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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Does anyone else feel guilty for having 'good births' ?

75 replies

Disenchanted3 · 01/05/2009 19:01

Strange I know! But I have had 3 pregnancies, 3 children.

Each birth was pretty much textbook.

1st - induction, 6 hour labour, water labour, small tear, no pain relief, home next day. Healthy baby.

2 - homebirth, in water, 5.5 hours, healthy baby.

3- Homebirth, longer latent stage, but 3 hour established labour, healthy baby.

My SIL has just had her 2nd son, her 2nd crash c-section, both times her babies have been ill for a while after.

My sister had a heamorrage and her son had an infection and had to stay in hospital on anti-bs for a week,

My aunts 2nd childhad to stay in for a wekk, complications etc...

I thank the Lord regularly for my healthy babies, and i KNOW how lucky I am, but sometimes I just feel awful that Ive been so lucky.

All SIL wanted was a vaginal birth and healthy baby.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

bergentulip · 03/05/2009 15:35

I don't feel guilty. Nor sound you.
But, for me, having had two text book births and healthy babies with no scares puts me off considering a third baby.
I just feel very lucky and am convinced my luck will have run out a third time round(!)

bergentulip · 03/05/2009 15:36

'should', not 'sound' (!)

Monkeyandbooba · 03/05/2009 15:38

I feel like this sometimes (sorry not read whole thread), I had two great births at home but feel I can't talk about it or feel happy about it for fear of upsetting someone who has had a less positive experience PLus I get shouted down and no-one believes me anyway when I say that it was great!

MrsTittleMouse · 03/05/2009 15:52

I had a really bad birth (the second wasn't so bad but was really scary as it came close to going the same was as the first). I struggled to hear about good experiences sometimes, but that wasn't because I didn't want anyone else to have them! Just that I was sad that I didn't (especially as DD1 was temporarily in a very bad way as a result, as was I).

The only thing that did wind me up is women who told me that they had a good experience because they were so shit hot and wonderful and did everything "right". I had an awful lot of "but if you'd only done X, Y or Z then you would have had my wonderful experience too" (subtext = "stupid you"). So I would tell them that I did hypnobirth breathing and relaxation techniques, and that I had a supportive midwife, and used a birthing pool, and was very active and upright during labour, and pushed in all sorts of wonderful positions, and they would give me a look like this - - because they didn't believe me. And then I thumped them. Actually, no I didn't, I just went home and cried and beat myself up some more, and hoped that one day the pain in my vagina would go away.

Anyway, the point is - don't feel guilty!

slushy06 · 03/05/2009 16:04

mrs tittle mouse I am sorry you had such a bad experience. It sounds like you tried everything.
Sometimes it is just bad luck.

Mamulik · 03/05/2009 16:14

i had really easy dd1 - no complacations, with little bit of pain, i even didn't know i having her - everything happend at night and in the morning i had my dd1. with dd2 was complitely diffrent and really long and painful. so i use to tell people about dd1 and nobody belived me.

chocolateismyonlyweakness · 03/05/2009 16:24

I had a complicated birth with my ds, epidural, episiotomy, tear, failed ventouse and after they prepared us for an emergency c-section the forceps did it - my ds still has the scar on his head from the forceps and he was covered in bruises. 2nd time was great, just gas and air.

I didn't mind anybody having an easy birth, and certainly don't feel guilty, it is purely luck of the draw!

kidowner · 03/05/2009 17:42

I had an orgasm during first birth. There said it. Now wait for the machine gun fire.

CoteDAzur · 03/05/2009 18:31

Here. Have a medal.

slushy06 · 03/05/2009 18:50

Have a sympathy badge

Monkeyandbooba · 03/05/2009 18:54

Lucky you Kidowner, but not one to bring out at a dinner party eh

I enjoyed my labours, didn't orgasm but found it strangely exhilarating nonetheless.

TheMysticMasseuse · 03/05/2009 19:16

if i had an orgasmic birth i would be telling everyone!

I can't believe that it's ok to talk about horrible birth experiences and not about the blissful ones. i don't think anyone really believes that births go "wrong" because the mother hasn't read enough books or done enough visualisation or whatever, but i am sure it helps, and in any case, having had a good birth doesn't preclude women from empathizing with others who haven't had the same luck...

personally i found it very empowering to hear positive stories before my first labour, i am not saying it made things go well, but at least i didn't spend nine months terrified of giving birth like a lot of women i know.

it would be very sad if women felt they cannot share these stories with other women...

chequersmate · 03/05/2009 20:12

Not sure orgasmic birth is actually inducing.

Unless you have a very ropey sex life, that is

kidowner · 03/05/2009 20:24

for a minute I thought I'd killed the thread.

Sex life is nonexistent as dh does not want any more babies and doesn't trust contraception.

Also him being present at the birth with me going 'wooo wooo' without his doing anything couldn't have helped!

chequersmate · 03/05/2009 20:41

Well that killed it.

mrsgboring · 04/05/2009 13:57

At the risk of flogging a dead thread....

