Had emergency C-S: feel so sad whenever anyone says 'well done'

[Museli]

I wondered if anyone could offer some comforting words? Just over a week ago, I had an induction which led to an emergency caesarean. Though I'm grateful and overjoyed to have my baby, and that he is safe and well, I keep hearing the words 'well done!' or 'you did it!' on cards or from well-meaning friends. Every time I hear those words, I become teary and sad. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I just don't feel worthy of congratulations for something that - in my eyes - other people did for me and I didn't do myself, even though there were good reasons why the hospital staff advised the C-S.

Has anyone else felt like that, and how can I start thinking about this more positively?

Hi Museli. Firstly, congratulations on the birth of your baby. I am mindful that you don't want to hear "well done", so I'm trying not to say what I naturally would - because really, I think you did very well. You created a baby, you fed it, loved it, nurtured, talked to, rocked, etc etc for 9 months, and now you've given birth to it. Yes, it was done via your tummy instead of vaginally, but, as far as I am concerned, it is just anatomy on exit. It's still birth, and you still did it.

At the same time though, I don't mean to disregard your disappointment. I also won't repeat the good reasons for your decision (or those of the hospital staff then), as I know you've gone through this.

I had a cs, but it was planned a couple of months before his birth, so it didn't come as a shock. All I can say is that I love my ds more than anything in the world, as you clearly do too.

Here's a (not very flashy, but advice seems good) link if you want to read something: here

A friend of mine was traumatised because this wasn't something she expected, but had to have in the end. She had a full meeting with her health visitor a couple of months on to go through her whole experience, and I think that helped her come to terms with it. If I were you, I would make an appointment with my gp now and mention exactly what you've said on here. I think it is a very common situation (but not any less upsetting, of course).

Hope someone that has felt the same will come on here soon.

I had an emergency section following a scan.

I never really thought along the same lines as you, though for a while I did feel useless that I coulnd't deliver him naturally.

My baby would have died if I had insisted on a vaginal delivery.

You did do it, you do deserve congratulations. You grew your baby for nine months, you kept him safe for nine months and will do so for the rest of your life.

The exit he came out of won't matter soon.

CONGRATULATIONS and WELL DONE

Would it help you at all if I told you I didn't feel any sense of achievement from the vaginal birth I had? In fact, I felt the same as you do, a little teary and sad and not as if I'd had a lot of control over anything. I think this is quite a normal feeling for first births, or perhaps for any births. A lot of it is the exhaustion of the last weeks of pregnancy, the enormous build-up and then of course the exhaustion of looking after a newborn baby as well.

I didn't feel any worse when my second labour ended in an emergency section. By that time I had spent a lot of time on antenatal wards with various early scares (bleeding in both pregnancies, preeclampsia, IUGR), and sharing a room with people who had lost babies.

I was slowly coming to the conclusion that if I had managed to keep that baby alive inside me until it came to delivery, then "you did it" was probably about right.

It's a shame that you were disappointed in your experience- but you did do it. You kept that baby alive and well and nourished in your body for all those months- if you didn't "do" it- then who did?

Besides, you will be "doing" it for the next 18 years, at least. That surgeon won't be turning out at 4 o'clock in the morning when your baby is screaming with the colic. The anaestathist won't be there when his heart is broken by his first girlfriend. It won't be the sight of green coats that soothes him when he is frightened or frustrated or in pain. It will be you.

I know it can feel awful to miss out on the birth experience. But there is so much to being a parent, so much that can never be delegated to anyone else. Already, I am guessing that you have done more for that baby than anyone else. And frankly, he is never going to care about how he was born; I never heard of anyone who did. But the things you are doing for him are already shaping his way of seeing the world.

Oh, and Congratulations!

Soory you feel like this. I too had an emergency c-section, however I didn't feel quite like you. As the other 2 have already said, you have done amazingly well and you did still give birth to your baby boy.

