009 19:08

I think I know what you mean disenchanted - I'm 3 for 3 too - vaginal births with plenty of stitching but no major complications and off you go home. It does make you feel rather embarassed by your wealth of good fortune.
The thing is - we didn't choose to have everything go well - it just did. We haven't used up anybody else's luck by being so lucky ourselves - and if that's what you are fretting over re you sil you can just stop!

chequersmate · 01/05/2009 19:15

Birth is a horrendour business whichever way it happens IMO.

When "vaginal births with plenty of stitching" is considered a lucky experience that pretty much illustrates the point

HensMum · 01/05/2009 19:26

I had a "bad" birth but a friend's just had the birth she really wanted - at home, in the birthing pool, really short, no tearing, baby healthy - and I'm really pleased for her. You hear so many horror stories, it's just lovely to hear when everything goes to plan.

MintyyAeroEgg · 01/05/2009 19:27

Please don't feel guilty. Its great that you've had good births. I am pleased for you, and only a tiny bit envious .

The only thing you shouldn't feel after having had a good birth is SMUG. But you sound like you are fully aware of that!

The biggest factor in determining whether you have a good birth or a bad birth is luck.

blueshoes · 01/05/2009 21:35

I have had 2 cs, first crash after a short induction, second elective. Thought they were good births all-in-all. I do feel a little guilty to have got off lightly.

Penthesileia · 01/05/2009 21:44

I know what you mean. I had a brilliant homebirth, no tearing, only 20 mins pushing, no pain relief, bf-ing established straightaway. It was amazing. The most incredible day of my life.

But I feel dreadful and guilty talking about it, because I'm so scared of sounding smug or complacent, when I know a lot is down to luck, etc. So, I rarely talked about it.

Actually, I feel writing this now.

suiledonn · 01/05/2009 22:00

Don't feel guilty. I think it is important for women to hear the positive stories as well as the cliched(sp??) horror stories that get told to every woman in her first pregnancy.

I have 2 dds. Had dd1 less than 5 hours from first minor twinge and dd2 arrived within 2 hours of first twinge - no tears, stitches or anything and I have never been made to feel guilty.

TheCrackFox · 01/05/2009 22:17

I think it is great if you have a lovely birth. So long as you avoid sounding smug (there has been no smuggery on this thread ) you will be fine.

minksy · 02/05/2009 08:45

I agree with suiledonn - we hear too many horror stories and childbirth isn't designed to be a negative experience. I had a great first birth, but I'm due to have my second any time and I am anxious that it could be the total opposite this time round. There's a book that I can't recommend highly enough: It's called 'Childbirth without Fear' by Grantly Dick-Read. It was written years ago but it has a fantastic philosophy of how controlling our fear of childbirth can actually make the process easier, and therefore less likely to require the intervention which results in the horror stories we are often left with.

MintyyAeroEgg · 02/05/2009 18:50

You see, Minksy, you have now just done the classic put-down to all of us who had horrific births. Without meaning to, I'm sure. But it doesn't help to suggest that reading a book will make a difference to a woman's birth outcome. It is more than a little insulting. Am not cross about it, am just pointing it out.

norksinmywaistband · 02/05/2009 19:13

I feel incredibly guilty that I was unable to have normal births for my DC and that not only did I require assistd births/CS that my DD was damaged because I couldn't get it right.

These are feelings I am dealing with, and did not want to bog down the thread with me style stories, but please, disenchanted do not feel guilty for having good births and happy healthy DC - For crying out loud if we all feel guilty whether a good birth of "bad" birth, everyone is feeling guilty and there is absolutely no point in that.

They makes us feel guilty about every other decision we make as they grow up anyway.

I think guilt is something every parent carries and is swapped for a placenta, as you have your PFB, and it never leaves you, just look how we debate every tiny detail about our DC on here

slushy06 · 02/05/2009 19:20

mintyy I think your being a bit hard -its a book and it helped minsky be a little less anxious about her upcoming birth so she thought she would recommend others read it to ease their minds.

pagwatch · 02/05/2009 19:20

I had three absoloutely lovely births.
I don't feel guilty in the slightest and find the notion pretty bizarre tbh.
Life will shit on all of us at some stage. I enjoy the good bits and try and deal with the bad. To screw with the good bits by worrying that others have not been so lucky seems to me a pretty curmugeonly way to go about things.

When I have a bad experience I do not begrudge others for having better. Life is waaayyyy to short for that. Empathy is good but within reason - seriously .

boogeek · 02/05/2009 19:21

I don't feel guilty. Grateful and very very lucky given that >90% of friends and acquaintances have a horror story to tell, but not guilty.

Gillyan · 02/05/2009 19:22

I had a really bad birth and am in a total dilemma about the next one (I'm 30wks)

however don't feel guilty about having a good birth! You daft woman! I think it's great you had such a good time. I think it's becuase poeple talk about and post about the awful times they've had more than if you'vehad a good time.

I think it's good you have posted that you had an ok time.

My friend has had 4 kids, she is a slim size 10 and has had all her babies naturally, no pain relief, no tears or grazes and 10lb plus babies ALL of them!

Don't feel guilty for sharing your positive experiences.

scienceteacher · 02/05/2009 19:22

I have had five good births, including a natural breech.

I have found that it is just not on to talk about them in mother's groups. It is fine to talk about difficult births and get sypathy.

It's a shame really. It would be really helpful for prospective new mums to be encouraged by good news stories. It would also be helpful to be empowered to avoid situation that lead to some difficult births (ie the cascade of intervention).

CoteDAzur · 02/05/2009 19:29

"childbirth isn't designed to be a negative experience"

HOW on earth would you know a thing like that?

Next time you speak to God, can you ask him for world peace?

MintyyAeroEgg · 02/05/2009 19:32

I REALLY don't think I was being hard at all Slushy. I hope you saw my post earlier down the thread.

MannyMoeAndJack · 02/05/2009 19:36

Never thought about it tbh but I guess I was glad that I didn't need surgery, stitching, forceps, etc., after I'd heard my friends' birth stories. But I don't think we have total control over what happens to us during pregnancy, labour and birth anyway - the outcome is much more important.

CoteDAzur · 02/05/2009 19:40

OP - We all get lucky sometimes.Don't feel guilty, feel lucky

I know what you mean, though. I had a horrible birth, but conceived at first try at 34 and 37. SIL who is 5 years younger TTC'ed for months, then miscarried, and has been TTC'ing ever since. I know DH and I are very lucky, but also feel a little guilty.

Flip

1 2 3