mentally holding the baby in?

[Tinkerisdead]

Those on my nov thread know that I'm five days overdue and not being very patient. However, having read loads of birth books like gaskin and the like, im not sure whether im mentally keeping this baby in.

I have mental in laws, i mean really clingy and possessive. Dh does loads to put them in their place but i'm petrified that my baby, once born, becomes part of them.

The have another grandchild, a 17 month old girl and my MIL looks after her four nights per week, she is at nursery rest of time and with parents three evenings and sunday. My in laws find this normal part of having a grandchild. whilst ive explained im going to be a SAHM and breastfeeding(hopefully) and things will be different.

they already drop in unannounced, despite being asked repeadedly not to, they make comments about when they have my baby overnight which ive said wont be for a long time. They want to know when im in labour and ive said no, they want to attend my home birth..again no. and i just know that despite being told not to, they would rush straight over to see the baby.

they do this out of love and are basically the primary carers for the other grandchild which is none of my business, but it has set an unrealisitic precendence for my now overdue baby.

Im convinced that part of it failing to show up is the fear that releasing my baby makes it part of the world and less mine. I know that sounds selfish and irrational. What were your experiences of in laws at a time when you want to be selfish with the person you have nurtured for nine months. how can i let these feelings go?

yes he rubbed my feet

you need to get a lock on the inside of the front door, keep the chain on just do whatever it takes for you to know that you have control.

i can't for the life of me remember the author but during labour, a "stranger" (in this situation its someone you haven't invited to be present) will definitely slow down labour. it apparently goes back to our cavewoman days. a woman will labour more successfully in an environment she has control over. If a stranger enters, labour slows in preparation for the mother to move away from the danger. sorry, bit rambly but i hope you manage to sift through and find my point!

Get an answering machine, a lock for your front door and disconnect the doorbell. Also get net curtains as a temporary measure if you are concerned about them peering through the windows.

Otherwise you'll never relax because no matter what you say to them, you can't rely on your inlaws to respect boundaries.

Am I strange? I had my MIL as my second birth partner, and she was there right till the end. (although she said that she kept expecting me to ask her to leave) but then I have a very good relationship with my MIL, and she is not intrusive at all - once we knew DS was fine, she just slipped out the room without us noticing, so we could have new family time.
I honestly feel for you though - your IL's sound unbearable. and frankly, the idea of leaving a new baby overnight [grrr] sounds like a real control issue - that they think about the baby more as theirs than yours. Very selfish bahaviour - it's good your DH stands up for you though (even if they don't listen)

You poor thing. I am like this with my inlaws and they live in America!

I havent read all of this but will tell you my thoughts -

You have to set them straight. If they turn up unannounced just say 'Im sorry, we werent expecting you and now isnt a good time' They will soon get the message.

My mum kept going on about having dd to stay the night and after 3 months of me saying no she has finally got the hint.

I find their relationship with their grandchild rather odd - Do you mind me asking why they have the lo 4 nights a week?

Oh, just read the rest - Defo get a bolt, net curtains and just ignore people for as long as you feel necessary x

Good luck, Im looking forward to the live birth thread x

DrsWife - this is your baby, not theirs; you will bring up your child the way you want to, dont worry about it. However, as part of your DH's life, his parents will always be part of your life - and your child's life. Its just important that you make it clear to them that this is your child and how you want your child brought up (in a nice way of course) - you can do this when the baby is here...

I was pretty insistent after having DS that I didnt want grandparents anywhere near for several weeks - we did relent when DS was 2 weeks old as we could see it was killing both sets of grandparents having to keep their distance (and I could tell it was hurting my DH who is very close to his parents); it was fine and with the benefit of hindsight it was a good thing we did, and loosened up over the next couple of months to let grandparents visit some more and dote on their grandchild as my DH's dad died quite suddenly when DS was about 2 and a half months old. I was so grateful that DS had met his granddad and we had photo mementos of that - it really helped all of us with the grieving that we didnt have that regret.