Congratulations and enjoy him

well done on the bubs

you grew and delivered a healthy baby to this earth

You grew a healthy, wonderful baby in your body for nine months, that is a great achievement. You then underwent a necessary and lifesaving procedure to ensure you and your dc entered this world in the safest way possible.

It is very common to develop PND in situations like this and I stongly urge you to discuss these feelings with a competent and sympathetic gp or midwife.

I think you know these feelings are irrational though no doubt feel very real and strong but please ask for some help so you can enjoy your lovely baby.

Museli- I felt like this after I had DD 3 years ago- similar circumstances. All I can say is it takes time- but it will get better.
I felt so useless, and a complete failure- not helped by the people I met post-natally who had all popped theirs out naturally, with no pain relief, behind a bush, between meetings, whilst writing sanskrit ragas etc....
I know now that DD, and possibly I too would have died if we hadn't gone to c-section- and when I look at my wonderful daughter, there is NOTHING worth doing 'naturally' for that to happen.
When people say 'you did it!' - remember it's not just about the 2 (or 6 or 12 etc) hours when baby is pushed out... it's about the care, nurturing, and carrying you have done for the past 9 months... and you will do for the next 30 years.
She's here now- enjoy her while you can- they grow so quickly, she won't be a little one for long.

Time will make it better, and sharing the experience with other mums if you can bear it- there are many others who have gone through this- and there is lots of support on here, and in rl at mum and baby groups too. Perhaps your m/w or HV knows another new mum in a similar position?

My first daughter was also born emergency c section 18 years ago and as has already been said, it makes absolutly no difference to her, I have had 3 more planned sections since and on a lighter note it has been quite fun with the older ones when they were little and the playground talk would turn to where babies come from and they would giggle at my girls for saying 'mummy's tummy' but they could put their foot down and quite rightly say that is where 'they' came from.

Do discuss how you feel with someone you can talk to, your midwife, health visitor or GP as has been said you should be enjoying this time as you have done a wonderful thing, I've just given birth (yes I consider it giving birth even though it was a c section) for the fourth time and I turned to my midwife when I needed to talk, we all need it sometimes.

Again on a lighter note the likes of Victoria Beckham pay good money to have a C section.

I think I remember feeling that way also. It annoys me still when I meet smug homebirthing people who make you feel like the good luck they had was some kind of super personal achievement on their part.

Child birth experiences are so random and so much is not within your control which I never realised. We are encouraged to read books and go to birthing classes and given what I think is false hope that we can control the births of our children.

I started out having a home birth but was advised to push too soon and my labour then slowed down. I lost faith in the private midwives I had hired and told them I wanted to go to the nearby hospital. When I got there they gave me drugs and then told me I needed an ECS.

Now trying to give birth to my second baby soon I face a lot of negativity from birth centres and midwives who won't support me in trying to have a normal labour this time around.

They basically show everyone else all these great pools, birthing equipment etc. options then look at you and herd you off to a horrible room to hook you up to a machine for 7 hours. After which they still are likely to give you another EMC.

Anyway I feel sad about all of this at the moment as well but what I focus on is the fact that I was lucky enough to have a healthy baby after the awful birth.

Many many people do not have this good fortune and it is so much more important than anything else.

I had to take DD to hospital many times last year and each time we left I felt so grateful that she was healthy.

My advice is to try to leave the birth behind you and enjoy your baby as much as possible.

He's your baby, none of those other people could have produced him without you, no matter what their role in the actual birth.

I had an emergency section with my first baby; walked into hospital, got hooked up to a monitor and suddenly it all went crazy, was rushed to the OR and given a general anaesthetic. Came round later to be told I'd had a baby. It was very weird not having 'been there', and it was quite difficult to come to terms with.

Then no. 2 was on the way, and I really, really wanted to try for a VBAC, as I still felt a bit of a 'failure', my OB was supportive but had outlined the risks. However, a couple of months beforehand, a friend gave birth and her baby died, completely unexpectedly, right at the end of a long labour. It changed my mind (not necessarily logical, I know, but it made the danger very real) and I had my DD by what seemed the safest way for her, an elective section. At least this time I had a spinal and could see her before she'd had her bath!

