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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Am i being unreasonable??

28 replies

3lilgirlsxxx · 29/04/2009 20:25

Is it unreasonable of me to not want my partners family turning up just after iv given birth??
We asked for some time to let my first child get used to having a little sister before they came round last time, and we got an abusive message of his mother.
I really dont want the same to happen with number three, i just want some time alone with my partner and my children as i will be tired and uncomfortable, is that wrong of me??
The relationship i have with his family anyway is strained to say the least!! What can i say or do??
Help

OP posts:

compo · 29/04/2009 20:27

do you mean turning up to the hospital?
can you get your dh onside and just ring them to announce then news after visiting hours are closed?

Original poster

3lilgirlsxxx · 29/04/2009 20:36

We did that last time, as it was my second i was allowed to go home after 5 hours so stayed on the delivery suite and didnt go to a ward, and you dont have visitors on there usually as a rule as there are people having babies in the other rooms.
But they didnt seem to care and we still got a lecture. Its the last thing you want when you have just given birth, its meant to be one of the happiest days of your life and i personally think she is out of order trying to make us feel bad.
The thought of her walking into my home or hospital room and picking my new born up without saying a word to me first is bothering me now and the baby hasnt even been born!
I want to bond with my baby and for her to know im her mum i dont want someone who has made it clear she doesnt like me icking my child up and walking away with her.

OP posts:

FabulousBakerGirl · 29/04/2009 20:37

Are you letting your family turn up?

Original poster

3lilgirlsxxx · 29/04/2009 20:42

My mum will be looking after or bringing my other children to meet the baby, but in the past she has made sure we have time on our own even if i did want her there. The relationship with my mum is totally different to the one with his, he doesnt have a good relationship with his mum, its not just me. My dad and brothers and sisters wont be turning up, they wouldnt expect to.

OP posts:

FabulousBakerGirl · 29/04/2009 20:48

I think it is a bit mean tbh. They will be desperate to see the new baby and it won't help to build bridges if they see your family can come soon and they can't.

HeinzSight · 29/04/2009 20:52

I think it's out of order that they made you feel bad last time. It's not like you're telling them to stay away for weeks. You just want some precious time on your own for the first few hours. Will your DH put his foot down?

Original poster

3lilgirlsxxx · 29/04/2009 21:07

He is too laid back and will do anything for an easy life so no.
I no that his mum will go straight past my other children and pick up the new baby in turn making my existing children jealous. I just want to be able to relax and i cnt with his parents around. She ignores eveything i try to tell her about the way im bringing up my childen and tells me how she knows best, and i dont want to have to listen to that when iv just given birth!

OP posts:

compo · 29/04/2009 21:09

use the opportunity for her cuddling newborn to spend one to one time with older dcs
that was what I missed with ds
mymum used to take him out to cafes whilst a was stuck at home breastfeeding every 2 minutes, I missed him

Original poster

3lilgirlsxxx · 29/04/2009 21:15

Im thinking newborn will mainly sleep so i should be ok with the other two.
I just want a day to be with my children and partner without being told off for it. Is that so wrong??

OP posts:

EasyEggs · 29/04/2009 21:17

Personally if it were me I'd ring her a day late to tell her I'd had the baby

Original poster

3lilgirlsxxx · 29/04/2009 21:21

Id love to but he'd be too scared of the telling off when they find out. I might just hide his phone. I think its going to be the only way round it

OP posts:

MustHaveaVeryShortMemory · 29/04/2009 21:27

No YANBU. Do what is best for you, your newborn and your other children. It isn't your responsibility to please your in laws.

gemstones · 29/04/2009 22:07

Stick to your guns girl! I know exactly how you feel, its your family, your life and they have to respect that. A couple of days isnt going to hurt them.
Sorry if i sound abit harsh but ive been in your situation and it drives me mad

Tummum · 29/04/2009 22:19

Hi 3lilgirls I have a similar-ish relationship with my MIL who drives me to distraction, but (if I'm honest) has her heart in the right place which doesn't sound like it's the case for you.

What I would say is try not to pre-judge what she might or might not do, and do your very best to manage the situation e.g. telling them late on you've had the baby or making it clear that they are welcome but only for an hour as you are tired because it might be worth putting up with her crap for a couple of hours for the sake of an easy life but only you can make that decision.