Am sort of digressing but what I'm trying to say is, you sound like a woman with clear ideas on how you want to bring up your child - having the inlaws you do, will not change that. Your child will have a wonderful life surrounded by people that love him/her. Your inlaws will be part of yor child's life - but you can set the parameters as to how much of their life they will be. Hope that helps you let go of some of your fears and kick off labour asap

Do they have a key to your house? Why???

I'm afraid I really doubt a laminated sign stating "babymoon in progress" is going to have any effect.

My PIL are not clingy in this manner but were very anti BFing. Thought it really odd of me and used to make a big fuss about whether I needed to "go and feed the baby" meaning in another room. I would then point out that I had been feeding baby for last ten minutes bang in front of them and they hadn't noticed.

I am that strange Southerner their DS married, they have got used to me now...

thanks for so many supportive replies. firstly no they no longer have a key, i took it away (i too am the weird southerner that their DS married)I have blinds at windows and we log the doors. They just round and pretty much lean on the doorbell. honestly i could easily turn this into an in laws thread but it would turn to 20 pages as you would all be incredulous. The thing is nothing they do is with malice, they are really loving caring people but have no concept of boundaries.

laura regarding their care for the little one, i need to tread carefully around that issue as i will sound judgey and i dont have DC's yet. SIL left baby at 5 days old overnight as they felt it was important to retain couple time from the outset. from then MIL has looked after the baby a minimum of two nights a week but now its up to 4. They both have really good jobs and so work 7.30-8.30, baby goes to nursery or MIL 4 times a week so they can maintain lifestyle. I have no issue with this, its not my child but its also not my way. However, as this is the only grandchild, they cannot understand why i want to be a SAHM (forfeit my wage), why breastfeed, why not leave it each week as we would have more time as a couple.

Can't your doorbell just "break"

last thing you want with a newborn is PIL leaning on the doorbell

Move house and don't tell them. It may be the only way.

if it wasnt for the credit crunch i would actually move!!
my midwife says if they knock on the door during labour she will be very very rude to them... part of me would love to see that. or i could scream obscenties at them and blame the gas and air...how cathartic would that be!
mimla its in Ina May gaskin about being interupted in labour

Doctor's Wife i had to reply. Though I don't have these exact issues with in-laws (they live further away) - I did have these exact feelings of wanting to keep my baby in and NOT let family have access to him (though not as pushy, mine and DP's families have a lot of dysfunction and weirdness). It was so extreme that I remember thinking, in all seriousness, "If only there was a way to move to another planet".

First off, it is partly hormones. Not that your ILs are being reasonable - they're not - but your reaction to it is so much stronger when you are pg and a new mum, and it will become easier to manage and less intense as time goes on. You will get stronger emotionally and it won't seem such a big deal.

Secondly, you do not have to do anything you don't want to do - this is your baby, and you must do it your way. Whatever they think about breastfeeding, SAHMs or anything else - it's not their business. If you don't want to see them at whatever point, say so. They have had their turn having babies and it is your right to have the privacy you need when you have yours.

You can say things like "I'm sorry but I am not yet ready for anyone else to hold the baby." "As I'm bf I need to be with the baby every night, so he/she will not be staying with you." Don't let anyone make you feel you are not in charge here, because you are. Wishing you lots of good luck.

I have been thinking about this over night - So much so I couldnt sleep

I think you need to talk to them. If your dh does they probably wont take it seriously. I do this now with MIL. She is over for Christmas so I have told her how it is going to be (is a nice way) Why not try to sit down with them and explain that the way you care for your lo is going to be very different to their other grandchild?

I worried about this when my dd was born. My cousin, who is more like my sister, let her ds1 stay away when he was young and we were always having him for days etc. I set the rules that I wasnt going to be like that and people have listened.

They will get used to it and if they turn up dont let them in. After a few times of being turned away they will get the message and phone first.

