mentally holding the baby in?

[Tinkerisdead]

Those on my nov thread know that I'm five days overdue and not being very patient. However, having read loads of birth books like gaskin and the like, im not sure whether im mentally keeping this baby in.

I have mental in laws, i mean really clingy and possessive. Dh does loads to put them in their place but i'm petrified that my baby, once born, becomes part of them.

The have another grandchild, a 17 month old girl and my MIL looks after her four nights per week, she is at nursery rest of time and with parents three evenings and sunday. My in laws find this normal part of having a grandchild. whilst ive explained im going to be a SAHM and breastfeeding(hopefully) and things will be different.

they already drop in unannounced, despite being asked repeadedly not to, they make comments about when they have my baby overnight which ive said wont be for a long time. They want to know when im in labour and ive said no, they want to attend my home birth..again no. and i just know that despite being told not to, they would rush straight over to see the baby.

they do this out of love and are basically the primary carers for the other grandchild which is none of my business, but it has set an unrealisitic precendence for my now overdue baby.

Im convinced that part of it failing to show up is the fear that releasing my baby makes it part of the world and less mine. I know that sounds selfish and irrational. What were your experiences of in laws at a time when you want to be selfish with the person you have nurtured for nine months. how can i let these feelings go?

I can only sympathise. You won't want to hear about my ILs turning up 4 days post section and staying for 9 hours I suppose?

Firm, very firm ground rules from day 1. DH must police. It is his job to turn people away/tell people how long is too long. You make the decisions. DH enforces them. It will be hard but you start as you mean to go on. Can you have a chat with dh now so you are reassured that you can work together from the beginning?

We banned ANY visitors for first 4 days at home. Families weren't happy but did understand and observe the request. As showofhands says set firm ground rules.

yes have spoken to Dh and bless him he has tried so hard already to instil this from the start. i cant fault him. this week i was sat naked on birth ball as had mild pains and FIl turned up unannounced. Dh made it clear to him its not acceptable as we're having a home birth and dont want an audience. FIl laughed it off saying they have all had babies and been at the "mucky2 end. Dh got angry and told them to call but they said we dont always answer. they then got in a mood and walked out but i know they will be back again next week unannounced seeing no wrong in it.

Im just dreading it, i dread them coming to see my baby, knowing if its a girl they'll want a boy, that i'll be judged as clingy etc for feeding it etc. im just dreading the whole thing. Dh tries so hard but they are truly oblivious to boundaries.

As others have said - stand your ground. With ds1 we let family visit the day after - couldn't wait to show him off. ds2 the same except Sil's sister arrived at the hospital too uninvited. so with ds3 we made very clear ground rules - 24 hours just me, dp and baby. After 24 hours gp's then other family and friends came during the week on our terms. Honestly do what you want to do - it is your baby and you really don't know how you'll feel till you've had your baby.

ha ha. Ive taken steps to avoid the intrusion part, we have laminated signs from the midwife which state do not enter and babymoon in progress no entry without prior appointment.

i think im more concerned at how i will feel when my baby becomes a part of the world and very much a part of their family. Its such a weird and selfish feeling

Dh and I are very private and to be fair we rarely see in laws but i know (from the other grandchild) that they will want to see it loads, my mum lives far away and they live round the corner. they already make comments about popping in or me taking pram round etc and i just feel claustophobic already.

i think ive got real concerns about my ability to share a baby that i view as mine and DH's at present. I know im selfish, i know they will love the baby as its part of them but i just cant see it as part of them yet and it feels suffocating already.

My mother was a bit like that but tbh I decided I wanted to do things my way and her advice although well intended was very much out of date. I just got on with it. She even rang the hospital while I was in labour 5 times to see if I had had ds1 - how embarrassing. It took a while but she soon realised that I was capable of being a mother and started to butt out.

I really empathise with feeling as if your baby will be part of a family that isn't yours and bonded to people you often can't understand (and may not always like).

My situation isn't the same as yours, in that my in-laws don't have any other grandchildren yet, but I just wanted to say, having had two babies now and in-laws I don't always like, that your instincts will kick in for the good of your child. You will find yourself able to say no, to not hand the baby over if you don't want to, to shut yourselves away for your babymoon and sod everyone else.