It was only the birth. The safe arrival of the baby is what you've been aiming for (and looking after your body for, etc) for 9 months - that's your achievement. I know it didn't happen how you planned it - nor did mine - but best laid plans seem to go astray quite often with little ones. I'm thinking of you and hoping you soon feel better about what has happened - and that you find some support in person, too.

Same happened to me and now pregnant with no.2. Me and my DD would have died if c-sections weren't available. I had done all the classes but DD had other ideas.

It is difficult as people often boast of how wonderful it was to give birth, but it makes no difference to the baby at all the manner he/she is born. Women you give birth easily haven't done anything clever and those of us that end up with emcs haven't done anything wrong. How you feed, love and bring up your baby does so enjoy your wonderful baby.

I wish antenatal classes (or maybe it was just mine that didn't) would cover cs's better, and not only in a quick "if it all goes "wrong" " one sentence-y kind of way. I found it especially baffling seeing that the lady knew I was definitely having one by the time I went on the course. And it's not exactly a rare occasion either.

museli, yuou could consider getting in touch with birth crisis or the birth trauma association

what i can tell you, from personal experience, is that it is a normal reaction to an emergency c.s

lots of women do feel detached from the birth itself and that they were outsiders rather than participants

it is an emotional time, and oyu have had surgery, yet expected to take care of yourself and a newborn

can you share a little more about your birth? was your baby in distress?

give yourself permission to feel sad , or teary or weepy . get the feelings out. it does not mean you love your baby any less if you feel sad about the mode of delivery

i had a c.s for failure to progress after a failed induction with my first baby. and a totally straightforward vaginal birth with my second. so it is possible to have a totally different experience second time

you can congratulate yourself on making and carrying a baby to term, labouring and having a c.s and getting through all of that.

I felt like you and was in a similar situation, I had induction for 4 days which failed and then em cs. Over time, I have accepted it and am even going to have an elective cs in 9 days which only a few months ago I would never have believed that I would agree to do so.
I echo others words on here, its the grueling 9 months that makes the baby, not the delivery! You've been making this baby for a long time and you deserve to feel proud of yourself.
I think it is the shock of the em cs and the fact that you never mentally prepared for it, that was the case with me anyway. It also doesn't help with this media image of 'too posh to push'. If anyone said that to me I'd smack em in the mouth. It is certainly not the easy way out is it?

Museli, I haven't had a CS so I don't pretend to know what you are going through but I think the "well dones" and the "you did its" refer to the fact that you have grown a baby - a gorgeous one I am sure - and you have become a mother. At the moment, the shock and trauma of the CS is strong in your mind but as time passes, it will lessen and you will still be left with your gorgeous little boy. So focus on him. When I had my babies, I could not believe how clever I was to make a baby with all the bits in the right place - as though I had any choice in how they were made! But I still felt that sense of having done something amazingly clever and rejoiced in the tiny details: the perfect little finger nails, the nose, the mouth, the ears etc. You still did all that. The CS was just the method used to bring the beauty of your baby to your attention.

Congratultions and enjoy him!

I think after going through the trauma of a major op like a c-section, especially an emergency one, you definitely deserve congratulations. So I would congratulate you definitely on getting through that - doesn't matter that you didn't actively push the baby out - you managed to get through a c-section and look after your newborn baby.

Museli-congratulations on your baby.you underestimate your role.you carried the baby,nourished it in utero,did your very best.the mode of arrival was unplanned and scary not what you envisaged BUT your baby is here and you are a mum.but you know what dont beat yourself up about this.there is a subtle pressure to have the perfect birth,analgesia free upside down chanting an incantation.

the role of mum is all the stuff you do,the cuddles,the watching baby asleep,catching your breath and thinking wow. the transition from me to we

i had a crash section,due to deteriorating foetal HR.yes,it was scary.but lifesaving.