I hate that couple time thing (my brother and his partner are similar, but they don't work, they just have five kids that have to be farmed out at weekends) you're not a couple when a baby comes, you're a family! We still get couple time but it comes as part of a family package.

I second the doorbell breaking and I love your MW! I was very aggressive in labour, I think one of the young MWs nearly cried, she sounded like she was going to! It gives you a good excuse to be rude and say what you want and of course you can't remember any of it next day

There's another book that explains about predators during birth, The Water Birth Book. It does it from the point of view of a wild animal (my NHS antenatal teacher did something similar about a deer in a wood and a lion. I think the lion may have been lost). I think we get so hung up on the 21st century and all our mod cons we forget that we are animals built to give birth in dangerous situations and our bodies will respond in such a way.

honestly thank you all for such good advice.
laura please dont lose sleep over these nutters, i havent slept properly over them since my wedding i tell you.

I have sat down and talked things through with MIl in particular. All of our parents are seperated and that actually worked in my favour during discussions as it helped me to reiterate that if one party calls without prior agreement then the other three groups could be doing it.

My MIL cried and asked to be at the birth, when told no, she waited til she was tipsy and asked me again crying. No! ive explained all my reasoning about homebirth, my desire for privacy and just the three of us etc. Whilst they seem to accept what i say during discussion, they make other comments that make me realise they just dont agree or understand. MIL had an ambulance out and proceeded to tell me how she had told the paramedic how DIl was having a homebirth and how petrified she was. he pissed on her parade though when he told her he had delivered 29 babies and what a magical experience it was.

She's desperate to be involved, she tells me all the time how she wants the same relationship with my child as with the other grandaugher but then says how "i know it cant be the same, as your feeding it" she then asked cant i feed it? i said not unless you can start lactating!

you are all right, my fears are real but they will only be realised if i dont state my case from the outset.

She had an ambulance out? You mean she called for one?

She specifically called an ambulance in order to complain to the paramedic that you were planning a home birth? That is crazed, and dangerous. Please confirm we have misunderstood this.

Oh well done Doctor's Wife!

I don't think it would be a bad idea to remind your MIL that it is not actually about what she wants. Same goes for the rest of them. The baby is in the middle of this - priority should actually be what the baby wants, which will be you, its mum. Next in priority come you and your DH and what you want.

Also, she should realise that it is far from normal for a child to be largely given up to its grandparents as their other grandchild has been. You could take the tack of reminding them that that's very unusual and there's absolutely no way you'd expect them to have the same relationship with this baby - that would be bizarre as you are planning to SAH and bf.

Look at us - DS is 3 and he's never stayed away from one or other of me and DP overnight, ever. He sees his grandparents a few times a year. And there are loads of families like us.

oh no, i re-read that and can see how that sounds. im trying not to go into loads of detail and make this one of the spoon fed/drip drip of information threads because believe me there is so much more back ground but it would make you wince.

she called an ambulance for herself as she believed she was having a heart attack having read the symptoms on nhs direct.(trapped nerve in neck) when ambulance came, she tried to get paramdic to back her concerns on home birth. She is concerned the baby will drown in the birth pool for one.

i think she understands her relationship with grandaughter is unique because she has fundamentally become the parent but in turn she has no concept of how it should/could be.
Ive read other posts on Mn recently on how often do people see their in laws, mine would see visiting 4 evenings a week as normal. and this is part of my dread.

I thought that had to be the case, but she sounds nutty enough!

LOL at drowning in the birth pool! Doesn't she know what baby has been in for the last 9 months?

tink she says she couldnt breastfeed as she's a vegetarian?! answer me that one then?

LOL so are cows!

Drswife - you sound quite saintly in the face of your inlaws. Upshot of all the advice on here seems to be that you'll be fine - as will your baby - and you will have the birth experience, and the parenting experience, you want as you have your DH supporting you in this - your inlaws will in time come to accept this. Time to start meditating and let go of your worries so you can let that little one out.

oh i wish id thought of that retort...