Ime the mother of the DH and your mother will have different roles; I think the mother's mother takes precedence somehow. You, as the mother, are the focus, and your mother will feel closer to you than DH's mother. Hope this makes sense.

You sound so worried and I just wanted to reassure you that it will be wonderful, you will cope, things will slip into place. My DC have actually (unbelievably) improved my relationship with my in-laws. Things are more of a level playing field now. Oh, and you are utterly, totaly entitled to be selfish about your baby. He or she will be selfish about you. Good luck.

thank you lastyears you've nailed how i feel. i know i was rambling but its because i was so jumbled in my head. i think thats the part i havent accounted for, the strong feelings and bond i will have for my baby that should override anything im not comfortable with. thats very reassuring thank you

I think I did this too - held DS in for 13 frickin' days!!

We moved to Australia when I was 13wks preg and MIL made immediate plans to visit for the birth. Rather thn ask if if would be ok to fly in 3 days after DS was due she just went ahead and booked her flights. She ignored DH when he suggested waiting a few weeks as those dates suited her best.

We had and idea he may be overdue as DD was 9 days over. Anyway her stay here was for 10 days and I held out. I was induced on the morning she was due to fly back to the UK and DS was born 6 hrs before her flight left.

MIL managed about 1hr of cuddles in the hospital before DH had to leave us and drive her to the airport.

I found it really frustrating that she put her needs before ours but I feel that having a several thousand mile buffer zone between us I can cope. Next time I have a baby she will not be told the real due date!!

Be the mother you want to be don't let them force you into doing what they want - it is your baby and your rules.

Good luck! I hope your little one arrives soon.

I can understand lots of what you are saying.
My ILs had 2 gc before my first ds arrived and they see sooo much of them (live really close to them but not us), they were both bf so could stay with gps right from the start - not sure how old they were the first time to be fair, but a i bf until 1 they can't stay there overnight without me until then.
and boy does my MIL let me know how unhappy she is with that!
(are you still feeding? oh you naughty girl! you should stop feeding if you're tired. you could leave him here and go and have a holiday/rest.etc.etc.etc.)

I am quite 'possessive' of my children i guess compared to my SIL but actually i think bf could help you in this case.

Every time they are around and baby is hungry, you could turn the whole 'feeding where you like' debate on its head and go upstairs to feed/doze/cuddle and get some private time with baby. they'll give you grief but they prob will anyway so just get what you want
encourage dh whenever he is firm, lots of praise

and def DO NOT let them know you are in labour at thought of audience!

They do sound overbearing.

I can relate to what LastYearsModel said - having children did actually improve my relationship with my ILs.

I had a similar experience with a relative who flew to see us when DC1 was due. She had wanted to be in the delivery room with me but I did at least manage to tell her that I didn't want anybody except partner there. However I was too timid to be straight with her from the start that I really didn't want anyone else there at all for those first precious hours (for some people that may be days..). Anyway I went a week overdue, she extended her flights - at 10 days overdue and the day she'd left I went into labour. Don't think it can be coincidence!! I agree with the other people that have posted, I think you'll agonize less once the baby is born and your tigress emerges in full fettle. Good luck with everything

Good luck and try to focus on you, DH and baby. It would drive me mad. My MIL was buying up loads of baby kit from me being 16 weeks and I found it very intrusive, even though I was bloody grateful for it later. In laws tend to see DIL as the vehicle for their precious GC, and don't give as much of a stuff about you and your wellbeing, ime.

One thing I would say though is that once all this is over and your DC is a bit older, you will be grateful for the babysitting and other help (very grateful!), so try to remain civil, but I know how maddening it is and when my DS was tiny I didn't really want anyone handling him, I would be standing beside MIL/FIL with clenched fists waiting for him to be handed back..