I know exactly what you mean, OP. In my case it is frankly ridiculous as my first labour was to deliver my stillborn DD who was lying posterior and the anaethetists had all fucked off to who knows where so I had diamorphine which was horrific and made me puke and hallucinate and did virtually nothing for the pain.

I still feel strangely guilty and ashamed that after three labours I've never laboured longer than 5 hours, never needed stitches and have recovered physically pretty well.

WHY do we do this to ourselves?

cory · 04/05/2009 22:37

there are so many factors that influence what is felt to be a good birth that it would be impossible to know when you should be feeling guilty even if you did decide to go down that route

I had a very similar birth experience to the one Cote described for my first birth, emergency caesarian following induction for the second, but did not feel either of them was a bad birth, particularly not the caesarian; though obviously if I had to judge myself on the naturalness of my labours I'd be right down there at the bottom of the class

the pleasantness of the operating team made a big difference, as did dh's support, and being already at home in the hospital after weeks in the ante-natal ward

under different circumstances, those exact same births could have felt horrendous

wouldn't dream of grudging somebody else the perfect birth, anyway

as long as they accept that I did the best I could under the circumstances

kidowner · 05/05/2009 02:21

So sorry to hear you had a stillborn Mrs Boring.

staylucky · 10/05/2009 12:59

I was so frightened about my first labour due to every woman I met giving me blow by blow accounts of every twist and turn of their seemingly endless birthing experiences.

As it turned out I didn't find it that painful I was drug free and the whole thing lasted about three hours.

I get that it's not that straightforward for everyone, people have complications but I also think that some women just like banging on about it too.
I certainly have never felt guilty about having a good birth. No one seems to feel guilty about making me listen to their entire hospital notes!

SallyJayGorce · 10/05/2009 13:09

I had three good births and am happy to tell people that but, although I was positive and felt no apprehension etc, a lot of it is due to bloody good luck and I would always make that clear. I do think it's important to tell the truth about it if you are lucky enough to have a good experience because it is just as valid as all the ones which spiral away from the ideal. I met a woman recently who had decided not to have children purely because the stories she had heard had terrified her so thoroughly. She couldn't get enough of hearing about my experiences and it was great to be able to have someone interview me in such depth because I do feel it's not on to talk at length about the good side if you are with someone who had a shit time. She said she had no idea it could go so well and assumed it always ended with fear and panic. She feels she is much more likely to try for a baby now since she'd love a child but felt utterly put off by the birth. Her SIL to be has now had a good birth, after two atrocious ones, and that has reassured her that while it might not be great, it might be amazing and you have to hope for the best and go with the flow for good or bad. So long as you have your child at the end all the agony is worth it I think.

blinder · 17/05/2009 22:46

I'm 25 weeks pregnant and after PTSD from my first birth (12 years ago) I am gulping down positive birth stories like pure water in a desert.

I think some of the negative reactions towards these stories are due to women feeling that there is some achievement in an easy birth, which means that a difficult birth is seen as some sort of failure.

Obviously that's far too simple an explanation. Just because a woman attributes her own easy birth to relaxation or positivity, doesn't mean she is making any sort of judgement on women like me who suffered during labour. I don't feel as though anyone here has been smug and I wish that they weren't being shouted down for trying to share their experience.

Keep the positive stories coming! We need them!

I'd love to orgasm during birth kidowner! Anything to pass the time. Any tips?

MrsTittleMouse · 17/05/2009 23:04

I think that a lot of the women who "bang on about it" are traumatised by the delivery, and need to talk it through over and over in order to process it. Which means that they sometimes tell people about it who'd rather not hear. I certainly had PTSD after my first delivery and was in a very shaky emotional state. When I got counselling things improved and I was able to not tell the world and his wife just how badly I was treated and how dreadful I felt. It took two and a half years and a second delivery to actually get me to the state now where I am bored of talking about it.

I am sure that the failure aspect doesn't help either - it's so reassuring to find out that other women haven't had a good experience too, especially women that you like or respect. It does make you feel less useless and isolated in your pain (in my case physical as well as emotional). Wishing that women wouldn't "bang on about it" when you've had a good experience yourself and have no idea what they're going through is a bit in my opinion. Even though, as I said, I don't think that a good experience is anything for the OP to feel at all guilty about.

flappybitsoskin · 17/05/2009 23:08

no I don't. The labour might have been relatively easy but the hell of pg and reacurrent mc wasn't. Nor is the looking after a severely disabled, terminally ill child. I'd choose the shit birth over that any day

bumpsoon · 18/05/2009 20:28

Personally i have never understood the obsession with the whole birth process ,i got pregnant to have children and in the grand scheme of things birth is only a tiny part of the whole. Mine so far have ranged from fairly traumatic to really not so bad ,does this make me better or worse than anyone else ? Does it buggery ,concentrate on what matters ,you both come through the experience alive

MrsMattie · 18/05/2009 21:52

Birth brings up all sorts of weird and wonderful (and not so wonderful) feelings.

You have nothing to feel guilty about, though.

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