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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Partner/husband at birth - do you regret it? would you recommend it?

37 replies

questions2008 · 22/12/2008 17:58

i've just been to visit my friend who's just had her 2nd baby and both times her husband was abroad so missed the birth (her mum was with her). The thing is, she's advised me to keep my husband out of the labour room as she thinks watching the whole gory thing will turn him off in the future, iykwim.

Now I really wanted my DH to be there to help me through it and also to be there at the birth of his child. Is this not a good idea? Will he really be scarred for life? Does anyone regret having their partner or husband with them at the birth or has this caused any 'issues' post-birth?

OP posts:

Tortington · 22/12/2008 18:01

he was there when it started he will be there to see the shit that i have to go through, to worry with me, to see the pain and the anguish and the pain.

if watching me give birth to his children puts him off then fuck him - not, hes not worth it

MrsMattie · 22/12/2008 18:01

I wouldn't have been without my husband, and he wouldn't have missed it for the world, either.

rubyslippersiappearinginpanto · 22/12/2008 18:03

it is personal choice

my DH ummed and aahed because he is v squeamish

as it happened, he was AMAZING and cut the cord and everything

he is not, as far as i know, put off

your DH can stay at the "head" end (yours not the baby's) anyway

Lulumamaloveslatkes · 22/12/2008 18:03

i think if your DH wants to be there, then making him stay away will be cruel

some childcare experts.. incl. Michel Odent, think fathers should stay away from the delivery room

however, some men do find seeing their DW/DP in pain and distressed most upsetting and can;t support them as well as they hoped

if a man finds seeing his wife giving birth makes him unable to find her sexually attractive again,then he needs to sort his own issues out

i had my husband at both my births , one c.s and one vaginal birth, and he was fine with both

he was overawed with my amazingness during the laborus and birhts, and if anything it made us closer

tis very personal, and you should talk about it before you are due

Siriusmewisathreadkillertoo · 22/12/2008 18:04

I didn't really want DP there for the birth of Ds2. We'd discussed it sensibly before hand. When I went into labour and reached the hospital I was hanging off him "No!!! Stay heeeeerrrrreeeee! What if i drown in the poooooooooooolllllllll!" Poor man saw the whole thing. Still mocks me now.

Tortington · 22/12/2008 18:05

my dh didn't want to be there- but i didn't either - its not a choice imo - not at all.

SecretSlattern · 22/12/2008 18:05

I wouldn't have been without DH throughout either of the labours. In particular, throughout the second he was fantastic, even better than my mum, who fell apart at the mention of a possibility of CS. He tried to talk me out of it because he knew I didn't want that, but after 26 hours labour I would've done anything. I didn't go through with it in the end as had forceps delivery but that was thanks to DH.

Agree though that it is personal choice and you have to do what you feel best.

ChrismumMiaow · 22/12/2008 18:06

My husband would have missed so much if he hadn't been there - I was too drugged up to be bothered about my poor precious baby, so his Daddy cuddled him to start with. My SIL was in with me too, and while I loved having her there, next time she'll be looking after DS - and if its a choice between her and DH, DH deserves to be there to be the first person to see his child (ok I have to get DH to agree to said next child first)

And it hasn't put DH off at all. He was most patient to wait 6 weeks!

ByThePowerOfBaileys · 22/12/2008 18:06

I personally feel that DH being there helps him appreciate what I experienced. - it is very hard to describe labour - and the last thing I would be able to cope with was a DH who thought it was like "shelling peas"

rolandbrowning · 22/12/2008 18:08

He doesn't have to be at the business end, but I think it was important that my dp was there. He did use the phrase 'bloodbath' though.

MKG · 22/12/2008 18:10

I think it's a good experience for them.

Dh was so happy and nervous when the midwife asked if he wanted to "catch" ds1 and then cut the cord. He says it was the best experience of his life.

DECKmuppetWITHBOUGHSOFHOLLY · 22/12/2008 18:24

for me it wasn't about making him see how much it hurt or making him go through it with me it was more of I wanted someone there who knew what I wanted who would speak for me should the need arise. It did and he had to sign for the epidural as I was totally out of it. I also wanted our baby to be held by one of it's parents first even if I were unable to (as it turned out with ds 1 I passed out with tiredness after the first b/f and he took him and had a very long cuddle which he loved) Also if something were to have gone wrong I wanted him to be with our son as he would be on his own.