I also find the "nod and smile" technique, whenever MIL is telling me how she brought up her kids / how I am doing things wrong helps me to ignore her and not wind me up, otherwise I would poke her eyes out.

HTH - this is a really hard situation and unfortunately I don't think there is a magic answer.

katiepotatie · 29/04/2009 22:20

I would get him to call them later in the day, so you can have a little time by yourself.I know my DH would love not to let anyone know right away.
I am hating the fact that we will have to tell anyone we are going to hospital when the time comes.
My mum will be coming to watch dd1, and we will have to call inlaws as they would be upset that my mum new I was in labour, and they didn't!
I loved the fact we could sneak off to have baby #1 in peace.
I hope things go okay, try not to get too stressed

Snoopy99 · 29/04/2009 23:05

The key to this is whatever you decide has to come from your partner. It's his family and they will take it better from him than from you. If you tell him what you need to happen, he needs to work out how he's going to make that happen.

slushy06 · 30/04/2009 09:13

3lilgirls I am in the same boat and my partner dosn't like standing up to his mum, so my dp going to say it was too quick to phone before hand, and my partner was tired and fell asleep, and they discharged me before visiting times. Im gonna go home have an hour or two with my ds and baby then call his family this way no arguments and I don't hurt anyone's feelings but i am gonna limit them to no more than 3 hours

StarlightMcKenzie · 30/04/2009 09:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

onetiredmummy · 30/04/2009 09:27

Can you take yourself out of the decision in her eyes, by saying that its the hospital staff who have recommended you need time to recover & that no visitors are allowed for a day?

booyhoo · 30/04/2009 10:20

im considering asking people to wait until the day after my baby is born before they visit, really to allow us to get settled at home with ds1 and OH and all to get some rest. i know its not exactly the same situation but i think when you have a baby people should respect that you need time as a family to introduce it to siblings, to rest and to get settled at home. i know my mother will have no problem with this at all, nor will any of the extended family.

flooziesusie · 30/04/2009 14:34

3lilgirls keep it simple - it's your family. You have every right to have the first few hours/days with your immediate family. Your mum is having your dc's so it's a totally different thing - plus your mum sounds like she will respect your wishes... which is ALL YOU WANT!

DP will have to step up and take control. Also, try not to take what the mil says or does to heart - she sounds bloody minded if you ask me!!

This is a big deal for your 'immediate' family more so than the extended family. Keep it simple... your way is the only way.

Gillyan · 01/05/2009 14:40

YANBU - I plan to have no visitors for a least a few days this time as I too just want to have some time with my DD and new baby and partner. I want to make sure DD is ok with the baby first before people start coming round/visiting in hospital.

I think it's pretty selfish of people to be pushy. They have forever to see the baby when we're ready.

After I had DD i was in hospital, I had been awake for 2 n half days. I had to go to theatre after the birth to be sticthed. My DD was asleep for the first time and I had been asleep for 1hr when I woken up by my mum with 8!!!! visitors all stood at the end of my bed, she then woke DD up too. I was NOT impressed and no way it's happeneing this time!

SebandElliottsmum · 03/05/2009 14:54

YANBU

when i had ds2 i wanted just my husband and ds1 there for visiting hours so ds1 could meet him with minimal fuss.

I went home after that and people called up the next day.

Ms DS3 is due on the 9th May and i shall be saying the same to people.
I want my dss to meet the baby first.

My mum was in the delivery suite with me and my husband and met him first but she went home quite soon after and didnt interfere.

Meglet · 03/05/2009 15:04

Yanbu. I hated everyone turning up after I had an em cs with ds. DP called his parents to tell them and they drove 200 bloody miles from cornwall to see us, then she criticised my parenting (all 24 hours of it ).

If your partners family are as awful as they sound I wouldn't tell them until a few days later. I didn't really want even my family round for a few days, but my family are lovely and didn't moan about it. Hope you get it sorted.

MerlinsBeard · 03/05/2009 15:21

I can see this from both sides. Yes it would be nice to have that time to yourself but by letting your family come i can see why they feel upset.

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