Hope your DH can hold them off for you, sounds as if he is on board. best of luck!

ohh this is all so encouraging thank you, yes i have visions of taking myself off to feed baby. ive already been told i have to take it to an xmas party which i find ludicrous to expect a new mother to commit to anything at all. yes i will be grateful for any babysitting and support but not when my baby is five days old like my SIL did. Ive been told breastfeeders are clingy possesive mothers and to leave the baby with them and get some sleep and i think im just on my guard ready to defend myself from the getgo! sighhhhh.

i'll see how it goes, this baby cant stay in forever!

you poor thing, i do sympathise. I thought I would want lots of visitors but after my birth I really wanted to be alone with my boyfriend and baby for a few days. FIL was staying and pottering around the house stressing over whether we should have mashed or roast potatoes for dinner...it took a will of steel not to tell him where to put his potatoes. He was only trying to be nice but I felt very vulnerable after giving birth and wanted to be alone.

You should breastfeed if you want to - and it gives you the perfect excuse to take yourself off for HOURS! say, the baby is a tricky feeder, but actually you and baby are upstairs watching telly! I did that all the time went I went to stay with in laws!!

Hello again DoctorsWife,
Glad my rambling made sense to you. Forgot to say my 2 were late too - 5 days and 13 days - and I did wonder at the time if I was subconsciously holding them in. I don't suppose you can ever know for sure.
Once you go past 40 weeks things are pretty strange anyway. The only thing you can do now is be as calm as possible, know that your body is designed for this job (both giving birth and breastfeeding) and do exactly what you feel like doing.
Oh, and any chance of starting a thread when your contractions start? I do love a good live labour thread!

Thedoctorswife - hope you are ok.
I can totally sympathise. My in=laws are not quite as bad as yours, but can be selfish and insensitive.
My MIL is very pro-breastfeeding and whilst I successfully fed both my ds's. she used to stand over me whilst I was feeding giving me advice about how to hold the baby get them to latch on etc etc...It was awful. I even used to take myself off to the bedroom to feed and she would follow me ARRRHH! God knows how she'd been if I'd formula fed!!!
This time round I have been much more vocal with DH about what I want, so when DC3 arrives anyday, it wil be about i want for myself and my baby...not about anyone else.
So get your DH to fight your corner for you, if you don't feel up to it yourself (which you probably won't after giving birth).
If you do BF at least you have the perfect excuse to have the baby handed back to you once they start crying..you can say 'he's hungry' even if he only fed 10 minutes ago

If it's any consolation my DS's were 10 and 7 days overdue and I did everything to make them come earlier..some babies are just late.
I know you feel mixed up, but the baby will come when it's ready

Stress can hold back a labour, if there is too much adrenalin in your system your body will decide it's not safe enough.

Sounds like you need to sort your in-laws out!

tink i deffo need to sort them out but believe me, nothing works. my SIL said i'd die in childbirth back in june, we're still waiting for an apology and havent seen her since but MIL came round to say we had to make it up with her before our baby comes...thats just tip of the iceberg!

OMG - what an earth possessed her to say something like that???? Surely it's up to her to do the making up...although I would struggle to forgive anybody that said that to me.
Sounds like they have some serious issues!
poor you

Did you have a thread on that? I seem to remember that story.

Try locking the doors and not answering them

because homebirth is for selfish bitches who dont care about the risks to their babies and so i'll die, my baby will die and its all Dh's fault for allowing it!

we still havent had all this resolved, so many more things have been said etc and all i think is that these people are coming to coo over my baby within days..and yes DH has stood up to them. we havent spoken to SIl since june but she still texts saying how excited about our baby she is..

they are truly mental..and then FIL gave me a foot rub last week and i felt violated. i could write a book on them!

yes i had a thread tink but as she never came back to me after i never had an update, here we are 5 months on and nothing has changed!

ive got bad period pains today...we could be looking at an outcome to these family issues soon if the Minimedic makes an appearance!

Oh my blood runs cold at the thought of them 'dropping in'... mine are similar but don't live nearby. I agree, DH must be clear and police the rules strictly. I was such a hormonal wreck for days after having dd that I could barely speak (not to say you will be). My advice (just what you wanted, more advice), don't justify yourself to them, accept that they go home saying "look how clingy that baby is, why doesn't she just give him a bottle, shes nothing like our other gc" etc etc. Good Luck, sounds like something may be starting for you! ps A foot rub from your FIL???