You know, people said "congratulations" and "well done" to my DH, too. And I'm sure they say it to adoptive parents. It's just a way of saying "oh how wonderful".

I had a planned cs for dd, and felt very much as though the birth was something that was done to me, and as though I hadn't done my job. But however it happened, my dd is never going to remember the birth. She is going to have memories of a lot of what I do for her since though, and that's what counts.

Never mind the births, I want people to say "well done" and "congratulations" for surviving the last 7 years. I'd particularly like a medal for the last week, snowed in with them all off school. .

The birth is just the start. You are about to do so many things that are worthy of congratulations, and you won't get them, most of the time. So keep the cards.

Museli, i felt exactly like you do after the birth of ds1, he was induced and then had emergency c section, and the whole experience was very stressful and terrifying to me at the time. I think I felt very dissappointed as I had planned a home birth, had the pool out ready and all that but didnt even go into propper labour or get propper contractions before he became distressed, then spent ages with an epidural being induced. Was awful. I felt so foolish somehow afterwards, and still look back and think "god, that was a nightmare". BUT i dont feel a faliure any more, this feeling does pass. You spend nine months imagining your ideal birth and when it is so opposite to what you thought it would be it is going to be a shock and a let down.
I had ds2 by sort of natural delivery (with forceps) with huge contractions, swearing and lots of stitches.
Looking back on both, they were equally hard births, in different ways and i think the recovery was hard work after both of them too. Having a baby is not a walk in the park, its a slog, however they come out.
You HAVE done well to get him here, you grew him, and you are going to be caring for him for years to come, so you do seriously deserve a well done. Accept this is how you feel now, i think it is very normal, but know that you wont always feel this way, you just wont. Now go and cuddle that baby!!

Museli, I had ds3 at 32 weeks by emergency CS. I remember sobbing to dh that I now had a tiny little baby in an incubator hooked up to wires and tubes because I had failed to carry him to term. Dh was horrified that I felt that way and just said "But he's doing so well, I'm really proud of him! He's great!"
And although I still felt a bit crap about the whole thing, it did teach me to look at the baby himself, not the mode or time of exit! I can look as ds3 now at age 4 and not even think about the way he was born, I just see my fabulous boy!

You are about to do so many things that are worthy of congratulations, and you won't get them, most of the time.

• Good point fruitful!

Hi,

I felt exactly like you do now. My first baby was born by c-section due to failed induction, i had been in hospital for 3 days, had contractions all through every night after having the drugs to induce, but i didn't dialate.
I felt totally cheated, i have always found pregnancy and childbirth fascinating and sooooo wanted natural delivery, so my hopes were already set too high.
It took a long time to come to terms with the fact that his safe arrival was the one and only thing that mattered. I fetl cheated, i didn't get my baby delivered onto my chest, like i'd always dreamt, i had a painful scar which led to difficulty with feeding and all i wanted was to enjoy those first few moments with my baby like a "normal" person.

I soon came to realise that having a c-section, major surgery, was a hell of a lot harder physically (in comparison to a straightforward vaginal delivery)and coping with that and a new baby was an achievement in itself and i should be proud of myself.

You should too.

Your feelings are totally normal and once the days pass and you see what a joy it is to be a mommy, you'll see that your baby being alive and well makes up for anything you have been through.

Aw, museli, you did do it - you brought your babe safely into the world - the biggest and best job out there. Emergency sections are so traumatic, I know. But in time it will fade and you'll be able to say - 'it was bloody hard and not what I would have planned but I did it'. xxx

You made the best decision you possibly could to ensure your babies safety by agreeing to the C/Section. You are the best mother he could ever have. Please don't feel 'cheated' out of a normal delivery - they aren't all they're cracked up to be sometimes, believe me! You did the best you possibly could, you are both safe and your baby is healthy.
Well Done x