DandyLioness · 22/12/2008 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

chandellina · 22/12/2008 18:33

my labour had a lot of drama and I would have hated for DH to not be there for support. However I did ask him to leave the room when I was trying to get into a comfortable position to push (very undignified)- not that he would at that point! I ended up in theatre with forceps and an episiotomy - and he stupidly took a peak afterwards, though I had begged him for months not to look down below.

Dragonfly74 · 22/12/2008 18:35

DH was present at DS's birth but wasn't involved much because everything happened a bit quick.

Second labour DH actually delivered our DD because she was born very quickly (before the paramedics arrived). Its not turned him off.....But I wish it had!! LOL.

blametheparents · 22/12/2008 18:35

questions2008 - I may be speakingout out of turn, and I could be wrong, but have a think about why your friend may have advised you of this. She did not have her DH there as he was working away, it may be that she would have loved him to be there, but that that is a very ifficult thing for her to admit. All of my friends had their DH at the birth, and I am sure that is true of most people nowadays, but she feels a bit jealous about that?
You must think what is right for you, and not be swayed by a friend who could potentially not be telling the whole truth.
FWIW my DH was present at the birth of our children, and I needed him every step of the way. And no, I guess like most men, he has not been put off sex!

hotCheeseBurns · 22/12/2008 18:35

I'm very glad I had my mum with me, a woman who'd given birth four times and was a health professional herself, instead of a useless man with no experience of such things!

But then I didn't have a man around at the time.

NAB3hundredChristmaslights · 22/12/2008 18:37

Sorry, but crap.

My hubby was with me for every birth, preferred to stay at the top end, and I couldn't have done it without him being there.

DandyLioness · 22/12/2008 18:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

christmosschops30 · 22/12/2008 18:46

Im so glad dh was there, he's not the most emotional man but was so lovely to see him practically fall apart when ds was born and to see him so overwhelmed with love.
It has never affected our sex life in him thinking anything gross about the birth, I think only shallow wasters pander to this myth dont they? We're now ttc no.3 and im having dh there and my best friend (which dh is not happy about, he wants to do it all himself again bless ) but I did remind him that the student midwife did nearly all the back rubbing the last time

I think its a beautiful moment for you both to share, dont let your friend put you off

spottedandstriped · 22/12/2008 19:04

My husband wouldn't have missed it for the world - but have to say I spent a lot of time when in "serious" labour worrying about how shocked he looked. It clearly took him aback how much pain I was in and he clearly wasn't expecting the vomiting etc.....

SalLikesEggnogUnderMistletoe · 22/12/2008 19:05

I had dh with me during (planned) cs and wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Neither would he.

He held my hand while epidural and spinal was administered, he was there to welcome ds when he was born, he could be with me for our first moment as family, he was able to go and stand with the nurses while they helped him with his breathing (baby, not dh ) while I was confined to the bed.

I would highly recommend it.

My dad didn't go in with my mom when my sister (their first) was born. This was before it was common. He made her promise never to leave him outside again, he said it was the worst feeling in the world hearing her in pain but not being able to help her, even if it only meant holding her hand.

piscesmoon · 22/12/2008 19:05

No way would I have let him miss it! He didn't want to anyway.

Lizzzombie · 22/12/2008 19:19

I can't imagine DP not being there.
The thought of having my Mother there instead fills me with fear. She'd be telling me not to make a fuss, to stop swearing and to get one with, and to stop being bossy. Oh, gosh it would have been awful having her there instead of him!
He was at my beck and call the whole time, and even though at one point the midwife had him actively helping in contort me into a certain undignified position, I think I am correct in assuming it has not harmed his opinion of me down there. I think he managed to forget the image once DS was placed in his arms etc etc.
HTH. Best of luck x

CharleeInPantoPaperChains · 22/12/2008 19:24

I couldn't have done it without dp there, he held my hand and just was there really he didn't do alot but his presence was all i wanted.

When i was in labour with ds2 he wasn't there for the begining, it was unexpected and he had to find someone to look after ds1 and i remember thinking, 'all i want is dp to be here.'

My dp still has the world highest sex drive and couldn't wait to go back in the water so to speak, so no worried there.

He loves it that he saw our two ds's first seconds in the world and was there to dress them and hold them for the first time.

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